To be sad husband didn’t give me anything for Christmas and is still being defensive?

[TABadger]

So on Boxing Day, we are opening presents, we get through all presents and I still not seen one from my DH.

There’s one gift bag left under tree and I ask is that mine from you? He says no it’s his secret Santa from his work. [Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I ask where is mine from you? He says “oh but I got you the earrings for our anniversary. “
[Our anniversary was two weeks before Xmas, he did buy me some very expensive earrings but at the time never mentioned it was a joint anniversary/xmas present. I only gave him a card for our anniversary because we don’t always do anniversary gifts. For context, the last time we bought each other anniversary presents was maybe 3 years ago. We normally ask, are we doing presents? And give each other a heads up. Plus we’ve had a pretty rubbish time past few months relationship-wise and have an EBF baby who is still not sleeping so I wasn’t expecting we’d do presents. But when he did give me a gift and all I had was a card, i did apologise and say I’m sorry i didn’t realise we were doing gifts. He doesn’t at any point indicate an intention that this is a joint or early Xmas gift].

So then I’m surprised that he seemed to be saying he didn’t get me anything for Christmas because he got me the earrings. Nothing in my stockings [for 3rd year in a row FYI], not even a box of chocolates, not even a card. I’m so stunned that I say nothing and it takes me a few hours to process this so about 4 hours later, I then say to him I feel sad he didn’t get me anything for Christmas, not even a card. He then interjects and says, “I have a card!” He goes to a cupboard and gets a card and gives to me. I say thanks but why did it take me complaining for you to give to me? I explain that he didn’t mention the anniversary gift was a joint Christmas gift and so it makes me feel like he just forgot. Also that I know the earrings were expensive but I would’ve thought something small for Christmas under the tree or in my stocking so I have something to open from him would’ve been nice and shown that he cared. He then apologised and says sorry it was an oversight on his part.

Thing is, I don’t really feel like he thinks he did anything wrong or that I have a reason to be upset because today we were in the shopping centre and I saw a jacket I wanted in the sale so I bought it and when I rejoined him and the kids with my mum, they asked what I bought and I said it was a belated Christmas gift to myself. My mum who had been with us on Boxing Day says “yeah, you deserve it. I still can’t believe you didn’t get her anything [DH name]”. He then replied “but I bought her nice earrings for our anniversary”. Our 9.5 year old DD had to quip in with: “that’s not really a thing Dad”.

So help me mumsnet, am I being unreasonable to be sad about this?

I also apologise for the lengthy message, wanted to give full context.

its an overreaction considering he bought you expensive earings 2 weeks earlier. seems you would have preffered it if he bought you the earings for christmas and nothing for your anniversary as you keep repeating 'we never do anniversary presents'. isnt it better that he got you something on your anniversary considering that you said you've been having issues in your rship?

You’re right, perhaps that’s what he feels and it was some sort of payback. Maybe I did let myself off lightly about the anniversary thing. I will ask for us to have this chat. But he didn’t say he was upset about it when I apologised and explained I didn’t know we were doing gifts. I will get him something unexpected in the next few weeks and say it’s a belated anniversary gift.

Thanks for your comment.

Thank you so much! I feel very ‘seen’ by you. 💕

Always surprised that so many MN posters advocate involving their mother in disagreements with their husbands. 'Telling' on your partner to someone who is going to be on your side anyway is juvenile. I wonder if the same posters would advocate men to 'tell' on their wives and for their MILS to speak up for their sons. It is double standards. Most of MN would howl with outrage if their MIL told them off publicly. Or do all these posters really advocate telling their Mummy if their partner has offended them? There are a lot of Mummy's girls and Mummy's princesses on MN

I have been married a very long time and I love my husband dearly. I have never been tempted to 'tell' on him. My Mum and my MIL would never have interfered in any dispute.
If I was your husband I would feel uncomfortable spending time with your mother in case she decided to tell him off publicly again.

Poor you OP. I'd be upset as well.

Similar happened to me last Christmas, but nowhere near as bad.
My BIL and I have always bought each other presents. And in the past he's even said things like "try and get me something really thoughtful you know I'll like!" Really piling on the pressure.

Last Christmas I got him a couple of things, nothing massive, probably about £30 total, but everything individually wrapped, so he'd have a few things to open.

We've got to the end of unwrapping and I realise, he hasn't got me anything. At first I decide not to say anything, and he doesn't say anything either, but in the end I quietly take my sister aside and ask her did she know that BIL hadn't got me anything? She didn't, but obviously went away and asked him. Because later than night I get a text from her that "he hadn't quite got round to it." Bare in mind, we've been family for 20 years now, and have always done presents for Christmas.
I hear from him via text a day or two later, offer to get me something from my Amazon wishlist! I choose a book I've been really looking forward to.

Needless to say, I forgive but don't forget. This year he got 2 small gifts, both wrapped together, so he only had one thing to open from me.
And yes, he did get me something this year, but it was a combined big birthday, new house and christmas gift rolled into one!

