To be sad husband didn’t give me anything for Christmas and is still being defensive?

[TABadger]

So on Boxing Day, we are opening presents, we get through all presents and I still not seen one from my DH.

There’s one gift bag left under tree and I ask is that mine from you? He says no it’s his secret Santa from his work. [Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I ask where is mine from you? He says “oh but I got you the earrings for our anniversary. “
[Our anniversary was two weeks before Xmas, he did buy me some very expensive earrings but at the time never mentioned it was a joint anniversary/xmas present. I only gave him a card for our anniversary because we don’t always do anniversary gifts. For context, the last time we bought each other anniversary presents was maybe 3 years ago. We normally ask, are we doing presents? And give each other a heads up. Plus we’ve had a pretty rubbish time past few months relationship-wise and have an EBF baby who is still not sleeping so I wasn’t expecting we’d do presents. But when he did give me a gift and all I had was a card, i did apologise and say I’m sorry i didn’t realise we were doing gifts. He doesn’t at any point indicate an intention that this is a joint or early Xmas gift].

So then I’m surprised that he seemed to be saying he didn’t get me anything for Christmas because he got me the earrings. Nothing in my stockings [for 3rd year in a row FYI], not even a box of chocolates, not even a card. I’m so stunned that I say nothing and it takes me a few hours to process this so about 4 hours later, I then say to him I feel sad he didn’t get me anything for Christmas, not even a card. He then interjects and says, “I have a card!” He goes to a cupboard and gets a card and gives to me. I say thanks but why did it take me complaining for you to give to me? I explain that he didn’t mention the anniversary gift was a joint Christmas gift and so it makes me feel like he just forgot. Also that I know the earrings were expensive but I would’ve thought something small for Christmas under the tree or in my stocking so I have something to open from him would’ve been nice and shown that he cared. He then apologised and says sorry it was an oversight on his part.

Thing is, I don’t really feel like he thinks he did anything wrong or that I have a reason to be upset because today we were in the shopping centre and I saw a jacket I wanted in the sale so I bought it and when I rejoined him and the kids with my mum, they asked what I bought and I said it was a belated Christmas gift to myself. My mum who had been with us on Boxing Day says “yeah, you deserve it. I still can’t believe you didn’t get her anything [DH name]”. He then replied “but I bought her nice earrings for our anniversary”. Our 9.5 year old DD had to quip in with: “that’s not really a thing Dad”.

So help me mumsnet, am I being unreasonable to be sad about this?

I also apologise for the lengthy message, wanted to give full context.

I agree with this, how did you rectify not getting him an anniversary present? Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal as you didn’t reciprocate an anniversary present?

Sounds like you have communication issues, you should have a chat and both agree what happens with presents in future and move on to fixing what’s rocky with your relationship.

She’s said they have an ebf baby who’s not sleeping though - that kind of thing falls mostly on the mum, the earrings were probably very deserved. He fucked up with Christmas, and I’d have another chat to him and say this defensive crap isn’t on, I’ve been up all night for months and I deserve something from my husband in my stocking for Christmas, just like you get from me. It was crap, I hope you’ve thought about it and realised that but I personally see no sign of either, which is really disheartening.

His work secret Santa was a massager??

Next year be clearer re the anniversary present and check is it as well as Christmas or instead.

I think you've all made your point now so I would let it drop.

When you say there was nothing in your stocking - so you put up a decorative one for yourself / everyone?

My first thought is that he was upset you didn't get him anything for your anniversary, so this was a 'tit for tat' situation. Especially as he'd written you a card but withheld it until you asked. Is he petty in other situations?

Stockings are for kids for a start...

Look, he got you a really thoughtful surprise for your anniversary. You've said yourself you're both going through a tough time with baby and lack of sleep. Life got in the way.

There's nothing in your post that suggests he doesn't care, quite the opposite.

This is just sad.

OP what did you give him?

This sounds absolutely shit to me. Both the Christmas presents and the lack of acknowledgement of your retirement.

