To be sad husband didn’t give me anything for Christmas and is still being defensive?

[TABadger]

So on Boxing Day, we are opening presents, we get through all presents and I still not seen one from my DH.

There’s one gift bag left under tree and I ask is that mine from you? He says no it’s his secret Santa from his work. [Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I ask where is mine from you? He says “oh but I got you the earrings for our anniversary. “
[Our anniversary was two weeks before Xmas, he did buy me some very expensive earrings but at the time never mentioned it was a joint anniversary/xmas present. I only gave him a card for our anniversary because we don’t always do anniversary gifts. For context, the last time we bought each other anniversary presents was maybe 3 years ago. We normally ask, are we doing presents? And give each other a heads up. Plus we’ve had a pretty rubbish time past few months relationship-wise and have an EBF baby who is still not sleeping so I wasn’t expecting we’d do presents. But when he did give me a gift and all I had was a card, i did apologise and say I’m sorry i didn’t realise we were doing gifts. He doesn’t at any point indicate an intention that this is a joint or early Xmas gift].

So then I’m surprised that he seemed to be saying he didn’t get me anything for Christmas because he got me the earrings. Nothing in my stockings [for 3rd year in a row FYI], not even a box of chocolates, not even a card. I’m so stunned that I say nothing and it takes me a few hours to process this so about 4 hours later, I then say to him I feel sad he didn’t get me anything for Christmas, not even a card. He then interjects and says, “I have a card!” He goes to a cupboard and gets a card and gives to me. I say thanks but why did it take me complaining for you to give to me? I explain that he didn’t mention the anniversary gift was a joint Christmas gift and so it makes me feel like he just forgot. Also that I know the earrings were expensive but I would’ve thought something small for Christmas under the tree or in my stocking so I have something to open from him would’ve been nice and shown that he cared. He then apologised and says sorry it was an oversight on his part.

Thing is, I don’t really feel like he thinks he did anything wrong or that I have a reason to be upset because today we were in the shopping centre and I saw a jacket I wanted in the sale so I bought it and when I rejoined him and the kids with my mum, they asked what I bought and I said it was a belated Christmas gift to myself. My mum who had been with us on Boxing Day says “yeah, you deserve it. I still can’t believe you didn’t get her anything [DH name]”. He then replied “but I bought her nice earrings for our anniversary”. Our 9.5 year old DD had to quip in with: “that’s not really a thing Dad”.

So help me mumsnet, am I being unreasonable to be sad about this?

I also apologise for the lengthy message, wanted to give full context.

She bought him some socks and a wash bag

@CoraTheExplora i think you may have missed the bit where I said we don’t normally buy anniversary presents and haven’t for the past 3 and would normally say if we were going to or not. But thanks for your perspective though, I really appreciate you taking the time.

My DF never used to get anything for my DM and she found it hurtful, though he did love her, he was just crap at presents. He would say "get want you want and I'll give you the money" but she wanted a little surprise. He just didn't see the point in the ritual of it.

I bought some designer socks (£50) for his stocking and a nice leather travel bag/holdall (£250). Not that it’s the price that matters anyhow. I would’ve been happy it there’s just been the card from him under the tree even with a lovely message and him saying as I went all out for anniversary, I just got you this card. But to have nothing at all was just a bit of a shock tbh but appreciate everyone’s perspective.

Now I am reading you bought him some socks and a washbag. After he got you really expensive earrings - was the washbag jewel encrusted? Otherwise - shite preent. On what planet are you thinking you could possibly be reasonable? Sorry OP but this really is nonsense

oops sorry just read details - that is not a shite present

I would tell him that he either needs to make the effort for Christmas and birthdays or he will not ever be acknowledged and facilitated by you on his birthday or Father’s Day or Christmas. And that if he goes down this route then it’s another nail in the coffin of the marriage.

Also tell him that if wants to add things like anniversaries for you both to acknowledge then that’s fine.

I would tell your mum to keep her beaky nose out of your marriage in future and stop stirring - if I was your husband that would REALLY piss me off. But anyway you sound nice and reasonable OP so am sure you will sort it.

You're not BU at all. Maybe he had spent all his money on the earrings and had none left (but why not say so), and why did he not give you the card without prompting? It really isn't possible to forget Christmas as it is rammed down our throats from October onwards, birthdays can be forgotten more easily but still upsetting if they are. Stockings are only for kids really, so I wouldn't be bothered about that bit. Getting a massager as a work secret Santa present though, isn't that a bit weird?

How would you have felt if his mum had waded in to make you feel guilty for not getting him an anniversary gift?

My husband didn't buy me anything for Christmas again this year. I always get him something. After many years of brushing it off, I said something this year. Told him how disappointed I was and how shit it makes me feel etc etc.

