I’m scared of using new/nice things

[thecherryfox]

Ok, the title sounds a little strange but I have anxiety over using nice things. I guess it stems from not having much money and if it breaks, I can’t afford a replacement. But it’s like I buy new clothes and I always think ‘I can’t wear that, I’ll save it for best’ and years later I never have an occasion to wear it and it just sits there unworn going to waste. I end up wearing ‘crap’ clothes whilst my good clothes sit untouched because I’m scared to wear it. This also applies to household items too, I have a food flask in the cupboard that I’m too scared to use incase I ruin it, so I keep that for best whilst I put leftover food in bowls with clingfilm or tatty plastic pots.

Does anyone else relate? Please share your stories so I don’t feel alone or crazy

My parents were like that, dressed in shabby clothes while the good ones were in plastic covers in the cupboard. Slept in worn out sheets, furniture covered up to protect it from dust and sunlight, or the curtains kept shut to "keep the light out".

We now use the once hallowed silver cutlery for everyday meals, sleep on fabulous linen sheets which were given as wedding presents in the 50s but never used. If I am given, for example, lovely bubble bath I will use it. Life is too short to hoard nice things.

My mum died having lived her whole life like this. The expensive china, cutlery, crystal stemware - never used. Nice make up, toiletries, clothes - all in drawers never used.

She wore knitwear until it disintegrated, mended slippers and darned socks. She used ancient, often broken, cookware. Even her umbrellas and handbags were mended.

it made me sad. All that lovely stuff she didn’t enjoy. She died in the first lockdown too, so much of it had to be dumped.

This was me for most of my life. I think it was due to not having much money growing up and through life in general. I also felt like I didn’t deserve nice things due to toxic parents putting me down. It’s only been in the last year or so (I’m 49) that I’ve started to loosen up. I would keep anything nice, clothes, makeup, perfumes basically anything was for a nice or better occasion. I’m a SAHM so the thought of putting a nice top on to do the school run just didn’t compute.

I don’t know when the switch flicked, I think it was when I found myself getting rid of things that I never used but would have loved to have.

Today I did the school run in my nice black top, my new arran scarf and hat and my lovely Givenchy perfume. I was out of the house an hour and half max, but I felt nice, every day now is a reason to treat myself to something nice.

I hope you find a way to start enjoying nice things everyday.

Agree! It's just stuff and its value lies in what it does for you. It will not bring you joy sitting in a cupboard. And actually some of it will go off, be that expiring, going out of style your tastes changing etc. Instead of telling yourself you are being good keeping it, say you are being good using it. By all means don't use your favourite plate every day if mixing it up means you appreciate it more but use it! And it it breaks you got your years out of it, more years than if it sat in a cupboard doing nothing. I try to make a conscious effort to use things and tell myself 'this is why I bought it'.

And that flask? What's the worst that can happen? You use it so much it wears out? Great. It was clearly useful in your life so you can buy a replacement. Or put it on your Christmas list.

When someone gifts me something nice I put myself in the mindset that they gave me it to treat myself and would be disappointed to think it sat there rotting because I kept it “for good”. If I buy something nice I think about how long I worked to earn the money to buy it, only for it to sit doing nothing.

My exDH bought me a lovely pair of leather gloves for Christmas which I’ve worn every time I leave the house - even if I’m just walking the dog. They’re really nice, and were a thoughtful gift (he remembered me saying I’d lost a pair. It would be hurtful to him not to wear them.

My house isn’t a museum, things are there to be used and if they get lost or broken then such is life. They could get broken anyway, and I wouldn’t have had the pleasure of using them.

Yes I can relate to this. Bought nice Skechers shoes 3 months ago and kept putting off wearing them. Now I am wearing them ....but there is a lingering feeling that they are 'too good for me'. I'm sure it's about low self esteem ...I'm 67 and still think of myself as 'less than'. (How stupid!)

