To leave my husband because of his depression?

[CeciliaMars]

My husband has been on anti-depressants for as long as I've known him. He copes well with life generally but is just always really... down. Has never had a good day. Always low. Never smiling. On top of this, he has worsening physical issues with his back. This obviously makes him more depressed and sad, and he can't exercise, which he used to love.
He's a great dad to our kids. He's a decent man who has never treated me badly. But I'm feeling so drained by his life. I work full time, sometimes 11 hour days. But when I get home, he's still had a harder day, even when he hasn't worked (he works 2-3 days per week). I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.
I feel like I have 2 choices, as it's clear this situation isn't going to change. Do I accept this is who he is, and plough on, despite feeling like we never have fun together. I'm not sure I love him any more. Or do I break up the whole family and plunge us all into an emotionally and financially fraught situation of my choosing? Any advice would be much appreciated.

She has been in this situation for 15 years and she doesn't love him any more. He hid his depression diagnosis from her until after they were married.

People can end relationships whenever they want. At the moment, both OP and her DH are miserable.

You wouldn't be ending your marriage due to hus depression, you'd be ending it due to your resentment .

Could you work through any issues, perhaps have counselling?

It may be beneficial for dh to have a medication review, he may fare better on other antidepressants.

Same for me. I always comment on depressed husband threads as I went through it and it was awful but we got through it. As pp have said, it's hard to get motivated to try stuff when you're depressed so it's appropriate for you to get involved and help him eg research therapists etc. But he has to be willing to work with you on it- if the willingness isn't there then you're stuck. Try everything- if he's long term depressed he probably had some difficulties in his childhood that need unpacking with an expert psychologist. Definitely experiment with different meds too and as pp have said there is microdosing etc- so many things he could try. I would share with him that you're thinking of leaving to help him take it seriously- I did with my dh and he heard me and got on board. Even now that he's mostly better he still practises his cbt skills like noticing when he's getting grumpy and trying to positively reframe his thoughts- he does it out loud to me so I can help and join in. If you approach it as a team I'm sure he can improve but he has to be willing. You only get one precious life OP and so do your kids- I was really firm with dh as my dad was depressed when I was a kid and it really affected me and I'm not having that for my kids. Good luck OP!

I agree and ‘in sickness and in health’ cuts BOTH ways, it’s not a one way street! The healthy person deserves love too.

I would recommend 2 books to you :
Women who love too much
and
Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Get some therapy and support for yourself.
You don’t have to make any decisions today, this week or even this year. You just need to figure things out. Gather information.
Neither option (staying or leaving) is easy. You need time and support. You also need love, which you will have to give yourself because your husband is unable.

one more thing, those mean one liner posts are just messers. Don’t take it to heart. Take the good stuff from the thread and I just wanted to wish you all the best x

How proactive is dh @CeciliaMars ?
Or how accepting is he of you being involved?
Sending you a hug and a handhold. Please ignore the meaner posts. It's so hard living the way you are now. Xx

And also you are not ‘leaving him because of his depression’ if that was the case you would have left years ago when you found out, but you didn’t leave. You stayed and tried to ‘help’ him.
But it hasn’t worked.
You have run yourself into the ground for him.
Has he helped himself?

I do feel your pain but sometimes we enable this behaviour. IMHO as soon as you say you are leaving them, they find their mojo and turn their life around - often finding someone else using their happy self again. You want to be happy. I prayed for 20 years for my exDH to find happiness but came to the conclusion that people can only change if they want to, or forced to.

How old are the kids?

What about swimming OP? Can he do that? It sounds like he really needs to be exercising for the sake of his mental health and it is really important for his physical health too obviously. What is the cause of the back pain exactly?

The other thing I'd suggest if you decide to stay is doing some things that he can't/won't do without him so you're less affected by his depression. Take the kids on holiday or for a day out without him if he doesn't want to go, Have a couple of evenings a week where you do a hobby with friends or go to the gym.

Also definitely suggest he gets the meds looked at or upped as they don't sound like they're working. Therapy is also worth trying. I'd throw everything at it and give it a year say, if you're both still miserable in a year then decide where you want to go from there.

Have a chat with him with how it's affecting your mental health as well, he will probably be devastated that it is as he wouldn't want you to feel like he does. I imagine he's in a rut and hasn't even noticed how he is being so negative. Make a plan together for him to get a medication review as whatever he is on just now isn't working so it would be good for him to try something else. There's so many different ones and it took me 5 different ones to find one that worked. Therapy would be good for him on his own and even you both together as well? If he loves you he'd be open to try these things. If he isn't willing then that's different and he can't expect you to live feeling so unhappy. X

Ive been married 20 odd years and my husband has had depression cptsd since we got married. Apparently being loved did it for him. It has been really hard ive often tjought to leave but i took my vows seriously i feel guilt for even thinking it.

