To leave my husband because of his depression?

[CeciliaMars]

My husband has been on anti-depressants for as long as I've known him. He copes well with life generally but is just always really... down. Has never had a good day. Always low. Never smiling. On top of this, he has worsening physical issues with his back. This obviously makes him more depressed and sad, and he can't exercise, which he used to love.
He's a great dad to our kids. He's a decent man who has never treated me badly. But I'm feeling so drained by his life. I work full time, sometimes 11 hour days. But when I get home, he's still had a harder day, even when he hasn't worked (he works 2-3 days per week). I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.
I feel like I have 2 choices, as it's clear this situation isn't going to change. Do I accept this is who he is, and plough on, despite feeling like we never have fun together. I'm not sure I love him any more. Or do I break up the whole family and plunge us all into an emotionally and financially fraught situation of my choosing? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I would leave as this is likely to worse. Life is too short for this.

What attracted you to him in the first place? It sounds as if he has always been this way.

maybe looking at the past will help you figure out the present

People on mumsnet will just tell you to leave, it’s their stock response.
Talk it through with a couple’s therapist.

If he has always been on anti depressants then what made you think you could 'cure' him?

I never said I thought I could cure him.
Years ago, when he was able to exercise a lot and we didn't have kids, he coped a lot better. The grind of family life, physical issues and caring for elderly parents has made things much worse. I didn't actually find out about the depression till after we were married.

I’d leave too. It’s not a ltb but life really is too short. That sounds a miserable existence. Your kids will be finding it miserable too. They’ll notice the lack of laughter. I feel very sorry for your dh as I’m sure do you. But you have to think about yourself and not be forced to live that life with him. Good luck.

I'm in a similar position OP. My DH has suffered with depression for 15 years with bouts of severe depression, including 1 mental breakdown which he was hospitalised for 6 weeks. Ita draining. He's never happy with his lot, if he had a pot of gold it would be the wrong shaped gold. We saw a couples therapist for 6 months and that does help to get things off your chest if you're not able to talk about it with each other normally. I'm not sure if I'm going to stick it out to be honest because life's too short and I've come to the conclusion he won't change. Even his therapist is surprised I'm still with him.

Is he on the right medication? My DH lost his spark this last year big style, and is now on anti depressants and is the man I met - eg preclude levels of joy.

Perhaps a change of meds?

I would leave too. He would drain the life out of me and I just could not cope with sacrificing my happiness for his misery. Your DC will feel it too be sure of that.

I would be seeking to leave on the principle that if marriage feels a life sentence it’s no longer functional. I don’t believe in toughing things out and bringing two people down instead of one just because of vows. Shoot me but you have to look after yourself if your spouse no longer fulfills that requirement.

But how old are your children? I guess I would want to either do it when the kids are very young or perhaps help get them through the tough transition periods together before you split.

In sickness and in health.

Only you can decide OP but I don't believe marriage is an alter you sacrifice your life on.

Is he currently having therapy? Doing something about his back? Seeking alternative meds?

I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.

Ones that aren't in constant pain, you mean?

But the OP is stating that there isn't any 'health' is she just expected to give up enjoyment in her life also?

I agree with checking he’s on the right medication at the right dose. My DP has depression but on the right dose is bright and funny and enjoys life. Give your DH an ultimatum about going to the GP with you. Your current situation is intolerable. If that doesn’t work then of course you have a right to leave

OP has said he's always been like this. Why did she have children and partner with a man who never smiles or has a good day, he hasn't changed. OK he can't exercise now as his back is worse, but I think surely it's better not to wreck the family now, this is the bed you chose to lie in. It says to the kids that it's fine to abandon people when the going gets tough, and imagine their partners left them for similar reasons? You already work long hours, is that going to improve if you're a single parent? Will the kids not be with him a large chunk of the time?

Try looking into.microdosing or MDMA

I’d have a conversation about unhappy you are and what needs to change. Suggest counselling. Individual and couple. Give a time frame for improvement. Then if nothing changes leave.

Life is too short. I stayed with my depressed DH because it was a short term depression brought on by something in particular that he took steps to deal with. It was still 2 years of awfulness that nearly broke me too.

I couldn't have lived long term like that.

Have you spoken to him about your feelings?

Talk to your husband first. Tell him you empathise with his physical and psychological pain but be firm with him about him needing to do everything he can to feel better for the whole family : seeing a profesionnal for his back and for his mental health. Also, try to have a life outside the family unit. If DH is better at home with DC then you go out and have fun with friends.

I am on medication for my mh but I keep my low mood to myself. I encourage DH to go out as much as he wants since I'm too tired in the evenings. I don't share my mood with DH and I don't complain. Why bring anyone else down? So there are ways to live with depression without being selfish.

I’m struggling to understand why you would even marry someone thats never had a good day or smiled let alone have kids with them.

The stress of a young family is a difficult time for most couples. Add in a medical condition or lack of mobility and it really is at breaking point.
The way I have coped is by carving out time for myself. Appreciate you work long days so maybe the weekend. Can he watch them while you get some alone time. Even a walk alone followed by a coffee and a book will help. I’ve honestly found the more time I get to do this the happier I feel. It’s time to concentrate on you, you don’t need to divorce to do this.

If you can afford it, leave.

Don't underestimate how difficult/expensive it is to be a single mum. I co parent with a fully functioning, happy man. It's still hard work. Teenagers eat you out of house and home. Mine at 15 and 16 eat a lot, the price of food is high. House maintenance is also an ongoing concern.

If you can afford to be single, do it. You are no one's Florence Nightingale

I left mine in the end. He had the ability to make even the best experiences miserable. For example, once we went on the trip of a lifetime, we talked about it later and he said he hated that trip because all he can remember is being hungry 🤨 we were a bit restricted on where we could eat because of my dietary issues but we saw all kinds of amazing sites and all he could do in retrospect was moan! It was like the opposite of rose-tinted glasses. I encouraged him to try counselling and to change antidepressants but he wouldn’t engage. It felt like he just wanted to be miserable and drag everyone around him down as well. Yet when I was upset about things, I was being dramatic or he just didn’t have any empathy for me. The competitive misery as well- no matter what you say, they are worse. Your work day was busy, there’s was worse. DD and I caught a cold, we were on holiday so we calpol/paracetamoled up and got on with it. The next week he caught it and it was full blown man flu. No-one had ever been as ill and suffered like he did! I remember when he started to moan he was tired when DD was a baby and EBF, I did all the night feeds..I said ‘don’t even try to do competitive tiredness with me, no-one will ever win!’
Splitting up was tough initially. Obviously monkey doesn’t go as far and I had to learn how to do DIY and be more independent. I had to clear out a lot of crap he left behind.
It gradually got easier. 3 years down the line, DD is far happier, I’m far happier. I’ve been promoted, I’ve met a lovely fella (not planning to move in for a while). XH is still miserable sod but somehow met someone else within a couple of weeks. When he told me (I had already guessed), genuinely my first thought was ‘Oh good; he’s got someone else to moan at now!’ 🙄😆
LTB is easier said than done, but I think you should consider it. Sounds like you do most of the donkey work anyway. I left not because I thought I’d be better off with someone else, but because I thought I’d be better off alone than in that miserable marriage. I was already happier but meeting DP was the icing on the cake.