I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

That's a positive update. I hope that you can work through everything and come to an agreement that works for both of you.
Good luck with it all.

Giving up work you've put your heart and soul into and is unfinished. That's really hard.
Could you stay behind to complete and then take up the role or are you looking at a few years? If academic or other research, have you really explored what your options are? I have a cousin who returned home overseas to take up a new role but as part of that had a commitment that he be back in London for a few days a month as part of his research/clinic commitment. Flights from SA are pricey obviously but the time zone and the overnight flights makes it much more doable than other locations.

This sounds positive OP.

Is there any possibility of delaying your start date there so you can complete the projects here that you wanted to?

In your position I'd also be analysing the relationship as a whole and perhaps discussing with a close friend. If this is part of a wider pattern, it's important to understand and address that. Moving to the other side of the world will presumably take you away from your support network, so I'd be hesitant to do it for a partner who had a pattern of ignoring my needs.

OP I agree with PP that he might be manipulating you by offering to give up the job. I think you should call his bluff.

Tell him you’ve thought about it and you don’t want to go, you want to take him up on the offer of him cancelling it. See what he does. If he opens his laptop and starts typing an email, you can then hit pause and say actually let’s take more time thinking. If he starts backtracking and saying “I need more time to decide” or anything else, well, you have your answer. It was an empty offer.

I TOTALLY agree with this @justwantavirtualhug I think he is (continuing to) manipulate you because the "sincerely contrite/apologetic" approach is more likely to get you to cave in and agree to what he wants. You won't know if it is real or all a meaningless act unless you test it. Tell him you are taking him up on his offer to reject the job and stay, and see how he reacts. If he turns nasty you’ll know you had a lucky escape. If he genuinely meant it and starts to follow through, you can still change your mind and ask him to pause while you reconsider together. I have seen this tactic play out so often in my own family sadly, it's a classic emotional abuse tactic. I know its hard to face up to this as a possibility, but much better to know now before you give up everything that matters to you and you find yourself in another country, where you will really need to be able to trust him and rely on him.

OP, go into a quiet room, breathe, and listen to your gut. If it says no, don't do it and vice versa. Don't think about your partner and what he wants. Listen to yourself. Your intuition will tell you.

@stmmary

He probably thought you'd be that wonderful supportive wife as he would with you in your career.

Except he wouldn't, would be? Because they had a discussion specifically about the impact a move would have on her career and he agreed that doing exactly what he's now attempting to pressure her into doing would 'screw up her career.' See below:

We had previously discussed doing this "one day", and agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner.

@Z0rr0

They say you don't regret the things you do, only the things you don't do.

You don't think people ever regret a big decision they've made?

Gosh.

Do you think he will give up his dream job offer?

@Venicelagoon

If you both had discussed going abroad before your husband may think you had discussed it.

Well yes, they did discuss it. And he agreed that to go now would 'screw up' her career.

We had previously discussed doing this "one day", and agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner.

Yet he still went ahead.

I'm unsure as to why people are being so generous in their descriptions of what he's done. Especially when they've literally discussed it before.

I'm absolutely not saying this is wrong. But wow, what a difficult thing to have to contemplate doing with the person you married. How much trust would already have been pushed to its limit. How much processing to get to that stage. OP I do feel for you.

Like @JingsMahBucket says, talking to your RL friends and family sounds like a really good idea. Not only do they know you, but they know him.

Go! And don't look back - you will most certainly have the time of your life.

OP has unfortunately not given the time line of when "several years away" was discussed, only that it was discussed. Opportunity must have arisen for husband however and impossible to tell at what point.
'

Do you not think that based on OP's current shock and her very valid concern about her career, it was very much not supposed to be any time soon based on their last conversation about it?

Easy for you to say when the OP has a manipulative husband who wants her to give up her family, friends and career for a permanent move and he didn't discuss with her until he had the offer.
He's a CF on a grand scale.

You're going through a very complex and emotional situation with thoughtfulness and grace. I'm glad this thread has been a source of support for you during such a challenging time. It’s encouraging to hear that both your employer and husband are being understanding and open to working through this with you. Wishing you clarity and balance as you explore the options and move forward. You are now in a position of strength.

Gosh, OP, just read your latest update and things sounds a lot better — still, obviously, a massive dilemma for you in particular but also for him. I'm pleased to hear that he's apologised and can see how damaging to you this lack of forethought and judgment has been. These are positive signs.

I guess now it's a matter of working your way incrementally to a position that feels like it could be a win-win situation for you both, and the news about the employer and their enthusiasm about you may make that easier.

It's not going to be easy. Even if the plans you'd talked about had worked as you'd anticipated, the situation wouldn't be easy. When two ambitious people with their own career aspirations get together, there's always going to be stress and one or the other partner is going to have to compromise.

Have you already planned where you want to be/ what you want to be doing/ what you want to be earning for the next 20 years? Might be worth thinking about, but only if you understand that they're only plans, life happens and disrupts them and even if you've planned something, it may still be hard and painful to bring it to fruition.

Good luck to you both.

@UndergroundOvergroundWomblingFreeby

I actually lived through a very similar situation. So it's not that easy for me to say. My husband also applied for a foreign job that I'd asked him to wait for. He went against me. I was upset BUT it was the best thing that happened to our family and is/was the most amazing, life changing/enriching thing to do. I'd always tell anyone to go for a foreign move.

I'd always tell anyone to make any decisions as a team, do risk assessment and due diligence and to make the choice that suits them. DH and I took a foreign job and, despite it being a team effort and decision and doing it for a very good reason it went badly. it was definitely life changing but not in a good way and not enriching at all. I really don't think people should base their advice soley on their own experiences. Did he actually lie to you and keep it a secret?

Yes to all of this.

He has been deceitful for a considerable length of time here, and to everyone concerned in this business.

Nobody gets a massive promotion abroad without undergoing numerous interviews, and without telling a lot of lies to the people interviewing him about your willingness to up sticks and move.

Now you've got more of an idea what this all entails, OP, I'd open up to your family and friends. In truth, they'll guide you far more than all of we can. They love you and have your best interests at heart.

Agree it would be good to involve friends and family to get their perspective.
Not sure it's a given they can help far more... My mum and dad love me and have my best interests at heart... But they are also clueless and have given me some of the worst and most damaging advice of my life. 🤣

But I think anyone could confidently say they will add an additional perspective that will help you take a more rounded view than without. How much store you put in their point of view depends on you and them.

I'll also have to give up some unfinished major pieces of work that I've invested my heart and life into. There are new opportunities over in SA for sure, and if I had no job or a job I didn't like I'd be delighted to go for it, but I can't overstate how much these losses will hurt (emotionally and in terms of my career going forward).

I'm glad you're communicating with your husband now (or rather, he is with you). But is this not key?

Will the projects you'd hate to leave be finished anytime soon? If so you could perhaps go later than your spouse.

I've given my adult child excellent advice, even if they havent always realised it at the time. I've also given them advice that turned out to be less good. They make up their own mind whether to follow it but it's a different perspective and makes them think more deeply.