DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

[DucksonthePondQuack]

weather was terrible this morning so suggested that we take DS somewhere although I offered to just take him alone as DH was working tomorrow. Planned on taking him to a duck pond and around a little garden centre. I suggested we get DS a McDonald’s afterwards and DH blew up saying that I’m obsessed with takeaways (I’m not, I don’t like them) and that DS is overweight and I’m forcing fast food down his throat etc. Also that we cannot afford to keep spending money all the time (we wouldn’t have had any food, just DS) I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

For context DH has massively overhauled his diet in the last year and has lost tons of weight, he looks like a different person now. He said what I said was very cruel and nasty especially as I know how he’s struggled with his diet and weight. Was I out of order? I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week and it felt like he was begrudging DS one small treat. AIBU? Did I fat shame him?

No, he was being a grumpy arse.

That said if your small child is genuinely overweight or you have financial issues I can understand completely why he would say no to random visits to McDonald’s.

I think it was a bit weird of you to suggest taking DS to McDonald's but you and DH not eating anything, just watching DS eat. Maybe DH would find that really hard (given his food issues)? Or maybe he's trying very hard to give DS the right messages food-wise and feels that you're not helping him? It does sound like he overreacted a bit, but it's clearly a very sensitive issue for him.

Maybe he's struggled with food over Xmas. It's hard when there's so much nice Xmas food. Might just be a bit sensitive at the moment. Or might genuinely be worried about your child's weight as he's struggled with his. You didn't do anything wrong but maybe just be mindful that he might be finding it hard. I've lost the plot food wise over Xmas after losing 2 stone and I'm miserable because of it. Getting sorted today but it's not been easy.

How old is your child?
Could you not have eaten in the garden centre?

You've obviously touched a nerve. Is DS overweight? Because if DH has had to work really hard to lose weight, then he might want to avoid DS going through the same, and just articulated it poorly.

Christmas is over and if DH has cut himself some slack around eating. He's maybe feeling the post NY bloat. It sounds like he blew up and massively overreacted. But calling him the 'king of takeaways' doesn't cover yourself in glory either OP. You knew it was a nasty thing to say or else you'd not have said it to have a dig.

He was being an arse, and I wouldn't accept being spoken to like that but could you have hit a nerve?

Does he want to avoid your son going down the same route as him? If that's the case, he really didn't go about it the right way, and could cause more harm than good making a big deal of it!

No but you hit a raw nerve and he is maybe keen his son doesn't suffer the same struggles he is still living with.

He said DS is overweight: if that's the case he is not going to see a takeout as a "treat" because he knows they are unhealthy, addicitive and full of shit. He's probably still very much struggling with controlling his desire for takeaways, even though he has made very positive inroads to losing weight and controlling his appetite. I think it's that which made him lash out. You didn't fat shame him but it felt like that to him because he's not over the hill as yet and he doesn’t want his son to suffer the same.

Your DH was wrong to “blow up” over this. This is never the best way to get an idea across.

But it is not in the interests of your DS to grow up overweight. Excess weight brings all kinds of health and social problems and is best avoided if possible. It is good that your DH has got a grip on his own weight. This will have been really difficult.

The rest of your comment suggests you see take aways (usually expensive and unhealthy food) as a reward or a treat. Maybe think about substituting a visit to the swimming pool or a session in an outdoor playground.

I think he resents not being able to have takeaways like he used to.

I'm sure he's thrilled to have lost all the weight, and very well done, but what was once his favourite thing will still be missed and a sore point.

He sounds unreasonably grumpy but I wouldn't take a child to McDonalds. At some point they'll be of an age where you can't easily stop them eating that shit but when they are little you might as well avoid it.

How old is your DS?

Sounds like he needs to seriously chill. It’s just one happy meal.

It depends on whether your financial situation is as tight as he suggests and whether the child genuinely is overweight.

It did sound like a bit of an overreaction though. All that "fat-shaming" talk is a bit dramatic.

It’s £12 for a sandwich in my garden centre, £19 for sausage and mash. Definitely not a budget option.

I'm concerned for your DS because it seems like neither of you are modelling anything healthy. It's not normal to have such extreme reactions about money and weight for a £3.99 400 calorie Happy Meal.

Yep sounds similar to my local one! Insane prices. @DucksonthePondQuack Unless your child is obese and suffering health wise I really don’t think the odd happy meal at less than a fiver will be doing much physical or financial damage. DH is being a miserable arse.

I’d be more worried by what he said about your DS. Either because he is overweight and that is a concern or because DH is projecting food issues onto his son.

On whether YWBU, I think you touched a nerve and were right to say sorry but I would simply ignore any further mention of it. What you said wasn’t said maliciously.

Is he always such an overdramatic, hypocritical arsehole?

Oh and OP don't ever ever mention McDonalds on here, it will never end well - good luck.

Sounds like you hit a nerve. McDonald’s isn’t great - perhaps your DH is worried he’ll grow up to have the same food issues as him.

Does he always act like that? Or was that one off?

Did he say this around DS?

If either of those is a pattern, you have a problem.

Yes our local local garden centres food prices are ridiculous. Plus it’s fairly “up market” and not kid friendly. Much cheaper to get a little happy meal. DS is overweight (not massively) and he’s very tall but very healthy, McDonald’s would have been a treat for him the day before he goes back to school. It would only have been a fiver but the way DH reacted you’d swear I had suggested going to pick him up some drugs! I do understand that I hit a nerve, I’ve always been slim and have never had to worry about my weight which DH said. He asked me do I ever think about how much I hurt him? Does it bother me how much I hurt him? Etc.

Why is your DS overweight? Your DH, given his experiences, is right to be concerned. You, not overweight, are maybe being a bit too lax about your son's diet.

He’s touchy. Little situations end up with us fighting and sometimes I have no clue how we got there? If that makes sense?

For example-our back garden is full of rubbish/old bits of wood and he’s been saying for months that we need to call someone out to get rid of it all. I organised for a man to pick it up next week and he blew up again because I hadn’t discussed it with him first, where do I think we will get the money from and that I had gone behind his back. Told him we didn’t have to go through with it and I could cancel etc. Told him that taking it to the tip was free and his response? Learn to drive and I can take it to the tip myself then.

Without context it’s hard to know who’s BU or not.

How old is DS?
How often does he have McDonald’s/takeaways?
Is money tight?

If you are naturally slim and you ‘joke’ to someone about their weight or eating habits when you know they struggle with their weight, then it is going to hit a nerve, whether it’s rational or not.

I would apologise to him for causing offence but explain that you didn’t mean it that way.
And that restricting DS’s food is what’s going to give him weight issues, instead of treats in moderation.