I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

The issue for me would be he was either entirely unaware of the impact on the work you’ve put your “heart and life” into, or he knew full well and decided his wants and needs trumped yours anyway. I couldn’t get past either of those things personally, but I wish you luck navigating the decision.

Glad your H seems to understand the enormity of the way he’s gone about this. I would be inclined to agree with pp who say, let him go ahead while you complete the pieces of work you have invested so much in, and then join him if you want to.

In terms of both your careers, this seems to me like the compromise position. He has moved the timeline to suit him without considering you, and so his compromise is that he has to go and set up there without your help, in order not to jeopardise your career. If he supports your career this should be acceptable to him.

In terms of how he went about the whole application process, my response would be very dependent on how he has reacted to your hurt and anger. If he continued to obfuscate about his reasons for being secretive, as you described initially, I would be much less inclined to support the move at all, but if he is genuinely remorseful and understands why you’re so upset, there would be grounds to work through it.

Good luck. I’m interested to know how you get on and what you decide because it’s always instructive to see how others work through enormous challenges like this.

Thank you for updating @justwantavirtualhug . I've been thinking of you a lot. I'm glad you've had those hard conversations, and I very much hope that he's recognised the enormity of his actions and is regretful and apologetic.
From what you've said, I don't think you'd ever be able to come to terms with walking away from your role at this point. What a horrible situation to be in.

If you can bear to come back at some point to update us further, please do. I think this is one of those OPs that is going to stay with me for a long time. But whatever your decision, I wish you well.

Is he contemplating not going at all because that would be huge for me the fact that it is a joint decision and weighing up both sides

could you come back and finish the major works?
or once you go is that it or if it does not work out could you come back

Why is his career more important than yours? Is his career held back as much by staying than yours would be by going? It sounds possible that the net loss to the two careers will be less if you stay, more if you go. So why would this be a good thing.

Is "his dream job" minus "his current job" really dramatically more than "your current job" minus "the consolation job for you"? Or is it actually the same or less?

Please put your career first. It’s your security, the one thing you can rely on atm.

You're merely asking your dh to maintain the status quo, he’s asking you to give up your current life.
That’s not fair is it?

This sounds awful, but it has to be a consideration.....what happens if the company in South America don't like your husband's work and his job doesnt work out ? It's possible. You will need to keep your base here in case that happens.

Good to hear from you again, OP. I'm one of those who've said that you'll never be able to get the timing/ opportunities right for both of you simultaneously — so presuming you do intend to stay together, what could you do to ensure that you get the best deal for you? I'm assuming he's intent on taking up this opportunity.

As @BarbaraHoward suggests, that might include staying here in the UK to complete the major projects you're working on and finish any training you're doing. That period of separation may help you decide whether you want to be together or whether, actually, this is a natural end to your marriage. It will also give him time to settle in somewhere new, focus solely on his work and get things up and running, which I'm guessing might have been a burden that would have fallen to you. He won't have to worry about you, your new work, whether you're happy or not. It could be a win-win situation for you both. Good luck with finding what's right for you.

I think you are quite right OP to think very carefully. I hope you come to a solution that feels right to you.

What is your husband’s stance on it? Will he go regardless of whether you come? That will say a lot about how important you are to him. If he says he’ll stay if you do, only then would I consider going with him and forgiving the manipulation.

Just re-read your last update and there's no way on earth I would go. He hasn't considered you at all. Why should your life be so badly affected by his decisions? He's acted really badly. Having said that at the moment I would look at it that you both want different things. If you're happy with a long distance relationship then send him on his merry way and you carry on doing your job here. If you don't want a long distance relationship then just tell him you're not going and he has to make his mind up.

It sounds like you are both hugely invested in your careers which is commendable - obviously I don't know what you do but from what you're saying it sounds like (for both of you?) there's a meaning and self-worth attached to what you do that goes beyond money and status.

I'm not suggesting this is what you should do, but it's a valid position for either or both or you to value your career above your relationship - that could mean that you're willing to live apart, or to split up, for the sake of both of you continuing to do what you love. That doesn't mean to say that you don't also appreciate and love each other, but that you might be willing to make that sacrifice, difficult as it would be.

(that does not excuse your DH's behaviour in terms of how he went about this, but I think you're right in your thinking to try to set apart how you resolve your understandable anger vs. how you consider the best decision for the future).

