To leave my husband because of his depression?

[CeciliaMars]

My husband has been on anti-depressants for as long as I've known him. He copes well with life generally but is just always really... down. Has never had a good day. Always low. Never smiling. On top of this, he has worsening physical issues with his back. This obviously makes him more depressed and sad, and he can't exercise, which he used to love.
He's a great dad to our kids. He's a decent man who has never treated me badly. But I'm feeling so drained by his life. I work full time, sometimes 11 hour days. But when I get home, he's still had a harder day, even when he hasn't worked (he works 2-3 days per week). I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.
I feel like I have 2 choices, as it's clear this situation isn't going to change. Do I accept this is who he is, and plough on, despite feeling like we never have fun together. I'm not sure I love him any more. Or do I break up the whole family and plunge us all into an emotionally and financially fraught situation of my choosing? Any advice would be much appreciated.

What?

What is he doing regarding the depression and back issues?

Swimming is great if you have a bad back and exercise is excellent for depression.

Medication review? I find it strange people say I'm depressed and I'm on medication. If you're depressed on medication, the medication isn't working. See your Dr and change the medication or adjust the medication. Ideally see a psychiatrist.

What's his support system like? Does he have therapy? Support group? Friends?

Does he do any other strategies like journalling or meditation?

Diet? Good nutritious food, vitamins including vitamin D?

Physiotherapy for his back?

Depression is awful but I'd lose patience with living with Eyore for decades.

I think @Mirabai meant that the husband was drip feeding information about his medical condition?

My OH is struggling with a debilitating illness. Can't get out of bed many days. I think the last time we went somewhere together that wasn't the GP was a few months ago. I frequently have to bring dinner upstairs for them.

But I still enjoy spending time with them. I still enjoy talking with them. They still show that they care about me. Even though it's hard the person that I married is still there.

No-one ever said that making a lifelong commitment to another person was always going to be easy, but you put the hard work in for the sake of your love for the other person.

So put aside all the things about how difficult life is, and consider whether the person you fell in love with is still there, if you can find your way back to them, or have one or both you changed so much over the years that the love is gone and there's no getting it back?

People sometimes fall out of love even without health issues, (or domestic abuse or cheating, or some other trigger that makes it easier to justify). Just because people always change, and if a couple don't change together then they can drift apart. And sometimes that ends marriages. So, if you're not in love any more, then whether your DH is depressed, or ill, is neither here nor there. You wouldn't be happy anyway.

So that's what I would work on finding out. Do you still love him? Why did you fall in love with him, and can you still see those things about him? Does he show that he cares about you?

Based on this update since he won't do anything to help himself then yes 100% I would leave him. We have a rule in our house - you moan about it then we come up with a solution. If he won't explore any solutions even just for his drinking or back problem then it's a No from me and I'd be gone. Live your life before it's gone.

Could you live apart together? Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall style.

If family life has made him more depressed maybe you all just need more space as a family. This way, you’d get space from his depression, he’d get space from the daily grind and would probably be a better husband and father for it.

Ahhhh ok. Wouldn't call that a drip feed, more getting someone to marry you under flase pretences.

I think you should lay it on the line how you are feeling? Have you told him?

Tell him you need to see change and that you can’t live like this anymore. Tell him you will be leaving if no improvement.

I bet if you did leave, he would soon do something.

But I still enjoy spending time with them. I still enjoy talking with them. They still show that they care about me. Even though it's hard the person that I married is still there.

That seems to be what’s missing here.

Can you afford to do it alone?
Could you manage if he decides not to ever have the kids?

I think it's reasonable to want to leave. But you should commit to being single until kids leave home because so many men are just horrible and you will need to put the kids first. There is no gaurentee the grass is greener so you shouldn't leave to find a better partner. It's also not fair on the kids or your husband. Leaving to do it alone being prepared to have 50/50 is completely different and that is acceptable in my mind.

As usual you've had some unkind posts @CeciliaMars but please don't let them get to you. Yes, you said in sickness and in health but what makes the difference for me is how much a chronically ill person tries to help themselves and how honest they were with you from the start. If someone knows they have a problem, be it mental or physical, they should be honest, not hiding it to trick someone into marrying them.
Your DH hid his depression and it sounds like he's totally checked out on helping himself, he didn't give therapy a chance to help, he's not hounding his Dr for a change in medication, he doesn't seem to care that he's making life miserable for his wife and his DC.
I'd give him one last chance Op, tell him you're unhappy too and you need him to make a real effort to get better or you'll have to part