Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

I'd not know what to do in some of these situations. By the time you've had the 'wtf do I do now' thought process a CFs feet can be well and truly under the table.

I have to say. The one who gatecrashed my house for weeks is now a very successful businesswoman. It pays to be pushy I see that, just perhaps loses you friends sometimes.

I totally see that being an issue and get why it would annoy you but it’s very different to say it’s unacceptable to not leave when someone says they want you to (your scenario) and to say it’s never socially acceptable to stay beyond 4 hours unless someone invited you in advance for the full day (post I was responding to)

Either set a deadline before such as 'Looking forward to seeing you at x time, I have to be y place at this time' and remind her when she arrives OR while she's there say something like 'This has been lovely but I need to go and do x thing now, I'll walk with you to the corner (or wherever)'

I have been stung a few times but nothing as bad as some of the tales here.OMG.

One that comes to mind ...dropped my child at school and popped into local shop for a magazine.A woman who had a son in my sons class says you not at work today.I say no,going to have a cuppa and read my mag for a while then catch up on some jobs,
She says who I'll have a cuppa with you then starts walking down the street with me,ok
So she comes in about 9am,12pm she says must go and pick DD up from nursery.
About 15 mins later knock at the door,I open door and the DD runs in right past me Woman says...as she is also walking in ... I told her where I had been and she was desperate to come round.
I was gob smacked,as the DD starts emptying my sons toy box.
I'm standing there saying actually I have stuff to do.
3pm we walk to school together,me with a banging headache and feeling very pissed off.
When boys came out of school mother says to her son guess where we have been all day etc,her DS then says thats not fair I want to go.
She actually says to him ok we will pop round for a while.
I say no not today I have things to do.

Next time I'm at school pick up the three of them follow me home and at the garden gate the kids are saying we are coming to play.
I say no I'm busy. Get to my front door and the mother is behind me,when I open my door the kids run in ,I say can you get the kids I have stuff to do.
She walks in sits down and says just a quick cuppa.I didn't put the kettle on.Kids start with we are hungry,said well your mam can take you home and feed you.Anyway the kids ran wild and wrecked my house I got annoyed and said right stop letting your kids do that,right time to go.
Next morning bang bang bang on my front door.
Look out window and its them.
I open door a tiny bit and kids are trying to push it open and get in.
I say why are you here again.
Anyway after my door being kicked and hands and faces all over my windows and her standing there telling me her kids were desperate to play I lose my temper and shout I had my whole house to clean after you left yesterday,now I have windows to clean again,you stand there letting them kick my door etc etc,piss off and don't come back.
Yes I shouldn't have shouted and swore but my god imagine if I had put up with that,it would have been a daily occurrence

Some posters(including me!) Need your attitude! What a cheeky sod.

You were being kind and as normal people would never behave the way she did , could never have been expecting this to happen.

Apologies for the radio silence, Falula text me on Tuesday and I was worried she had read this thread 😳 she text saying ‘Hey, we had a really good time Sunday - sorry if it was too long a visit!’

Have actually been worried about it, but caught onto myself and figured if she had then it would serve a purpose and I should just be honest (emboldened by you lovely lot) I replied, ‘Yes it was much too long for me if I’m being honest, I prefer to keep play dates to 3-4 hours max as my social battery dies at this point, 3 hours is more than enough for the kids to play isn’t it x’

She didn’t reply for 2 days but low and behold did last night to say - ‘Really, I didn’t realise as remember you told me you said you’d had X (one of my oldest friends and her family) to stay over Christmas and you’re always out for whole day trips with blah blah’ (again my actual friends, which she would only know about from my SM!!) She immediately sent a second message following up the above with - ‘Surely your battery would have run out with them then?’

I was shocked at first, but now I’m actually really cross about it!! The people she’s talking about are my actual friends not the mum of my kids friends but she doesn’t seem to see a difference, not that it matters but I’m relaxed with them and don’t have to be ‘on’ or the host.

Forming a response after work today but would genuinely love to just say Oh fuck off Falula FUCK. OFF. I need some time to calm down first I think, I don’t want to be cruel as that is not me at all, also my DS loves her DC but I do want my boundaries set and for her to see that we’re not besties as she’s clearly trying to shoehorn her way into my life!

Just don't reply. Silence is golden.

Truly I don't think she understands about social battery. But also sounds like she's a bit hurt. And also maybe doesn't grasp that she's not the same as a close actual friend, I'd probably come back and say something like ... I'd like our kids to be able to have fun together but seriously, about 3 hours is my limit - no reflection on you! It's not the same as spending time with someone I'm close to and have known for decades (and have prearranged to spend the whole day with).

I think some people just don’t get it. My 11 hour stayer friend would also use things against me. Because I can happily sometimes do my hobby with friends for 12 hours a day. But that’s totally different. Firstly my hobby is always planned in advance. I know it’ll be 12 hours rather than a “cup of tea” that lasts 12 hours. Also for me it’s different being out doing things that being trapped in my house by someone for hours.