Yes, I know it sounds really shit.
I should maybe have been clearer. We haven’t bought each other Christmas presents in years because we just couldn’t afford to.
Things have improved and I wanted to spoil everyone.
To be fair, he wouldn’t have expected anything from me and we’ve never bothered with our DC giving presents.
I do really enjoy giving thoughtful presents and I was honestly very happy that they all loved their presents.

I did just buy myself a shark flex styler and various skin care sets. Now that our finances have improved, I buy myself whatever I want.

I have to admit that I was hurt at the lack of thought over my retirement. I think the waters were muddied a bit because I’d been off sick and “missed” my last day.
So maybe it just bypassed him.

However! If it had been him, I’d have made a big fuss and I’d probably have got a banner, card, balloons etc.
I consider myself to be a very kind, thoughtful person.

It doesn’t mean that he isn’t. He just shows it in a different way e.g. he’ll scrape the windscreen on his way out to work, if it’s icy.
He always brings me toast and tea in bed.

But yes, I would really have liked some actual proper acknowledgement of my retirement 😔

(I do enjoy thinking of really special presents for people and it’s no exaggeration to say that people have been speechless at their gift. I LOVE this reaction.
I have said to DC2 that I sometimes wish someone would do similar for me. He gets me.)

Thank you for your reply and if it’s ok, I’m
going to paste my reply to a previous comment.

“Yes, I know it sounds really shit.
I should maybe have been clearer. We haven’t bought each other Christmas presents in years because we just couldn’t afford to.
Things have improved and I wanted to spoil everyone.
To be fair, he wouldn’t have expected anything from me and we’ve never bothered with our DC giving presents.
I do really enjoy giving thoughtful presents and I was honestly very happy that they all loved their presents.
I did just buy myself a shark flex styler and various skin care sets. Now that our finances have improved, I buy myself whatever I want.
I have to admit that I was hurt at the lack of thought over my retirement. I think the waters were muddied a bit because I’d been off sick and “missed” my last day.
So maybe it just bypassed him.
However! If it had been him, I’d have made a big fuss and I’d probably have got a banner, card, balloons etc.
I consider myself to be a very kind, thoughtful person.
It doesn’t mean that he isn’t. He just shows it in a different way e.g. he’ll scrape the windscreen on his way out to work, if it’s icy.
He always brings me toast and tea in bed.
But yes, I would really have liked some actual proper acknowledgement of my retirement 😔
(I do enjoy thinking of really special presents for people and it’s no exaggeration to say that people have been speechless at their gift. I LOVE this reaction.
I have said to DC2 that I sometimes wish someone would do similar for me. He gets me.)”

Added this next bit:

I WAS hurt about my retirement and had a cry to DC2, he completely understood. He is a very thoughtful, kind boy and I know how much he loves and appreciates me.

Thank you for replying and if it’s ok, I am
going to paste my reply to an earlier comment:

“Yes, I know it sounds really shit.
I should maybe have been clearer. We haven’t bought each other Christmas presents in years because we just couldn’t afford to.
Things have improved and I wanted to spoil everyone.
To be fair, he wouldn’t have expected anything from me and we’ve never bothered with our DC giving presents.
I do really enjoy giving thoughtful presents and I was honestly very happy that they all loved their presents.
I did just buy myself a shark flex styler and various skin care sets. Now that our finances have improved, I buy myself whatever I want.
I have to admit that I was hurt at the lack of thought over my retirement. I think the waters were muddied a bit because I’d been off sick and “missed” my last day.
So maybe it just bypassed him.
However! If it had been him, I’d have made a big fuss and I’d probably have got a banner, card, balloons etc.
I consider myself to be a very kind, thoughtful person.
It doesn’t mean that he isn’t. He just shows it in a different way e.g. he’ll scrape the windscreen on his way out to work, if it’s icy.
He always brings me toast and tea in bed.
But yes, I would really have liked some actual proper acknowledgement of my retirement 😔
(I do enjoy thinking of really special presents for people and it’s no exaggeration to say that people have been speechless at their gift. I LOVE this reaction.
I have said to DC2 that I sometimes wish someone would do similar for me. He gets me.)”

Adding on this bit:
He did used to get me amazing presents, really special things like diamond earrings etc.
We stopped presents when the DC were small, couldn’t afford it.

He does always get me Prosecco/chocolates on anniversaries, Valentine’s Day etc.
Unless we have both agreed beforehand not to, when we’ve been skint.

But yes, I was hurt about my retirement. I’d have made a big fuss of him.

yeah i sucks, but you've already said you are pretty flaky about anniversary presents, and i think i've assumed correctly that this is the first year you've not received a christmas gift?

its coming across as a communication issue, you didn't have the actual conversation about exchanging christmas gifts and you are now smarting because you got him something but he never got you something.

its was ok for him to get you an anniversary present, but you never got him one? did you also have a conversation about that?

its sounding like sticks and stones to me, you want it all ways.. perhaps start communicating

@mrsm43s Possibly, except in my case I had a card ready to exchange and then was apologetic when I saw he got me a gift too. He didn’t give me anything at all but then 4 hours later, when I complained, he says “I got you a card’”and went to get it. Also didn’t apologise until I mentioned that I’d said sorry about the anniversary. Then he said “I’m sorry I forgot”.