Leave.

I say that as someone who has had depression/mental health issues for decades.

It must be soul destroying to be with someone who sucks all the joy out of life for you and your kids.

You have given 15 years of your life to him already.

As someone with depression I never take out my moods on other people and I do everything I can to improve my situation (meditation, meds, exercise, hobbies). There is a responsibility on the person with the condition to take all possible action to manage it.

It absolutely was enhanced by breaking up. The negativity moved out with my ex-husband. Our DD was sad for a few weeks / months about the break up and the house move but we got a lovely place just the two of us nearer to my family. My house is filled with joy and laughter and DD is also joyful now. We have fun together (which we never did with him around sucking the positivity out of EVERY SINGLE thing). She seems him EOW (or at least did but he ditched her recently as he is struggling again so now doesn't want to bother seeing her). I was happy for it to be more but it's settled here on both sides.

Before there were 3 miserable people now there is only one... Sounds like a win to me!

The thing that stood out the most to me is the fact you're not sure if you love him anymore. If that's the truth, then yes it's best if you leave, even if it's a really tough thing to do.

I was with someone who wasn’t depressed, but did have a condition that worsened their personal behaviours over time. I tried so hard, tried to support and suggest ways that didn’t wholly change him but at least compromise on how we both could manage. Never stuck for long and once resentment seeps in, it’s game over (whatever words you say at the alter). Lucky for me, I never went down a legal commitment route, so no old misogynistic vows to guilt me into staying. Worked out better for us both - whilst he’s still not the person I’d choose to be with now, he’s making active changes. And whilst I’m not living a grand life, I’m better off mentally and financially. Ultimately, it’s a far better environment for the children, who have two parents living more fulfilling lives rather than one cloud of gloom who’s siphoning the life out of the other.

It sounds like you are getting depressed yourself now which is understable. I think you owe it to your children to look at helping him to get better treatment though. Also couples therapy could help. Ultimately if nothing changes it might be best to leave though.

Surely you can understand that some people can't just hide it, and can't find the motivation to do what they need to do? Depression is not identical for everyone.

OP's DH is a victim of a debilitating illness, and I'm sure he'd very much love to feel better. It's shit for everyone, but it's not his fault. He needs help to help himself.

I'm not saying OP should stay regardless, of course there comes a point where a person can take no more, but I don't think suggesting he's not doing enough (when that is a common symptom of the condition he's suffering from) is fair.

Never mind the for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, hey?
You knew this when you got married to him.

He can still be a great dad half the week. Leave.

Yeah, harsh, but I wouldn't have bothered at first place.

@CeciliaMars if it helps at all - I am ND, I am medicated, I have my challenges with depression and physical things.

BUT, I am a can-do person who wants to be happy, and no one ever has to prod me to do self care, or go to the GP to adjust my medication, or try something new for aches etc.

Many people leave marriages as they have simply grown apart - you can leave for any reason at al. I wouldn’t plough on for the sake of the kids, I’d ask for a fair and amicable split, with both of you staying local and just moving on separately.

The obvious question from me is: can anything be done to help him deal with his back issues? Is this is a degenerative condition that is not fixable and will only get worse and more painful with time, or is it a condition that can be managed or improved with medication and/or physical therapy? Because it seems that this is a big part of the problem - he's depressed because he can't exercise and this is having a horrible impact on his MH, his demeanor and your relationship.

If the answer is 'No', nothing can be done about his back, all avenues have already been explored and options exhausted, then what about his MH? Has he seen his GP? Does he take medication? Has he engaged with therapy? Would he, if not? Does he understand the impact that his low mood has on you and your feelings towards him? Does he understand that you are considering ending the marriage as a result of his low mood and the way it negatively impacts you?

I'm generally not in favour of ditching a good man who is a good father unless all avenues of help have been fully explored. As you recognise yourself, this will blow up your life and your kids' lives. It will be difficult and destructive and it will lead to a level of financial adjustment/hardship, so IMO you need to be sure that pushing the nuclear button is your only option.

@ByHardyAquaFox no she didn’t. She found out AFTER they got married.
So perhaps she should be given a pass given his deception?

Like others have said, he can still be a good father even if not living with you. In fact b- it might make him sort himself out a bit, he’ll need energetic to be managing the kids.

It sounds cruel to say this, so I will preface it by saying that I have mental and physical health struggles myself. I think that a lot of these problems are actually incompatible with having any sort of relationship. I left my partner when my illness struck as I felt it wasn't fair to inflict my problems on others. These days I don't tell work colleagues anything about myself, and I only interact with people socially when I am able to act like a normal person. Yes, it is lonely as hell, but that is just the reality.