Father in Law 80+ naughty boy

[WhatDidIjustHearr]

This is not really an AIBU but felt like a good place to post.

Staying at my in laws at the moment with the kids. Mother in law and DH went out and I’m working from home. Father in law is also at home.

I’m upstairs and he is in study downstairs. Suddenly I hear a woman’s voice - it sounds like she is in distress or sort of semi screaming in pain. Well the first few seconds I thought that’s what I was hearing as thought he must be watching some crime / drama or something… but he was clearly watching porn.

I think he is rather deaf, it was rather loud. He did turn it down a bit but the change of volume was like someone who is screaming is now just shouting.

I don’t judge anyone for watching porn but I actually had a physical reaction to that and feel somewhat sick.

He, I assume, clearly didn’t think I can hear it. Or did he forget I was here?

I had an elderly neighbour who used to do that almost the whole day at full volume and the whole neighbourhood could hear. As soon as his wife left the house he’d have the porn blaring at full volume!

Your response is a perfect example of why it's impossible to have a discussion about pornography. You are starting from the assumotion that "mainstream" (whatever that even means) pornography isn't harmful. I think it is, but according to you that's ridiculously over the top.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead first of all. That’s a horrible thing.

@soupfiend what makes you (and all the other posters that speculate about that) think I don’t know for sure it was porn - I said in my post it was porn.

Staying with your post though. Watching a nice film and then an unexpected sex scene comes on. So why didn’t I hear loud TV, or any TV at all, pre the sex scene and post the sex scene? Aside from the fact that I think pretty much everyone can tell if something is potentially just a sex scene on TV vs this is guaranteed 100% rather violent porn. Or are you telling me you wouldn’t be capable of distinguishing between the two by just using your hearing?

'Go and check it out"? Are you serious!? I would not be going near or by! 😂

Not at all, you can disagree with it and not be ridiculously over the top. For example, ‘I don’t agree with the porn industry and I think it’s damaging’ v ‘the man is a sex offender, needs to be kept away from your kids, he’s doing it on purpose, he’s forcing you to participate in his sexual activities against your will.’

Likewise ‘well it’s embarrassing but ultimately he’s an adult and can make his own decisions, there’s nothing illegal about it’ v ‘it’s his right to watch porn wherever he wants, as loud as he wants, even with other people there, if they don’t want to do that it means they’re uptight’.

Bit grim , but watching porn doesn't t mean he's a danger to the grandchildren.

According to some on this thread that's perfectly normal behaviour.

According to some on this thread that's perfectly normal behaviour Some of my neighbours used to laugh about it as if it was normal/not totally gross to. My daughter was young then and you could hear it clearly in our flat and I used to have to talk her out or turn our tv way up. We live in Spain, so you can imagine how it was in the summer when everyone has to have their windows open!! Watching it in private, while alone, at a volume that no one in the vicinity can hear is up to the individual. Doing it the way my neighbour did, or in the OP's situation where other people are in the house, is seriously gross and weird imo.

OK...you're cool with people playing porn very loudly while you are around. Good for you! Fantastic.

This court is too strict for me.
Makes the Traitors look like the Wombles.
OP could have removed herself from the situation, left the house, put in headphones.
People are not always aware of what can be heard and what can't.
The 'naughty boy' did not flop it out during the serving of the turkey.
She, as far as I am aware, is still at the in laws - not suffering from PTSD, hiding under the bed etc.
She must have seen DH, MIL and the 'naughty boy' and not said anything.
So, forget it or tell. Surely they are the two options, rather than a continued appeal to the gallery of netmums,

I would be concerned if he knew you were at home.
Tell your husband and tell him to talk to his dad and tell him to stop it if you’re home. I’d also get a lock on your bedroom door.

It won't 'die out' any more than 'prostitution' has done and that has existed since 'Moses were a lad' or even longer!!! 🙄
People who think that if we could only convince 'once and for all' how 'bad' something is all those with an absolute compulsion or addiction to whatever that happens to be will suddenly stop doing it and we'll all live happily ever after are sadly naive and delusional.
Human nature is what it is, warts and all, there will always be a negative to every positive but even that is subjective from person to person!😥

'According to some on this thread that's perfectly normal behaviour.'

