DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

[DucksonthePondQuack]

weather was terrible this morning so suggested that we take DS somewhere although I offered to just take him alone as DH was working tomorrow. Planned on taking him to a duck pond and around a little garden centre. I suggested we get DS a McDonald’s afterwards and DH blew up saying that I’m obsessed with takeaways (I’m not, I don’t like them) and that DS is overweight and I’m forcing fast food down his throat etc. Also that we cannot afford to keep spending money all the time (we wouldn’t have had any food, just DS) I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

For context DH has massively overhauled his diet in the last year and has lost tons of weight, he looks like a different person now. He said what I said was very cruel and nasty especially as I know how he’s struggled with his diet and weight. Was I out of order? I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week and it felt like he was begrudging DS one small treat. AIBU? Did I fat shame him?

I think it sounds like your husband is "sensitive" regarding food/take aways perhaps rightly so if he's struggled with his weight and finally lost a fair bit. Maybe for him to sit and watch your son and potentially others eat and enjoy food is something your hubby would find difficult if he isn't joining in?

There seem to be a lot more issues here than the McDs and takeaways.

He's happy to sit back and be completely absent from family life /take no responsibility then he kicks off when you do. Not just that but you "don't ask his permission either".

He doesn't see you as an equal, but beneath him. That's the real issue. Everything else is just... noise.

It's seems so odd to me that you're reaching your overweight young child that McDonald's is a "treat".
Your FH has struggled with his weight since childhood. You should be trying to stop the cycle. In an emergency where there were no options but junky fast food I'd be apologising to my children for giving it to them and saying how they don't have to eat it if they don't want it. Treat it as the crap it is.

A treat should have been the time you spent together, an extra 5 minutes at the park or if it needs to be food then why not a slice of cake at the garden centre- much more civilised.

You have issues don't you?

Hear, hear - exactly - MacCrap is no treat.

no, you do!

So he told you that you were obsessed with takeaways

You told him he was the king of takeaways.

You apologised (no idea why) but he didn't - for what is a very similar comment.

And now he says you've got a lot of making up to do.

Tell him to get over himself ffs.

Your husband sounds like an insufferable dickhead. Emotionally manipulative, insecure and from what you have said a bone idle grifter. You deserve better OP. You sound like a really lovely mum who’s had enough of being treated like dirt and left to do everything yourself all of the time. I’d tell him that unless he’s going to get off his lazy backside, start behaving like an adult and pull his weight then I couldn’t give a toss about his sanctimonious bullshit opinion. Absolute barefaced cheek of the man!

If my child were already overweight I would be upset if my partner were randomly taking him to McDonalds or to have hot chocolate and cake as mentioned in another post. You can go out and get something healthy, or do something else non-food-related as a treat.

I don’t think it was the McDonald’s that was the issue, I don’t think he wanted to take DS out in the first place and going to McDonald’s would have prolonged the outing which he didn’t want to go on in the first place.

I don’t call McDonald’s an everyday food either, that’s not what I meant about treats. What I meant was referring to food, any food really, as a treat in the sense of something special to make you feel good, to cheer you up, make up for going to school tomorrow, as a reward etc. There’s food I’m happy for my children to eat unlimited amounts of and food that can be enjoyed in varying degrees of moderation - but it’s all just food.

I find it odd that you yourself don't enjoy fast food, but yet are teaching your kid that a McDonald burger is a treat to look forward to.
I get the eating out thing, but it would be better to pick something you both enjoy no? It's part of the experience.

That said I'm biased as I do find McD disgusting and flavourless, so for us it's more of a last resort food on the motorway type of thing 😂

Your husband sounds like a twat. It looks like he is frustrated by his own suboptimal behaviour,.and is taking it out on you when you inadvertently highlight it.

I think your DH needs some therapy to work through his disordered eating and behaviour. Work through his difficult childhood issues.
He also needs to understand his role in the family and what he's expected to do and, consequently, if you have to do the bulk of the organisation, he has to accept your decisions. Let him have a paddy about it and just carry on. Sounds like things are tough enough anyway with an autistic child.

Going out to eat, be it a burger or a cake, is a treat.
To eat at some garden centres (mine included) is far more expensive, if you are short of cash, a burger works out far cheaper.

Bloody hell, give the OP a break, you would think she had encouraged her child to eat cynide.🙄

On. The. Money.

So he's ok to say that you're obsessed with take away, but you can't say he's the king of take away - double standards to me

It doesn’t sound like your DH likes you very much to be honest. What are his good points?

DS is autistic (non verbal/pre verbal) and I try to do small things with him to socialise him, teach him about waiting, sitting at the table, eating his food, talking about what’s going on around us etc. little outings like a hot chocolate and a cake in a cafe, short and sweet just to get him slowly used to eating out and having to wait/sit nicely at a table etc.

You are such a great mother 💐

Any of this sound familiar OP?

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Yes, he does sound that way.
FWIW YANBU - I don't think you fat-shamed him at all.
However, you say he's abstemious six days a week and binges on the seventh, his "treat" day (and boy does he binge - I'm surprised he's not sick! 😂). So, I think your suggestion to go to McD's threw out his routine and he didn't like it so made an argument out of it. It's quite possible, with his history with food and the relative control he has now, that the idea of going to McD's and only having a drink with you, whilst your son ate a happy meal in front of him, was more than he could cope with, and I have some sympathy with this.
I have to watch my weight all the time, but my DH can eat whatever he likes (I call him Hollow Legs) and even though I'm not rigid in my thinking like your DH, I use an app to try to stick to an average of 1,200 - 1,400 calories per day. So, whilst I know he's not doing it to sabotage my efforts to keep my weight under control, when DH suddenly suggests getting fish and chips one evening, it's a bit frustrating. Sometimes I'll be pragmatic and think "it's only one night" and go along with it as I know I'll be back on the wagon the following day, but sometimes I say I really don't want to (maybe because we're going out a couple of times over the weekend and I just don't want the additional unplanned "excess"). He always respects my decision though, whichever way I jump. 😂
Clearly though you and your DH have far greater challenges to deal with (in your own relationship with undiagnosed autism v ADHD and as a family with a non/pre-verbal autistic child) but it sounds to me like you're doing a great job as a mum. I've read your more recent posts where you describe your wanting to take your DS out to cafes/restaurants so he learns he has to be patient and sit still whilst waiting, which is lovely and you're clearly giving his upbringing a lot of thought. 🤗

Your husband sounds like hard work but please don't encourage your overweight, food-fixated little boy to see McDonalds or any food as a "treat". The treat was the time together with you doing a nice activity, as others have also said.

As you have said you DH has lost a lot of weight maybe he is worried about your DS’ weight. I have always struggled with my weight so I try to teach my children good habits as I would hate for them to have the same struggles with weight I did growing up. I think it’s very hard to understand if you have never struggled with weight issues but maybe he sees your DS gaining weight and he is trying to stop it.

Christmas is a hard time for most, especially somone with food issues.

You're foing great with your son OP.

Just try and be supportive of each other, especially as you say, he might be autistic.

Then why is he buying takeaways like dominos for the family once a week?

McDonalds is not food. It's toxic ultra processed carcinogens.
Why would anyone feed their children this absolute shit? It's not a treat, it's actively injurious to them.