Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

This reminds me of a now ex-friend who’d stayed over after a night out. After the world’s longest shower, she eventually emerged wearing a vest top (this was early November), plonked herself on my sofa and said, “It’s cold - can’t we have the heating on?”

I said I didn’t put it on this early, and we’d be leaving soon anyway (hint hint), but if she was really cold I’d lend her a jumper. She casually said, “But I don’t really wear jumpers though.” Er, you do if you’re moaning about the cold and expecting me to sort it!

Am I the inky one wondering if the friend is ok. Does seem like an awfully long time to stay at someone's house. Is there a reason she maybe didn't want to go?

This is incredible. Why couldn't she use a launderette? I hope you're a lot more assertive now and will never let anyone behave so badly again.

Thing is that this kind of thing puts you off helping anyone else in a small way once thry try and take the total piss.

OP I appreciate I am using your threat to 'content dump' now but I hope that's okay!

Another one-akin to the@sesquipedalian 's experience of 'being kidnapped' as this wasn't in my house, a similar experience to hers.

Arranged to meet friend who I don't see often for lunch and drinks. Saturday-nearest historical lovely city, sun's out. Friend lives further away from the city. Relevant is, friend has recently recovered from a stroke and has to be careful with alcohol, careful in general, dexterity isn't great. City is cobbled streets and the like but he (and I, having met him for similar things before) confident that lunch and a few drinks in the sun was more than do-able. Friend's train due at 18:00, mine are more regular as closer so I wasn't too worried about sorting out my own way back. I thought I'd have some lunch, take in the sights, few drinks then home for the evening where I'd maybe have one more glass of wine and put my feet up and and have an early night. Perfect.

Had a really lovely time. I wasn't totally sober after about 3-4 drinks but was absolutely fine, it gets to 17:00 ish and I direct us to a place to get a drink close to the station. On the way there, friend dives into a different bar and just disappears into the darkness of the room. I was a little annoyed at this but not hugely-one becuase he'd just sort of swiftly walked in and disappeared and this bar has an entry fee on a weekend so I ended up paying for both of us and 2 because he was meant to be going home, and I was winding down at this point.

Finds him in the bar, he'd got us both a drink. Drank that-It's almost 18:00. Tried to usher him to get up and out but he wanted another. I didn't-trouble is I didn't want to leave him due to aforementioned health issues! I don't know his other friends all too well but we have met up as a group before and there's a sort of unwritten understanding that whoever friend is out anywhere with looks after him.

The day (well, evening now) wasn't fun any more for me. I ended up navigating him to the station eventually where it was found that there weren't' any more trains to his town. I'd drank more than I wanted to with the guise of this being 'definitely the last one', and I definitely hadn't planned on the whole of my day and night being taken up. He said he'd get a taxi (he's not poor, but a train costing £20 ish or a taxi costing £100+ is still a daft thing to do IMO!) and I was too worried to leave him. Ended up taking him back to mine (taxi would cost roughly the same and at least he'd be safe!) where the ONLY way I finally managed to get him to call a taxi, was to pretend to go to bed.

Grr.

Now that IS bonkers. Once you knew her CF routine, why didn’t you stop offering her a beer? Why keep doing the same thing and expecting different results? And surely when you knew your brother was coming over for an important discussion, you could have told her “Not tonight” rather than hoping she’d break the habit of a lifetime and leave when it was time to sod off!

Because as another poster put it beautifully, if you don't realise they have an ulterior motive then you don't realise how far they will go to trample your boundaries.
I knew she was lonely, talkative and liked my husband's cooking. I didn't know she would fight against leaving.
Had she left when asked, as I had pre-explained to her, then no offence would have been taken and she would have been welcome to dine at ours again. She wasn't dreadful company the previous times she dined with us.
But by refusing to leave she burnt that bridge.

I so wish I could do this! I think I'd have done what OP did, said I'd sort it and drop it back to her. I'd not have had a clue what to do if that was turned down however!

'GET OUT OF MY HOUSE' just seems wrong?

