To be sad husband didn’t give me anything for Christmas and is still being defensive?

[TABadger]

So on Boxing Day, we are opening presents, we get through all presents and I still not seen one from my DH.

There’s one gift bag left under tree and I ask is that mine from you? He says no it’s his secret Santa from his work. [Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I ask where is mine from you? He says “oh but I got you the earrings for our anniversary. “
[Our anniversary was two weeks before Xmas, he did buy me some very expensive earrings but at the time never mentioned it was a joint anniversary/xmas present. I only gave him a card for our anniversary because we don’t always do anniversary gifts. For context, the last time we bought each other anniversary presents was maybe 3 years ago. We normally ask, are we doing presents? And give each other a heads up. Plus we’ve had a pretty rubbish time past few months relationship-wise and have an EBF baby who is still not sleeping so I wasn’t expecting we’d do presents. But when he did give me a gift and all I had was a card, i did apologise and say I’m sorry i didn’t realise we were doing gifts. He doesn’t at any point indicate an intention that this is a joint or early Xmas gift].

So then I’m surprised that he seemed to be saying he didn’t get me anything for Christmas because he got me the earrings. Nothing in my stockings [for 3rd year in a row FYI], not even a box of chocolates, not even a card. I’m so stunned that I say nothing and it takes me a few hours to process this so about 4 hours later, I then say to him I feel sad he didn’t get me anything for Christmas, not even a card. He then interjects and says, “I have a card!” He goes to a cupboard and gets a card and gives to me. I say thanks but why did it take me complaining for you to give to me? I explain that he didn’t mention the anniversary gift was a joint Christmas gift and so it makes me feel like he just forgot. Also that I know the earrings were expensive but I would’ve thought something small for Christmas under the tree or in my stocking so I have something to open from him would’ve been nice and shown that he cared. He then apologised and says sorry it was an oversight on his part.

Thing is, I don’t really feel like he thinks he did anything wrong or that I have a reason to be upset because today we were in the shopping centre and I saw a jacket I wanted in the sale so I bought it and when I rejoined him and the kids with my mum, they asked what I bought and I said it was a belated Christmas gift to myself. My mum who had been with us on Boxing Day says “yeah, you deserve it. I still can’t believe you didn’t get her anything [DH name]”. He then replied “but I bought her nice earrings for our anniversary”. Our 9.5 year old DD had to quip in with: “that’s not really a thing Dad”.

So help me mumsnet, am I being unreasonable to be sad about this?

I also apologise for the lengthy message, wanted to give full context.

I doubt he forgot; Christmas is hard to forget,

Not true! We didn't bother with Christmas cards to each other but one year, just after Christmas, I saw a card on his dressing table, a 'wife' card, he said he written it but forgotten about it, 'it'll keep til next year' said the Yorkshireman! Sadly he died in the March, but it still comes out every year.

Seeing that you have marital problems and he doesn't want to go to cunselling, I am betting there is plenty more to this.

This is something my horrible mother would do - set a 'test' (the very expensive anniversary present when you don't always do gifts) that you will fail, because you are unaware of it. And then 'punish' you by doing 'the same as you' during a celebration that you would always both do presents. And then 'one-up' you by not even 'remembering' the card until reminded.

Dad stuck it out til he died, and on his deathbed regretted it. Think carefully. I don't think this marriage will be a happy one, but surely coung to marriage counselling is the bare minimum. But if he's like my mother, he won't go, because he LIKES the way the marriage is at the moment. It works for him.

@Nochewitts yep definitely am a fool. But have young children and would just smile it off on the day as to not ruin it for them. And couldn't bring myself to go to my in laws and be given a gift and not give one back to them. So yes I bought the Christmas gifts for his family from 'us' to spare embarrassment really.

I shouldn't buy him anything and he would prefer that. How shit.

I did him a bit of a disservice there. He went right off piste for my birthday and bought me something I had no idea existed and which has actually changed my life for the better - but even though I have no doubt he loves me it takes communication, not hints and passive aggressive comments, to ensure we meet each other's needs.

Why don't you feel you can share your feelings re your retirement? It sounds more like you've just got used to being given nothing you don't feel you deserve anything.

We do similar to this poster. He wraps my stuff and I wrap his presents. Mostly 'stocking fillers' to be honest. We do tend to buy things as we go through the year. It's not a big deal to us though. This year we decided we wouldn't buy 'main' presents for either of us. We went away to a hotel for Christmas this year and decided that was our main present to ourselves

I think communication is the key here. If your relationship is good, then it isn't a problem, but I think if the relationship is rocky, then I can see that it might feel that he doesn't care.

