Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can’t get my child to school

448 replies

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 11:40

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Scirocco · 08/01/2025 19:34

WidgetDigit2022 · 08/01/2025 19:17

Weak parenting. Your job is to create independence and confidence, not encourage this silliness.

Take her to school and tell her that she’s to stay all day as she needs to learn. That’s how we get good jobs and can buy nice things when we’re older.

Do you work? Are you able to separate yourself from her?

People die from encephalitis. This child is recovering from an extremely serious illness.

TheWonderhorse · 08/01/2025 19:35

MerryMaker · 08/01/2025 19:26

@TheWonderhorse I am not one of those just saying to pretend there are no issues. She needs support for a graduated return.

Sorry, my mistake. I agree with you.

Tiswa · 08/01/2025 19:37

I suggest all those who say it is weak parenting and a need not a want read up on Pans/Pandas it is a difficult diagnosis and the mental health effects are well known and wide ranging
OP has she had CBT therapy and so you have any exercises/therapy plan to work through

I think holding back a year if the school agrees is a very good idea let her start at the beginning with everyone else and give her more time to recover

if they will let you do preschool sessions maybe start v slowly over the next half term and build up

MerryMaker · 08/01/2025 19:39

@Scirocco The child has PANS. This is still a serious illness.
The DDs specialist has said that DD should return to school

Scirocco · 08/01/2025 19:48

And if that's not working out then it's worth going back and reconsidering if she's actually recovered sufficiently yet.

Commonsense22 · 08/01/2025 19:49

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 08/01/2025 19:07

Tbh i think you haven't helped her by educating her at home effectively in English while intending to send her to a portuguese language school.
Its going to feel really overwhelming for her trying to start again learning to read and write in a second language having already done so in English she probably doesn't see the point hence finding it all too hard?
What was your actual long term plan for her education, the UK system or the portuguese?! You need to commit to something

Err no? What the OP did is the best tried and tested method for raising a bilingual child.
I honestly think language is a red herring. At 6, kids absorb language like sponges and it's very frequent (and effective) for children to integrate local schools with literally no language skills at all. Here the child does speak Portuguese well already.

Learning to read in Enhlish will have helped, certainly not hindered.

comedia24 · 08/01/2025 20:04

@Palmtreesinthewinds that sounds like a very scary experience for all of you, no wonder she's struggling. I'd go back to the healthcare professionals and school, and I'd be really inclined to try and push her back a year so she can re-establish comfort with the environment and the language.

But honestly, after that experience I might flee back home - yes, you could well have the same issues re separation anxiety, but you'll be a bit better able to navigate it and understand the options.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Nephthys21 · 08/01/2025 20:05

I'm a clinical psychologist in the UK and I've worked with young people with PANS/PANDAS. Generally our recommendation would be for a multidisciplinary assessment and plan. In the UK that would include people like occupational therapy, speech and language therapy, educational psychology and clinical psychology, depending on the main symptoms. Have you had specialist assessment in relation to managing her anxiety and developing a plan for a graded return to school?

FiveWhatByFiveWhat · 08/01/2025 20:06

AngelinaFibres · 08/01/2025 12:02

Im a parent and I was a teacher of this age group for years. I would never have called you. She's at school , everyone else is there too.She's warm and safe and the teacher can deal with any issues she has. I hated school as a child. If my mum had picked me up whenever I was upset I'd never have managed a full day.

FFS it's not just a case of a kid hating school and "kicking off".

Has hardly anyone on this thread actually read/comprehended this is a 6 year old child who has been seriously ill for months and is still recovering? Comparison it to a general tantrum and even an adult deliberately crying to be sent home from work because they CBA is ridiculous.

@Palmtreesinthewinds it sounds like the school are aware of your daughter's issues, they know they are genuine and they want to support you? I'd speak to them and the dr's and try to put a plan in place. Maybe try a tutor or something kind of relaxed him learning in the afternoons (as she's only doing half days ATM anyway) to try and help her catch up a little. That might ease her anxiety about being behind. Books about starting school. Role play drop off and pick up. Lots of encouragement, reminder of how brave she's been when she was ill. She needs building up. Classes where you leave her for an hour or so, even just being in a different room to the class at first.

Wishing you and your daughter the very best x

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 20:29

MerryMaker · 08/01/2025 19:07

OP you have been given decent advice about a very graduated return to school.
I would not try home schooling. She is not 100% fluent in the language and has separation anxiety, home schooling could simply make these issues worse.

I am also concerned that you are seeing returning to the UK as a panacea. Moving country, home and school is a big deal even for an emotionally robust and healthy child. Such a big change may at this time be too much for her to deal with.