I'm not surprised you replied that way, given all the batshittery that went on ('this would be nice with a glass of wine' malarky).

She probably is stung a bit but honestly, I think I would consider trying to address why she wouldn't go when you said you had to get on with stuff and maybe gently - "What was all that about?" You can say you felt uncomfortable.

This.
She is a cheeky fxxker and a bit of a bully.

She is trying to shut you down.
Honestly OP, huge red flag about her.

Trying to tell you about your battery and how it should work.

This is one of those situations where you do not reply and are busy.
Sometimes the price of a childs friendship can be too high.

This is one of those situations but if you insist on continuing being involved with this CF, give it a complete rest for a few weeks.

Next time she makes any effort to engage spell out what you expect.

Stop giving a shit about politeness with her.
She's not a nice person and honestly I would completely avoid her and the children would have to get over it.
I wouldn't want my children involved there.

Lean into your anger, she's a bitch who thinks she can bully you about your own home and how long she can use you for.

If you want to text her back.

"Actually MY battery is for ME to decide. The playdate was too long and won't be happening again. How long I spent with family or close friends really is none of your business."

You really don't need to justify anything, nor reply. She's trying to 'call you out' for a crime you didn't commit. Why do you have to say to her why you do or don't do something anyway?

If you feel you want to reply, leave it a couple of days and just say, yes, that's just the way it is.

I wouldn't have this person over again nor engage in further texting. If she sends another message to meet up just always be busy and reply in a short nice way.

Agree. I wouldn't respond.

What you said doesn't match her observations, that's why she's questioning it. You said your social battery dies after 3-4 hours. Except that's not the case. Your battery with her does but with people you class as real friends and family it's different.

She didn't know that you don't view her as a friend. She's the mum of your child's friend and that's not the same. Tricky situation. I'd avoid getting further into explanations that might well throw up even more awkward questions ❤

Thefsm
to this day I’ll never know how anyone thinks a casual coffee and chat could mean a weekend being used as a laundromat!

I'm speechless. Oh that's beyond torment, not to mention a massive piss take

It's all rather Fatal Attraction "I'm not going to be ignored!" isn't it? You've said it was too long and she's taken offence and challenged you on it, "Oh, but you can manage that long with other friends, just not with ME?!"

I mean, the self reflection clearly isn't there with her. Anyone who thinks sending a message like that is okay, trying to guilt trip people into spending time with them, is likely the exact reason why people don't want to spend time with them.

I would not bother with this presumptuous fool again.

If you must respond, perhaps say "my own social life is my private business and has nothing to do with how and when I choose to facilitate (child's) play dates."

Put her in her place.

She's correct, it's her personally that you don't want to spend too long with. It's not a thing you have where your battery runs out. You're still fully in the right but I'm not sure how you explain that to her now 😂

This is super easy to fix, OP. Just cool things right down with her. No more visits to your home at all. Meet in a park if you really want to maintain any friendship.

Her behaviour and texts are tone deaf and she won't change. Just set your own (much stronger) boundaries from now.

This actually gave me anxiety just reading it 😂

It’s completely different when it’s a best friend!! Bloody hell. I went out with school mothers before Christmas and whilst it was nice and they are lovely, I wanted to leave after 2 hours coz I was knackered and felt we had run out of things to talk about. With my own friends can I just sit in silence and it doesn’t matter or even say, feck off out of my house now. She clearly doesn’t pick up on cues.
Maybe a short brief reply. “You’re bringing up examples with my oldest and best friends, of course the time I spend with them is different to the time I spend with anyone else. Anyway, our kids get on and have loads of fun, and I don’t want to stop that, so maybe let’s meet with them at …. next time. It’s nothing personal, but generally spending 9 hours on a play date is far too much”

9 hours … how wouldn’t you know that’s taking the pee!?

Wow. She really is the Christmas gift that keeps on giving isn't she??

I like the suggestion by @Sazzerss if you feel the need to reply to that last message ""Actually MY battery is for ME to decide. The playdate was too long and won't be happening again. How long I spent with family or close friends really is none of your business.""

I'd also consider putting her on a restricted viewer list for your social media, so that she can't see everything you post up about any more.

Op, I would just respond and say smthg like," I really don't need to explain myself and my preferences to you or to anyone.

XX (Christmas visitor and old friend) is one of my oldest friends and our friendship is very special."

I think some of these suggestions, while tempting, would ratchet up the hostility in a way that could end up being even more exhausting for the OP. She has to see this woman every day at the school gates and their DC's are friends.

How about: "I was trying to be polite about what timing was convenient for me on that day - it's not just about how much 'energy' I have, but the two points are related. Because I know my other friends and family so well we can be very honest with each other about what works in terms of arrangements etc and that seemed to be missing here in terms of how we were communicating? It would be a shame if we can't be honest with each other in this way as well."

So she has been looking at your SM and thinking she can argue the point?

Batshit.