But really, saying this gently, getting a present doesn't really tell you whether someone cares or not. You really do need to sort out why things are rocky between you and that is going to involve good communication between you both?

Exactly how expensive were the earrings he gave you two weeks before? If they were very expensive I can see why he didn’t spend again at Christmas. Strangely it seems you’d have been happy with earrings for Christmas and nothing for your anniversary but not the other way round? You still would have only got the earrings 🤷🏻‍♀️

You shouldn’t need to be passive aggressive for him to meet your needs. He’s your life partner. He lives with you. He should know you a little!

my point was I get asking for a hint if he’s a bit stuck every now and again but generally speaking he should be able to choose and buy a present off his own back.

Well no-one is talking about kicking off on the day and ruining things for your kids? Why would that happen? Just don’t buy him a present. Simple.

The day before you visit his in-laws you should casually ask what he’s got for the family. When he says “nothing” just say yeah me too.

He can either then choose to rectify that by going out and getting a present or not. If he chooses not to, and that’s good enough for him it should be good enough for you.

If you do get embarrassed when you’re there you can always apologise on his behalf for him not getting them anything. But tbh I wouldn’t even bother with that.

It’s his family. He needs to sort it or deal with the consequences.

I don’t know tbh.
I suppose I expect him to know how I feel, which is obviously stupid and naïve.
DC2 is the only one who knows how I really feel.
Actually, DC1 has a pretty good idea, too.

What does that tell you?
(I can’t really discuss it with my mum because she has some problems of her own to deal with. Which eclipse my perceived slights.)

Thank you for replying.

I can understand that the no-Christmas-gift issue is hurtful. However you have discussed it with him and he apologised. You're still banging on about it almost two weeks later, and have other family members piling in too. It's not really surprising that he might be a bit defensive at this point. Let it go.

If it were me I'd make a point of having a proper conversation about gift giving for events so that things like this won't happen again.

I know it sounds very formal but it will save much confusion, arguments and heartache in the long run.

My adult DS has a birthday just before Christmas. Every year, he and I have a discussion about presents and, if it's something expensive that he's after, I ask him if he wants it for his birthday or Christmas. He invariably chooses his birthday because, I think, he's often felt overlooked on that date (by others, not his parents), with it being so close to Christmas.

On Christmas day, he still has presents to open. Yes, small, cheap and often generic (big bar of his favourite chocolate etc).

I think OP's anniversary present is similar. DH did not ask whether she wanted the present for Anniversary or Christmas and I've no idea what she would have chosen. DH decided he wanted to change things round, for whatever reason and neither did he not tell her that he was going to do, nor did he ask her what she wanted to do. Without discussion, he made an executive decision that he would not be giving OP a Christmas present. Heavy handed or what?

He is being a typical thoughtless man who imagines that his wife knows exactly what's going on in his mind without communicating with her. He is (choose your own word - miffed, disappointed, angry, hurt) because she communicates to him that she expected something to open on Christmas Day (like most of the western world) and is disappointed that he hasn't given her something. He is wrong footed and now he has realised it. As others have said, there is no reason why he couldn't have picked up some cheap/generic presents.

He's an uncommunicative idiot who could have saved himself (and his wife, actually) a lot of grief. Do better, OP's husband.

I love giving gifts. I am very good at it. For family and friends. I love giving my husband and kids their Xmas presents.

In turn they go out of their way to buy me things I like. Because they know I go above and beyond for them all year round and they appreciate me. Over the years, they have got better and better!

I would feel hurt if my husband got me nothing. I find it hard to believe you don’t even have a twinge of sadness when they get you nothing. Even if it passes. Presents are not the only way to show you appreciate someone of course, but they are an important one on special days. It’s depressing that your husband doesn’t want to. That he feels no shame or guilt at you having nothing to open.

I see that you have convinced yourself that it’s fine. But deep down surely you know that it isn’t? You deserve better from him.

Your kids should not have to feel caught in between their parents like this either.

Except OP bought herself the jacket, so no win!
So many selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate men on Mumsnet. If my husband were like that there would be no Christmas or Birthday gifts from me.

Thank you for replying and there is an element of truth in what you say.
Like you, I do genuinely love thinking of really great presents. It gives me a real kick.

I do honestly think that my DH has depression. He very rarely smiles or laughs these days. Looking back over pics I’ve taken on his birthday, opening presents, he barely smiles.

He would NEVER in a million years go to the doctor though. Much less, take anything. It’s hard enough to get him to take a paracetamol for a headache tbh.

He is thoughtful in other ways and does more than his fair share here. I can’t really complain about him tbh.

