To leave my husband because of his depression?

[CeciliaMars]

My husband has been on anti-depressants for as long as I've known him. He copes well with life generally but is just always really... down. Has never had a good day. Always low. Never smiling. On top of this, he has worsening physical issues with his back. This obviously makes him more depressed and sad, and he can't exercise, which he used to love.
He's a great dad to our kids. He's a decent man who has never treated me badly. But I'm feeling so drained by his life. I work full time, sometimes 11 hour days. But when I get home, he's still had a harder day, even when he hasn't worked (he works 2-3 days per week). I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.
I feel like I have 2 choices, as it's clear this situation isn't going to change. Do I accept this is who he is, and plough on, despite feeling like we never have fun together. I'm not sure I love him any more. Or do I break up the whole family and plunge us all into an emotionally and financially fraught situation of my choosing? Any advice would be much appreciated.

So cruel to the OP, ffs.

He didn’t disclose his depression ubtil
agter they were married. And it’s got worse and worse.

I'm shocked by how many people are saying leave without actually trying to fix things but I suppose this is Mumsnet.
Talk to your husband. Go to the doctor with him. Have couples counselling. Help him consider alternative physical exercise that he can manage. Look at the various different therapy options (counselling, NLP, CBT). Discuss hobbies.
Once you've fought as hard as you can to change things, if nothing has worked then yes that's the time to leave, and there should be no guilt on your part. And if he won't engage at all, then that will tell you that he's not interested in fixing things. But fight first because you might end up with a sparky happier man who you do actually love. And because trying to fix things is the right thing to do.
Edited to add: And I'm so sorry you're in this position, OP. But by taking action, you're forcing a change one way or another, so there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Sending a hug.

I worked with a woman once who told me that her mum had stayed with her dad throughout a seven year depression, and that she wished she hadn’t. It was the only personal thing she ever disclosed to me. How do your children feel?

Depression is awful, but if you are depressed and have a young family then doing nothing to try to change or manage it is awful too. I would leave if he didn't care about the impact on you.

If he does care, then you can work on it together, and that's different.

OP ignore all the people blaming you for either marrying him or not blindly staying with him. You matter too.

Living with someone with depression is awful in my experience . There's no joy, no fun, no kindness, affection or support for you, there's indecision, inability to help you bring up dc as they are unable to do basic admin tasks. Often anger or stonewalling towards you. In my experience all the things that make a marriage a marriage had gone.

I think you need some counselling on your own to help you decide. It doesn't sound like things will change for you but you and the dc matter.

My own moment came when ds asked me why his Dad never laughed or joked around like other Dads. I couldn't do it after that.

I think you are starting to check out of your marriage mentally. You need to make a decision but given what’s at stake I think you need to try everything you can first. First of all his anti-depressants don’t sound like they are working. He needs to go back to the GP and discuss this so they can tweak it and discuss any I try we therapies. Then get some more counselling so you can communicate how you are feeling/that change is needed for you to continue in your marriage.
Even if this helps, a part of you will have to just put up with this to a degree. The thing is, when someone has suffered with depression their whole life it becomes impossible to distinguish between what is the depression and what is just their personality. If he’s never been a joyful person he probably just isn’t. It’s just exacerbated by the depression.
If everything fails then you need to think about what your life will look like in the future when your kids have flown the nest. Does this life seem unbearable? What about if you got into poor health yourself and couldn’t distract yourself with hobbies etc. will he be able to pick up the slack when your own mental health is in decline?
How long can you realistically wait to leave? What are the financial implications of staying now vs. Leaving now or later?

If you’d posted about what a selfish man he is, that he doesn’t help with the kids, all the usual MN tropes people would be straight on to the LTB. But what people who haven’t lived with a partner suffering depression don’t always understand is that depression is by its nature a very selfish illness. The person suffering isn’t selfish but the effects of depression are. You need mental and emotional support too, you are human, but when someone is severely depressed and always has been then their mental health always takes priority. No one is caring for the carer.

If his depression is getting to the point where your own mental health is at stake then you do need to think about leaving. Your children need one parent in good mental health.

I would leave him (I did leave mine). He was miserable and grumpy when we lived together and remains grumpy and miserable post divorce. I feel sorry for him but I don't want my life to be like that.

My mum was sick for the last fifteen years of her life and my dad didn’t leave her. It just wasn’t mental health that was the problem. He gave up a lot to look after her and didn’t have a lot of enjoyment either.

In this instance it ultimately comes down to how much of your wedding vows you want to live by. And only the OP can answer that. The sickness but can hit one year, forty years or never in a marriage and the promise isn’t based on guarantees.

Leave. You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

Dfriend is trapped in a similar situation. Her life is a misery. Her DH got far worse in his late 40s, his health now means he barely leaves the house. He’s a misery, and his moods affects everyone - including their now teen children. They too are having depression and anxiety issues and refusing to go to school- basically they are starting to mirror his behaviour.
And friend? She’s working, doing most of the kids stuff, liaising with school, dealing with him, responsible for everything from shopping to cooking g to organising. She’s trying to be ‘cheery’ to counteract his overwhelming negativity.
She was always afraid if she left he’d harm himself and that would be on her somehow, that she’d let the father of her children hurt himself and therefore them.

Leave. He’s not happy and perhaps NOT being in this relationship is the thing that will motivate him to make changes.

