To know how much to tell my daughters

[Happyface246]

Dd1 has gone to uni and has her first boyfriend. I think I need to have a chat with her to see if she is using contraception. My husband says that I should let her know that I got pregnant at 22 (it ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks) so that she can see that an unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone which I’m pretty sure she is already aware off! My mum and I didn’t have a close relationship and didn’t really talk about these kinds of things. I’m going to have ‘the talk’ with her but unsure as to how much I include. Any advice welcome x

You should have had this conversation years ago.

Correct!

I agree with others that this should've happened years ago. However on the off chance that it did and you're just wanting to be helpful to her now she's away and can't as easily ask for you for help, how about asking if she's got herself registered with the university GP, or if she's found out where the local sexual health clinic is, in case she needs to go there? You could have a look online and send her the links. There seems to be a growing trend for students to remain registered with their home practice but I would strongly encourage her to register with the university specific GP if there is one, or another location appropriate one if not. It'll be much easier for her to access all healthcare when she's there.

You're very late to the party, OP! Did you naively think your DD wouldn’t be having sex until she was 18 years old and away at university? Chances are she’s a lot more experienced than you’d think.

Pointless having the chat now. Better just to casually drop into conversation something along the lines of “I hope you’re being safe. Let me know if you need me to grab you some condoms next time I’m in Tesco”

Send her a care package with a pack of condoms thrown in. She'll either roll her eyes and never will it be mentioned again. Or it'll open the door to her feeling she can actually talk to you about sex 👍

Nothing wrong with making it clear you're available to chat about it if she wants - I've done that with my DS (also first year uni, and has a girlfriend there) but not pushing information on him. And answering questions about (say) the mini pill or whatever in a factual, calm way if asked is never a bad idea.

Have sex unprotected = pregnancy at some point.

Have sex unprotected = potential to catch a sexually transmitted disease.

I'm sure those 2 nuggets of information are not new to her .

Wow! You're lucky to ever see a GP let alone be able to arrange meetings just in case your DD wants a chat! I wish I lived where you do.......

But totally agree with all your points.

I'm sure OPs DD knows all the facts - they hear it at school and talk with their friends. My DD asked for a mooncup soon after starting - they weren't even a thing when I was having periods! She isn't one to discuss stuff but since then I have never bought her any tampons or pads so it obviously works for her.....

I'm sure most girls are pretty switched on these days.

I never actually had a ‘talk’ about contraception with my daughter because it is a chat she would have had amongst her friends at school.Sex was talked about in a general way but it was not a BIG intense conversation. We are very close and BFs always made very welcome.The only serious chat I had with her prior to uni was about drugs,drinks being spiked and always staying and looking after friends on nights out.

Sorry - my previous message was meant to be a reply to this.....

I think 9 years old is a little young tbh!!

I know a lot of posters are slating you @Happyface246 for not having this conversation earlier but there's no harm in having it now.

I'd leave out your own history though tbh. Kids don't need or want to know that!

Yes. Grow up and be a parent!

Hope you haven't sent her off to Uni without knowing her arse from her elbow. If you haven't then you have really let her down - unwanted pregnancies STDs, the lot.

It’s not too late to raise it in a mild and caring manner. Confirm that you know she’s a sensible lass and will be doing the right thing but as a mum you felt you had to mention it because now it’s real with a boyfriend. It’s just showing you care and that you want the best for her.

Exactly. It’s you who has the problem not your DD. Honestly the vast walls parents erect between their kids and themselves in the name of embarrassment. It’s just sex FFS.

You also should have talked to your DD about porn and consent.

And DMs should also be talking to their DSs and telling them porn is not real life and it’s not what most women want. Grasp the nettle people. Or we will all disappear in a vaccum of fetid shame.

I’ve always spoken to my teenage boys (19 and 15) about relationship and sex issues over the dinner table when they can’t get away!

I usually try to use something in the media to start the conversation going. For example, the Giselle Pelicot rapes as a springboard for a conversation about consent. Or the girl who just slept with 100 men as a means to discuss STIs and HPV. Or even “There was a thread on MN today about the pressure on girls to send nude photos. What would you do if someone you really liked asked you for one?”

If you just keep it factual and don’t be all embarrassed yourself, then kids take their cue from you. My 15 told me last week, very matter of fact, that his foreskin feels very tight and would I mind making an appointment at the GP so he can “make sure it all works properly now before I start using it with girls in the next few years”! I was quite amused but very proud that he could talk to me about it.

Aw you're getting a bit of flak here OP. To be fair, if it's your DD's first boyfriend, you wouldn't have chatted about contraception etc much before because it wouldn't have been relevant.

Is she still home for Xmas? I would just choose a moment to say, have you thought about where to register for your GP? Students have to decide when they go away, whether to stay at home practice or to register locally to uni. You could say, erm this is a bit awkward but wondered in case you want to get an appointment to go on the pill at some stage? You can also say another time, especially if you're doing her a shop, I've got you some condoms as well.

I always have condoms and pregnancy tests in just in case, same as sanitary products. I think if you gradually normalise talking about it, it's more likely she'll tell you if there ever is an issue. You just want to know if she did accidentally fall pregnant or had a scare, she'd feel she could talk to you.

Having said all that, I wouldn't assume someone of that age is having sex - this generation are waiting longer and average age is low to mid 20s I think. Gauge her reaction - she might not even be thinking about it yet.

Agree with @PlopSofa

We're not in the 1950s anymore. I don't know anyone who doesn't have open and honest conversations with their teens/20 somethings, boys and girls, about sex, contraception, relationships, porn, drugs. These things aren't embarrassing, they're a normal part of life. Be embarrassed or ashamed and you're setting your kids up to think there's something embarrassing and shameful about sex.

This can’t be the first time you are talking with her about this surely. She’s a grown woman now! I’d say you’re many years late!!

I remember being drunk and talking to my 14yr old stepdaughter about my abortion which was probably great contraception advice.

There are lots of 18 year old who aren't having sex! My DD and most of her good friends haven't had a boyfriend and haven't had casual sex. In fact most of the teens I know didn't have boyfriends or girlfriends until they went to Uni. I've had a chat to DD about safety if drunk etc but haven't had a specific conversation about contraception although we talk about all sorts of stuff over dinner etc. I'll bring it up when needed although she will know all about it. Same with DS- he's younger but had a girlfriend briefly. But unless they were doing it whilst ice skating or in the public library I don't think he's had sex either!

Just read full thread. Am shocked!! You need to talk to her about contraception and consent pretty urgently I’d say. You’ve put her at huge risk imo. Time to let go of your embarrassment and just face it. The consequences for your daughter could be huge..

Having said all that, I wouldn't assume someone of that age is having sex - this generation are waiting longer and average age is low to mid 20s I think. Gauge her reaction - she might not even be thinking about it yet.

I'm going to second this. My generation (early 90s), everyone I knew was desperate to lose their virginity by 16/17. Talking to my kids older than this and huge numbers of their friends just aren't bothered, for a variety of reasons - the hassle of relationships (which seems very different in today's world), the fear of stds and pregnancy, porn sex expectations.

Very very late for this conversation! I never had a conversation with my mum but I made sure that I did with my two boys. Am very open with them even now they are adults

100% speak to her. My mum was always open and honest with me and it made our relationship stronger and made me more careful about things like that. Of course she knows about contraception already, she ain’t been living under a rock I’m guessing! But to hear her mum is thinking of her in this way should be good for her. Just be cool about it 😌