To be sad husband didn’t give me anything for Christmas and is still being defensive?

[TABadger]

So on Boxing Day, we are opening presents, we get through all presents and I still not seen one from my DH.

There’s one gift bag left under tree and I ask is that mine from you? He says no it’s his secret Santa from his work. [Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I ask where is mine from you? He says “oh but I got you the earrings for our anniversary. “
[Our anniversary was two weeks before Xmas, he did buy me some very expensive earrings but at the time never mentioned it was a joint anniversary/xmas present. I only gave him a card for our anniversary because we don’t always do anniversary gifts. For context, the last time we bought each other anniversary presents was maybe 3 years ago. We normally ask, are we doing presents? And give each other a heads up. Plus we’ve had a pretty rubbish time past few months relationship-wise and have an EBF baby who is still not sleeping so I wasn’t expecting we’d do presents. But when he did give me a gift and all I had was a card, i did apologise and say I’m sorry i didn’t realise we were doing gifts. He doesn’t at any point indicate an intention that this is a joint or early Xmas gift].

So then I’m surprised that he seemed to be saying he didn’t get me anything for Christmas because he got me the earrings. Nothing in my stockings [for 3rd year in a row FYI], not even a box of chocolates, not even a card. I’m so stunned that I say nothing and it takes me a few hours to process this so about 4 hours later, I then say to him I feel sad he didn’t get me anything for Christmas, not even a card. He then interjects and says, “I have a card!” He goes to a cupboard and gets a card and gives to me. I say thanks but why did it take me complaining for you to give to me? I explain that he didn’t mention the anniversary gift was a joint Christmas gift and so it makes me feel like he just forgot. Also that I know the earrings were expensive but I would’ve thought something small for Christmas under the tree or in my stocking so I have something to open from him would’ve been nice and shown that he cared. He then apologised and says sorry it was an oversight on his part.

Thing is, I don’t really feel like he thinks he did anything wrong or that I have a reason to be upset because today we were in the shopping centre and I saw a jacket I wanted in the sale so I bought it and when I rejoined him and the kids with my mum, they asked what I bought and I said it was a belated Christmas gift to myself. My mum who had been with us on Boxing Day says “yeah, you deserve it. I still can’t believe you didn’t get her anything [DH name]”. He then replied “but I bought her nice earrings for our anniversary”. Our 9.5 year old DD had to quip in with: “that’s not really a thing Dad”.

So help me mumsnet, am I being unreasonable to be sad about this?

I also apologise for the lengthy message, wanted to give full context.

If I'd received such a lovely anniversary present shortly before Christmas I don't think this would have bothered me particularly. But then I've been married a very long time and I have learnt to put a lot less emphasis on gifts etc

Exactly this. Don't let him (or the astounding number of posts on here who've missed the point) try and worm his way into convincing you that 'oh well, I got you a present 2 weeks ago that you weren't expecting and so I kind of thought that was OK for me not to get you anything for a universally-recognised holiday where people get gifts for all the people they love so really this is your fault'. Bullshit.

At best he's thoughtless and lazy with your feelings, more sinisterly he's using this to teach you a lesson. And then to be defensive and sulky afterwards is pathetic. You should be upset, he's been a dick.

But it’s not really „”hey ho”, is it? Respectfully, that’s really shitty behaviour from your husband and your children. You made all this effort for them, bought loads of thoughtful presents and all you get are shitty chocolates? And on top of that no one bothered with your retirement? And truthfully, the way you have worded your post, I think you your self think it’s really shitty behaviour as well. You deserve better.

Why do we, as women, set such a low bar for ourselves and our expectations? We’ll fall over our selves trying to put everyone else above us, along with their needs, to the detriment of our own needs.

You’re both even, just move on. Presents really aren’t a big deal and shouldn’t be for grown adults who can buy their own stuff.

He got you 1 gift in December, you got him 1 gift in December.

Not sure if I’ve understood correctly so apologies if I’ve missed it…

But, I think I’ve read that he got you a nice gift on your anniversary and you got him a card? You say you usually ask if your getting each other anything but presume you didn’t?

