Father in Law 80+ naughty boy

[WhatDidIjustHearr]

This is not really an AIBU but felt like a good place to post.

Staying at my in laws at the moment with the kids. Mother in law and DH went out and I’m working from home. Father in law is also at home.

I’m upstairs and he is in study downstairs. Suddenly I hear a woman’s voice - it sounds like she is in distress or sort of semi screaming in pain. Well the first few seconds I thought that’s what I was hearing as thought he must be watching some crime / drama or something… but he was clearly watching porn.

I think he is rather deaf, it was rather loud. He did turn it down a bit but the change of volume was like someone who is screaming is now just shouting.

I don’t judge anyone for watching porn but I actually had a physical reaction to that and feel somewhat sick.

He, I assume, clearly didn’t think I can hear it. Or did he forget I was here?

Ok... in sight of family members and not in private.

To quote OP "I’m upstairs and he is in study downstairs."
How is that in sight? He's on another floor.
Sorry if that does not help with the clutching of pearls.

And what that would achieve unless your husband is christian who himself is against porn and wants to mentor his own father against porn.

so do people go that far that they mean the fil did it, so his dil opens the door of the study quietly semi-naked. You guys are batshit ....of course. This is mumsnet, the place to have a laugh also

Op has said that there are other changes in his behaviour so it could be a possibility.

That's always the insult the cheer leaders and apologists for porn resort to - "pearl clutchers".

Yes I know I called them "cool girls" which is just as bad but it's pathetic that anyone who expresses concern about the insidious creep of porn into the mainstream via the internet and the damage it causes is always written off as a "pearl clutcher".

Sorry to be less than original.

Porn has been around as long as humans have been around. It wont die out.

Its not realistic or even representative of understanding humans to think that.

Sex sells

Always has

Always will

Where were the kids?

Thats not what this thread is about though is it

For one OP doesnt know it was porn

For two she doesnt know if he knew there was anyone in the house

Three she doesnt know if he realised how loud his TV was

Therefore the hyperbole about this is not representative of what happened

Someone up thread used the term 'unwanted sexual exposure'. This is so far removed from that it insults those who really are victims of sexual inappropriateness.
Im often watching what I think is a nice film and on comes a sex scene which Im either not expecting or dont want to watch, Im not left shaking and worried or thinking myself a victim of unwanted sexual exposure. This is comparable to that.

You can't believe a basic social norm?

I watch it myself but of course would make sure that no one else hears, like almost everyone else does.

Are you the FIL? 🤣🤣🤣

Your experience of watching a film with an unexpected sex scene is nothing like OP's experience. You could just turn the film off. OP wasn't sure whether her FIL was watching a porn movie at high volume because he wanted her to hear what he was doing, or whether he just didn't realise that she could hear. A film with a sex scene is also very different from porn.

It was me, and I have been a victim of sexual inappropriateness.

My ex-stepdad did exactly this and used the excuse he didn't know any one could hear. To me that quite frankly was bollocks, but you could say it's the same as he had hearing loss and was just a man in his own home who didn't feel like he should have to wear headphones because this was his house and he can do what he wants.

I developed ptsd from it and I would get visceral bodily responses like shaking and trembling when sex scenes came up on the tv on programmes when I wasn't expecting it for a long time after he had been sent on his merry way as it gave me flashbacks to times where I felt unsafe and not considered.

The OP probably knows better than us if it was porn, given the nature of the noises and the fact she said FIL would usually know if the volume of something is too loud for others. Exaggerated sexual noises aren't really comparable to screams from pranks or rollercoaster rides and I would not expect any woman left in a house with a man, who was having a fear based response to march in and get visual confirmation for herself that it is indeed porn that she can hear nor would I ever think any woman having such a response should not trust her gut about a situation.

It's not at all comparable to being in control of the tv remote and accidentally happening upon something but being able to escape or change a situation as she did not have any control over her environment at that present moment.

It’s not ‘anyone who expresses concern…’ etc, it’s people who go ridiculously over the top with their response to a pretty mainstream thing or just make up stuff to make it seem like the man is a sex offender but if someone challenges that they’re called an apologist or ‘cool girl’.

Man watches porn. And?
get a life, people

I too would be deeply uncomfortable. I had an awful experience with my FIL at Christmas one year when he decided to flick backwards and forwards between porn channels on the TV in the lounge in front of the entire family including his elderly mother. He was drunk.

I was horrified as it triggered my PTSD relating to a previous abusive relationship . I found it very difficult to visit with them for months after.

Fortunately, it was a one off and I recovered.

As others have advised, let him know how loud his speakers are and be loud yourself to be sure he knows you are there.

Hopefully it won't happen again but definitely, let your husband know so that he can support you and have a word with FIL if need be.

I really hope, for your sake, that it doesn't happen again.

I feel a bit sorry for the neighbours of people who think broadcasting pornography loudly enough that other people can hear it is perfectly normal behaviour.

As I mentioned upthread, a friend's exH lost unsupervised access to his kids when his neighbours rang the police because of what they and their kids could hear coming from his house (his kids and a visiting child could hear it too.)

Exactly.

How many threads have there been about being able to hear neighbours go at it and how distressing or uncomfortable it is especially if those OPs have children?

Where are the responses on those threads saying "how do you know for sure that they're having sex?" And meeting the OP with nothing but speculation. There aren't really many (any, that I've come across) because it's pretty obvious what sexual noises are.

I know. WTF? weird post!

Nothing wrong here, he just wanted to knock one out and sadly you were in the premises. Sometimes I just make it through the door, needs must and he's not hurting anyone.

But the OP wasn’t “there”!

She just heard what she thinks is porn…

So anyway- what have you decided to do about it @WhatDidIjustHearr ?

She was still better placed to ascertain what was going on than some people off the Internet that werent there!