I’m scared of using new/nice things

[thecherryfox]

Ok, the title sounds a little strange but I have anxiety over using nice things. I guess it stems from not having much money and if it breaks, I can’t afford a replacement. But it’s like I buy new clothes and I always think ‘I can’t wear that, I’ll save it for best’ and years later I never have an occasion to wear it and it just sits there unworn going to waste. I end up wearing ‘crap’ clothes whilst my good clothes sit untouched because I’m scared to wear it. This also applies to household items too, I have a food flask in the cupboard that I’m too scared to use incase I ruin it, so I keep that for best whilst I put leftover food in bowls with clingfilm or tatty plastic pots.

Does anyone else relate? Please share your stories so I don’t feel alone or crazy

This is why I don't bother buying anything nice or new. What's the old saying? "Your possessions shouldn't own you" or something like that. The whole concept of "nice" is capitalist, consumerism nonsense.

(I do spend money on things that actually make my life better/easier! But I don't bother spending a lot of money on things that just make me anxious)

100% I can relate, I leave labels and protective film on things , I never ate my Easter eggs as a child because I didn't want to spoil the packaging. I'm in my 60's and my mum still has my untouched Sindy doll in my old bedroom. I do wear new clothes though but I take care of them.

I think my partner does that. He has gorgeous quality clothes in the wardrobe and dresses like a hobo. Literally his toes will be coming through socks, jeans sagging and fraying, t shirts almost sheer they're so worn. It's deep seated! Can you challenge yourself to start with the flask? One small change can help, rather than thinking you must transform all your habits.

I used to save things for best until I found a couple of amazing pairs of shoes and jackets in my wardrobe had basically disintegrated (faux leather but still really really nice) and I was gutted.

I had a similar experience with make-up in that it just went off when I eventually opened it.

I think the key is knowing that it always be replaced, even expensive stuff. Most of us aren't buying stuff that can't be replaced in 6 months time by putting away a pound or two a week. And you're making do without it anyway by not opening it.

Maybe you're enjoying the delayed gratification?

Life is better if you use the stuff!
Your house is less cluttered as well!

I buy fabric to make clothes- I have a cupboard full of nice stuff that I can’t bring myself to cut into. So I walk round in clothes made from still £2 a yard poly cotton.

Yeah I do this, but I’m making an effort to stop.

for example I never used to decorate for Christmas because I’m mid 20s and live alone, so didn’t see the point as only I would see it? I felt it was more a family thing for the future. So I had decorations etc that I just kept in storage.

I wouldn’t bother buying pyjamas or dressing gowns cause I could just chuck on something else and save the money.

Little things like that, it was like I was always happy to delay gratification

But I decorated for Christmas recently and bought loads of PJs and cosy things and I’m so much happier for it. I think experiencing nice things is part of self care.

I went through a phase like this. Mine was stress related OCD due to a traumatic incident. I don't usually suffer from OCD, but did during this point and it was horrible. It started when the buttons on a new blouse messed up after wearing it for an hour.

I had to really force myself out of it. It creeps back in even now, and I imagine things. I got a locket at Christmas and my DS pressed it. I convinced myself the gap between each side was new and it was broken. Had to contact the person who made the locket before I could happily wear it again - he reassured me that all of them were the same as they were handmade. I'd probably just not noticed before as I wasn't looking for an issue. It's nonsensical in some ways, and I absolutely hate it.

Start small, as a pp said. Don't let it ruin nice things for you, even if you have to really push through. I bloody love that locket. I've had to tell myself that things age, break, and don't stay perfect - but that's okay. It's part of their story. Which is fucking twee, I know, but it does help a bit.

I am like this and I believe it is as a result of being brought up to feel less than. I don't know what, if anything, to actually do about it. If I bought new shoes today I would get unpleasant remarks if I wore them.

What was your upbringing like? How is your self esteem?

It probably is. My parents were like this too, they never saw the point in having nicer things. Literally everything from clothes to food would be value brands. I don’t know why because they were higher earners and have multiple properties etc but I think part of them felt children or the household wasn’t worth the expense

I think a lot of people do this. I saw something on Oprah years and years ago advising to actually use your 'nice' things. My parents had nice plates in the cupboard for decades while we ate off chipped, discoloured ones.

My solution is not to spend do much that it'll really upset me if the item gets spoiled or ruined. That way I feel confident just going ahead and using things in the knowledge I can replace it if needed.

@Evaka is right, rather than trying to change deep seated patterns of behaviour (most likely inherited from parents and grandparents) make one small change at a time. So use the flask a couple of times, get comfortable with it and then throw out the tatty plastic pots and clingfilm - both of which are bad for your health. Do the same with clothes; wear one new thing, throw one old thing out.

It's worth using the nice stuff as well to role model the normality of using nice stuff for kids.

No point buying new stuff if you aren't going to use it. If you are given something new, either use it or pass it on to someone who will. Otherwise it is a waste of money and just clutter.

