I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Is staying here in the short term an option? See how he gets on, travel over a few times and get the feel of the place before you commit?

Nope, otherwise you wouldn't have hoped that she would go off with a deceitful liar!

So how would you think she should deal with the lies and deceit?

By declining the existing job offer that was done without her input or consultation and starting the overseas job search again as a team.

Something like that won’t be forgotten and the resentment, especially if the new life in South America doesn’t live up to expectations has the potential to poison the marriage. Whereas with a jointly decided project there is less scope for that to happen.

I live abroad and I think some posters are starry eyed about the adventure and “living a new life”.

It really is the same life’s problems but in a shinier bucket. I would definitely not overlook the marital issues of the secretive behaviour and maintain the bar that you want.

He might resent you if you don't give it a try.
Well if he does resent her, he's got a cheek. What he's done is out of order. It appears he has form as he has 'main character syndrome' ie a selfish and inconsiderate twat.

If you divorce him he can fuck off to another country and you can stay put and have the opportunity to meet someone who isn't a manipulative narcissist.

OP, you are taking a very measured approach to this, and I applaud you for being so level headed. I hope your DH appreciates that you are giving him so much more consideration than he gave you.

One thing that would have been rage inducing for me was his comment of “it’s unfair of you to make him choose between his marriage and his career”. I hope that you in no uncertain terms pointed out that this is exactly what he did to you, yet he thinks it’s unfair when you turned it around on him.

i wish you all the best OP. He has certainly put you in a difficult position, not just due to getting an overseas job and expecting you to sacrifice your career to be the trailing spouse, but the shattering of your trust that you are in a partnership with him and also that he hasn’t felt the need to share the exciting recruitment journey with you.

Thank you everyone. I haven't talked to my friends or family about this yet, so this thread has really been helping me to work through some of the very up and down emotions I'm experiencing (as you can see, I'm up thinking about this in the middle of the night again).

I've had an initial talk with the employer, who I've realised are genuinely excited to have me come over - I'd be bringing skills and knowledge that they don't have and that they're keen to acquire, and they're enthusiastic about me specifically for various reasons. That has helped as I feel less like I'm just being hired as a sweetener to my husband. I've been open with them about how this has been a surprise to me and that I need some time to think about whether I can take the post, grateful as I am (and I did say how grateful I genuinely am for their generous offer). They are being brilliant and very understanding. One of them even jokingly said "so your husband needs to choose between the job or his wife", which in context meant they were rather worried that this wouldn't come off in the job's favour (my husband had the decency to look embarrassed during this conversation!).

Most importantly, I think: While I'm glad I'm coming across level-headed here, I did get angry with my husband and outlined all the reasons why this was a crappy thing to do to me (this thread really helped to articulate them). I think he hadn't really realised the implications, as he was really upset on my behalf when I explained what it would mean for me. He has apologised a great deal for handling it all very poorly and for not talking to me sooner, he's accepted that whatever happens nothing like this can ever happen again, and he's offered not to take the job. At one point he was insisting that he shouldn't take it, though I said steady on - that I just want to have a conversation as equals with all possibilities on the table. We're now exploring options including some compromises that would allow him to keep the once-in-a-lifetime offer, but with me hanging onto things that I value and hopefully also accepting the new offer for me in some form. I'm not saying we're out of the woods yet but there is a bit of daylight visible.

Thank you yet again. I felt so alone and you have all really helped me.

That sounds very good OP. Take your time and work out how you feel.

Hoping everything works out for you op xx

One of them even jokingly said "so your husband needs to choose between the job or his wife", which in context meant they were rather worried that this wouldn't come off in the job's favour (my husband had the decency to look embarrassed during this conversation!).

He was embarrassed when someone from his workplace pointed it out. He wasn't embarrassed when his wife pointed it out. Whose point of view does he respect?

I think he hadn't really realised the implications, as he was really upset on my behalf when I explained what it would mean for me.

Are you sure? Because he knew you would have reservations and he tried to hide the plan and then shut you down. He knew there were going to be implications and he didn't want to talk about them. He's apologetic because you refused to be shut down.

He's accepted that whatever happens nothing like this can ever happen again

Hm, I hope that means that he doesn't ever hide things from you in future, not that he hides them better.

I'm sure his employers are genuinely excited to get you. Who wouldn't be? But do you actually want to give up your career to do this? And what are they willing to give you in return? I've sat on interview panels. Prospective employers say all kinds of shit when it suits them. Enthusiasm is cheap and however much they may want you they didn't approach you directly, this came about because they want to move your DH. You need to be cold eyed about this and negotiate hard for what you want from them as well as from your husband.