He’s then done the near exact same thing at Christmas time?

Nothing in my stockings [for 3rd year in a row FYI], not even a box of chocolates, not even a card.

So how does that work? Do you all hang up your stockings? Then on Xmas Day, yours was empty?? How did the dc react? How did you react?

You need to have a firm conversation with him. Tell him what you expect for Xmas and anniversaries.

And if that doesn't sound romantic, it's because it's not!

It doesn't sound like he cares much about you, I'm afraid.

OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I also think this is an issue that some people can’t really empathise unless they have similar dynamics in their relationship in terms of gift giving. DH and I don’t really do anniversary gifts. We do cards as DH let me know it’s important to him, whereas I’m not fussed by cards. Sometimes we’ll do presents but we usually talk about it beforehand. One year he got me something and I didn’t get him anything. Another year it was the other way around. Both times was because we’d seen something we knew the other would love fairly last minute and there was no expectation to receive a gift as we hadn’t agreed that we’d be getting one.

Anniversary presents have never had any bearing whatsoever on Christmas presents, in much the same way as DH’s birthday presents (a couple of weeks before Christmas) have no bearing on Christmas presents. If DH didn’t get me a present for Christmas I’d be devastated and genuinely have some serious questions about our relationship. Not in the materialistic sense but because of the lack of thought.

My gut reaction to your post was that DH was making a point by not getting you a Christmas present and having a sulk about the anniversary.

We also have an EBF baby not sleeping through and I personally think you deserve the earrings just for that.

Edited to add that people saying ‘presents aren’t a big deal’ can speak for themselves. They’re a big deal to me and my DH and many of our adult friends. You’re allowed to care about gifts and think they’re important, much as those PPs can decide that presents aren’t important to them.

Good grief, how low is your bar?

So your daughter buys your gift from your husband for him?! What an amazing lesson on gender roles you're both giving her. And I bet you still get him thoughtful gifts though even though he allegedly doesn't care about them? Do you sort out all his family gifts too?

I'm staggered so many women pander to this shit. It is selfish, disrespectful and lazy and there is no prize at the finish line for sucking it up and being a martyr.

FFS, you don't sound fortunate at all. Your h sounds like a selfish, lazy, thoughtless dickhead.

No Christmas gifts and nobody acknowledging your retirement? That's just sad. Imagine sitting on Xmas day watching everyone open their gifts and having none - that's pitiful.

Why is your bar so low?

What kind of relationship are you modelling for your dc??

You make a good point and I agree entirely that the gender role message is not great. But the teaching is probably why both DDs have chosen partners who give them great presents. Neither will put up with less.

One of my ‘family stories’ is about the first Christmas present he bought me - a travel iron. It was a pointless present as there was no travel on the horizon. I actually did not use the iron until over 20 years later. I always say that was my red flag about presents. I ignored it.

To reply to your other comment, DH rarely gets anything from me beyond a pack of socks. This year we bought a new tv at the beginning of December. I said it was his present. He would have bought it with or without Christmas though. He just does not care. 25th is also his birthday - he gets no birthday present from me apart from his cake with candles. The only person to send him a card is my mother. He just does not do presents. It is not a family thing because his brothers are great at gifts - I get well-chosen stuff from them each year.

There are some battles that I choose not to fight. This is one of them. Life is generally trouble-free.

oh wow! Thanks everyone for your responses. I posted it last night at 2.00am as it was on my mind and keeping me from sleeping so needed to just put my thoughts down and then I went to sleep. I’ll respond to some of the specific questions now.

So, no. When it was just us/our kids were still little, I never had stockings but as the kids hit school age, we put stockings up on the mantel piece for every one of us. I buy gifts for everyone and put in the stockings, kids and DH. Have done so for about 5 years now. He always gets something in his, I just thought he might occasionally think to buy something little to put in mine too. Maybe that was unreasonable expectation.

I’m really sorry to hear no one got you anything. This would really hurt me if I was in your shoes.

