To be sad husband didn’t give me anything for Christmas and is still being defensive?

[TABadger]

So on Boxing Day, we are opening presents, we get through all presents and I still not seen one from my DH.

There’s one gift bag left under tree and I ask is that mine from you? He says no it’s his secret Santa from his work. [Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I ask where is mine from you? He says “oh but I got you the earrings for our anniversary. “
[Our anniversary was two weeks before Xmas, he did buy me some very expensive earrings but at the time never mentioned it was a joint anniversary/xmas present. I only gave him a card for our anniversary because we don’t always do anniversary gifts. For context, the last time we bought each other anniversary presents was maybe 3 years ago. We normally ask, are we doing presents? And give each other a heads up. Plus we’ve had a pretty rubbish time past few months relationship-wise and have an EBF baby who is still not sleeping so I wasn’t expecting we’d do presents. But when he did give me a gift and all I had was a card, i did apologise and say I’m sorry i didn’t realise we were doing gifts. He doesn’t at any point indicate an intention that this is a joint or early Xmas gift].

So then I’m surprised that he seemed to be saying he didn’t get me anything for Christmas because he got me the earrings. Nothing in my stockings [for 3rd year in a row FYI], not even a box of chocolates, not even a card. I’m so stunned that I say nothing and it takes me a few hours to process this so about 4 hours later, I then say to him I feel sad he didn’t get me anything for Christmas, not even a card. He then interjects and says, “I have a card!” He goes to a cupboard and gets a card and gives to me. I say thanks but why did it take me complaining for you to give to me? I explain that he didn’t mention the anniversary gift was a joint Christmas gift and so it makes me feel like he just forgot. Also that I know the earrings were expensive but I would’ve thought something small for Christmas under the tree or in my stocking so I have something to open from him would’ve been nice and shown that he cared. He then apologised and says sorry it was an oversight on his part.

Thing is, I don’t really feel like he thinks he did anything wrong or that I have a reason to be upset because today we were in the shopping centre and I saw a jacket I wanted in the sale so I bought it and when I rejoined him and the kids with my mum, they asked what I bought and I said it was a belated Christmas gift to myself. My mum who had been with us on Boxing Day says “yeah, you deserve it. I still can’t believe you didn’t get her anything [DH name]”. He then replied “but I bought her nice earrings for our anniversary”. Our 9.5 year old DD had to quip in with: “that’s not really a thing Dad”.

So help me mumsnet, am I being unreasonable to be sad about this?

I also apologise for the lengthy message, wanted to give full context.

I'd be upset but I assume this is the first time he's done it. I would ask him to book a nice restaurant by way of compensation and move on.

That's really unkind I'm not surprised you're upset. Buying you expensive earrings for your anniversary is lovely but how many Christmases and birthdays was he planning to then get nothing for you?

He could easily have bought a thoughtful card and filled your stocking with inexpensive gifts. It isn't about the value of that gift it's the lack of thought.

You need to tell him that it's made you feel unappreciated and don't expect a repeat at any other Christmas or birthdays.

Honestly, you probably got something much nicer than he would have got you. Just take the win - earrings and a jacket!

I hear you and it sucks. It's happened a number of times for me too and I get the "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything but you are better at presents than me". Now I buy my own presents and wrap them up for Xmas. At least I get what I want and to be fair he doesn't complain about the cost or anything, not that I am lavish. The odd occasion he's actually thought and bought something for me it's then an added bonus. I know he loves me and is a great husband in other ways. He's not much better for anyone else, so it's not targeted at me. I've come to accept that buying presents is not his forte, and it's up to me to organise it for everyone in the family.

This is a communication issue. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. You feel hurt. He is taking that personally, rather than trying to put it right. Could you have a calm talk about it? The fact is that your feelings have been hurt by his (in)actions and it's not unreasonable of you to feel how you feel. But you also can't really control how he feels about it. If he has hurt your feelings and doesn't care, that's a bigger problem than a Christmas present. If he has hurt your feelings and doesn't really understand why or how to fix it, a conversation would help.

I'm sorry he didn't bother, I'm not surprised you're upset. I went through similar in previous relationships and started buying my own gifts and ensuring my children had some money to get me a little something. I can't say it made me feel much better but it helped some.

Yanbu.......I wouldn't be happy with that either. Hell me and my kids dad aren't even in a relationship (( still live together, cost of living and all that )) and even we buy each other Christmas gifts.

Did you hang up a stocking expecting him to put presents into it? That’s not a normal thing for an adult to do, perhaps he thought it was just for decoration?

The rest is rubbish though. You’re letting him gaslight you by overthinking what you might have [mis]understood re the anniversary gift. He should have got you a Xmas present, end of story.

I had loads of presents for my DH and teenage DC.
Really great, thoughtful gifts that they all loved.
Nobody got me anything.
I wasn’t bothered. I enjoyed giving.

And if I want something, I just buy it for myself. I suppose I could have wrapped things up for myself but I CBA after wrapping everyone else’s.

My DH gave me some chocolates a day or so later which I was grateful for. Although it turns out that DC2 put him up to it!
Which made me laugh 😆

He does plenty of other things for me so I don’t feel unloved or unappreciated etc. Far from it.

I must admit that I did feel a little hurt that he didn’t do anything at all to acknowledge my retirement.
No one did, really.
DC2 is the only person who knows that I was upset about it.