On the flip side - I wouldn't let yourself be burdened by the idea that a woman with a successful career of her own shouldn't be sacrificing that for her partner, or that you'd be "meekly" following him. It's your life, you don't have to feel like a standard bearer for feminism or something. The right decision might be that you move for him or that he stays for you. Both are fine.

Basically - don't make a decision because you feel you "ought" to be making it. Something of value gets sacrificed in this one way or the other, you just have to individually and mutually decide what you value the most.

Is there any option for him to go and a) find out if it's the right choice for him and b) you to stay here and carry on whilst you view whether or not it could be the right choice for you?

"there's no way on earth I would go. He hasn't considered you at all. Why should your life be so badly affected by his decisions?"

I think this is the worst possible way of thinking - the on principle "fuck you".

If the deceit of the whole thing is too big a betrayal to move past, that's one thing - and really spells the end of the relationship either way. That could be the case - OP said DH suffers from "main character syndrome", maybe this is a strain of selfishness that she's seen repeated and this is the final straw.

Maybe not, and they can move past it.

A generous interpretation of DH not discussing it would be that he was lowering the stakes for himself - if this is really his big dream but a real long-shot there's an argument that he didn't want to have those big "should I apply?", "what would I do if I got it?" conversations with OP because he didn't want to invest too much hope in it. Maybe he convinced himself "I'll never get it, I'll just apply for the experience" just to avoid getting emotionally invested. I don't want to make excuses for him and clearly he has gone about this badly and it's caused a lot of distress but there's a spectrum here from "thoughtless" to "absolute asshole" that OP needs to work out for herself.

You’ve said a lot about work but what stall the other aspects of life? Friends? Family? Potentially kids? Health and hobbies? What would your life look like out there long term, and will it be better for you in any ways than what’s on offer now?x

If you both had discussed going abroad before your husband may think you had discussed it. I think he will resent you if you don't give it a try. At the moment I have stepgrandson who has just gone on a 5 month trip to Thailand and Australia with 2 friends and the other stepgrandson is going to Australia for 2 years with girlfriend who has job arranged out there by company they both work for. Neither seem worried about getting work either when they get there or if and when they come back, but they are young people without any commitments whatsoever.

I would struggle to get beyond my other half's underhandedness, particularly if he gave me an 'I forgot' brush off as though this is of no great significance.

As well as everything else about my own career, relocating so far etc. I'd have concerns about accepting a job that I would lose, should my other half lose their position.

I've taken a career hit recently, cut down my hours to help care for my husbands housebound parents. His salary is a lot more so it made more sense. His Dad passed away in November and his Mum has really deteriorated so I don't have any regrets. I was not pressured and was fully on board. Family and time with them is more important to me than my career. But I would not be throwing a bomb on my career for someone that barely gave me a second thought when it came to his career. No matter what the opportunities were, I feel he needs to win back your trust before you move across the globe with him. Good luck in whatever you decide Op.

@LaLatina You don't actually know what OP wants any more than I do. All I'm doing is suggesting she look for the opportunity and see if it might be a positive rather than a marriage ending obstacle.
You could just say you see it differently and not be a dick about it. It's not a schmaltzy Hallmark platitude, it's a common truism: better to regret something you did than something you didn't do, encouraging people to try new challenges.
But only OP knows her own situation and what the best decision is for her.

And again, its the lying and secrecy that would dealbreak for me.

Except that you have totally ignored the lies and deceit

I’m yelling DON’T DO IT! in my head.

You don’t want any of this. Your life here sounds really happy and meaningful.
He doesn’t store any information in his head about what you want and need.

He should make this decision all by himself. Let the chips fall where they may as they say.

Good to hear your update.

I am in a position of having moved abroad for a 3 year contract then meeting someone and setting for life. At the time I thought that I was giving up a career I loved. But the relationship was more important at the time. In your position, because I love travel, I would be excited about the idea of learning about a new country, e.g. if it is S America - all those countries that you have more access to.

However:
In a previous post I have suggested not selling up until you are sure about your move. If and when you do decide to move, better to have your home to move back to.

I also agree with those who have said that you should finish off your projects. That would give your partner time to decide if the new life is something that will work for him.

The tiny niggle is that I agree that having a post 'gifted' to you without the need to interview may well inspire jealousy from potential colleagues. That has certainly happened in the setting I worked.

I hope that you can work it out. I really want to think that you make the move.

How would you deal with the lies and deceit?

I have not considered that have I !!!! I am not sure how I would feel.