I'm like this with clothes. I bought myself some nice new (and quite expensive) jumpers, shoes and trousers recently but I'm still wearing my old stuff. With me it's partly sensory. I prefer the feel of well worn clothing and new things just don't feel "right", but there is also the fear of spoiling them.

I used to be the same and keep things for best but a couple of years ago I had to clear my Godmothers house when she died and found a canteen of cutlery with a presentation plate from her fathers workplace dated 1932- every piece was still wrapped in the tissue it was bought in, never used. Her parents had kept it for best, she had kept it for best and in 90 years it had never been used. Now I light my nice candles and use the expensive shower gels that I'm given- 'best' may never happen and tomorrow never comes.

This is timely! It's actually my sort of New Year's resolution to stop doing this as I have realised it is a real problem for me.

Check out this old thread, I found it very thought provoking and helpful:

How to stop saving things for 'best' www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3901094-how-to-stop-saving-things-for-best

I'm guessing that, like any sort of avoidance, it's about challenging yourself to do it until you don't have to think about it anymore. You make yourself wear the nice top, use the fancy shower gel etc and realise that not only has the sky not fallen in, but you feel better for it.

Another good piece of advice I read on here about is about clothes specifically. Wear new clothes within 2 weeks of buying. It 'breaks them in' and gets rid of the 'saving for best' mental block. If you don't, ask yourself why you haven't. Is it just the fear of using your nice things, or is the garment actually uncomfortable or unsuited to your lifestyle?

I'm exactly the same.

My MIL bought me a little bottle of Jo Malone bath oil and it's been sat in my bathroom for 7 months!

I don't know why I can't use it.

I'm the same with food.

It's strange because I have no qualms spending on others and making sure they have lovely things.

I grew up poor and hungry a lot of the time, so In the back of my mind, I feel like I'll be really poor again one day, so no point in using or eating nice things.

Yes, my DM is like this - the product of a very austere childhood. I've trained myself not to do the same, and find Nora Ephron's ' Always use the good bath oil' quote helpful; life is short, and it's only 'stuff', so use it and enjoy it while you can.

I have this at the moment - I need a trouser suit for some events coming up but know that if I buy something too nice I will keep it like some pristine relic.
I'm thinking of getting something very comfortable/oversized and then wearing it in day to day life to break this habit.

Everything deteriorates, even things we keep safely packaged, preciously wrapped and stored. Accidents happen, and things get damaged, how disappointing to have never given these things the chance to be admired, used, and wondered at even for a single day/outing.

Expensive make up, toiletries and perfume goes off and smells different/changes colour.

Clothes/bedding/nice towels get moth eaten and fade.

Nice crockery looks dated and our children never get the chance to say "I remember my mum had a teapot like that!" because it never comes out of the dresser.

All of our precious items will just become clutter for someone to pick over, sort out and dispose of when we are long gone. They won't know the thought, care and expense that went into its purchase, but you know it's value. If the item gives you 1 hour or 10 years of pleasure and sparks joy when you use it, then you should absolutely use it, wear it, enjoy it.

Everything is ephemeral, (even us) in the grand scheme of things.

Thought I was alone in feeling like this- result of poverty in childhood, I think. I kept a new dress for best, as a child, and grew too big to wear it!

This is lovely. I'm going to save this, if you don't mind, for those moments when those nasty intrusive thoughts decide to wreak havoc! Beautifully put.

I don't know why I can't use it.

I do - it's because

I grew up poor and hungry a lot of the time, so In the back of my mind, I feel like I'll be really poor again one day, so no point in using or eating nice things.

Because your belief (that you'll be poor again) only applies to you it doesn't hinder you buying lovely things for others.

I was coming to say the same.

When we cleared our my in-laws place we found so much stuff unused. Some were wedding presents! Glasses, china, cutlery. A lot of it we passed to charity shops, but it did make me think about my stuff.

We kept their "best" china, but only on the proviso I could use it.

I can kind of see why previous generations did take so much care, there was less disposable income and less opportunity to buy.

But the reality is I would rather use stuff and enjoy it, and if it gets broken along the way then so be it, rather than it sits in a cupboard until after I die and a complete stranger gets the benefit at a knock down price!

I used to until I read this poem:

If I Had My Life To Live Over
by Erma Bombeck

The following was written by the late Erma Bombeck
after she found out she had a fatal disease.

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more. I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television – and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more “I love you’s”… More “I’m sorrys” …

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute … look at it and really see it … live it … and never give it back.

Oh, my … There it was. The “pink candle sculpted like a rose” that I’ve had “forever” — and never burned. I don’t even know where I got it; it was most likely in an auction box from the estate of someone else who never burned it! I do know that while I’ve had it I’ve lived in at least three different residences in two states. And never burned it …
It was time for that to change! Right then, I pulled out a favorite doily and placed it on my dining table.