My husband left to his own devices would get me nothing or something really awful, so I make a point of us sitting together afew weeks before and choosing what we get eachother and ordering it online. He is also fussy about what I get him so it kills two birds.

You know him best. Is this yet another example of him being thoughtless/lazy or is it a one off.
I don’t think you can badger someone to be kinder. If they haven’t bought you a Christmas present, they are telling you that they did not want to/had not got round to getting you one. Do what you want with that information, but you won’t be able to make them less selfish.

I have a DH who is rubbish at presents. It did hurt for the first few years until I got used to it and just realised that he was not bothered with presents. I bought my own present and wrapped it for a few years. More recently as DDs have been able to help out I have been given generous presents. DH gives her money and she gets what she knows would make me happy.

Until the OP can get to that situation she needs to be really clear with DH. I would not make anymore reference to this year's fiasco, but next year, at the beginning of December I would have a conversation about presents. Tell DH that she expects a present under the tree/in the stocking. If he needs a list - give him one. Make sure that anniversary and Christmas are treated as different occasions.

Your mistake is being sad, you need to be bloody furious, he’s acting like the injured party when it’s you.

You mention the relationship has been rocky - considering this it is very poor form for your mother and your daughter to stick their noses in with their opinions on the situation. Apart from being rude, it exacerbates things further. By all means, raise your concerns with your husband, but don't allow third parties to get involved.

Could he be being passive aggressive because you didn’t get him an anniversary gift?
I feel like there’s more to it on his part, like there’s some more build up resentment

You're not bu but it's done now. Let it go.

Discuss your plans for the anniversary and for Christmas next year.

I think him not getting you a Christmas present is equally as upsetting as you not getting him an anniversary present. You both fucked up. No one has the moral high ground here.

You seem to be very forgiving of yourself and full of excuses for not buying him an anniversary present, you need to be equally forgiving of him for not buying you a Christmas present. What he did was no worse than what you did.

Have a conversation. Agree whether or not you are going to exchange gifts for special occasions, and then both stick to it. But you should let this go. And your Mum certainly shouldn't be sticking her nose into this. How would you feel if your MIL made passive aggressive digs about you not buying your DH an anniversary gift?

This is so so shitty, and I am so sick of men who feel like they don't need to make a single bit of effort to show their wives or girlfriends love and appreciation at Chritmas. I'd hazard a guess that you made Christmas happen as well. The anniversary is a red herring. You don't do gifts for it - DH and I are the same, and if one of us did randomly get something one year and the other didn't it would be a lovely surprise, and we would have given it with love, and not to get something recipricol, but because we want the other to have the joy of whatever it is we've got them. Christmas is a completely different thing. You give gifts to the people you care about. End of. He's been lazy, thoughtless and selfsih. It's hurtful and shoddy and shows such a lack of loving care.

I think this is a communication issue. Talk to him about when you will exchange gifts in the future and what level you expect.
We normally say what we want or don't get anything as we don't want to waste money just to have a token gift.
The fact he bought expensive earrings may make him think he did get you something, though if you have previously said you don't buy anniversary gifts then it is a bit odd he gave them then and didn't just save them for xmas and then this issue would never have occurred.

They bloody are not! We all have stockings in our family, it’s part of the fun :)

This all sounds a bit pathetic.
You didn't buy an anniversary present, he did.
He didn't buy a Christmas present, you did.
Seems equal to me. And there's really no need for your mother and child to be "chipping in" to defend you - that just backs up my original thoughts - a bit pathetic.

There's no excuses it's selfish and thoughtless af.
And the fact he's trying to isr the excuse of the earrings prior to it makes it even worse.
He's an asshole.

Completely agree. @BellaCiaoBellaCiao you should expect and demand to be treated better. The whole “I’m fine with it” is a defense mechanism women who are treated shit do to themselves to avoid being hurt.

There is a communication issue. You didn’t get him an anniversary gift so he didn’t get you a Christmas one. You both need a conversation going forward about what you expect. In the past I bought a partner a Xmas gift without mentioning it.,He didn’t get me anything. But I hadn’t discussed and he didn’t overly celebrate it. Communication was the problem.