Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

The world isn't set up for them or introverts particularly. We're all here together. I expect they find my behaviour a pain in the arse. Damn introverts with their 'me time' and reading. Posting online instead of being around real people........

Except that's not what it means and I suspect you know that LaLaLand

I can be loud, talk the hind legs off a donkey, be wild and do stupid stuff. I'm not a wall flower and don't keep quiet in meetings either. I been the lead role in stage plays and taught classes speaking to 80+ students. I'm an introvert. I'm not shy and I'm not antisocial.

Introverts replenish their energy from alone time and extroverts replenish theirs being around people. It's just biology and sensitivity to stimulation that determines which side you fall on.

Like I say, neither is right or wrong. Just different.

I was being sarcastic. So many people on here confuse ‘introvert’ with ‘shy’ or ‘misanthrope’. I’m a sociable, socially-confident introvert. The only way you would know whether I was an introvert or an extrovert was if you came across me after a lot of socialising when I hadn’t had a chance to recharge.

Definitely makes sense, you've put it clearer than I did but this was basically what I meant.

I too am sociable and not shy. I like going out, seeing friends, hosting, company-I am very 'the more the merrier' and I have sometimes been known to have a boozy party all night even in my 40s I am not a shy little wallflower.

Maybe the fact that I am quite outgoing when I DO socialise makes people think I'm comfortable doing it all the time?

But I'm not-I love time alone too. As with the above example of my friend who pretended there was a car problem so as not to leave, as you've said, I was upset and disappointed, I was looking forward to having my house back and relaxing-socialising is a bit like exercise to me, I enjoy it but I can't do it all the time, and I had put plans in place to ensure that I had a day of recovery before returning to work.

My friend took that from me, and this made me upset, which upset her!

She isn't an extrovert though. She barely sees anyone and seldom goes anywhere. Maybe I should've felt flattered that she came to see me and enjoyed it so much and maybe I am! But I felt she'd robbed me of something I wanted to do whereas she just saw it as 'Ah she'll not mind, she's not doing anything!'.

She was wrong-and it affected our friendship.

Did you mean the first friend I mentioned, or the second one or both ?

This is completely normal with my friends. Do you not like her? If you do, just get on with whatever you needed to do with her there. Or just enjoy chilling and chatting for the day. You won’t be saying on your death bed, oh I wish I’d spent more time on chores and less with family and friends.

Omg

Why dont people know when to go home?

Falula was incredibly rude and inappropriate

I would back away from her

I need my space

I actually have a friend like this

Turned up for a play date one day at 9am

Was still there at 5:30

I had work the next day and my kid had scho. That's over staying and over stepping boundaries in my opinion

I fed them lunch. I hadn't planned on feeding dinner though

Oh no, people know not to turn up to mine unannounced otherwise they have a frosty reception. It's a pet peeve of mine. And it's rude.

I ended up sticking something in for the all three DC and we had just nibbles, cheese and crackers etc - she did say it would be lovely with a glass of wine but I put my foot down to that little request as I’m sure she’d have settled in for the evening…

What a CF Falula is!

Next time, definitely don't invite over. Maybe have a plan in place for someone to call you at a certain time with an "emergency"...

Some people just don’t really understand social cues for whatever reasons (could be cultural, could be individual). If the idea comes up of her coming over again you have to be very direct beforehand and when she’s there. Beforehand ‘yes, but last time you visited it was too long, this time you’ll need to go at (insert time or length of time ). I’ll remind you if you forget’. On the day ‘it’s been lovely, but I’m going to have to ask you to go now.’ If she deflects eg suggests another game/cup of tea etc just stick to your guns ‘no sorry. It’s time to go’. Stand up. Wait for her to go. Repeat your words if necessary.

Many people can't work out non-verbal cues or subtle hints. I've friends who wouldn't care how long or late we stayed. And if we need to get on or they do - we literally just say so.

I think if you've arranged for a visit, playdate, it's more relaxing to plan ahead so you can concentrate on your visitors...presumably you do actually like them!
If they just arrive unexpectedly, fair enough get on with what you need to be doing.Only invite them to tea etc if you want to!
I find it a bit odd that so many people are so angry at their visitors, calling them cheeky etc. People used to be more flexible.

There is flexible as in staying for an hour later than expected and there is deliberately ignoring the host who is visibly flagging, or worse still has already said that you need to be gone for x time and yet you won't leave

Much as I wished these things only happened to me, I am glad they don't simultaneously! Would love to know your stories!

