Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

Well, no. I expect teachers to have received specific training in how to teach, by spending 1-4 years doing either the PGCE post-grad year or by doing a teaching degree. Not just by receiving a standard education up to the age of 18. As I haven’t done that I don’t think I’m qualified to teach my kids as well as a teacher could. I could probably teach a bright and engaged 6 year old, but if I was faced with a kid who was struggling I wouldn’t know the best ways/techniques to help them.

I'm afraid I would be firm but fair and I wouldn't let her know that I'm prepared to give in at all. I have to do that with one of my children and the message does sink in eventually - a simple 'I'm sorry you don't like it but the more you miss, the more you will have to catch up on and the more isolated you will be, so the only way to fix this is to go to school' and then brook no further argument. Put on your big girl pants when she cries and drop and go - I know its so hard and you don't want to feel like you're abandoning them but children to have to learn that being uncomfortable is ok and you have to work through it. If there is no good reason for her to be off school then off she goes.

This is eminently sensible.

tbh, I don’t even know you need to ask permission - pull out to home school and put her in language learning classes which emphasise fun and restart next year.

Learning another language fluently is a brilliant skill and enhances her brain in all kinds of ways - don’t get her put off by forcing her to struggle endlessly.

As a trained teacher I can tell you that most of the training you do is about managing a class full (30 pupils ) of very different needs, how to manage and control behaviour.
Very often teachers end up teaching subjects they may not have a good grasp of themselves. And will be using online resources in class to deliver the subject.
All of which I am fully able to access online as I home educating my own children. But as my own children are far less than 30 it means I don't have to manage behaviour in the same way and that I can tailor to the interests and need far more effectively.

It's a lot of work and not an easy choice.but sometimes it is the only option.

Hopefully @Palmtreesinthewinds will be able to resolve the situation over time but it isn't a simple as just making child go

Because if you can’t add anything to an already emotionally exhausting situation, why just pout judgement on.

i can guarantee you have no experience of a school refuser from your response.

Most home ed situations are not intentional; that makes no difference. Many home ed parents have found themselves in this situation because school wasn't the right environment for their child to learn in and in desperation they tried something different to manage the anxiety levels and turn things around. You're clearly unable to imagine a child whose needs couldn't be met, or wouldn't be met, by school. Also anxiety that is unmanageable but without a manipulative element. That's fine, lots of people haven't experienced these things but what you shouldn't do is assume you know what it's like to have a child in this position. It's not a question of grinning and bearing it.

@Bodybutterblusher experts who treat the condition OPs DD has have advised her child needs far more expert support for a graduated school return. None have said that home education is the solution here.

I just thought having a buddy might help. I appreciate it couldn't be long term. My DS was a reading buddy at primary school for another pupil and it worked really well. I appreciate that times have changed.

A gentle conversation with her that school is non-negotiable, and another conversation with the school to agree strategy and support. Don’t weaken!

Look at this https://www.supportservicesforeducation.co.uk/page/20029

Home school her. She has been through a lot and is telling you she can't cope with school at the minute. There are different ways to socialise and not all children have the same want to socialise with other kids. Long term stress and anxiety can lead to physical illness. Don't worry about falling behind. She's only little and her mental health is more important. School will be there when she is ready. If not there are online schools etc

Could you go in to the class room with her for a day or two or some mornings till she feels more settled? Could school allow this?

Sorry to hear your DD is anxious and unsettled with school. I didn't want to read and run but my DD was the same when she started reception class. She would be upset in the morning when getting dressed for school. When we arrived at the school gate she would cling onto me, cry, feel anxious. She went into school but I would get a phone call to collect her. I would reassure her everytime. This went on for months. Had a meeting with the school and she only went in for the mornings then gradually over time, she stayed for lunch and finally the whole day when she settled in. At the time she was extremely clingy due to losing her baby brother. We lost him 18 months before. Do you feel your DD is anxious due to school because she has been poorly. Personally, I would have a chat with the school and see if she can go in for a couple of hours and over time, build it up when she is ready. Tell her, you will be at school by a certain time. Also my DD was allowed to wear a little watch and I would tell her I would be at school at a certain time. It helped her. My DD is 18 now so a long time ago.

My son was aged 8 got Ill and was extremely fatigued with aches and pains. He wasn’t diagnosed with post viral fatigue until 9 months later. He had to go part time at school a d slowly (over two years) build up to full time school again. He has anxiety traits anyway but feeling tired and achy yet having to be at school fosters greater anxiety and a feeling of overwhelm at scho which means not learning anyway. my son is now at high school and had a relapse so is on reduced timetable again. But I know he can and will slowly build up to full time again and catch up with education (he does workbooks at home).

my advice is - I would be led by the child …. If you force schooling when your child isn’t feeling physically great and is anxious it could cause bigger issues. Health comes first. involve GP to check on physical health. Ask your daughter how she feels. Get advice on anxiety. Could sensory processing issues be involved (also a factor for my child) . Look up sensory processing disorder (SPD) on YouTube. Everything made worse by not feeling too well. I would recommend a reduced timetable slowly building up to full time. Be child led for now. No child will learn anything at school if they are so distressed and anxious anyway so no point being there whilst crying. Get support. Best of luck to you both xx

What??

Please ignore them. They're being sarcastic. And extremely insensitive x

I don’t need to ask permission, but would then need to apply to homeschool her, which is quite complicated and I wanted to see if there was an option to move her back to Pre school for a few days per week until summer. Half the class are her friends (who she’d then move up with in Year 1) she knows the classroom, teachers & playground. It’s less pressure as more play based and would be a gentle introduction back, more socialisation and more language practice.
If they’d be willing to do this, i’m not sure. She missed the last 1.5 months of this class as the illness started then and missed her end of year graduation and show. She’d be able to do it all if up to it

No experts, I have found no experts in the area here, the Drs have admitted themselves that they have limited knowledge of the illness. Besides, we don’t have to blindly follow what a Dr says if we know it’s probably not in our child’s best interests. Drs are Gods and quite a few actually aren’t that great, this has been a sad realisation for me during all this.

Were they actually making a joke about a child having a terminal illness…wow.

They don't necessarily need to be experts on PANS. occupational therapists have expertise with sensory issues and motor skills, which can be difficulties with PANS. Clinical psychologists know about supporting mental health issues like anxiety. Educational psychologists have knowledge on adapting the educational environment to meet a child's needs. Speech and language therapists can help with any issues with disfluency or other speech symptoms that PANS can cause. Are any of these specialists involved?

No, I was talking about our pediatric psychiatrist

It would be rare for a psychiatrist to be directly involved in supporting a return to school, so I'm not surprised that they don't have much knowledge about that side of things. I obviously don't know how the system works there, but here schools can access OT, SLT and Educational Psychology. Clinical psychology might be accessed through school or through your daughter's psychiatrist.

They haven’t offered any of that sadly

Unfortunately, even here, you often need to ask for these things to be provided and argue for the support that your child needs. I would definitely talk to the school about what specialist input is available and seek advice about referrals - those may be through school or through a doctor depending on how things are set up there.

You need to overcome YOUR anxiety and leave your child in school. You are making things worse, imo, by jumping to pick her up whenever she's upset.
Talk to the school and together, change the expectation: when you go to school you stay to the end, barring an unexpected sickness.