I am also aware that any mum whose child has been ill will have anxiety around that, and your DD may be picking up on your own anxiety as well. So if I was you I would seek specialist support for any trauma and anxiety you have around your daughters ill health and current difficulties.

Your DDs specialist has said she should return to school, so I would go with this advice. The specialist understands your DD and her health issues better than any of us do on MN.

I also think the advice from a mum who has faced similar difficulties with her DC in creating a secure routine at home, was good advice. So clear routines, storyboards so she knows what will happen each day. Decent bed times so she gets enough sleep and a soothing bed time routine. Very little access to tech, good quality food and exercise. Obviously this does not directly address ger issues. But reducing anxiety in her home life by having a clear routine, and helping her body be as healthy as possible, all help to support her recovery.

The psychiatrist admitted herself that she has limited knowledge of Pans.

OP posts:
Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 20:31

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 08/01/2025 19:07

Tbh i think you haven't helped her by educating her at home effectively in English while intending to send her to a portuguese language school.
Its going to feel really overwhelming for her trying to start again learning to read and write in a second language having already done so in English she probably doesn't see the point hence finding it all too hard?
What was your actual long term plan for her education, the UK system or the portuguese?! You need to commit to something

Hey? It’s important she reads and writes in English too? This came naturally to her and wasn’t something i’d hold back on. It’s important she can obviously read and write in English, one has no bearing on the other

OP posts:
Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 20:34

MerryMaker · 08/01/2025 19:15

OP can I suggest you continue to take advice from your DDs specialist, rather than parents on face book recommending certain medical treatments? Even if their child has the same diagnosis, every child is different and a treatment plan needs to be individualised to your child.

On Facebook?? I never mentioned Fb

OP posts:
Changeagain3 · 08/01/2025 20:42

WidgetDigit2022 · 08/01/2025 19:17

Weak parenting. Your job is to create independence and confidence, not encourage this silliness.

Take her to school and tell her that she’s to stay all day as she needs to learn. That’s how we get good jobs and can buy nice things when we’re older.

Do you work? Are you able to separate yourself from her?

Obviously you have never had to deal with an extremely sick child or a child with severe anxiety.

Lucky you
Back in OP world things are very different
She isn't a weak parent she is a parent who recognises her child is struggling and trying to work out a course of action that won't make things even worse for her child

MerryMaker · 08/01/2025 20:49

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 20:34

On Facebook?? I never mentioned Fb

Another poster suggested a face book group where parents recommended treatments. I was advising you to ignore her advice and listen to your DDs specialists

Mostlyoblivious · 08/01/2025 21:10

I’ve not read everything over the day however what is coming out clearly is that you are lacking guidance from those within her education and healthcare teams that you feel is informed and constructive. With this in mind I would urge you to find a private specialist psychiatrist with PANS/PANDAS experience who can advise you. Look at the charity and the private medics at Evalina and GOSH. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it must be a horrendous time

Endofyear · 08/01/2025 21:18

How would the school feel about you staying in the classroom at first and gradually reducing your presence once she's settled in? You could be seen as an unpaid TA/parent helper and also support her learning as it sounds like she has missed a lot and will need some help to catch up.

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 21:26

Endofyear · 08/01/2025 21:18

How would the school feel about you staying in the classroom at first and gradually reducing your presence once she's settled in? You could be seen as an unpaid TA/parent helper and also support her learning as it sounds like she has missed a lot and will need some help to catch up.

They won’t allow parents in unfortunately:(

OP posts:
Bodybutterblusher · 08/01/2025 21:44

I have had children at school and have also home educated. Right now your child needs to feel secure and the right conditions to learn in.

My concern about forcing her into school is that it's a long day for a child who is hypersensitive to stimuli and I think she might be too overwhelmed to learn which would create a vicious cycle.

I also do not think that socialisation is your biggest problem right now. My home ed kids went back to school with high confidence levels and were popular because they played with everybody and didn't feel confined to cliques. They were also academically comfortably ahead which is so easy to achieve with one child and your child is clearly bright.

The psychiatrist is going to recommend school because there may be support there and home ed is an unknown. I would consider it and probably ignore it just for now. If this was an adult, I think they'd end up being signed off with with stress if you continued sending them into work in this state, regardless of what the original problem was. Given the nature of the illness let's give the girl a break.

She's still little. She has lots of time to develop and grow. She can do after school activities where there will be other children and even if you only know one other home ed family, that can be enough for now. You might be surprised at how many there are.

I would explain to her that you understand she doesn't feel relaxed at school just yet and she has some extra learning to do. You have listened to her when she has told you that she wants to learn at home. You are willing to help her learn at home so that she is doing the same work as the other children when the time is right for her to return.