Leave, before you are trapped, and before your kids really start to suffer.I do think friend will leave him and it’s just a shame that she didn’t do it years ago and live her life. She’s so exhausted most of the time, I honestly do t know how she does it. If she comes out with us ( rare) or does something for herself ( rare) she’s punished for her absence and freedom by this miserable man with sulking.

Leave.

It's not going to be enhanced by breaking it up. With two parents who support each other when they can it surely has to be better than making life harder and more miserable for the pair of you. It also tells your kids that they must never become unwell or vulnerable, which they will learn if you abandon your partner.

… bullshit. Sorry but that really is. And it doesn’t sound like he’s contributing in the way of ‘supporting if any kind.

That sounds really difficult.

Does your h know how you're feeling?

Can you talk openly to him about how you feel and what you're thinking?

Is your h doing everything he can to manage and treat his depression and back?

Your family finances are going to get a hit with divorce and two separate households. Would you consider going part-time first and see if things improve?

How is your husband about helping himself? Does he get his medication reviewed as and when it’s necessary? Would a higher dosage/different medication help? Therapy? Couples counselling? You say he used to exercise a lot and it made him happy which is great, it shows there’s something non medicinal that helped him, he can find something to help again.

I have had depression since I was a child and I see it as my responsibility to know myself- when I’m just having a bad week or when I need to see a doctor. That’s key here I think. If your husband is willing and able to make changes to improve things then imo the relationship is worth saving. If he isn’t willing to deal with things then there’s not much you can do.

Maybe they didn’t say ‘sickness and health’ ‘love and obey’ - we didn’t.
Give her a break. Why are women always expected to sacrifice everything for the family. Men sure as hell aren’t.
Why is she expected to take him to the doctor, explore all that?
Perhaps couples counselling might help, but I doubt it. I can’t imagine he would go. Both parties have to be willing.

Its not a popular thing to say, but the fact is, some people are very comfortable in their depression, it means they don't have to work as much, aren't expected to pull their weight, sleeping in on demand, their family revolves around them, always trying to please them etc, much easier than facing your shit and dealing with it like a responsible parent and partner. If he had tried everything, I'd have more empathy for him, as I've been there, but it seems to me like he hasn't, and is content to make it everyone else's problem.

What would the response be if ops husband said he wants to leave because she has depression.

Just because someone is divorcing does not mean they should be unsupportive to each other. Staying is teaching the kids that they don't matter because the whole household has to dance to the tune of the one person who is unwell and unwilling to help themselves. It teaches the kids to abandon their own happiness for the sake of someone else. It teaches them to walk on eggshells for the fear of upsetting someone they love who has no capacity to care for them or love them back. Is that really what we want to teach our children. How do you think it might impact on their future relationships?

As far as people citing vows from 1500s... the partners vow to cherish and love each other "in sickness and in health". It's not just one partner who is supposed to be loving and supportive. It very much means that even if I am sick, I am still supposed to be loving and caring to my spouse and not just leave it up to them to do all the loving and caring.

This is my Dfriends husband in a nutshell. He revels in it. Although I know that too is part of his depression. It makes him feel important.

I think people are losing sight of one aspect of depression, it does suck all the drive out of a person, so when people are saying he should be doing more to help himself, a symptom of his illness is finding that incredibly difficult.

OP if you love him and feel like he's worth the effort then get all the help, perhaps encourage him to change his medication - what's he taking now? Sometimes people sit on the wrong meds because they're slightly better, there are options which might give him his spark back. I found Sertraline keeps me being myself rather than a zombie like I was in Citalopram. He has options.

Take walks together, try mindfulness classes, these things help and if you haven't already tried them give them a go.

He's suffering. I know you don't have to stay with him, but if there's a chance you can get your husband back then work for it.

I do understand, I have a DH with a medical condition that impacts on my life too.

Have you actually told him that his daily attitude is having such a negative effect on you?

It's not unreasonable to want to end a relationship if it's not working, but I think it's unfair not to give the other person the opportunity to rectify things if they can.

He may genuinely not realise how negative he is being and how this is affecting you.

If you have been down this road with him already and nothing has changed, then it probably never will. But if you haven't voiced your feelings, how does he know?

Living with my DH can be draining at times, but he is aware of this, and is also very keen for me to have time for myself, go away with friends etc. It works because we are on the same page.

How much is he helping himself?

For example, with his bad back if he's seeing a physiotherapist or similar, is he doing the at-home exercises they prescribe to enhance movement and relieve pain?

For his depression, has he given up alcohol, reduced sugar and caffeine intake? Does he eat healthily, reduced screen-time and ensure 8 hours sleep a night?

He knows exercise helps him and his mood, so does he ensure that he at least takes a gentle walk each day, getting exercise and vitamin D?

Or does he just sit at home and moan?

A big factor for me in dh's depression was how much he was willing to help himself or let me help him. Or even admit there's a problem.

Under the same circumstances EXACTLY the same. In fact it could be a man posting but changing gender for a ‘fairer’ view as MN can be hard on men sometimes in relationship
stuff.
exactly the same. I once shared a flat with someone with depression/ mood swings and I remember the dread of putting the key in the door not knowing which version we were going to get. Friendly, Angry, dismissive, self-pitying, hectoring etc etc
Such a relief when they moved on eventually

I wouldn’t leave him in this scenario without trying to help support him to get better. Has he explored therapy, counselling, alternative medication? Sometimes a change in medication is key.