@ sandrapinchedmysandwich

The only reason I said I would only do whole day excursions with the family was to ensure I never had to put up with such a situation again from this friend, and it was all I could think of on the spur of the moment. I was, for me, being extremely assertive! And as I am not in the habit of posting my life on social media, it’s not been a problem.

Reminds me of the time I invited an ex-colleague/friend round for coffee. I'd been to her place a few times to drop off a carry box for her new kittens or have a catch up, stayed literally for coffee, so assumed she would stay for one cup then go, tops an hour. Dear lord, about 5 hours later, I had to go to the yard to catch in so managed to finally get her out. She is very unaware of social cues but I was dying, kept getting up to say I must get on. Never again!

I echo what everyone else says about setting a time limit: tell her she can come until whatever time then make moves to get her gone 20 minutes before.

Having experienced this kind of person, I hazard a guess that the whole being at the poster's house wasn't about the washing problem which obviously could've been sorted at a launderette. CF wanted a house, company, someone to see to the kids, coffees and teas and company in a warm place ... For as long as she wanted..

Then I’ve misunderstood. Your initial post mentioned her deliberately taking a long time over her beer and dragging out conversations so that she was still there at dinner time. Based on that, I assumed this was something you wanted to stop, which was why I wondered why you kept offering her beer when she came over.

tbh I feel at some point you have to take ownership for examples this extreme

yes, of course, no reasonable person would interpret your (very kind) offer of a coffee and implied ONE load of laundry as 'stay the night and do 12 bags full'
but equally there aren't many people who would LET someone else do 12 rounds of laundry in their house, sleepover with their kids and buy them a takeaway! that is a really extreme lack of boundaries. That's not being "too British" that's being a complete doormat.

If you lie on the floor don't be surprised if people walk over you!

but that's too late, the best time to mention it is as soon as she arrived and you clocked the bags:

"Sorry, there might have been a miscommunication. I meant you could come over for an hour or so and do one load of washing as a favour in an emergency. I'm afraid there's no way I can afford to do that many loads, you know the price of water and electric at the moment! Besides we have plans this afternoon."

or a jokey "haha Sue, what's all that! I meant you could do one load of washing, you muppet! You'd better stick the rest back in your mum's car before she drives off!"

What can she say?
If she asks where you're going "meeting up with a family member"
"Oh I could stay in the house" "No sorry I don't feel comfortable with that, besides like I said I can't afford to do any more washes."
"Oh but the kids are having so much fun" "Yes, they've had a great time, we'll have to do it again." (obviously not!)
"But there's nobody to pick me up" "Sorry, we really have to leave. The bus stop is down the road or I have the number for a taxi."

And those are just the polite answers, after the first refusal I personally would have moved onto, "Sorry Sue but to be honest I can't believe you honestly thought it would be appropriate to bring twelve bags of washing to my house. That's insane. We don't even know each other. I'm sorry your machine is broken but I offered to help with one load as an emergency favour and you must realise that bringing 12 bags is completely taking the piss. You'll have to take the rest to a laundrette or ask your mum to use her machine."

What is the worst that could happen? That a cheeky fucker, whom you aren't friends with anyway, doesn't want to be your friend. Great, you've dodged a bullet!

Did they have form for this? I am not that wet I wouldn't have felt able to say, I'm sorry we've got to get on with the moving now. Looking forward to showing you our new home!

But I mean - how did the two totally unreasonable adults find each other?! Lucky for them they did (hope they're not spawning more CFs though.)

Regarding @Thefsm 's laundry story.

Big difference for me between socialising that goes on forever and tasks. I would not have allowed this.

YABU. I struggle with social cues and am probably someone who overstays when everyone’s clearly having a good time.

7pm is later than I’d stay, but I do think you could have said, in earshot of friend “right kids, I’m putting the dinner on for Sam in 20 mins so guys, 30mins left and then we’ll have to say goodbye”.

Or next time you text her to invite her round, let her know that it’s for a few hours max “hey, would you like to come round next Thursday morning? We have plans in the afternoon, so come round for 10-12?”