This will not make the separation anxiety worse. It's there already. She is likely to outgrow it as she grows in confidence and develops naturally. I would nurture every relationship you can with others. Maybe there's an older lady who she can play with and have a biscuit for half an hour. That's a start. Maybe there's a family at the park she will play with, provided she doesn't feel the need to constantly check you haven't wondered off.

I don't think there is a quick fix here. The language is a problem. Can you speak to her in Portuguese? I would see if there is a lovely student who could come and play with her a few times a week on a regular basis in a kind of mother's help role. Another chance to speak the language and another opportunity to find out she can manage without you. Don't force it. Just be very boring and make sure the helper is relaxed and has fun stuff - stickers, slime, a magazine, a craft. She can't talk in English to your daughter unless absolutely necessary and then she must explain what she's said in Portuguese and check understanding later.

An online teacher can be another way of having contact with the outside world.

Get her into every activity you can afford and she will try. Private lesson at first are often easier. Physical things like gymnastics, riding, dance and swimming might be absorbing and less tiring than learning an instrument.

What you need right now is a relaxed child who is able to learn. School is not able to provide that. She has regressed and it might just be too noisy and too demanding. It sounds miserable for her. You have time. Relax. Focus on getting her ready.

I think you might be very surprised by how differently a staged return to school goes in a year when she has benefited from recovery and support, is not daunted by the work and has had some time to develop.

But what a tricky time for you all. I have been in a not dissimilar situation and I really do think that accepting where she is at right now is the way forward. And go outside lots.

A bit random but daughter really benefited from having a Maine Coon cat. I refused to touch it so that cat knew who it belonged to. They are incredibly clingy which, in a strange way, helped my daughter to understand that all the anxiety around separation was unnecessary and a little bit funny. The cat sat outside the door complaining if she went to the bathroom. My daughter would reassure her but the cat wouldn't be told. It sat on the kitchen table and studied her as she ate her cereal in the mornings. It accompanied her on walks. It slept on her bed. It sat on her reading book and swiped her pencils off the table. It was a warm, breathing, huge companion and it gave her confidence.

1AngelicFruitCake · 08/01/2025 21:49

What have school suggested?

WidgetDigit2022 · 08/01/2025 22:29

Endofyear · 08/01/2025 21:18

How would the school feel about you staying in the classroom at first and gradually reducing your presence once she's settled in? You could be seen as an unpaid TA/parent helper and also support her learning as it sounds like she has missed a lot and will need some help to catch up.

This would be inappropriate for all other students in the class.

OPs child needs to adjust to normal school life. She needs to start to trust school, she won’t do that if mum is hovering in the background constantly.

OP needs to seek support to strengthen her own confidence in raising a confident child. Providing opportunities and encouragement to get back into the world without mum. Even if that involves discomfort; in the long term, that will be highly beneficial for the child.

Changeagain3 · 08/01/2025 22:43

WidgetDigit2022 · 08/01/2025 22:29

This would be inappropriate for all other students in the class.

OPs child needs to adjust to normal school life. She needs to start to trust school, she won’t do that if mum is hovering in the background constantly.

OP needs to seek support to strengthen her own confidence in raising a confident child. Providing opportunities and encouragement to get back into the world without mum. Even if that involves discomfort; in the long term, that will be highly beneficial for the child.

you haven't got the faintest clue

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 23:13

Changeagain3 · 08/01/2025 22:43

you haven't got the faintest clue

Right ❤️

OP posts:
MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 08/01/2025 23:24

It really doesn't sound like your child's school have her best interests at heart OP. You're expected to ensure that your DD attends, but they don't seem to want to assist you in that at all. With this in mind, I am beginning to think that you and your family might be better off moving back to the UK. In the meantime, I would encourage your DD to spend as much time as she can manage with other people that she feels safe with, as it will help show her that she doesn't ALWAYS need Mummy by her side, and the more she does this, the easier she will find it to be without you when she does eventually return to school.

NiftyKoala · 08/01/2025 23:59

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 08/01/2025 23:24

It really doesn't sound like your child's school have her best interests at heart OP. You're expected to ensure that your DD attends, but they don't seem to want to assist you in that at all. With this in mind, I am beginning to think that you and your family might be better off moving back to the UK. In the meantime, I would encourage your DD to spend as much time as she can manage with other people that she feels safe with, as it will help show her that she doesn't ALWAYS need Mummy by her side, and the more she does this, the easier she will find it to be without you when she does eventually return to school.

I so agree with this. She is so little and has been thru a devastating illness adults would have trouble coping with much less a little child.

WidgetDigit2022 · 09/01/2025 07:01

Palmtreesinthewinds · 08/01/2025 23:13

Right ❤️

Neither do you as your child is still missing school! You’ve posted on here and rather than appreciate a range of responses, you’re clearly only taking in the ones that support your own view - which isn’t working as your child is still without an education.

Time to take action.