Life is short, wear your nice clothes and use your nice things. It will impact positively on your self esteem too. At the risk of sounding like a L'Oréal advert, you're worth it.

I'm the opposite, if I don't use something I've bought, I feel overwhelming guilt. I can't bear the thought of anything going to waste.

I used to be a bit like this (I blame a Presbyterian upbringing), but on turning 40, decided life was short and fuck it.

I wear a £3.5k watch every day, because I love it. I turn the Friday night Chinese takeaway out onto the 'good' plates. I've got an open fire burning at 6.45pm on a school night (but in my defence it IS cold). I buy cashmere socks and wear them to WfH, because they're cosy and soft.

As we say up my way, 'there's no pockets in a shroud'.

I used to be like that, what changed me was realising that a lot of my nice clothes that I was saving for best I actually didn't like any more after a few years (or they were completely out of style), and I'd never got to wear them. That's a much worse waste of money than wearing the thing and loving it, and one day wearing it out/ruining it. Everything has a shelf life-enjoying it as soon as you buy it makes you get the most value out of it. You need to think what's the worst that can happen, I wear my expensive coat a few times and spill something on it? Most likely won't be ruined, and at least I'll have enjoyed it rather than it sitting in a cupboard.

Also when you save something for best, when is that? When does this 'best' occasion arise? Chances are you'll want to buy something new for then anyway as the thing you're saving will be old in your mind even if you've never worn it.

As for nice household things, use the lovely candles/ duvet cover/ cutlery now because you'll love it, why should we not have a bit of luxury every day? Today can be 'best' if you're using the nice stuff! Put a bit of 'best' into your daily life, it'll be fun :)

On a related note, whenever I was planning to lose a bit of weight I'd wear my old baggy clothes until I'd achieved it, waited to get a nice haircut etc. because I didn't want to 'waste' the nice clothes and hair on a sub-standard me. But then I realised I actually found it easier to reach the goals if I was making an effort to look decent- a kind of fake it till you make it approach, rather than slum it till you make it, which doesn't motivate you. I guess in both cases it's a matter of using all available resources to look/feel good, rather than shelving them for later.

Just my two pennies' worth! I hope you start enjoying your lovely things.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach that really struck a cord with me. Thank you for sharing.

I’m terrible for not using nice things but am trying to get better at it. I was bought some expensive hand soap and hand cream for Xmas 2023 and I’ve just forced myself to open it and start using it. I’ve also started using my nice wine glasses that I was keeping for best, but, even though we entertain a lot, “best” never arrived.

DH bought me some boots for Xmas which I wore for the first time today, just to go to the supermarket. In the past, I’d have been telling myself to save them for a better occasion (even though they are casual boots), then it summer would have around so it would have been too warm to wear them, so it would end up being the following autumn before I wore them. It’s so silly but I find it so difficult!

My theory regarding this is that for some it stems from not having much growing up or their primary caregivers attitude of not having much when growing up and then inadvertently passing it down.

I definitely used to do this and even now I have moments of not wanting to wear or use something.

Definitely. I do this too. My father was a gambler and we had very little money in the family when I was growing up.

I still use the back of post office till receipts rather than 'break into' my nice notepads that I've been given. I have so many notepads, so many perfumes, so many slippers, so many, so many - and it's really sad.

I feel so badly for all of us that feel we can't use our lovely things; maybe 2025 is the year that I start?

Nice crockery looks dated and our children never get the chance to say "I remember my mum had a teapot like that!" because it never comes out of the dresser.

That really resonates. There are 4 of us and not one of us wanted the Vallauris crockery that had sat unused in a dresser since the 1950s. It was dated and held no memories for us. We kept about one thing each. They were all things we remembered our mum using. Her trifle bowl, her rolling pin, a tiny bud vase - things like that.

My husband and I got married in the 90s - when you still went to (eg) Seldridges and compiled a wedding registry. We have used and broken every posh glass, have barely a bit of the original dinner service left. I think the only breakable wedding gift we still have is a butter dish.

