To know how much to tell my daughters

[Happyface246]

Dd1 has gone to uni and has her first boyfriend. I think I need to have a chat with her to see if she is using contraception. My husband says that I should let her know that I got pregnant at 22 (it ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks) so that she can see that an unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone which I’m pretty sure she is already aware off! My mum and I didn’t have a close relationship and didn’t really talk about these kinds of things. I’m going to have ‘the talk’ with her but unsure as to how much I include. Any advice welcome x

Gosh, yes, horse has bolted on that one. This has tickled me though, imagining how such a conversation would go now.

I think people are misreading the op, but I can see why ‘talking’ to even an 18 year old is a bit ‘horse bolted’ moment. What I would try and get through to her is about sex and drinking. How much easier it is to be convinced a condom isn’t needed when had a skin-full, how she should make sure she’s backed up on her own contraception and never be embarrassed to go for the MAP if needed. But drink and sex at a young age is what caught me out at uni, even if I thought at the time I knew better.

Yes, absolutely the right approach.

Yeah I'm with everyone else, you're a good 5 years too late to be having this chat. She's at uni - she knows what sex is and she's got internet access to google anything she's not sure about.

Also, I'm not saying this to be cruel, but if you haven't created the kind of relationship where you can talk about sex and relationshps openly before now then it's very unlikely she'd come to you for support in the case of e.g. an unwanted pregnancy anyway, so I think throwing it in now would feel a bit odd.

Maybe remind her when you speak to her that she can talk to you about anything, even a 'and I'm sure you know about contraception etc but that's included' maybe, but I wouldn't do more than that if I were you.

That talk is well past its time.

This won’t be the first conversation though right…?

I wouldn’t assume she is well informed.

My 16yo DD has really good sex ed at school but there is so much they don’t cover.
My friends dd gave birth last year at the age of 16. She didn’t know that sex didn’t have to be penetrative to result in pregnancy.

Tbh I knew about contraception and accidentally got pregnant twice, once at 20 which ended in an abortions and once at 25 which was too far along to abort.

No harm in sharing your experiences with her and just checking in. I was taking the pill back to back the second time.

Youve left it way too late for that talk. You think she doesn't know about contraception?

My mother used to say that "your sex life is your own, but we don't want any bastards in the family".

You are massively unreasonable to a) think she needs 'the talk' at her age b) to not have had it previously and c) to project your trauma onto her

She’s been at uni since August/September surely 🤣 I’m sure she’s worked out things for herself by now - she’s an adult!

Eww

How have you waited this long to (not yet) talk about contraception?!

What a peach 😂

So many odd threads tonight with OPs not returning or drip feeding into bigger stories.

I talked to my DSs about it from early teens. No big ominous sit down “talk”.

Just like anything else I talk to them about (drugs etc), it happened naturally as and when we got onto such topics.

If you’ve never spoken to her about it before, it really depends on your relationship. I’d go for bright and breezy at an opportune moment when it’s just the two of you. Approach it in tone as you would with a close friend. You could say you hope she doesn’t mind you asking her. But because you had an unplanned pregnancy, you want to be a good mum and make sure it doesn’t happen to her. Simply ask if she needs any advice or support with contraception.

If she says she doesn’t need anything (quite likely, initially) then I wouldn’t push it any further. But let her know you hope she’ll never feel awkward if she ever wants to talk about it with you, as you’re her mum and you love her. And reassure her if she ever wanted a chat, everything she says to you would be in strict confidence between the two of you. It’s important she knows you wouldn’t mention to her dad if she wouldn’t want that.

Surely this is a wind up....

I was thinking one of those AI things that keep popping up.

You're joking right? Do you mean the conversation you usually have around 13/14?

As others have said this should have been a conversation years ago. If a girl has got to university without knowing about contraception well that’s a big failure on both her parents and her school as there should have been a conversation at home and/or at school well before now

Also surely your DD and her friends have discussed it.

I'm guessing she's 18 so an adult. Bit late now for the talk. I went to the family planning at 14 and asked to be put on the pill. I wasn't having sex but did have my first proper boyfriend. Better to be safe than sorry.

She's an adult. Why didn't you have thus talk at 14?

I think at that age it could seem a bit weird if you never did before

I've never spoken to my teen DD about contraception.

I've just never known how to bring it up.

We had one very brief conversation when she started her period. I gave her a variety of products but we've never discussed periods again since.

She's not had a boyfriend so relationship/sex stuff hasn't directly come up.

I know she's been taught sex ed at school.

I've given her books & magazines with articles on sex/relationships etc.

But no actual conversation. I think we'd both be so embarrassed we'd hardly speak.

Any advice?