Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

You haven't got a clue. Your here piling criticism on a parent who child has been seriously ill and is still recovering.would you be have the same advise of forcing a child in to school who had a cancerous tumour removed was still having chemo and the related side effects and who could easily deteriorate again?
Or would you have some compassion for a family who have been through and still going through an extreme trauma experience?

Education is important but learning happens in so many places in many many different ways. Not just schools and fundamentally forcing a child in trauma into school is of no benefit if the child has a breakdown, or is in such an anxiety state they won't learn anyway.

Until you have been in this situation, you can never understand.

Having been in a similar situation living abroad I do sympathise. Are you or your husband relocated through a company? If so is it worth talking to them about your daughter's difficulties and negotiating some help for school fees for an English speaking school. It is in their interests for their employees to be happy and not be thinking about returning to the UK.

Well said!

Yes I would. Because education is everything. Of course learning happens in other environments but this isn’t an intentional home schooling situation and the mum clearly isn’t wanting to homeschool or she would be with no complaints.

Education is the only means of being an independent adult. Having choices. Having success both in terms of confidence and financial.

The daughter is out of routine having had time away from/not attending school. She’s understandably anxious; anxiety is a normal human emotion to change, especially in situations we don’t actually want. But school isn’t a choice. It’s like brushing teeth; it’s just something we HAVE to do for our greater good.

If OP needs to change the school, fine. But opting it isn’t in her daughter’s interests, nor is collecting her every time she gets upset. Kids are clever, they know how to orchestrate situations to get their desired goals (mine try it on all the time at bedtime or when they’re not getting what they want - it’s normal). As the parent, it’s our job to set expectations and ensure our children are set up for success in life.

Well said, if you’re happy for your child to continue missing education!

could it be a language issue that is causing some of the anxiety? You said she’s 80% fluent ?
could it be now she’s at school and moved on from pre school there is more advanced conversation to follow and engage with and it’s more noticeable to her that she’s not Portuguese.
I only mention this as I have a friend who had a similar issue with a slightly older child when they moved to Greece.

Education is not everything, in fact it becomes very insignificant when your child is this ill. My child is 6, still very young, many countries do not start formal learning until 6 or 7, they all reach the same educational level. My girl is
likely actually ahead many of the others in reading, writing and maths, as she’s done it at home for years. Doing it in another language is where the difficulty arises.

I sincerely hope you never go through anything like this

It's quite obvious that the OP is not happy for her child to miss out on her education. Rather, the OP is dealing with an extremely difficult and unusual situation, and is trying to do the best for her daughter. Please have some compassion and realise that approaches have to be tailored to a child's individual circumstances, in order for them to access a suitable and full education.

Yes this adds to it, although she speaks very well. I think without being ill and missing so much time, she would have coped ok, but these are just added challenges

Feeling anxious from time to time is normal, yes, but having an anxiety disorder, or a condition that is triggering extreme anxiety, as appears to be the case here, is totally different.

When you say the work is too hard, this makes me think the school are not tailoring it to the ability of the children. Can you try a different school or perhaps an English language or British school?

I think you need to reconsider keeping her at a school that doesn't speak English. Please either move her to a British school in the country you live in, or move back to the UK. If she can read in English (and most children in Year 1 should be able to read in the UK) then her confidence will improve when she can understand what the teacher asks her.

Preserving mental and physical health has to be considered alongside education though @WidgetDigit2022. I used to think getting a top degree from a top university was very important, but having gone ahead and done that at some cost to my health, I realised that a bigger component of success in life and work is entering the adult world with a positive attitude and confidence in your own mind and body. This little girl is very young, and she isn’t academically behind, what she does need however is to be handled with care until she can recover her equilibrium. As others have pointed out OP clearly does care about her education, why would she even be posting otherwise? Generally if parents are acting in a way you find strange, it’s because they have very good reason that you don’t yet understand.

Now that you've admitted that 'Doing it in another language is where the difficulty arises', I really do think that you either need to somehow raise the money to get her into an English speaking school, bring her back to the UK, or home school her, which as you've said previously you are a teacher, should be easy for you. While children do pick up foreign languages much quicker than adults, with everything your child has gone through, it's just adding another major difficulty to her little life, and then it all gets too much for her.

Have you spoken with the school about whether they would allow you to go in with her for the first 1/2 hours of every day to settle her? I dont think thats probably possible here without DBS etc but wondering if your DD's school are more flexible? Do you think that would help?