At one point he was insisting that he shouldn't take it, though I said steady on - that I just want to have a conversation as equals with all possibilities on the table.

Does he work in sales? He'd be genius.

You sound great, OP, and you clearly have your head screwed on. May I just add that I think this decision is just too big for you to try and make on your own. In your position I would look for a therapist with experience of working with professional couples (there will be MNers who can give you recommendations if you post on the relevant boards) and have some individual and joint sessions to help you find your way through this and make the decision that works for you. Don't move across the world for a man with untreated 'main character syndrome'; he's contrite now but this pattern of behaviour will repeat without intervention.

I wish you all the best

(PS my "who wouldn't be?" was genuine - re-reading it sounds a bit snarky, sorry! Your attitude to your career and your progression do sound impressive and if I was them I would want you. But the job I have to offer might not really be what you want or need.)

I 'm glad there is a lueur if light.

I'm sorry to go down this path, but please consider in the mix, the scenario if he goes without you & the plan is for you follow eventually, or you go periodically.. & he "is lonely" & finds a new (girl) friend.
(Unfortunately this is a big classic)

This may sound pessimistic, but the trailing wife is usually the one that gets hurt.

Also as an expat myself married to a local, (& I do speak the language fluently ) it can be very very isolating . I know a plethora of local women, both in my work & social life & after 30 odd years my real girl friends are English. Due to language. culture, humour, & heritage,
Being an Expat means being in a little (sometimes despised) clique. Which can suit some people from inside their fish bowl

Do you even speak the local lingo ?

Oh OP, I’m glad you’re feeling better but it sounds like you’re just going to follow him and give up all the things that matter to you. He was always going to apologise and contextualise his selfishness until you bent to his will about this. He wants what he wants, and what you want - well that wasn’t a major factor for him.

Sorry.

I agree. I feel like op is bending herself over to fit into her dh vision. Why subjects yourself to this misery you did not ask for? why give up your secure job that you enjoy and friends and family connections to move to a new continent to a job you sound lukewarm about?

I think he is manipulating you. Offering to give up the job as a way to make you feel guilty and keep inching towards his preferred option of having his new job and also being with you.

Oh OP, I'm glad you're feeling better about the situation. From the outside he clearly comes across as very manipulative, and even more so now. I hope you make the best decision for yourself, based on what you want. If that decision is partly about making his dream happen and maintaining your marriage, that is fair enough. But you are the only one making decisions prioritising the latter; his focus is on himself. You described him as prone to main character syndrome and to being thoughtless, even before he did this. He will do what he wants and your big choices will always be between falling in line with him, or leaving. Lots of people are happy with that kind of relationship, some of them giving their perspective on here, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. But is that you?

What if he won't? I mean he's got his dream job offer, she doesn't want to go yet.

Good update op.
His reaction is the saving grace here isn't it.

If he downplayed it and stuck to his 'you're selfish to block my opportunity' line then I think it would be Total Git territory.

At least he's realised and accepted he's totally fucked up (very bright guy being offered incredible job you say? Weird how this world works isn't it).

Basically your conversation has reset the normal process of this decision back to the beginning, right where it should have been all along if he hadn't been a total knob about it.

He couldn't have made this bolt from the blue - which could be amazing or awful or just a tough decision - any more difficult... So whichever way you jump he's got some making up to do for all the distress he's caused.

Edited for typos

@AmaryllisNightAndDay 👏👏👏

And whatever your emotional pull tells you, or your career aspirations mean...
You still need to make sure you're not trapped there.
If all your life becomes dependent on your relationship with him, because you're on a trailing spouse visa etc, you'll have fewer options if things go belly up...
If you go you need to look into the legal implications and try to go in your own right (legally speaking) so you keep your autonomy.

Thanks for updating us OP.

Ultimately I suppose it's not just what he says, but what he actually does by way of compromise. And I'd be wanting some sort of exit strategy/break clause.

You know the saying it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission? Better meaning more likely to get you what you want, broadly - it increases your power at the expense of other people's, and that has happened here despite him now offering to turn it down. With the main character syndrome you mention it still feels a bit icky to me, like this is just step 2 in his project. But none of us know him whereas you clearly know him very well, know your own priorities and have got your head screwed on.

@justwantavirtualhug I would start talking to friends and family about this situation to help you process the emotions. They may flag other topics that are not covered here since they know you better than we do.