To leave my husband because of his depression?

[CeciliaMars]

My husband has been on anti-depressants for as long as I've known him. He copes well with life generally but is just always really... down. Has never had a good day. Always low. Never smiling. On top of this, he has worsening physical issues with his back. This obviously makes him more depressed and sad, and he can't exercise, which he used to love.
He's a great dad to our kids. He's a decent man who has never treated me badly. But I'm feeling so drained by his life. I work full time, sometimes 11 hour days. But when I get home, he's still had a harder day, even when he hasn't worked (he works 2-3 days per week). I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.
I feel like I have 2 choices, as it's clear this situation isn't going to change. Do I accept this is who he is, and plough on, despite feeling like we never have fun together. I'm not sure I love him any more. Or do I break up the whole family and plunge us all into an emotionally and financially fraught situation of my choosing? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I totally understand that he has it hard too. I know I sound unsympathetic. But this has been worsening over a 15 year period and it's just making me so sad and exhausted too. Please be kind. I'm asking for advice.

Sounds like the family life is kind of wrecked anyway. Imagine the kids living with that level of misery day in day out.

Is your duty to the marriage vows more important than the children’s wellbeing? I would say the kids actually take priority.

That being said has he seen a psychiatrist? Has he got the best treatment? Is there anything else that can be done?

What happened to "in sickness and in health"? You can't just bail because your spouse is ill.

He's always had depression - but I found out about it after I married him. It hasn't always been this bad. Living with depression in your twenties when you have lots of free time and spare income is different to in your 40s with responsibilities for children, elderly parents and bills mounting. Surely you can understand that life changes and for some people it's harder to cope?

Living in misery isn't great for your kids.

OP I'd try two things:

Get his medication adjusted/try new meds, get a specialist involved if feasible

Couples therapy. If he hadn't even told you about the antidepressants until after marriage communication is clearly not great, and you sound like you have no hope of communicating your needs to him. Possibly individual therapy too

If neither work, yes if course you're free to leave. He can't just dump his feelings on you forever more.

Maybe our OP said “in sickness and in health but only for as long as it suits me”.

Magic mushrooms and truffles can help no end with mental health problems. You can order truffles from Amsterdam shops. I'll probably get banned for this. Or take a weekend break to Amsterdam where it's legal and see if it helps
I grew up with a mother who suffered from mental health problems and all I remember of her is this woman in bed all day never speaking, always miserable. There was ever any fun in our house. I couldn't wait to leave home for a new life.
Have all the medication options been explored?

This is really sad to read, OP :(

My husband has depression too and I do worry about him a lot and our future. However, perhaps the difference is that we do have fun together still, and we have a good life, so maybe it is milder than your husband's. It's still hard at times though when he is down after work for no obvious reason etc.

I suppose you need to reflect and think about how much you love/ care for him and how how much you want to be with him, and of course the impact on your family of you separating. Marriage is hard and you are right, it's very different in your 40's with all the responsibilities than it is in your 20's. It's common for people to feel a strain at this point in their marriage, and the depression is putting an extra pressure on your relationship.

Is walking away from it the right solution for you? Only you can decide that but I think I would want to exhaust all of the options first, and see if I could make things better (assuming you still love and care for him underneath it all).

What kind of help/ support is he getting - does he recognise the issue and want to improve, or is he resigned to being this way?
Have you really talked about it with him properly and how it is affecting your marriage?
Have you considered couple's therapy? Has he had/ is he having his own therapy?

I just think it might be worth trying these options - but it really depends if you feel there is something there worth saving or not.

I do feel for you, this is really hard. I hope you find the right solution for you.

What a sad situation

some people are comfortable in their misery and it’s very hard to accept this. They don’t actually want to change. I am not sure if this is the case for your dh and the reasoning behind this can be so complex but what can you do live a life of misery too

I can totally understand why you want to leave and feel you need to for a life that isn’t so heavy all the time and you deserve to be happy too

Some people will insult you on here OP, with "you made your bed ", "in sickness and in health " etc as though you haven't already spent years in exactly this mindset. Living it.
I feel sorry for the daughters of these women. I hope they can express a little more humanity with their own daughters living in misery.
You matter OP. You deserve to happy. After all this time, you can leave if you want or need to.
Good luck.

Of course you can. And she is not bailing because he is ill, she is bailing because the relationship doesn't work for her, because she is miserable and because she doesn't love him. The OP deserves to think about her quality of life rather than being an emotional support animal to someone who is disengaged from life.
My ex was also depressed and had chronic pain. When I had a conversation about our relationship, he actually wasn't really in a place where he felt it was beneficial staying together. The guilt of seeing me unhappy and being unable to meet my emotional needs was making his situation much worse. So he was happier single and without having this pressure on top of everything else he was going through. We are much much happier as friends than partners.

I disagree. He hid the depression until after they were married.

What’s he actually done to rectify his problems? If nothing, I’d leave as it won’t get better, just worse.

What's the issue with his back? If it is musculo-skeletal he absolutely can exercise and it is advised you should. A physio can give advice on the right exercises.