Reminds me of moving day.Friend turned up to “help” Except she bought her 3 delightful little girls ! And her husband. They sat on the sofas demolishing contents of biscuit tins as we tore about moving boxes etc. you know how frantic it gets. Then they moved to the garden insisting on one last swing as the play equipment was being packed away. Then they asked what’s for lunch. Were they bloody serious?? I advised sandwiches and fruit from local shop. They arrived back with newspapers and magazines. My husband thought it must be a joke ! They had only bought lunch for themselves.seething by this point I had to practically throw them out after they complained the sofas had gone. Sooo stressful.

Just say we have to go out at 2pm so It’s best you leave at 1.45pm. I’ll set a reminder. Then get them out of the house. Even if you have to put your coat on and head out - do this.

WTF! Absolute hindrance!

Had something similar (although not quite as long!) with a mum friend who is autistic, I guess she just didn't have a clue it's not really socially acceptable. Been meeting her outside since.

but that's exactly the point
90% of people with normal social awareness will pick up on hints that it's time to go now and will go.

Of the remaining 10% some (for whatever reason, personal, cultural, etc) won't get hints so have to be explicitly told - but equally so, because they are direct themselves won't find you telling them "sorry time to leave now" rude at all, because it's what they would do themselves, and usually actively prefer. They would probably read a post like this and be completely confused "but if you wanted me to leave why didn't you just tell me!"

and then the others do understand your hints but for whatever reason don't want to go, so ignore/pretend not to pick up on them/try to argue ways around it. In which case who cares about hurting their feelings/being rude to them, because they don't care about yours!

it's only "not simple" for people pleasers because of your own inhibitions about being considered rude - but by the time you've exhausted polite tactics, you are either dealing with people who wouldn't consider a more straightforward message rude, or with those who are already being rude themselves, so are in no position to judge you.

Just be direct.

I don't understand why you can't just say, I need you leave.. my social battery is out!

I'm one of those long stayers (I have a few friends who are similar) and others who are direct, I often say - just tell me when to go - I won't pick up on cues and I don't mind!

I have the cf to end all cfuckery. We only
k ew each other from one conversation at the schoolyard where our kids were playing and another mom introduced us then buggered off hastily. Something I didn’t notice till afterwards.

as we talked we got on well and she mentioned her washing machine was broken. I said “oh, well why not come over for coffee tomorrow and you can use the washing machine while we have a cuppa”

she showed up next day (a Saturday) and was dropped off by her mother (another red flag
ss the
mother had to drive twenty
minutes to her house to do this - but never offered the use of her own machine!). I opened my
front door to a woman, two kids and a dozen laundry bags!!!

I didn’t even know what to say to this. I think I gasped out that I thought she was bringing one load, but she breezed past me to my
machine and started loading it and said “the kids will have so much fun”

all day went by and she’d done maybe five loads. Less than half. I was getting a bit desperate to be rid, but back then I was younger and too British to be rude to a guest. I said “it’s getting late, you can leave the rest here with me and I can do it for you to pick up.” She said “no way I’ll let you do they for me, why don’t you get dinner and I’ll keep going?”

I ended up buying take away as not enough food in my fridge and wasn’t comfortable leaving a stranger I’d only known a day at home alone.

after dinner I made noises about the kids bedtime and she said “your husbands away tonight so we can just sleep over, the kids will love it and I can keep washing stuff through the night.”

she didn’t leave till 10pm Sunday when my husband got home from his tournament and physically drove her and all her laundry to her house!

to this day I’ll never know how anyone thinks a casual coffee and chat could mean a weekend being used as a laundromat!

This used to happen to me. In the end when arranging when they would call I set a time limit saying I had an appointment I would have to go out to at a certain time. x

I'd have cried with relief when she went. It's a hard lesson learnt isn't it

I'd have said "No, you're taking the piss" and shut the door on her, her kids, and her 12 bags of laundry.

She can ring her mum to take all back. Not my problem.

Try and think of positives. She helped you clean up and the kids had a great time. Maybe she just lonely at home or suffering with some mental health issues. She obviously enjoyed being with you. Next time just say befire arranging that yiy need to go see Mil and keave at 3pm. And leave if have to just drive round block and go home if have to.
I hated living on own as single mum so I’ve done that to family later struggled with extreme anxiety and grateful if company. Likewise I’ve had a good friend turn up for 9 hours at mine she was struggling and I wanted rid of her. You know what could happen now so always have an appointment at x time.