I’m scared of using new/nice things

[thecherryfox]

Ok, the title sounds a little strange but I have anxiety over using nice things. I guess it stems from not having much money and if it breaks, I can’t afford a replacement. But it’s like I buy new clothes and I always think ‘I can’t wear that, I’ll save it for best’ and years later I never have an occasion to wear it and it just sits there unworn going to waste. I end up wearing ‘crap’ clothes whilst my good clothes sit untouched because I’m scared to wear it. This also applies to household items too, I have a food flask in the cupboard that I’m too scared to use incase I ruin it, so I keep that for best whilst I put leftover food in bowls with clingfilm or tatty plastic pots.

Does anyone else relate? Please share your stories so I don’t feel alone or crazy

I'm sure it's a throw back from the war.....my grandparents went through 2 world wars.
It takes time but just start small.
I can now wear the good stuff and spray the good perfume .. well just because -
I did read somewhere, 'I'm saving it for best, I am the best , so I using it, wearing it now. ' or some such saying.
As a child I was a Tom boy , so did have play clothes and best clothes.
I do have to remind myself though.
Last week I had to attend important event and I was humming and arring about what to wear.
As I reached into the wardrobe , a couple of decent peace's fell off theirs hangers, into the floor. It was as if mum (rip) was telling me to wear something decent - so i did , and felt really good about myself.

Good on you - it's definitely about self care.

My DM was like this when I was growing up, which she passed on to me. She'd buy me craft sets/stickers but I wasn't allowed to actually use them because then they'd be "gone". This was partly because those things were a lot more expensive in the 90s than they are now, but we weren't terribly hard up or anything. Plus, I'd still have the set but it would be in its complete form, which isn't a negative thing! For example: I had a candle making set that I wasn't allowed to do, and then when we finally did make one she wouldn't let me actually light it because then it would get used up!

I carried that thought of "don't use it or it'll be gone" with me until I had DD and she wanted to do those sorts of things and I thought, why not? Why am I saying no? I was never allowed to, but I'm not going to put that on her! Now anything she or DS gets can be opened and played with/made straight away if they like, because otherwise what's the point of having it? It'll just go to waste or gather dust, they should enjoy it while they've got it.

DM was very sentimental and liked to keep things nice. We were evicted from our house when I was a teenager, and I think DM got worse after that, because we'd had to leave so much behind and in such horrible circumstances. When I cleared her house after she died, there was SO MUCH stuff that she'd saved - stuff that belonged to her and my DGMs, who both suffered from the same compulsion to keep things for "best"! - and it was heartbreaking finding yet another unopened thing, or clothes with the tags still on. Most of it wasn't to my taste at all, or had gone bad, so it went to charity, was sold or thrown away. (She was definitely a hoarder, but a hoarder of lovely things! Still a hoarder, though.)

So now I try to use the nice things whenever I can. Sometimes I really will be saving something for a specific occassion, but otherwise I try hard to enjoy the lovely things people have bought me, or I've treated myself to.

My partner does it with aftershave which drives me mad because it evaporates over time and the smell degrades.
I'm guilty of saving my children's clothes but that's only because they get stuff absolutely rotten! So try and save the nice stuff for occasions but then if they're close to growing out of it il put them in it all the time :)

This post really resonates with me. I can be exactly the same.

I'm so sorry you can feel like this, too. Therapy did help as it was officially caused by something else, but it's definitely a lingering thing. It takes effort to wear the nice things/use the nice thing sometimes, as I'm convinced I'm going to spoil/break it. I try to think about it logically - but as with the example of the locket, sometimes I need outside reassurance. You'd never guess I get like this if you met me either, so I very very rarely talk about it. Only DH and my then therapist know. And now all of MN. 😂

It's very frustrating. I wish I had more advice, but it's still a struggle here, too. Hugs and solidarity to you.

I agree. I hope you manage to train yourself out of this @thecherryfox . It’s such a waste - you’re not saving these things, you’re wasting them by not using them.
My mother was like this - decent clothes, makeup, toiletries and underwear were “for best” while she walked around in shabby holey clothes and laughed about her pants that were falling off the elastic waistband. “Best” never came.

When she died, her house was emptied of huge amounts of good clothes, and tons of makeup, toiletries, gifts, electrical goods, shoes, everything you can think of, still in boxes unopened. Some of them were many decades old. All of it wasted while she complained about being “poor” and wore ancient threadbare clothes.

These things are meant to be used, not sit in cupboards and drawers. If you don’t use them, one day they’ll just be thrown away.

I do this. I’ve always had best and second best, and second best is what I use. I have no idea why. I thought I was uniquely bonkers but it seems there are more of us!

Ex H used not to like 'nice things', and think them pointless, waste of money, etc. It was simultaneously a massive power trip and an expression of his deprived, loveless, impoverished upbringing. He's dead now, has been for 20 years, and all his scrimping and denial brought him nothing good at all.