I'd assume he was miffed at the anniversary so decided it let him off the hook for Xmas. Not nice for you to have nothing to open.

We always talk about this stuff. Anniversary we usually do a meal and card. Same for valentines. But we always check.

Birthdays and Xmas we usually spend about £150 each. A mix of things we have asked for and surprises. So dh asked for trainers and a rucksack and then I bought him chocolates, deodorant, alcohol and a cooking kit. I asked for boots, dressing gown and a calander, he also got a game, a book and chocolates.

But because we discuss it there's no expectation of anything different.

I got him a gift pack of designer socks (£50) for his stocking filler and then a fancy designer leather travel bag for his main gift (£250).

He tried to slyly give you a massager that came in his 'secret santa'? That's all a bit odd. Is there any chance he bought it then felt embarrassed to lied about it?

But YANBU. At all. MN can be a bit funny about presents for some reason but I think giving a Christmas present to your partner is a very basic expectation in a relationship. Like how can it ever be 'an oversight' to not buy something so your loved one has something to unwrap?

So* lied

You are probably right. My mum never would normally, she unfortunately was staying with us over Christmas and was in the room with us when we were opening gifts so knew he hadn’t got me anything. She and DD were the ones who asked what I’d bought from the sale so I had made the comment about it being a Xmas gift to myself. I probably shouldn’t have said it and just taken the high road.

My dh wouldn’t even notice the stockings were up or think to get presents for them (we do them every single year for reference for 5+ years) 😂

but if i used my words, and communicated to him I’d like him to get me some presents for my stocking he would. That’d probably be ltb territory here because mumsnets seems to expect people to be mind readers.

you know what your relationship is like in general, in relation to previous years & gifts

He did something nice for your anniversary. His response tells you how he feels as he could of got you something belated if he wanted too

The passive aggressive comments from you, your mum and your dd make me feel like this is just being dragged on. You need to have a chat with your dp, decide what you want to happen then drop it

“I can imagine a woman posting saying she bought a really expensive gift for an anniversary and her partner got her nothing and then being advised not to bother with Christmas present. I do think though that since it was the norm for you to buy Christmas presents that he should have forewarned you or at least got a little thing.”

Yes me too. Which is why I made sure I included it even though it didn’t paint me in the best light just to get others opinion on it. It is not the norm to always do anniversary presents for us. Normally, it’s just cards and a nice meal out or a show or night away somewhere. I did apologise immediately when he gave me a gift and said I didn’t know we were doing gifts as we’d already booked to go out for a fancy meal. He didn’t seem to think there was an issue with me not getting anything from him and only said sorry after I told him that even for our anniversary, I had said sorry then he said “oh I’m sorry I forgot”.

The ‘ DH is rubbish at gifts’ thing is a total nonsense. Presumably people that are married have known each other for an extended period of time, so should know what you like / what your interests are, and therefore be able to purchase a gift or two. I like reading & cooking so fairly easy for my DH who is a grown intelligent man to go out and buy me some gifts.

Some of the posts on this thread saying no gifts / buy my own gifts are truly depressing imo and a terrible example for your DC.

Your DH is not ‘ rubbish at gifts’ he is selfish and unkind!

So you spent £300 on him? I don't suppose he batted an eyelid, whereas you had been apologetic when you didn't get him an anniversary gift. He possibly views it as a household chore you have neglected and he's docked the cost of the earrings from your Christmas wages.

I always get a massive bouquet and a nice card for our anniversary, DH gets a card only. Is it a "thing" nowadays that husbands need a gift?

So yes, things haven’t been great between us. I don’t want to go specifically into all the issues but I have felt for a while that we have communication issues and an unequal/unhealthy dynamic in our relationship. I have been asking for us to have some marriage counselling for a number of years but he just flat out always refuses. A few weeks before our anniversary, I drew a line in the sand and said the only thing that would make things better from my perspective would be if we got said counselling. He said he disagreed but then started pulling his weight a bit more over the following weeks and went all out on planning the anniversary and the gift. I guess for me, the lack of a Xmas gift felt like a double blow because it shows the effort was only short lived.