To leave my husband because of his depression?

[CeciliaMars]

My husband has been on anti-depressants for as long as I've known him. He copes well with life generally but is just always really... down. Has never had a good day. Always low. Never smiling. On top of this, he has worsening physical issues with his back. This obviously makes him more depressed and sad, and he can't exercise, which he used to love.
He's a great dad to our kids. He's a decent man who has never treated me badly. But I'm feeling so drained by his life. I work full time, sometimes 11 hour days. But when I get home, he's still had a harder day, even when he hasn't worked (he works 2-3 days per week). I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.
I feel like I have 2 choices, as it's clear this situation isn't going to change. Do I accept this is who he is, and plough on, despite feeling like we never have fun together. I'm not sure I love him any more. Or do I break up the whole family and plunge us all into an emotionally and financially fraught situation of my choosing? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I am the main carer for my Dh with dementia. I will always be here for him, but be under no illusion it is tough going. Whilst I would never leave, optimising meds is very important. Dementia and depression are commonly link so anti-depression medication is very important. Similarly talking therapies (in early stages), can also be very useful. Also make sure that you do things for yourself as well. Your health and wellbeing are important and you need to make sure there is time for you.

So did he knowingly have depression before the wedding but only disclosed it to.you after the wedding?

It's not just that though, is it? It sounds like even if you had pots of money, neither of you had to work etc he still wouldn't be someone you could have fun with.

My take on it would be largely driven b his willingness to fully accept that he is ill and take the advice and treatment being offered. I get that being checked out of managing his depression might hinder that, but if he wasn't taking meds, eating the boring health food and taking the mandated walks, I don't think I could support him. There is an element of understanding that he may not always achieve everything every day but sometimes you have to put yourself first.

Edited to add: do you see any path where this gets better?

It is so hard to live wi the someone like this. I've done it for nearly 20 years and find myself not talking muhh ch now at all because whatever I say he responds negatively

OP didn't find out about his depression until after they were married.

Exactly.

What is he doing to help himself? What has he done about his back? How is his weight? His sleep? Has he looked at alternative forms of exercise? He can't just accept his lot and expect you to accept it too, if he doesn't want to try and get better that's his choice but it doesn't have to be yours.

My DH has chronic depression and is on Anti-Ds. It took a lot of cattle prodding but he finally got a therapist (so he isn’t dumping on me) and went to the GP to switch his Anti-Ds because after a few years he needs to switch up it’s like his body gets immune to whatever he is on, and for blood tests & scans about his physical issues (constant really bad back, shoulder, hip, & knee pain). He has a severe Vit D deficiency and rn hoping that the physical issues are down to the deficiency as it could have been some kind of inflammatory auto-immune thing like psoriatic arthritis or rheumatoid arthritis- which came back normal.

See if you can nudge your DH to take ownership of his health. If he can make progress he will feel better.

I took that out.

OP have a talk with him first. Tell him you're thinking of separating because he doesn't seem happy, like ever and maybe a different path in life might make him more satisfied.

Well maybe the DH didn’t either. My DH had had one depressive episode before we married and had recovered and put it behind him. He thought and had been given most common prognosis of good job, in time you can probably wean off Anti-DS like the vast majority of people who get depression.

It wasn’t until he had multiple relapses over a couple decades that he found out & doctors admitted he has chronic depression- Major Depressive Disorder- and it will be a lifetime of keeping it in check, and he will need Anti-Ds until the day he dies.

Which is ok. I need my asthma inhaler every day until I die too. Diabetics need their insulin, it be what it be.

Thank you for all the messages. They're genuinely helpful and thought provoking.
I've spent years suggesting many of the things you have suggested here. He has seen lots of people about his back but it doesn't seem to be fixable. However, he tried counselling once hut never went back. He's never tried giving up alcohol - he says he needs it to get through the evening. He won't try swimming. I've encouraged him till I'm blue in the face to start a hobby, join a group, volunteer for a charity. All to no avail. We tried a few couples counselling sessions - it felt good to get things off my chest but he showed no willingness to change anything.
Financially we would struggle if I went part-time, and I find working food for my well being.
The kids are under 10.

You have been kind, supportive and caring - for 15 years ! Give yourself a break OP, he doesn’t want to get better because at the moment he gets to work part time and he has given himself an excuse for an easier life, while you are the donkey that carries the load.
You are a single parent effectively anyway, so honestly I would leave for a better life- it’s not getting better with him and you seem to know this.

I didn't know about the depression when I married him. He told me after the marriage that he'd always been depressed and on medication in adulthood.
Also I think even if o did know, it's hard to tell how it's going to pan out and affect your life, unless you've lived through it before.

I think its unfair on you that he didn't tell you he has severe depression until after you were married.
If the only issue is his depression and you would stay with him if he could change things, then I would consider one last ditch effort.
Its usually easier for the person who lives with us to see if our mood has slipped., so I'd start by saying that. Tell him you've noticed his mood is low. Ask him to see his GP and try a different type of SD or a higher dose, plus CBT for the way he manages his moods.
If he refuses, then consider your options.

he has to want to change, and doesnt sound like he does. You might have to seperate so he knows you are serious - address his mental and physical health or you are going to save yourself and the kids.

Ahh ok - yeah, I'd not listen to anyone saying "in sickness and in health" as a reason to guilt you into staying.

It's like not declaring a preexisting medical condition but expecting your insurers to pay out when you suffer from it abroad.

I think his unwillingness to exercise, undertake counselling and give up booze tip me into the 'Leave' camp. He isn't doing everything he can to be his best self, and so he is not supporting you.

I have a DS who has severe depression. He works his backside off to be the best person he can be, seeks out help, develops good coping strategies (and yes, that does mean hobbies, activities and social events even when maintaining that is hard!) and stays off substances. Alcohol is a depressant.

Your DH is coasting and letting his illness impact his family more than it has to. Remember that.

Would he be open to trying CBT? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It works wonders for many people (not all people). It’s a way of reframing the way a person thinks, in simple terms. This might help him, so he’s not always down. And you don’t feel the energy being sucked out of your life.

Could you go to couples counselling and let him know how this is affecting you?

OP has said:

'I didn't know about the depression when I married him. He told me after the
marriage that he'd always been depressed and on medication in adulthood.'

Her DH obviously knew but failed to tell her before marriage.

This.

You can only keep faith with a person who won’t help themselves for so long.

The reality from here on is a long slow slide downwards into chronic ill health.

It’s possible that OP leaving may galvanise him into action, he may be too stuck in his groove by now for even that.

That’s a pretty major drip feed.

I don’t think it was intentionally so, she was responding to all the ‘you married him like this’ remarks and it turned out she wasn’t in full possession of the facts. I think even if you knew though, you don’t really ‘know’ until you live with it. You don’t know the effect it is going to have on your children because they don’t exist yet.

Getting married isn’t a life sentence. It means both people committing to it, one person can’t be doing the work of both people.

It’s not easy.

It was in her second post. Hardly a drip feed!

The husband!