DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

[DucksonthePondQuack]

weather was terrible this morning so suggested that we take DS somewhere although I offered to just take him alone as DH was working tomorrow. Planned on taking him to a duck pond and around a little garden centre. I suggested we get DS a McDonald’s afterwards and DH blew up saying that I’m obsessed with takeaways (I’m not, I don’t like them) and that DS is overweight and I’m forcing fast food down his throat etc. Also that we cannot afford to keep spending money all the time (we wouldn’t have had any food, just DS) I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

For context DH has massively overhauled his diet in the last year and has lost tons of weight, he looks like a different person now. He said what I said was very cruel and nasty especially as I know how he’s struggled with his diet and weight. Was I out of order? I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week and it felt like he was begrudging DS one small treat. AIBU? Did I fat shame him?

He was overweight as a child but as a teen crash dieted and went very underweight. He had a difficult childhood and had to fend for himself a lot. I think it’s the fear that the food will be taken away from him.

Urgh your dh sounds hard work and he also sounds eating disordered. What he eats on a binge day is gross. Also spending £50-£60 a week on takeaways is a lot of money. It sounds like he prioritises himself in the relationship and also sees himself as the person who always gets to decide how money is spent. Does he have any redeeming features?

People who have quit a habit can be very sanctimonious about other people who are still in the grip of the habit, ex smokers tutting at smokers and people who have got to a healthy weight judging overweight people and posting endless memes on social media about working towards goals etc.

You weren't in the wrong at all and don't owe him any kind of apology.

If that were the case he wouldn’t be bingeing on takeaway days. OP isn’t the one setting the terrible example by binge eating on one day and spending the rest of the week trying to make up for it. He hasn’t kicked his own unhealthy eating habits at all.

Urgh please divorce him. He sounds useless, angry and controlling.

I get you have children together etc - but why @DucksonthePondQuack are you staying for a lifetime of this? He won’t get any better. Probably worse with retirement when he’s home 24/7 and it’s just the two of you alone at home..

build a life for yourself now.
Cook the healthy nutritious meals you want.
Fuck the salads. He can make his own.
Fuck the unappetising overpriced family takeaways - let him binge on his own and you lot tuck into a lovely meal you fancy.
He wants you to learn to drive and keeps throwing it in your face. Do it. Budget it into the family budget. One lesson a week or fortnight. Get the theory done.

stop being the doormat. Tell him if he doesn’t sort the garden state you’ll be asking friends and family and have to explain to them why your DH can’t. Would the shame motivate him? Yes we are aware he’ll sulk and strop..

honestly - I’d rather be on my own than have this to contend with. He’s clocked out of family life and is just a lodger at this point.

My youngest has autism and I don’t want to break up the family and leave his dad for fear of disrupting his life/routines/stabilityetc. but I couldn’t stay and be mentally healthy long term. It took a year to get ex out, get things balanced and find new routines and get everyone settled down - but 20
years on I don’t regret a second of it.

He asked me do I ever think about how much I hurt him? Does it bother me how much I hurt him? Etc.

I haven’t seen anyone mention this, but this is completely manipulative and unacceptable. He wasn’t hurt, he was just angry at the thought of having to sit and watch his son eat McDonald’s while he had nothing. It’s his disordered eating talking.

Combined with everything else it’s pretty clear that you would be much happier without him. And I suspect your son wouldn’t be overweight if it wasn’t for your husband’s binge days. I’m guessing he eats a bit of all of the binge food your husband buys? The takeaways, ice creams, Oreos, etc?

@DucksonthePondQuack You say your DS is autistic - is your DH also on the spectrum?

I suspect he is autistic and DH agrees that he probably is.

DH (I believe) is classically autistic, he’s pretty rigid in his thinking and quite black and white. I spontaneous and impulsive with ADHD, we clash lol.

I do this I’m not a McDonald’s fan sometimes I’ll have a coffee but will often just wait whilst the kids eat. It feels like they are perpetually hungry. I am happy to skip lunch etc.

It's fine for your dh to disagree with the mcds but why be an arse about it. He could literally say, nah let's skip the mcds and make him something at home it will be healthier.

Then he has a go at you about takeaways and when you mirror back what he said to you and reflect it on him he's massively offended. By his logic you should also be offended then.

His attitude towards food does sound unhealthy.

Amazes me on MN how many people are autistic when they’re just generally twats.
None of the autistic people I know behave like this. Being lazy and leaving your dp to do everything is just lazy and mean.

As DS is overweight you would be better to keep him away from McD's and steering him towards healthier food.

But he isn't worried enough to knock the family takeaway on the head? It's all on OP, wow.

What a load of rubbish. I have four kids now 33,32,22&21. The oldest always was and still is very very slim. Next I would say average, other two inclined to put on weight easier, the youngest son was never still, played loads of sports everyday from being about 4 years old. They were all fed exactly the same and must therefore have different metabolisms. None are over weight adults. When young they seemed to put on a bit of weight then a growth spurt repeatedly. As others have said moderation and nutritious food is key. I didn’t have scales when they were under18 as the older one was worried about being too skinny and others about being overweight, which they weren’t, you are very judgmental.

This ⬆️

@DucksonthePondQuack I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

Well the joke's on you then, because quite clearly he isn't any longer.

Why did you suggest that the two of you have nothing and just sit and watch DS eat a happy meal? Is it because you are hard up and can't afford to buy even a tea/coffee each for yourselves or was it because of your DH weight issues? I can see how both would cause offence.

A family trip to McDonald's should include something for everyone. If you can't afford it, you don't go. Even someone on a diet can find something to eat - small fries, small burger, my MIL who is always on a diet is partial to a Happy Meal. I can see how your suggestion that neither of you eat could have been taken as a dig about his weight.

Stop seeing junk food as a treat. Food is fuel. Way to give your kid the complex you seem to have.

Your h saying you have a lot of making up to do is stupid. I'd tell him to piss off.

My general reaction to nice food round Christmas is to eat it and drink the alcohol. Then eat soup for a week after its over on January 6th. I know, though, that some people struggle and if OP's DH has this issue then a random McDonald's is probably a trigger. Why not somewhere nicer that sells real food, anyway?

No, it’s not because we are hard up. DS is autistic (non verbal/pre verbal) and I try to do small things with him to socialise him, teach him about waiting, sitting at the table, eating his food, talking about what’s going on around us etc. little outings like a hot chocolate and a cake in a cafe, short and sweet just to get him slowly used to eating out and having to wait/sit nicely at a table etc.

Calling someone "the King of Takeaways" is hardly insult of the century is it 🙄He sounds tiresome.

As he's your DH, and presumably you love him etc, I wouldn't have said it's worth falling out over his grumpiness. However, I certainly wouldn't be grovelling over it either x

I’m going out on a limb here. I think you make a point about not liking takeaways every week (before eating it anyway) and the hypocrisy of then suggesting a Mc Donald’s is what made him blow up.

How did he ‘fat shame you’

He said you like take aways, and you said he was the king of them. Who called who fat?