DH said I was cruel and fat shamed him

[DucksonthePondQuack]

weather was terrible this morning so suggested that we take DS somewhere although I offered to just take him alone as DH was working tomorrow. Planned on taking him to a duck pond and around a little garden centre. I suggested we get DS a McDonald’s afterwards and DH blew up saying that I’m obsessed with takeaways (I’m not, I don’t like them) and that DS is overweight and I’m forcing fast food down his throat etc. Also that we cannot afford to keep spending money all the time (we wouldn’t have had any food, just DS) I responded that DH was “the king of takeaways” he used to be obsessed with them.

For context DH has massively overhauled his diet in the last year and has lost tons of weight, he looks like a different person now. He said what I said was very cruel and nasty especially as I know how he’s struggled with his diet and weight. Was I out of order? I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do but what I said was in response to him saying I was obsessed with takeaways.

DH also has a takeaway once a week, I’m not keen on them but he enjoys having a treat once a week. He spends a lot of money every week and it felt like he was begrudging DS one small treat. AIBU? Did I fat shame him?

My OH just chimed in "Does he want you to "make it up to him"... by buying him a takeaway??

Seriously though OP, hope it has all now blown over.

Because the people posting about it only being McDonald’s are different to the people who post about avoiding UPFs completely?

If you have your family round you offer what you want to offer. Pretty sure OP doesn’t offer all her visitors happy meals when they come
over.

How is he very healthy if he’s is overweight? Sounds like you need to avoid McDonald’s and concentrate on the walks.

Sounds like you have much bigger issues in the home tbh
Your dh sounds like a controlling bully
I'd focus on the other issues to everyone's benefit

What stood out for me is the perception you both have around money.

He believes that as family you’re always spending money ‘all the time’.

You say DH spends a lot of money and has a takeaway once a week.

Are these claims rooted in fact?

Time to get the bank statements out and highlight how much you’ve both spent on food in the last three months.

You will be able to see where the food budget is going.

I apologised but he said I’ve got a lot of making up to do

This sounds creepy to me and almost like a threat.

He's a financially abusive moron who throws temper tantrums because he's also a lazy bastard who gaslights you into thinking you're always in the wrong to cover up how inept and pointless he actually is.

I couldn't be arsed with this bullshit. And you're a fool if you keep putting up with it. Leave the bastard. And stop putting your poor kids through his weirdness.

Making a remark that someone is ‘king of takeaways’ is NOT, in itself, saying that someone’s fat!!

Op, really hope you catch my response. Just incase.

When I was diagnosed with anorexia, I was not eating barely anything all week, but on Sunday's I'd eat a lot. It's not classic binging when it's refeeding, because the body has been starved. Binging is when you'd eat past fullness cues.. You don't feel full, but rather can get extreme hunger, when the body is genuinely starved. I'd lost a lot of weight (started out obese) and was continuing to lose. Everyone thought I was doing fine because I was fat and then wasn't - my weight loss was treated as a good thing by everyone besides my father, who got me to the doctors. If I was a thin person to start with with those eating habits, I wouldn't gotten help a lot sooner.

The physical health impacts were exactly as you'd imagine anorexia to be. I was very, very unwell and was almost hospitalised - would have been if I didn't follow strict instructions once it was caught. Got there in time.

Being very ritualisitic and sensitive about food is part of my eating disorder.

Does your hubby eat barely anything the rest of the time? Does he have any other weird food habits or rituals?

Just keep an eye on him. You can be extremely unwell even at healthy weights from starving the majority of the time. I was back in ED clinic at bmi 21-22 due to starving my way back there and was very physically sick again. Anorexic people have died at "healthy weights", although usually upon relapse when the body has already been strained.

Any way to check his calorie and nutrient intake is fair most days?

Think this should be taken seriously if he really is barely eating except for a once a week "binge" xx

Just to add since can't edit - easy way to check if eating disorder is a possibility with your hubby... Offer to have his favourite takeaway on a day that he HASN'T chosen. An unusual day. Ask him to get one with you on a Wednesday instead of a Friday (if he usually has it on Fridays, for example). Or, invite him out to eat as well as his usual binge day... Like try to arrange a restaurant date for the day after or something.

If he gets unusually mad, defensive, or comes up with weird ass reasons that he can't do it those things then something could be wrong.

I mean, something could be wrong even if he copes with the change well.. But your description of your hubby has just made me worry is all. Sounds just like me when ED is bad xx

How very strange that you took issue with a one off McDonald's, but say nothing about her husband feeding their child a take away every bloody week, why is that?

In fairness, if you’re doing keto then it’s an absolute nightmare. Everything is stuffed full of carbs - it’s really hard to grab food on the fly at places like McDs!

Keto/low carb is the only diet that’s ever worked for me but it’s an absolute bastard to be spontaneous with. And if you’re knocked out of keto then your entire week is often ruined as it can take several days to get back in it.

I’ve often taken my DC to McDonald’s but not eaten myself. But my DC also know that I’m not really a huge McDonald’s fan so it’s not been modelled as me depriving myself (which I think is an unhealthy example to set). It’s usually been when we’ve been at an activity/day out that’s overrun and the DC are tired/hungry, and waiting til we got home to eat would add another hour or so, making it really late. Maybe the difference is that it’s not framed as a “treat” - we’re just running late and they need to eat, nothing special.

My DC aren’t restricted in terms of sweets/snacks (they’re also autistic). For us, this has worked so much better. Because it’s not “special” or treated as forbidden, they’re phenomenal at only having a small amount or just not bothering with junk. They are so much better than me at moderating how much sweets/chocolate/crisps etc they eat! And I’m sure that the free access and casual attitude is what’s worked for them, although I appreciate that wouldn’t work for all. They’re the same about takeaways - they’re fairly ambivalent and prefer home cooked food wherever possible. They do enjoy a meal out at a restaurant though - and interestingly, that’s always been framed as a treat so I think for us, there’s definitely some merit in how food is described!

I think the problem isn't McDonald's. His son is allowed to eat unhealthy food when HE suggests it but you get punished if it's your suggestion.

It seems that this spreads into every day life where you are not allowed to do anything with out his approval and any suggestions get shot down and he wants to control everything.

You also do all the house hold tasks while he games, that's not a fair distribution. I think he's very controlling of you which is a massive read flag. Is he abusive in other ways? Are you happy?

Sounds like your DH had a good point. Your child's overweight, your DH has been trying to do the right thing and portraying MacDonalds as a treat is sending out a poor message.

He's trying to do the right thing by feeding their child take away once a week? How does that work?

Hardly a random visit

Oh my. It’s hard to tell what the issue is in this thread!
Fast food? Maybe
Money? Maybe
Control? Maybe
Miserable DH? Maybe

My general take -
If your child is overweight, they shouldn’t be eating fast food.
If your child is on the spectrum and obsessed with food/eating, they shouldn’t be eating fast food.
You have a DH problem if he is lazy and not engaging in family life.
If your DH wants a takeaway once a week, that’s fine, but you don’t need to have it (nor your child). Just cook something nice for the two of you.

So hes allowed to say your obsessed with them, and to fat shame your DS..but your cruel and have making up to do?

No.