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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To know how much to tell my daughters

167 replies

Happyface246 · 05/01/2025 20:08

Dd1 has gone to uni and has her first boyfriend. I think I need to have a chat with her to see if she is using contraception. My husband says that I should let her know that I got pregnant at 22 (it ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks) so that she can see that an unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone which I’m pretty sure she is already aware off! My mum and I didn’t have a close relationship and didn’t really talk about these kinds of things. I’m going to have ‘the talk’ with her but unsure as to how much I include. Any advice welcome x

OP posts:
Eyerollexpert · 05/01/2025 23:01

A typical uni student would probably know more than you about contraception! What you need to emphasise is that she can come to you about absolutely anything, and you will listen and not judge but support and help if needed. This goes for sons too. I have 2 of each all been uni and all had various issues at one time or another some more serious than others. I know 100% they still know I am here for them, as a single parent it has been awkward for me discussing son problems but I have always just been matter of fact, same with girls nothing is too personal, believe me they never stop needing Mum, my oldest is 33.😊

Isthismykarma · 05/01/2025 23:03

I always see online proud mums saying they’re an open family, always spoken to their children about sex, contraception, no subject off the table etc.
In reality, none of my friends had a sex talk from our parents apart from one who said it was excoriating and not helpful at all.
I went to university and got my first boyfriend at 18, my mum had a little chat with me to make sure I was signed up to the uni GP and if not did I need to go home to get the pill etc. I was sensible so didn’t need it but appreciated it, in my case the OP having a chat with her daughter would be a nice idea.

To every mum who is so much better than the OP telling her off and saying this should have happened years ago, how is that helpful at all?

TopshopCropTop · 05/01/2025 23:08

A solid 6-8 years too late for “the talk” I’m afraid. The internet and her peers have raised her and schooled her already. Make sure she’s registered with a GP.

cabbageking · 05/01/2025 23:37

They have the talk in school and cover contraception, STDs etc.

I would have the chat about not getting pregnant by accident regardless.

There should be a doctors surgery associated with the uni and ensuring she is signed up regardless of any chat would be sensible.

Heidi2018 · 05/01/2025 23:49

She will have had plenty of talks in school and colleges are always promoting about safe sex, but I still think it'd be nice to have the conversation and open up the lines for her to talk to you about this! There's no need to tell her about your miscarriage at 22 though. I think some day you could tell her, but not in a conversation about contraception.

ManchesterLu · 05/01/2025 23:51

She's an adult. It is no longer your job to lecture her about anything. She will know everything she needs to know - you should have spoken to her about this years and years ago.

BruFord · 06/01/2025 00:30

Before DD went to uni last year, I suggested that it might be a good idea for her to speak to her doctor about contraception-she’d had boyfriends, but hadn’t been serious with anyone yet. I believe she did talk to the doctor and she went on the Pill at some point.

Of course your DD will have heard about the various options, but I don’t think there’s any harm in reminding her that it’s so easy to get pregnant at their age so it’s best to get it sorted out. Then step back and let her deal with it.

hellywelly3 · 06/01/2025 00:45

I think this talk should have been about 5 years ago! Very strange that you think she’ll need it now.

Shudahaddogs · 06/01/2025 17:52

I think your a day and a dollar behind. It should of been at 15...

sushibelt · 06/01/2025 17:59

Patronising AF

Duechristmas · 06/01/2025 18:14

With respect, you're way too late for the talk, the talk should come pre 16. She's an adult now.

Heidi2018 · 06/01/2025 18:16

FWIW, this talk would've been wasted on me (or any of my friend group) at 15 / 16 and would've been welcomed at the start of college. Opening up lines of communication is important at any age!

Lovelynames123 · 06/01/2025 18:16

Gosh, mine are just almost teenagers and we've had the talk about contraception! 22 I would hope she knows herself by now!