Use and enjoy the stuff!

My mum used to be a bit like this. I remember as a kid on several occasions she got in treat food like a pineapple (we were not well off and it was expensive for a bit of fruit) and it would sit in the pantry until it rotted because it was never a good enough occasion to eat it.

It drove me potty and made me the opposite! But overall she didn’t waste much in life and while she could have enjoyed some of the nice things she “saved”, she prioritised making things last in a way that meant we went without much less than we might have done if she had been more free with things.

If you want to change, OP, then some suggestions:
-Once a week/month/whatever time frame works, buy something new and nice for a particular occasion that’s just about to happen (like dinner that night, or going out with friends that weekend, or a hobby you have a class for) and use it.
-Rotate your “best”, e.g. your “best” outfit that you’re saving, buy a new “best” outfit and start wearing the old one. Make the decision for how long to leave before retiring a “best” outfit on your financial situation, but don’t let it be so long the old one is no longer nice.
-Go cold turkey. One weekend, go through all the things you’re saving and use them. then use them again next weekend. If you find yourself avoiding using something because you’re saving it for best, make yourself use it the next weekend.

It's definitely deep seated from my mum and I can relate to this.

I do like to have nice things and try to use them

I am a bit slobby at home as I don't want to mess my clothes up

Why not start off by using a smaller/cheaoer new nice thing? Be really mindful about it: enjoy how it looks, how you feel when you wear it, what it smells like or whatever. Then tell yourself that you are with it, you deserve to have nice things.

What would you advise a friend in this situation?

Oh yes, recognising the grandparents and parents having a "best" dinner set in the sideboard for decades!
Eventually it went to charity, as it was so dated and none of the family wanted it.

My grandmother had a sweet floral teacup and plate set that she regularly used. It was her favourite, not "best". I inherited it, and it sat in a cupboard for a decade as I didn't want it to get damaged.
This Christmas I brought it out and am now using it daily. I now enjoy it and think of her each time.

"But the reality is I would rather use stuff and enjoy it, and if it gets broken along the way then so be it, rather than it sits in a cupboard until after I die and a complete stranger gets the benefit at a knock down price!"

That's a great way of looking at it! Imagine some rando just getting it for a fiver in a charity shop and probably not even appreciating it.

When I was clearing out mum's house after her death (my childhood home) I found things that I'd had as a child and young adult. Pretty soaps I never used because "for good"- 30 years old, cracked, hard and unusable. Notepaper faded and foxed. Luscious expensive handcream gone rancid. Cashmere jumpers that I hadn't packed properly, with moth holes in. And so on and on.

I am the opposite. I use everything immediately. Life is too short to look at things and not use them. I have several very expensive items I use regularly. I also think of cost per wear!

Does it help to try to unravel some of the illogical thinking? So you use the flask and it breaks, or wear a top and get a hole in it. What's the outcome - you don't have the flask or top to use any more. But you aren't using them anyway so the outcome is the same, just one way you had some enjoyment from them first and the current way you had none.
Hand creams will go off, candles will lose their scent, oils will turn rancid, clothes will get moths. What you are currently doing is just denying them a chance to give any pleasure and for you to enjoy them first.

Oh yes the best crockery

I have this too.

Sometimes it's difficult to get rid of the grotty stuff and you feel guilty for taking it to the tip or it's hassle to dispose of it

I do this so much with clothes. Currently sitting here in my threadbare dressing gown because I chose not to put my ‘good’ pyjamas on after my bath…

I used to do this because of low self esteem from childhood. Then I realised I was surrounded by people who wanted me to have low esteem. So then I had a fuck it moment and i now wear my nice things as a fuck you and yay me lol I buy my kids nice clothes and toys because I want them to get used to it and not be treated like they're not worthy of good things and good treatment.

I do the complete opposite because life is so precious I want to wear the best things etc. start small - use something and enjoy. Know it will prob break but use it anyway. It’s just stuff x