BUT yes, I’d have liked some fuss made of me for my retirement. I’m actually very easy to please.

It’s not really that he doesn’t want to. We’ve not been in a position to do presents for each other for years. He’d always get me some wine etc for my birthday, anniversary etc.

I can see how it comes across, though.

As for my DC, I know how I made it sound. It’s more that I spend a lot more time with them and particularly with my 16 year old, we talk about feelings etc in depth.
I’ll admit that I probably sound off to him. Which is wrong of me.
I can only say it’s because I want an honest opinion as to whether I’m imagining why I’m hurt or annoyed about something.

He is very good at giving a balanced view and he is honest to a fault.

Thank you. You’ve given me food for thought. As have others.

I can't remember the last time I bought my DH a gift for Christmas, he bought me one this year as I mentioned in conversation that I needed to buy a specific item, but previous years he hasn't got me anything for many a year.

We ask each other but if we don't need/want anything there's no point in buying just because It's Christmas and the done thing.

We don't make a big thing of celebrating events that aren't personal to us, we go away/meal out for birthdays/wedding anniversary but still don't buy each other presents.

I do honestly think that my DH has depression. He very rarely smiles or laughs these days. Looking back over pics I’ve taken on his birthday, opening presents, he barely smiles.

That sounds like a sad way to live. Sounds like you are carrying the responsibility of the family’s ‘happiness’ on your shoulders too. That’s really tough. If he can’t see his role in this, then that will be hard to change.

I think you have got so used to not expecting anything that it’s become your norm. I find that sad. You deserved a retirement acknowledgement. X

Sorry, but I think you are being childish, and it seems you are encouraging your mother and daughter to criticise your husband, which isn’t on.

Look, if he never got you gifts ever, I could understand you’d be upset. But he does, he got you some lovely earrings. And now you are annoyed he didn’t get you some tokenistic box of chocolates a fortnight later.

Maybe he doesn’t think your relationship is that transactional.
Maybe he didn't realise that the love and thought behind the earrings and the money spent on them would count for nothing unless he also put a box of chocs in your stocking.
You didn’t get him an anniversary gift, and that’s normal, so maybe he thought your relationship was stronger than gifts.

Sorry but I think you need to grow up a bit. If you have a loving relationship with your husband then the gifts do not matter.

Thank you, that is kind.
I can’t really go into details but I caused a situation that had a lot of ramifications for us all.
Nothing illegal or immoral. Just stupid and naïve.

I suppose I feel that I have to make up for it and there is very definitely an element of not deserving anything.
I’m actually crying right now thinking about how I am not worthy of love.

(DC2 adores me and makes that very plain. DC1 does, too. Just expresses it differently)

I guess I’m just feeling a bit fragile at the moment. And that feels a bit self-indulgent. It’s almost as if I can’t give myself permission to have negative feelings because I am truly lucky in many ways.

Thank you.

Everyone makes mistakes. And ones made through naïveté rather than malice need to be left behind.

How long do you intent to punish yourself for? You really need to forgive yourself and not sign up to a life of making amends and self-flagellation.

You are not being self-indulgent, and you are deserving of love, affection and yes occasional gifts and attention. Would you consider therapy? It sounds like there is stuff to work through.

You keep saying you are lucky. I’m not sure why you’re saying that. Is it because you have a stable marriage and are financially comfortable etc? I don’t think you need to keep showing gratitude for that. Many people expect to have that in their lives and do so. It is not a reason to stop yourself from ever complaining.

I really do think some therapy to address this deep-seated guilt within yourself might help.

And I too have one teen who is sensitive and more emotionally-connected to me. They can be lovely to have around!

Isn’t it so lovely to have a teen like that! My other boy shows he loves me by wanting to spend time with me. Going to get a pizza and take a drive etc.

You’re right on all counts, of course.
I do beat myself up for what I did.

I also know that I was really quite badly damaged by my workplace. Although I have got my own back in a roundabout way.
Again, nothing illegal or immoral.
No direct action towards anyone.

I suppose I do feel very lucky in that yes, I have a stable family and a comfortable lifestyle. But yes, that doesn’t mean that I can’t feel negatively about anything.

Thank you, again. Your kindness is making me cry. But in a nice way!

Definitely not being unreasonable. I would be livid and very upset if my husband hadnt bothered to buy me a christmas present, and he would know about it in no uncertain terms, to the extent he wouldnt even think about not doing so in the future.

Do you not speak to each other??
How can this all be so surprise … communicate.
And stocking?? What?
So sick of these Xmas present moan posts now!!