WisePearlPoet · 06/01/2025 18:16

She probably knows more than you....

ipredictariot5 · 06/01/2025 18:48

The main thing to check is how she accesses healthcare for which you don’t need a formal contraception talk.My DC there has always been a lot of confusion as to whether they are our home GP or the uni one or one in an area they rent in. Contraception is usually v easy to access though. I also made sure my DD knew about free emergency contraception but also that she had enough money in her account that if she suddenly got panicked and tried to buy it she could. Unis are v up on making sure the students know but also if they do not sign up for the uni GPs at the start of the course they sometimes forget to.
and don’t tell her about MC when I was 20 I was in hospital with my DM who was having a MC at 44. It was horrible and I didn’t need to or want to know

Feelinadequate23 · 06/01/2025 18:53

completely disagree with most PP! Yes, ideally the chat would have been earlier but that doesn't mean it's no use now, given the daughter has only just got her first boyfriend. Not everyone DTD before 18!

OP I would have a casual chat with her and let her know that there are a number of options available, including the pill, coil, etc. pros and cons of each. Let her know she can talk to you at any time. Entirely up to you whether you share your personal information - I would only do so if she seems dismissive of the idea of being safe in general.

Good luck!

Buffs · 06/01/2025 19:13

I don’t imagine she needs a talk about contraception at 22. She will have worked it out by now.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 06/01/2025 19:20

I'm sure she knows all about contraception but maybe have a chat with her about her relationship and open the lines of communication that way. If she is opening up a bit ask her if she is being really careful and if she needs any advice on this. It might be nice for her to have her Mum supporting the relationship.

This reminds me of my Mum. I was 22 and my cousin got pregnant. My mum was absolutely dumbfounded this could happen, she rang me and asked me if I was careful and is said yes, end of discussion. I had a BF of 3 years at that point and a good few exs. That was in 2000s!

Houseshmouse · 06/01/2025 19:27

YABVU to have 'the talk' with a grown adult. This has to be a joke?!

laraitopbanana · 06/01/2025 19:35

Better now than never.

Don’t be cool. Be clear and helpful such as : BRING the contraception to her. BRING her to the pharmacist so that she can have what she needs and allow prescription to not come by home.

Sillyname63 · 06/01/2025 19:38

I would have definitely had the conversation before uni, but as that hasn't happened I would aim of more towards STI, then obviously you have contraception covered
Say something like it lovely that she is in a new relationship and try and talk about how our feelings in the beginning can overtake our us and how easy it is to " forget" about contraception , also about the morning after pill but that it should only be used in absolute emergency. I would not mention your own pregnancy but perhaps, that even an unplanned pregnancy that ends in a miscarriage leaves a scar that stays with you .
Out curiosity why haven't you spoken about these subjects before uni if not before that.

BruFord · 06/01/2025 19:40

I could be misreading the OP, but I believe that her DD is 18. The OP is the one who got pregnant at 22.

Most parents still offer their adult children guidance and support at 18 as they’ve literally just entered adulthood. So I think it’s fine to mention contraception and suggest that she speaks to her doctor. Leave it at that.

Tdcp · 06/01/2025 19:41

My daughter is 10 and contraception has come up in the puberty talks we've been having. Talking about this at 22 is a little weird.

Titasaducksarse · 06/01/2025 19:46

Errrm bolt and stable door springs to mind

WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet · 06/01/2025 19:48

Hi @Happyface246! Forget about "the talk" or whatever (as if it was a universal rule with a rigid schedule).
I completely understand how overwhelming communication with your daughter/s can be if you had a difficult relationship with your own mother.
I think the only person who knows how much you need to tell her is you: trust in yourself. If you feel like sharing some of your experiences will genuinely be of help to her, then do share them when and where there's opportunity. Likewise, if you sense that some things won't help her or would upset her, then don't share them.
The important thing to remember is: you are not your mother. And also: you know your daughter best, or at least, care genuinely for her. So the best way to aproach this is with honesty, humility (knowing you may be clumsy) and love. Good luck!