I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

I’d be tempted to do it as a bit of a life experiment if no kids involved.
BUT only after he fully acknowledges that this wasn’t right to keep from you and you must make all decision together from this point forward. It was him not realising this that’s the problem for your marriage but it’s an opportunity to fix it.

Plus - one life, etc give it a whirl

He probably thought you'd be that wonderful supportive wife as he would with you in your career.

He's asking her to give up her job for one someone else has chosen for her.

If you think that's 'supportive' then what is wrong with OP saying no?

as I understand it, the "all decisions together: thing was already in place. For me in a marriage, its a given anyway. He didn't "not realise" either....he lied about it

I couldn't agree more!! You've absolutely hit the nail on the head there.

Incredibly narcissistic and underhand, considering it didn't occur to him to brainstorm the idea with you first, or even so much as do you the courtesy of mentioning it in passing! Unbelievable.
Begs the question - how well do you truly know him?!!

What a load of...

Lost for words.

I wonder if the posters saying It is a great opportunity or give it a shot or only one life have ever actually emigrated. It isn't like going on holidays or even an extended travel year. It is hard work moving to an entirely different country and culture and establishing yourself there. It is hard work living in a different language even if you are fluent in it. It is hard to establish new friendships as an adult. It is hard to be away from family and your old friends. Yes you get to look at different scenery and eat different food - and maybe - definitely for the husband here - have a great work opportunity you wouldn't have had at home. but in the end you are doing what people are trying to do all over the world - work, keep a home, have friendships, maybe a marriage - it is the same life just a different location and it is bloody hard to uproot and create that life in a new and foreign place. There would want to be a lot in it for you personally.

Emotional blackmail. From a stranger. Gawdalmighty.

I think you are probably right. I suspect a lot of those posters also don’t have successful, fulfilling careers of their own and don’t appreciate what OP is being asked to give up.

i have done it and you are totally right. We did it as a jointly discussed jointly planned and agreed project from the get go and it was still bloody hard.

They say you don't regret the things you do, only the things you don't do. Although I can see it is upsetting that he has done this without discussing it with you and that probably needs addressing, I would go with him and see what the new life and opportunity brings. Who knows how things will turn out but it has to be worth a try because what if it leads to an amazing new life? You won't know until you try it. I wouldn't see this as conceding to him but more embracing a new adventure and keeping your relationship to boot.

They say you don't regret the things you do, only the things you don't do

So if she goes, she's going to regret not continuing in her job?

Or go and regret not getting divorced instead.

Why would her life be amazing and new in South America? Simply by being in South America??

Plenty of people regret the things they have done. There are at least 2 posters on this thread alone who have said they regret moving for their husbands.

They say you don't regret the things you do, only the things you don't do

Of course you can regret doing things. Otherwise rhe whole concept of making a mistake wouldn't exist. And we would do all kinds of stupid things because, well, you're not going to regret it, are you?

"They" say a ton of bullshit.

Sounds like this could be an academic job situation, probably in the United states not southern America (given OP has said she changed details)
Sometimes academic jobs at US colleges will give a less prestigious teaching job to a trailing spouse. Less common than it used to be, but still happens and they wouldn't need to directly talk to the spouse.

They say what?
I say platitudes and hallmark schmaltzy sentiments are trite and misguided and not an instruction

So, if you are thinking of having kids and would like to spend time with them when they are young, it wouldn't be a bad decision to prioritise your husband's career if it means getting a good salary that benefits you both.

If you are thinking of having children, I'd really encourage you to find a man to father them who has demonstrated that he treats you as an equal with equal decision making power in your relationship shop.

If also encourage you to find a partner who even before you have any career damaging children, treats your career as if equal importance to his own.

And consider that, if you chose a man who takes decisions unilaterally , what other decisions he may take without reference to you until it is too late. Sending DC home to board?

What a silly post. The OP has her own life, and her own career. She doesn’t want to be a trailing spouse being given a little job to facilitate the appointment of her DH in a move halfway around the world she wasn’t consulted on.

If you want to trot out baseless Hallmark platitudes, feel free to marry someone and trail dutifully around the world after him without consultation or concern about your own life and work, and see how you feel about it.

The bit in bold was me quoting another post (that's the traditional way of doing it on MN). I quoted it to point out how stupid it is - we're all "not doing" millions of different things at every minute of our lives!

Hi everyone, I really appreciate all the many thoughts and comments, and sorry for being a bit quiet for a day or two - it's been a lot to process. I've been reading all the posts and thinking a lot. You've all been really helpful, across the whole spectrum from "LTB" to "be a supportive wife and just do it", because it's helped me start working out where I stand.

I think the biggest things that have landed for me are:

• I'm not wrong to feel manipulated and my feelings are valid (big thank you for this one, it was needed)
• I need to separate my anger about how he has gone about this from how I feel about the opportunity (this one is the main reason I've been quiet and thinking things over - still thinking)
• We needed to have a stern conversation about how all this has been dreadful and it's potential splitting up territory (have had a couple of these and I feel it's been fully appreciated)

I'm honestly not sure yet if I want to go, because it's going to be bloody hard and will badly affect my work. For those who asked about whether I could go remote, or otherwise somehow keep my job or one like it: I can't do my current job over there, it's literally impossible. I'll also have to give up some unfinished major pieces of work that I've invested my heart and life into. There are new opportunities over in SA for sure, and if I had no job or a job I didn't like I'd be delighted to go for it, but I can't overstate how much these losses will hurt (emotionally and in terms of my career going forward).

Still thinking, and appreciating all of you.

Good to hear from you OP. I'm sure you've thought of this, but would it be possible for you to stay here to finish those big pieces of work and then follow on at a later date?

Could you finish those pieces of work and follow in a year say?

Please please please don't go.
Let him go, see if you can maintain the relationship long distance, give it maybe 6 months and then review how it's going and whether you are willing to follow him there.
You really mustn't leave your job at this point based on what you've said.

Good to see your update. You are obviously trying to stay level headed and at the same time, not dismissive of your own feelings.

What about asking him to apply for different positions with full consultation with you from the get go. It would then feel like a teamwork decision.

The job that’s been offered to you is almost like your DH’s second job (part of his employment package) because you didn’t apply for it or have interviews like is normally done. That would bother me a lot personally. The staff there might treat you differently, if it’s known about.