So I buy all the nice stuff I need and want; my house is lovely, my clothes are great, I use about 5 items of make-up each day, and they are always good quality. I go on holiday where I want, spend money on lovely accommodation, good food, great days out.

You're a long time dead, OP. Get over yourself.

Omg I'm so like this!! Especially with jewellery never worn still tucked away im scared of it getting damaged! and I'm the same with clothes crazy I am glad I'm not the only one.

I also used to do this, recently gave away loads of old clothes, most hardly worn, and bought some lovely new stuff and I wear it every day. I’m not going to have stuff sitting there any more that eventually goes out of style or whatever that I never wore really, it’s a pointless waste of money, like your flask.

my husband is also similar, he would get new clothes, and I’d see he wore his old stuff, but have noticed he too is starting to just wear new stuff.

buying stuff to sit it in a cupboard or wardrobe is pointless.

@thecherryfox change your thinking to “everyday is a special occasion” and use the nice flask, wear the nice clothes xx

I’m like this, last year I made an effort to change. for example I bought a lot of new clothes and I make sure I wear them in rotation, so everything gets worn. Good luck with it.

Got a beautiful dinner service as a wedding present and left it when I walked out half a lifetime later. I think we used it once. The ex probably gave it away or threw it out.

Honestly, I wish I’d used it, even if the beautiful gold edges had worn away and it had become broken and chipped. Instead it became an ornament and a reminder of an unhappy marriage.

I guess it was partly fear of breaking something that couldn’t easily be replaced, but in the end, nobody valued it at all.

These days, I mostly wear the things I love and don’t save them for best. The only trouble now is how sad I am when my favourite clothes do actually wear out, but at least I enjoyed them enough that we reached that point together!

Go for it, OP. You won’t regret it if you do.

Edited to add, if I buy something I REALLY love and can afford it, I buy two these days. That way, if I mess one up, there’s still another.

Exactly!

I grew up with parents who didn't have much BUT my mum used her nice things every day. I'm so glad she did and got the daily joy from them. I do too.

I have this with trainers!! Generally trainers for me come with a 3 year lead time. Currently have 3 boxed from various Xmases waiting to go. It's annoying for the people who buy them for me I think

I'm inspired by those who have been able to overcome this and actually use things. I've always been like this and I'm very precious about e.g. my carpets, my best winter wool coat (lucky if it gets one outing per year), I have an unworn pair of white Air Max in the cupboard which has never seen the light of day. Since my divorce and being financially on my own I have become quite paranoid about money which has made it worse, so that I scrimp for myself in terms of buying economy brands when I don't need to, because I am worried about losing what I have with no one backing me up. Since I am financially fairly comfortable, this is not really reasonable. But I don't feel I'm really worth having nice stuff. Trying to overcome this but a combination of my upbringing (made to feel quite guilty about liking or wanting possessions or nice things), together with the feeling of being alone adrift, is a powerful force!

I did the same in the past when I didn't have much spare income. Eventually I realised the scented candles lost their sent and the clothes went out of fashion. Prized family china became fragile from lack of use. Then I almost died and that sure cured me of keeping things for some mythical perfect day in the future. All we have for sure is today, use it, enjoy it.

What a waste of money. Those things have been paid for and are just sitting there, unused.
It’s weird because in my head, only those with money to burn can afford to have stuff just there, untouched.

oh wow @jigglypuff7722 I'm the same with the trainers. I feel like if they've gone through a certain purgatory time (the air max I bought in August 2023), they can then emerge and get worn! This stuff is so crazy.

I haven't read the full thread but I'm sure someone has quoted Joan Didion, "Because every day is all there is". I love that line.

@magicalmrmistoffelees , actually I think I almost inherited the mentality of 2 or more generations ago when actually you had to scrimp and save and you would only get one lot of everything, if that. My granny was like this and I feel like my mother's generation (born 1943) were also infused with this approach, the tin foil carefully folded and used hundreds of times etc.. I definitely used to be made to feel bad for wanting stuff and remember my Mum calling me a 'Thatcher's child' LOL.

But I don't feel I'm really worth having nice stuff. Trying to overcome this but a combination of my upbringing (made to feel quite guilty about liking or wanting possessions or nice things), together with the feeling of being alone adrift, is a powerful force I'm telling you, you are so worth it! Every single one of us deserves nice things, whether they be gifted or purchased with our hard earned cash. Show yourself some love by enjoying the best and soon the best will just naturally be what you attract.

But surely if you have those things, it’s a complete waste of money and resources not to use them?
Genuinely I can’t get my head round it. To me, having things sitting in the cupboard unused is the epitome of wastage.

No one knows what will happen tomorrow, so wear the clothes, use the plates, put on the perfume, try that lipstick that has been sat there. Things are just that, materials. But the use of them, the little moments of joy, now those are the really precious things.