DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

[DucksonthePondQuack]

weather was terrible this morning so suggested that we take DS somewhere although I offered to just take him alone as DH was working tomorrow. Planned on taking him to a duck pond and around a little garden centre. I suggested we get DS a McDonald’s afterwards and DH blew up saying that I’m obsessed with takeaways (I’m not, I don’t like them) and that DS is overweight and I’m forcing fast food down his throat etc. Also that we cannot afford to keep spending money all the time (we wouldn’t have had any food, just DS) I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

For context DH has massively overhauled his diet in the last year and has lost tons of weight, he looks like a different person now. He said what I said was very cruel and nasty especially as I know how he’s struggled with his diet and weight. Was I out of order? I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week and it felt like he was begrudging DS one small treat. AIBU? Did I fat shame him?

Ok he is just a jerk. Your update snd the fight over the rubbish proves that.

Why is your DH unable to take the rubbish to the tip then? Can he not drive? It sounds like there are some control issues at play here and the food is part of that: a lot more complicated than your son having a burger.

Why would you treat your son to food at Mc Donalds? Cannot you establish a more healthy treat?

he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

Tell him he's got a lot of packing to do.

I think the message you’re giving your overweight child is problematic - unhealthy fast food is a “treat”, and that straight after Christmas (no doubt involving loads of chocolate and treats) he needs another “treat” just because he’s going back to school tomorrow. Why couldn’t the family time doing something together be the treat? My own kids eat McDonald’s occasionally, I’m not averse to it and the occasional happy meal is pretty harmless, but I think the language around certain kinds of food and the using it as a treat or reward is unhealthy, especially for a child who’s already overweight and has a father with weight and diet issues. It’s setting him up for obesity.

Your update around the garden etc confirms my view your DH is a grumpy arse though.

Yes, OP. Why didn't you take your child down the local Waitrose for some yummy celery sticks and a raw carrot?

The odd treat is fine and won’t damage his health. Sometimes completely banning junk food can have the opposite effect and can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food. We cook lots of homemade meals together and he loves his food, he will eat anything and is a joy to cook for.

So he can say rude things to you but you have to tiptoe round his feelings?

How come DH is allowed takeaway once a week? Is this just him personally that gets it?

Yeah I can see that - labelling it as a “treat” but it’s more the eating out that’s a treat, not necessarily the food itself. He’s been raised to see no food as “bad” just everything in moderation. He can if not watched overeat, finishing off our leftovers, his siblings food and can raid our cupboards. He’s autistic with a hyper fixation on food and eating!

We all eat it, I’d rather leave it, I never find them very nice, greasy and cold! I would prefer to cook something from scratch, I definitely eat them to please DH as he lives on salad all week and it’s his one night to enjoy. They are so expensive though especially a dominoes, it’s ridiculously overpriced and not that nice. It just seemed like double standards as he pays £50 to £60 per week on take out food yet he kicked up such a fuss about one happy meal.

😝

You didn't fat shame him; he's internalised that himself and twisted into something he's feeling about himself.

Take aways are expensive, though. For him to be blowing up at the occasional McDs treat for your child while he is inflicting one on the family every single week is a bit rich. He's a hypocrite ... who has not in fact been fat shamed by you.

Ok he is like a dry drunk: he controls his addiction by rigidly keeping to his self imposed schedule of restrictions (salad during the week) and treats (expensive take away)—this is nothing more than a successful eating disorder combining restriction with bingeing. Your “offer” of mcd for your son (in his mind) threatened his ritual in two ways :it challenged his dominance over money/treats and it reminded him that he was technically in his restricting phase.

Both blow ups have been over spending. How well do you know the family finances? Could there be debt you don't know about?

