DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

[DucksonthePondQuack]

weather was terrible this morning so suggested that we take DS somewhere although I offered to just take him alone as DH was working tomorrow. Planned on taking him to a duck pond and around a little garden centre. I suggested we get DS a McDonald’s afterwards and DH blew up saying that I’m obsessed with takeaways (I’m not, I don’t like them) and that DS is overweight and I’m forcing fast food down his throat etc. Also that we cannot afford to keep spending money all the time (we wouldn’t have had any food, just DS) I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

For context DH has massively overhauled his diet in the last year and has lost tons of weight, he looks like a different person now. He said what I said was very cruel and nasty especially as I know how he’s struggled with his diet and weight. Was I out of order? I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week and it felt like he was begrudging DS one small treat. AIBU? Did I fat shame him?

You don't have to go nuts just because it's McDonalds. My son will have a Happy Meal and I'll have a cheeseburger at 300 calories. I don't get the extreme reaction to McDs on here. Everyone knows it's not the healthiest but no one is obese because they get a big mac meal once a month.

I don't get how you fat shamed him OP. Sounds like he made a mountain out of a molehill. As for you having making up to do fuck that.

People with weight issues are touchy about food, esp at this time of year. It's not ideal but I can be like this myself, in the wrong mood, the 'threat' of fast food could make me overreact and nix the idea, being OTT as if it'll be the thing that'll make all the difference. Plenty of women are like this with food/weight issues so i guess it's just a bit more unusual that it's a guy but as you say, he's only recently grappled with his weight problems and probably still has a way to go to react more normally in all moods. I'd move on from it and not get into who's to blame. It's a human thing, you love each other, try to cut each other some slack. Probably hurts that he thinks you see him as some big fat takeaway guzzler (what king of takeaways meant in his head in the moment) and you're no doubt hurt that he thinks you're a bad mum feeding DS crap (what it felt like to you). On a nice sunny summer day, the row might never have happened.

DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week

Spending lots of money on takeaway once a week, doesn't sound like he has much chance to miss them!

Why are you taking an overweight child to McDonald's?

The fact your child is overweight points towards disordered behaviour around food in the home anyway.

This is what I couldn't understand.
He complained about buying McDonald's but is happy when it is his choice having takeaway once a week; also he said about the cost yet didn't mention stopping this weekly 'treat'.
I think next time he wants to order takeaway I would bring his own arguments back up and tell him what he thought!

All this talk about not referring to Maccy D's as a treat. I'd prefer them to see it as a treat, as in every now and again, not an all the time food.

I think I'd be telling him to get to fuck, especially over the messy garden. He doesn't want to sort shit out but isn't happy when you do it.
Bet he doesn't do any if the cooking either. Fucker.

Nope! I do it all.

What does he add to your life, exactly? Doesn't sound like much

Well, he does sound rather controlling and maybe a bit of a dickhead.

I don't think I would quite call what you said "fat shaming" but I would still say that calling someone who has struggled to bring their diet and weight under control "king of the takeaways" is a sticky wicket.

You're not wrong about the happy meal being a nice treat for DS once in a while. In fact, I'm sure I once read that happy meals aren't as calorific as you might think. Can't for the life of me remember where though.

OFGS. 🙄

I would genuinely like to know how people can post on here "Its only a Maccy Ds" then there are threads about ultra processed food.
I am not having a go. I am not feeding small children and do not eat this sort of food. I just said if the husband was dieting go somewhere else.
I am not trying to be superior about food here believe me.
I am just confused as to what the main message is to people these days as to how to feed their family
When I have my family around what do I offer?

Does he have any good traits?

His binge eating on his treat day shows he still has an eating disorder, that's a huge amount for a person to eat...is he bulimic by any chance?

If money is tight and your child is overweight then I can see why DH was against it, especially as your child already has take away once a week and your DH has had to work really hard to loose weight. However he was horrible and childish in how he said it, you through the eating habits in his face was childish too but that’s what happens when someone attacks you. Sounds like you both need a grownup conversation about finances and how he speaks to you.

Because no one is saying eat McDs every day. Food habits don't have to be that rigid.

The people posting about UPF are probably not the same ones saying it’s only a McDonald’s. The husband isn’t ‘dieting’ really and he along with OP and the child already have a take away a week. Offer your family what you like, you just need to do your own research and make your own choices like we all do.

Good grief op, he sounds nasty!

The very next time he mentioned the cost of ANYTHING in that tone I would be suggesting you give up the weekly takeaway as it's clearly too much for your budget. And I'd be comparing its cost with anything else you bought that was commented on, too. As for 'you've got a lot of making up to do' I'd have a lot to say but none of it would be making up.

Agree with this, OP.

What are his good points?

Also, the weight loss and bizarre tantrums could point to an affair.

So he’s allowed to talk to you like you’re something he’s just stepped in, but if you point out that he could be doing something differently if he wants you to behave differently (ie, taking wood to the tip, spending less on a takeaway etc) then you’re the one who needs to apologise and grovel until he’s decided that you’re forgiven? Yeah, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Next time he kicks off at you like this, I’d be inclined to give him a short, sharp shock. Very quietly and calmly say to him ‘I don’t know who the fuck you think you’re talking to, but it stops right now because I’m not taking your shit any more. If you don’t like what I’ve done, do it your fucking self, but don’t you dare ever talk to me like that again’. Then get up and walk away. And the swearing is most definitely needed.

I think it was quite an unkind thing for you to say tbh. Your dh has cleared suffered from eating too many takeaways, and is concerned tat his son might be going the same way!

Taking out the throwaway elements of your arguments it sounds like he is very worried about finances.

Do you do much of the finances in the household? Has there been a bigger spend than normal?

The other thing I'd be asking is if his job is safe?

There may have been discussions on things like redundancies or restructuring at his work and that might be worrying him.

Just another perspective OP, but what does your DH blame his disordered eating on? Was he overweight as a child and would it have been his mum 'feeding him up' by any chance?

It sounds like your DH is desperate for your son not to end up like him and you are completely oblivious to it, hence the 'chucking takeaways at him' comment, if you've always been a normal weight you will probably never understand how hard it can be to break habits which have been with you since childhood.

The thing is, he organises nothing, I do everything, all homework, I book all activities, holidays, meals out, organise and find the best prices for trades people, shop, meal plan, cook, book appointments, remember appointments, basically everything. The difference is on his day off it’s his day to play video games and very little else, he resents “being made to do stuff” all the time. I literally cannot remember one time that he’s suggested doing something or booked anything with the kids. I get punished if I book something as I haven’t discussed it with him first even though it’s been mentioned for weeks.