This is the first year in our 20 years together I've really thought about divorcing him, hes been such a wanker to me, so I have nothing left to loose tbh and christmas was just the icing on the cake.
I sort the whole of Christmas for the kids and all family, including his, and he couldn't even be bothered to think of me at all.

It's my birthday coming up. He usually forgets, so I shall see if anything I've said has sunk in.

Even though we spoke about it just after Christmas it's still in my thoughts so I understand how annoyed you are OP.

but if i used my words, and communicated to him I’d like him to get me some presents for my stocking he would

Do you have to tell him to breathe in and out as well?

After your follow ups I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You sound level headed and fair and I definitely think a chat with DH about expectations going forward is needed.

I love giving gifts and I’m not overly fussed about receiving them, BUT my DH still gets me them because he wants to treat me. In your shoes I’d also have felt hurt, especially given you have a new baby and life will be very different and more emotional than usual. If it was a tit for tat for you not getting him an anniversary present, then that’s really childish of him.

@TABadger
You don't like your MIL having a go at you but you support your Mother having a go at your husband because you say, 'only shaming works'. Do you also plant to use this shaming technique on your children as well?

Fuck me the bar is low! Jesus, people! Buying your own gifts because you know they're not going to get you anything? Being okay with having nothing to open on Christmas yet going all out for the teens and husband (or should I say, telling yourself you're okay with it!)

There is one reason only that you should have nothing to open from your spouse on Christmas Day and that is a mutual decision/agreement to not buy any gifts for each other.

"oh but he's awful at buying gifts!" Why? Doesn't he know you? Or doesn't he give a crap about trying?

I’ll be blunt - more fool you for brushing it off for so long . Why are you continuing to buy things not only for him, but even his family? Why are so many women on Mn buying presents for their in-laws? It’s bizarre.

Your husband sucks clearly and you shouldn’t have to train him as such, since he should just want to be a decent man- but you’re being a martyr and enabling this.

Perhaps if he felt the consequences of not going Christmas shopping for his own family he’d have to get the finger out and do that.

I don’t think Op is blameless in this whole situation but tbf she said it was a leather travel bag/ holdall and worth £250.

It's not "gaslighting."

Wish people would stop using this word without understanding it.

I suspect others have said this too - I shall carry on reading the thread now.

But the OP didn't get him anything for their anniversary so by your logic he should be outlining HIS expectations too.

Anniversaries also special occasions to celebrate. Neither of them is exactly treating the other particularly specially.

Ugh. Another thread where women fall all over themselves to demonise the OP and defend the ‘poor man’.

OP, you’re not unreasonable. Not remotely. He is shit.

They don’t typically do anniversary gifts, so no, it’s not the same that the sleep-deprived OP didn’t get her (shit) husband a gift then, and he unusually did (clearly to try to manipulate her into stopping the request for couple’s therapy).

To ignore her stocking and completely fail ti get her any sort of Christmas present is shit and totally disrespectful, especially as he lapped up what he was given.

Sidestep the counselling @TABadger, I’d be looking straight at separation*

*the lack of gift is the symptom, not the cause.

Why are so many men shit at this? They have unlimited notice that Christmas is coming, they know they're wife will be disappointed.. they just can't be arsed. And don't care about hurting you.

The bar is in hell.

Oh wow, I’m sorry, OP. I totally see what you mean about the double blow given that context.

I can never get my head around why someone would flat out refuse to see a therapist and expect the relationship to continue when their partner has told them things aren’t working for them and they need it.

I don’t know how much point there is in just having a conversation with him/telling him straight/etc. Seems like you’ve done that already. Not that you shouldn’t tell him his effort was short lived and it wasn’t good enough, but expecting it to make a difference seems naive. I would start taking action to be in a position to leave. By that I mean mainly improving your earning potential (assuming you don’t have scads of wealth behind you!). Hard when you have a young baby, but the most important step to regaining power and giving you and your children a good future. Don’t agree to an changes that favour his earning potential over yours or that invest lots of family money in something that won’t pay back well in a divorce (moving - unless to somewhere that benefits you, new cars, home improvements, big holidays, etc.). And start to detach emotionally. Stop hoping he’ll change, look elsewhere for emotional support.

He may come around - and if he does you can decide if you’re still interested in him. But try and be in the best position you can be to make the most of your life without him.

Advice on here is often to "match their energy". Give back the same effort as they give you.

He got you an anniversary gift ; you didn't.

So he matched your energy and didn't get you anything for Christmas.

Now you're equal, move on and be clearer in your comms with each other about "are we doing gifts or not" each and every time.

What a horrible, measly way to look at things. So sad to live like that. If my partner deliberately didn't get me a Christmas gift to make a point and 'pay me back', measure for measure and nothing more, I'd be heartbroken.