I asked that a while ago, they don’t allow sadly

Education isn't everything. Living, loving, experiencing and connection is everything.

Not all children become adults sadly. Imagine pushing your child so hard at the worse time of their life that their whole childhood is miserable, that they lose connection with their loved ones because the relationship breaks down because a parent forces them into an environment that is actually damaging thier wellbeing. They pass their exams and then die or are so mentally unwell that the exams are pointless.

Anxiety isn't black and white. For some exposure to what is making you anxious may be beneficial to make you realise your anxiety is unfounded. But for others especially ASD, PANS, Brain injury and PTSD this is not helpful and actually can cause more damage. Recordable data of significant raised heart rate and raised blood pressure and other negative effects on the body. Which don't reduce with continual forcing a person back into that environment but actually increase the negative medical effects.

They have tried forcing into school the very fact schools are contacting mum to collect must mean that the impact school is having on child is obviously detrimental.
Schools generally do not contact parents to collect even when they possibly should

Have emailed the teacher today, asking her opinion, how she felt the other day went and cited the reasons why holding back a year may be better for her and if she knows if this is possible at all

Good luck! I really hope you get a positive response from them 🤞xx

Sorry if I missed the part about OPs child having a terminal illness.

When I was about 9 so 2 years older than your daughter, I had an illness that lasted about 4/6 weeks which seemed a massive time to me as a child. I was highly anxious at coming back to school, I had to do half days for a while as I was hyperventilating at the thought of staying all day. My parents worked with the school and built up from half days to full time but going was non-negotiable, I had to go. I don't know what's the right answer but it was the best thing for me.

If they are unhelpful in their reply - could you move schools to a more supportive one?

Google seems to bring up lots of answers that retaking a year is fairly common in Portugal - so if it's not possible with this school I'd seek further advice.

https://panspandasuk.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Education-Guide-PANS-and-PANDAS-Parents-Caregivers-DIGITAL-VERSION.pdf

Request a meeting with the SENDCO (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Co-ordinator). Think around potential strategies that you feel might be supportive. At the meeting outline the diagnosis, the health care involvement, and discuss the areas of difficulty that your child is experiencing. Agree on a support plan. Decide on how you will communicate, review, and assess the support. Key issues to be discussed could include; a flexible nurturing response, plan for a flare, input from medical professionals, and the school’s need to be aware of and to report triggers including infections (as necessary for individual children). The setting should be aware that some children with these conditions may mask in schools. The setting can also implement an individual health care plan (IHCP) outlining the medical needs. This should include the diagnosis or suspected diagnosis, symptoms, medication information and early signs of deterioration. Parents/carers should be aware of their responsibility to inform the school about changes to medication and presentation.

This covers advice for parenst to ask for UK schools - have you had anything like that with them?

Some unkind and ill informed responses on here from people who clearly have not experienced anything similar. Your poor little girl has had an awful lot to deal with and you are absolutely right to want to minimise any more trauma for her.
So given that returning to the UK or going to a British school is out of the question, what might work is a VERY gentle reintroduction to school.
Assuming that the school will accommodate:
Identify something in the school day that she enjoys (storytime? playtime?) and arrange to take her just for that. Maybe a couple of times a week to start with. Tell her that she is just going for that one thing and you are waiting for her (maybe in the school reception - might have to be outside the classroom door to start with).
If that works a few times, start adding on a bit before and a bit after. Once she is confident and staying happily you can leave her but reassure her you will be back at x time.
You might end up with half days for the latter part of this year, but then hopefully from the new school year she will be more confident and maybe ready to go all day. Alternatively you might have to start with part days and build up from there.
This is written from direct experience, it might not work but from what you've said I would see it as having the best chance of success. Good luck with it all and hope your little girl is better soon.

I’m sorry you have received so many unpleasant and ill informed comments. Though it’s good to see some helpful responses, such as the gentle approach that@Newyeargymwanker described which you may be able to implement eventually.

Unlike some PPs I don’t think the second language is the heart of the problem. It sounds as though her conversational skills are fine, and at her age her overall proficiency will improve easily with a bit more time and interaction. Moving to a new school at this stage (or as some have suggested, moving to another country) could increase rather than reduce her anxiety. Familiarity with her surroundings may be more reassuring for her.

I would try to maintain a low demand environment for her as much as possible and also try to access play therapy if it is available. A gradual return to school would be ideal, but it sounds as though she really can’t cope with school quite yet. I hope the teacher gives you a helpful response to your email.