It sounds like he's struggling to join the dots on his spending and is worried about money in general tbh, my ex got a bit like this, he'd stress about money for one off purchases but would buy lunch every day. Eventually we sat down and went through our accounts to add up what we were spending on certain areas (you can get apps that do this, but we did it manually) and he was shocked how much he was spending on lunch, it was like his brain categorised it as 'essential' and therefore not a real spend, whereas one offs like a takeaway he just saw the £££ - going through our accounts together and both making individual and joint goals really helped.
However yes, I do see his point worrying about your DS being overweight - it sounds like he's worried DS will continue to be overweight and go through the same struggles he has as an adult, and isn't expressing that well at ALL. So maybe a chat when you've calmed down from the perspective of 'i want to understand your worries and make sure we have a joined up approach' sort of thing?

I agree with that. He binges on his treat day - a takeaway, all takeaway leftovers, one tub of Ben and Jerries ice cream, a whole sponge cake, pastries, Cornettos, Oreo ice creams. Just an insane amount of food in one go. He binges. I’ve tried talking to him about eating normally everyday-for example eating a lasagna or pasta bake, enjoying the odd treat but he’s a person of extremes.

Ok, we can see what the problem is.

He's a dickhead.

Interesting. If he thinks you haven't got enough money to pay for someone to collect and dispose of rubbish, where does he think will you get the money for driving lessons from?

I’ve got a food-addicted friend who drives me insane by getting quite angry every time she’s got a dinner invite. In her telling, she’s finally got her eating under control and now someone daring to cook a nice meal is going to derail everything.

It’s completely irrational to everyone else but obviously feels so real to her. I guess proximity to McDonald’s feels a bit like that for your husband, even though he’s actually reined the eating in?

My friend also has all these things she constantly says about junk food being “gross” and how she feels “terrible” the day after she’s eaten processed food, as if she can reason her way out of the addiction. When your husband said you can’t afford a McDonald’s, it could be one of the arguments in his head to ward off the threat of the takeaway. Again, totally irrational – a Jammie Dodger isn’t inherently gross, it’s just a biscuit! And you guys can afford a Happy Meal on a dreary Monday!

You really didn’t deserve the criticism from him about McDonald’s or about the junk going to the tip, does he have hoarding tendencies?

No debt at all, we are doing ok but money is tighter after Christmas.

Ha Ha Ha
But if your husband struggles with junk food would it not be a kinder thing to take your child together to somewhere that he does not find upsetting while keeping to his diet.
There is a vast space of options between mc donalds and celery sicks at waitrose ( thanks to the sarky puss that said that)
Do you not have cafes or anything else other than mc donalds?

He does sound a bit as if he resents money that’s not spent directly on him? And if that’s related to how much he can get for himself on his treat day - well, you’re looking at very disordered thinking. I don’t think it’s fat shaming to refer to basically an addiction to that kind of food, but I can see he would be in denial.

Lots going on here.

I'm not expert but your husband's treat day does sound a bit worrying.

Why did he say you're obsessed with takeaways when you say you don't like them and he's the one that gets them? Do you regularly give them to DS?

I don't agree with the way he has handled this, but I do think the Macdonald's idea was not great and a bit odd that you'd take DS there for a treat and not eat anything. It seems a bit pointless and unhealthy.

‘Ok he is like a dry drunk: he controls his addiction by rigidly keeping to his self imposed schedule of restrictions (salad during the week) and treats (expensive take away)—this is nothing more than a successful eating disorder combining restriction with bingeing. Your “offer” of mcd for your son (in his mind) threatened his ritual in two ways :it challenged his dominance over money/treats and it reminded him that he was technically in his restricting phase.’

This sums it up perfectly, especially given your later info about the vast consumption of ‘junk’ in the ‘permitted’ day. Basically DH is ‘cycling’ between excessive consumption, and excessive inanition/ repression. The peaks and troughs, the oscillation in food and type of food is going to lead to or exacerbate mood swings of the sort you describe. He is not living ‘healthily’ , and so he is going to be more prone to unhealthy and irrational behaviour as you are describing.

I don’t know what to do about this, but I feel that it is a situation which may well worsen if he cannot break the cycle and adopt a more measured approach to eating. Good luck, OP.