The problem is that 'normal' is subjective and to many people it would be considered perfectly acceptable and in fact preferable and perfectly innocent!! 🙄
The general lack of appreciating and fully understanding the saying that 'one man's meat' etc etc can easily lead to hysteria and accusations that are usually or often not appropriate or correct...😱
Jumping to conclusions by calling FIL a 'nonce' and suggesting that the DC should not be left alone with him is, without evidence to corroborate this, unfair, slightly ridiculous and frankly unnecessary!!
This surely could and should have been dealt with calmly and maturely by the OP, her DH and the rest of the family without all the drama and over reacting? 🙁

Id be utterly grossed out if I was you too. Also I’d be appalled to think he might have known you were still there. No wonder you’re so shaken up. The whole situation is absolutely ick!! You should tell your partner definitely. Just for your own sanity. I wouldn’t mention thinking he might have known you were home tho. That’s a thought for your Dh to come up with himself if at all. He knows his dad better than anyone probably. Hope it never ever happens again Op. Hope you get some peace of mind back soon too.

@Cariadm

I have trouble believing that people would be ok with listening to somebody else's loud pornography involving women screaming let alone ^prefer it.
^
But I did enjoy the irony of a mini lecture about people being different and things being subjective followed by the use of the words "ridiculous" and "overreacting" to describe people being different to you.

You obviously have little idea of what my comments meant or what I was actually saying so here goes, I will try to put it in plainer English... 'prefer' was a word used in conjunction with the fact that many many people like, use and enjoy watching porn (not one of them btw!) and was nothing to do with overhearing whatever it was FIL was listening to. 🙄
Strange that you perceive my post as a 'mini lecture' when it was simply an opinion and theory following on from the debate...I think if you were to re read what I referred to as 'ridiculous' and 'overreacting' you might realise it had absolutely no connection or relevance to people being 'different to me' but that conclusions or assumptions shouldn't be jumped to without evidence or at least inquiry perhaps?! 🙁
I find it sad that someone can be annoyed about something or somebody but as they have completely misunderstood the nuance their emotions are completely wasted! 😦

That's true but the opinions of people who think that what happened to OP was upsetting and a bit grim and that FIL should have ensured that his DIL wouldn't be aware of his porn watching shouldn't just be dismissed with the accusation of 'pearl clutching'.

Women can object to the making and use of pornography on ethical grounds, not because they are uptight and prudish. Many women argue that it is an industry which exploits women and is complicit in violence against women and girls both in its production and consumption.

Porn has been around as long as humans have been around. It wont die out.

That's a very weak argument. The nature of pornography which exists since the invention of the internet bears no relation to what existed before.

@Cariadm I think you may be one of many on this thread who are so keen to be The Defenders Of The Porn that you have entirely missed the point.

For brevity I have screenshot rather than quoted, but here is @LaDamaDeElche's post, and my reply that you responded to.

I think you are definitely another one on this thread who either hasn't read my posts properly or not fully understood them and for this reason it is you that has 'entirely missed the point'.🙄
If you can be bothered to re read my post you will note that I stated that in reference to being a 'fan' of porn I wrote (not one of them btw!) and I will add to this that I find the whole notion of it utterly repulsive, distasteful and sleazy BUT I am fully aware that many others do not agree with my opinions and feelings and I respect their wishes and preferences.
All those here naively hoping and imagining that 'the nasty thing will one day go away'...it won't!!! 😞

The issue under discussion is someone playing pornography that sounds like women screaming loud enough so that other people can hear it @Cariadm.

Other than stating the obvious and, for no apparent reason repeating information that we already know, WHY do you even bother to respond if you're not prepared to debate or discuss what a poster has actually taken the time and trouble to say to you?! 🙄
Carry on shouting into the void, I'm done! 😡

Are you sure he was watching porn. Screaming doesn't necessarily mean porn - it could be anything.

Because I'm having this discussion @Cariadm on this topic.

All those here naively hoping and imagining that 'the nasty thing will one day go away'...it won't!!!

How patronising and insulting. Pornography is a lot more than a "nasty thing"

I very much doubt that any one on here is "naively hoping and imagining that it will go away" . That doesn't mean posters who consider pornography is degrading, abusive and its existence continues to contribute to women being treated as second class , disposable human beings should just shut up about it.