Sorry but it's totally unreasonable to stay at someone's house for nine hours!
Unless it's specifically been said, i.e. - "why don't you just stay for the whole day?" - then a few hours - (I'd say 3 or 4, absolute max, especially with kids around getting overstimulated/tired etc) - should just be automatically understood.

Even though you may struggle with social cues that's no reason to stay for 9 hours. No cues should be needed!

And "when everyone's clearly having a good time..." - the OP clearly wasn't having a good time by the sounds of it...

WTF! You let a stranger sleep in your house? This is as much about you as it is them, it’s not normal to allow this to happen.

We’re not all the same though! Saying it’s not acceptable - what does that mean? That it’s not acceptable to YOU but clearly it was to the friend. So it’s not a fact that it’s unacceptable, it’s a commonly held belief. If it’s not a fact, then people need to communicate.

People who can’t read social cues aren’t horrible. They dont mean harm to their friends - obviously! They just don’t read the room in the same way. I’d expect friend thought everyone was having a good time, and with no other plans, didn’t think to leave.

No big deal, OP can just make it clearer next time.

I would have asked her for some money towards the electric she used , but there is no way I would have allowed 12 bags of laundry to be done . She must have gone through a whole bottle of washing liquid and fabric softener . If so I would have asked her for the money for that too !

People who can’t read social cues aren’t horrible. They dont mean harm to their friends - obviously! They just don’t read the room in the same way. I’d expect friend thought everyone was having a good time, and with no other plans, didn’t think to leave.

Yes this. I find it very hard to "read between the lines". Every phrase I have to learn the meaning of, it doesn't come naturally. Took me a long while to learn that "Must you go?" actually means "You should have gone half an hour ago". It's bad enough going through life as if I'm learning a foreign language phrase by phrase without having people accuse me of being a CF, or suggesting I've simply got a devious plan to use someone else's heating. I'm not a horrible person. I have friends that I've had for decades. My life would be so much easier if people could be direct. But I know it's my problem not theirs.

Yanbu to find 9 hours too much, YABU not to have said so!
Falulu didn't do anything wrong, she just must have a different social battery and didn't pick up on your signals.

You give your initial nudge (What time were you planning on heading home?/Shall we get the kids to tidy up now?)
If she responds with "actually we can stay as long as you want!", you say "it's been lovely! I've got a bit of admin/cleaning to do/promised I'd give my mum a ring/need a lie down this afternoon(basically any task she can't rebuff and won't want to join in!). You're welcome to stay for another cup of tea but after that we'll need to be getting on."
If she then says "but you said you were free all day" that's CF territory and you can say yes, when you arranged it you didn't have anything booked at a specific time but you do need to get on with things.

My friends sometimes come round for an unspecified time or even an intended morning play date and stay all day. I sometimes do same at theirs. We will cook together, take turns making coffees or getting drinks, sorting out any requests from the kids etc. If there are some household jobs to do we potter on and do them while chatting. It can be a real win/win. The kids are having fun and are occupied, we get a hand with sorting work out and have some company, only one lot of heating/cooking etc. Why is it socially unacceptable to hang out all day if the kids are having fun? I’d think no ill at all of someone staying through the day and into the evening. Also if you want some down time/have had enough I struggle to understand why you wouldn’t just say that. It’s surely not rude to say “I’ve had a fab time but I’m tired and I need a bit of alone chill out time so let’s wrap up today and catch up again another time” or similar. If someone said that to you would you be offended or upset?

See my overstaying friend wouldn’t understand me saying that and would repeatedly ask WHY her being there makes a difference to my day? She would just keep repeating that I can just “ignore her” and do whatever I want. She’d tell me I can “relax tomorrow” or “in a few hours when she’s gone” (which has been 10pm in the past so no time left!!)

I couldn’t care less what others do. Other people can stay at each others houses all day and night! But those that enjoy doing it should just be aware that others might not.

@Thefsm - more fool you to be honest. There is a whole sector where people have huge washing machines and dryers and can do laundry by the kilo....a laundrette. And they charge other people to use their service. I can't imagine why you didn't say when you opened the door "Oh, I thought there was only one or two loads, I can't possibly do more than that for you" but as the saying goes, you live and learn