Another thought to add to my previous post - has he also had all the help/ intervention that he can get for his back?

It must be quite extreme if he cannot exercise at all. There's usually something that people can do to mobilise a bit more and make things better. Has he got a good physiotherapist/ osteopath/ personal trainer involved who understands his injury and can help him exercise safely? Or is it really so bad that he just can't?

Gonna piss off some people by this, but I wouldn't wish a depressed person on anyone. My partner has depression and it is so far from a life I'd wish for.

Don't get me wrong, I love my partner, and no doubt anyone with a partner who has depression also loves them, but it's like being a carer with the added bonus of fear (if they're the 'un-aliving' sort). Every day is spent picking them up, every effort is met with a blank face, you yourself get no comfort or acknowledgement because they are always the priority... and if you're like me, there's that additional fear EVERY time you come home that they might not 'be there'.

You desperately cling on to those days that there was some iota of happiness or normality as if this is the 'real' them, but it never is. Affection, sex, etc (for me) is off the table too, and you get this lingering feeling that they purposefully try not to be happy, and avoid anything that picks them up.

If it gets really bad, you even get desensitised to the feeling that they might not be there tomorrow. Is that a person you want to be? Go beyond that, and you might even wish to be free of the situation.

My experience might not be yours. My advice would be to remember the freedom and happiness you have with friends and colleagues. This is the happiness you CAN have.

It’s a sad situation and sad you feel like this. There is a real mental health crisis in this country and lack of help for those who need it, and there will be so many more men like your husband struggling. These other smiling husbands you see could well have their own struggles behind closed doors that you aren’t aware of, but may be better at keeping up appearances with those around them.

I think there is a chance you could regret leaving. Has he sought help/physio for his back? If he has and it hasn’t helped, then have you tried gauging from him whether other hobbies that aren’t so physical may help with his depression? In addition, does he get his antidepressants reviewed? Sometimes the dosage requires review or if not working well then a change in antidepressant. I had a review when I was on them at least every 6 months.

comoatoupeira

People on mumsnet will just tell you to leave, it’s their stock response.
Talk it through with a couple’s therapist.

I agree to try something first- add to this almost everyone I know in real life has a dh who is finding life tough/ has found life tough recently- as in close to depression/ depressed - I think we’re talking about menopause more now but men have some midlife things too and feel wrecked and hard done by and add stupid testosterone etc and the result is misery. Also talk to him, your friends, your family, his family. This is something that has to change. Then obviously look at leaving and whether you’re happier as you being without him. Best of luck op, myself and dh are having problems and I’m definitely looking at other couples thinking ‘god what must it be like to be able to smile so easily’ x

My DD was with a man for 8 years who had depressed. He wasn't good at taking his meds though. He too was always 'down' and it affected her day to day life. She became a shell of herself, but on weight etc. eventually she decided she couldn't do it anymore (they were still young, not married, no kids) and left. The change in her was immense. She became a happier, brighter person. Lost all the excess weight. Much more positive now.

There will be people on this thread who don't understand the reality of living with someone who has this illness, and will berate you for wanting to leave. Ignore them OP. It's your life. It's unlikely to change. You don't have to martyr yourself and stay. You're right in that leaving will likely bring emotional and financial struggles, but you will find a way to overcome them. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.

It sounds like there is more he can be doing with the GP in terms of more/different anti depressants/talking therapy and input for his back. Can you encourage him to do that?

What help has your husband sought for his back? My husband hurt his back in 2023, suddenly just went one morning. He was in agony. We bypassed our GP and booked a chiropractor appointment. I knew the GP would give him pain killers, until a chiropractor/physio appointment came through - which would have been weeks. My husband lost 3 stone in weight, and once his back was rested, he started light exercise that the chiropractor gave him. I appreciate not all back issues are the same. Is it something that could get better with the right support? Perhaps tackling the back issue, if that could improve, would help your husband's mood? If he's on medication, is this the right one for him/correct dosage? Has he sought help through counselling for his depression? He's stuck in a vicious circle, which is dragging him down further, but with it, you as well.

My partner has depression. He's a joy to be around as he got on the right meds for him. He lights up my life. There are still bad days but he's wonderful.

A lot of shitty attitudes towards depression in this thread. Anyone reading with depression, I hope it doesnt get to you.

OP, leave him if youll just be in misery too and end up resenting him. Maybe he will be happier too, if this marriage isn't helping him be happy maybe it's a bad situation for him too, and by letting him go you're setting him free to find an environment where he can see some improvement to his mental health.

Wow you really sound very unkind, do you realise that? Your guilting, passive aggressive, unhelpful, spiteful comment speaks volumes about you and does nothing to help the OP’s situation at all.

OP I would definitely try speaking to him with a counsellor and then for me the next step would be a trial separation to give him time to focus on changing. Ultimately he needs to help himself and he does not get to drag the whole family down with him. As adults our primary responsibility is to ensure we are as well as we can be to face our own life and no one can do that for us. He is abdicating his adult responsibilities to himself, his children and his wife.

The OP's husband isn't lighting up her life though, and your attitude of blaming his depression on her isn't one of someone who understands depression.