But anyway, you are 100% right, I should just let it go now, which I will. Thank you for being honest, it’s been helpful to know there are others who think the same way as him.

You’re right in many ways.
I do really enjoy sourcing (hate that word but in this case, it’s appropriate because I do literally spend hours looking online and thinking of amazing things to give) great gifts but it would be so nice if just once, someone would do something like that for me.

I was really hurt about my retirement.

(here is the reply I wrote to another poster:
Yes, I know it sounds really shit.
I should maybe have been clearer. We haven’t bought each other Christmas presents in years because we just couldn’t afford to.
Things have improved and I wanted to spoil everyone.
To be fair, he wouldn’t have expected anything from me and we’ve never bothered with our DC giving presents.
I do really enjoy giving thoughtful presents and I was honestly very happy that they all loved their presents.
I did just buy myself a shark flex styler and various skin care sets. Now that our finances have improved, I buy myself whatever I want.
I have to admit that I was hurt at the lack of thought over my retirement. I think the waters were muddied a bit because I’d been off sick and “missed” my last day.
So maybe it just bypassed him.
However! If it had been him, I’d have made a big fuss and I’d probably have got a banner, card, balloons etc.
I consider myself to be a very kind, thoughtful person.
It doesn’t mean that he isn’t. He just shows it in a different way e.g. he’ll scrape the windscreen on his way out to work, if it’s icy.
He always brings me toast and tea in bed.
But yes, I would really have liked some actual proper acknowledgement of my retirement 😔
(I do enjoy thinking of really special presents for people and it’s no exaggeration to say that people have been speechless at their gift. I LOVE this reaction.
I have said to DC2 that I sometimes wish someone would do similar for me. He gets me.)

@mollymazda Really helpful perspective, thank you. Communication communication communication.

This isn’t the first year regarding not received Christmas present, it’s happened once before, we’ve been together 13 years. And he’s forgotten/not planned anything for my birthday twice before.

It’s the lack of thought, I expect, that hurts, rather than the lack of a box of chocolates.

For reference, my DH is very much like this. It was only when his mum was horrified that he hadn’t remembered to buy me anything at all either from himself or the children, and told him off loudly one Christmas Day, that the boxes of Hotel Chocolat started to appear under the tree.

You are not being unreasonable, and I love your mum and daughter for calling him on his sh1t.

DH and I have been married over 40 years and he claims he is hopeless at gift giving (in truth I am always so pleased if he actually gives me something spontaneous that he has never given me anything I don't appreciate!) I had got used to the fact he didn't do Christmas until recently when I realised that the lack of present from him made me really sad. Long before Christmas I broached the subject. I explained how hard I found it, that it wasn't about the money, it was about knowing someone had thought about me. We decided I would give him suggestions and I do. I send screen shots and links and he always manages to surprise me now because by Christmas I have forgotten half the things I suggested.

On the contrary - the women in OP's life have her back and good for them. The lack of present giving was in public, the holding to account can be in public too

I think this is a different situation from Op whose husband did bother to get her a nice present just recently. But they clearly have some communication issues in their marriage atm since Op didn’t have a present for him on their anniversary and now he didn’t have a present for her at Christmas. But it does go both ways and I’m glad from OPs recent
update it appears she’s taking this on board. As a pp said neither of them can take the moral high ground in this.

In your case considering they say it’s the thought that counts I don’t think there’s much thought gone into it from him. if every single year you need to not only remind him to get presents but send multiple links.

I had a childhood friend a bit like that. I’d spend all this effort getting her kids thoughtful presents (have since stopped that!) and she never once thought to reciprocate with a present for me until one particular birthday.

She made such a song and dance out of it by constantly asking me for ideas and what I wanted etc that I was so unimpressed even when the gift eventually came through.

I think it’s ok to ask for a bit of guidance but overall your life partner - and those close to you- should be able to make the effort and choose something you’re likely to appreciate. You pretty much say you’re happy at anything he gets you - you don’t seem hard to please or super fussy. So yeah think it is poor form for him to rely on you for choosing your own presents.

I’m glad both me and my partner are capable for choosing thoughtful gifts for each other as we make the effort to do so.

So you got him nothing for your anniversary and blamed breast feeding for not getting him a present which is bizarre to be honest.

Have you thought about how he felt about that? Maybe he didn't bother with a Christmas present for you because you didn't bother with an anniversary present for him.

Your mum and kid being passive aggressive is wrong too

Dear God you are being totally unreasonable! Are you out of your mind? Poor husband you sound nightmarish

you also seem to have got your DD going against your husband too. Poor guy - he's flipping shelled out for ear-rings, you got him jack shit so he evened it up at Xmas - makes total sense. He should be on mumsnet complaining about you!

Plus buying yourself a Christmas present? Jesus, what are you 5 years old?

I think he made big effort for annerversary you made none
you make no reference to what you bought him for Xmas ?
going forward just agree a budget or agree not to bother
I think you are overthinking because of other martial woes