Hey ho! I realise that I’m in an extremely fortunate position now.

YANBU your DH fucked up. Spell it out for him so that it doesn’t happen again.

(my DH used to get me amazing gifts but we haven’t bothered for years because we were skint!)

What did you get him?

The fact that he bought the earrings shows he is thinking of you and not doing bare minimum, but on the other hand buying Christmas presents is the done thing in your relationship so a bit rubbish to suddenly not without any warning. You're not wrong to be disappointed and have that conversation. That said I'd be a bit unhappy having my MIL piping up about my unsatisfactory gift buying for my spouse. The bit with the jacket as a gift to yourself comes across a little passive aggressive, especially given it's days later. On balance I can sort of see both sides - why you're sad and why he's defensive. Other posts here seem to think the lack of gift is a very big deal though, so perhaps I'm off the mark.

I don’t think the passive aggressive comment after buying the jacket is really the best way to deal with it.

I can imagine a woman posting saying she bought a really expensive gift for an anniversary and her partner got her nothing and then being advised not to bother with Christmas present. I do think though that since it was the norm for you to buy Christmas presents that he should have forewarned you or at least got a little thing.

so could your present have been given to the work secret santa?
if he received something he must have given something...
next this to me is a big deal, and i'd have a serious conversation ONCE because it wouldn't happen a second time.

It sounds like he thought you weren’t going to give him a present just like you hadn’t for the anniversary, so he was holding back the card as well just in case?

Not sure of course but could be why.

I can kind of see why he thought you could take that as a Christmas pressie though considering you hadn’t given him a gift and according to you don’t usually exchange gifts at anniversary. He probably should’ve been clearer though and said yeah it’s kind of an early Christmas present too

Please ignore the low standards of the majority of the previous posters and their gaslighting.
Receiving a present for each special occasion is a minimum standard in a relationship outside of Mumsnet.
Reiterate your expectations to your husband clearly....with no drama or passive aggressiveness.
Neglecting the "little" things should be nipped in the bud.
Just like the manifestation of enduring love in a relationship comes in the form of consistency, being dependable, not being stingy, spiteful, selfish or sly.
Your husband has slipped. Don't let him slide.
Not receiving a Christmas present from one's partner where exchanging presents is the norm is not normal.

Hmmmm I think he should have given you a card and/or a small gift like chocolates but if you got very expensive earrings two weeks earlier and you didn't give him anything on that occasion, I think it all evens out and his apology should be sufficient.

I doubt he forgot; Christmas is hard to forget, so it's more likely that he just reasoned that as he'd gotten you something very nice for an occasion you don't always do gifts on, it would cover both. He didn't communicate that well but at this point I'd get over it and move on.

I don't agree with a lot of the earlier advice, but people expressing their opinions on this isn't gaslighting and you minimise the harm done by real gaslighting by referring to it in this way. The advice earlier in thread to communicate is good.

OP talk to him, it's possible he thought he said something or he forgot or he was pissed off about the anniversary or he just couldn't be bothered. Tell him how you feel, he might not agree but he doesn't get to dictate your emotional response to this. Then tell him what you need and discuss what you're both going to do about presents going forward. Maybe he mentioned anniversary presents and you didn't hear and he's hurt, who knows, the only way you can resolve this is by talking.

The thing that stood out for me here is that your relationship has been rocky recently.

If this isn’t the first time he’s left you out of present giving, thought of others but not you, etc. then the rocky relationship isn’t that surprising. But if he’s normally good about presents I think this is the key here. You have a new(ish) baby and that can stretch people pretty thin.

He’s likely felt the rockiness too. I wonder if he made an effort for your anniversary and then felt rejected when you didn’t reciprocate (a bit foolish when he hadn’t said anything but expecting your partner to be a mind reader is not an uncommon fault). So he didn’t buy you anything at Christmas in part as revenge and in part to protect himself, because he doesn’t feel appreciated either and didn’t want that to feel worse.

It might not be this. But I really think you should be focused on the fact your relationship is rocky rather than on this one incident. If he hasn’t done this sort of thing before there’s probably a lot more to this than just him not appreciating you.

None of this is to say you shouldn’t be sad about it. I would be if it happened to me.

He should have bought you a Christmas present, and he knows that really.

Don't put up with this nonsense

What was his excuse last year and the year before that?

Buying you expensive earrings for your anniversary is no excuse. Jeez even me and my partner exchanged presents with my ex partner.

It sounds like he was miffed he bought you earrings for the anniversary and you only got him a card so he is playing a childish payback and got you nothing for Christmas.

I wonder if he sulked at getting no gift on their anniversary?

I mean, tough shit though isn’t it? He got his wife absolutely nothing for Christmas not even a card, and credit to her for telling people. He’s so thick skinned he still hasn’t taken it on board. Tell his mum too.

I agree. It’s disappointing not to have anything for Xmas, and he should have said when you gave him nothing for your anniversary - “Don’t worry, this can be your early Xmas present.” It would have stopped you feeling bad at not bothering to buy him anything when he thoughtfully got you something and it was expensive. He probably felt exactly the same way you do 2 weeks ago, OP. Have you thought about that? Buying something small for your stocking probably felt arbitrary to him when he’d made the effort for your anniversary and you hadn’t. Next time you both need to be clearer on your expectations.