Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

Now you are a mum you don't have the luxury of being scared. The message isn't great so rewrite or just go to CMS. This is about your baby not you. I hated not having my dad on my birth certificate as a child and young person.

No. Go straight to CMS.

How long were you with Baby’s Dad for ?

Were you living with him ??

Would it be better to make a claim on his assets ?

I hope you are doing ok under the circumstances and while navigating motherhood and an abusive and unsupportive husband. X

And I know you said you had "various reasons" for not going to CMS but there are no good reasons.

I hadn't realised there were so many pages when I posted so I apologise if my post upset you. He owes your daughter financial support and everyone in similar positions should take it as even if they don't need or want it, it's not their money they are turning down and it can be saved fir the child's future.

FWIW the man who abused me got away with it for thirty years then was sent to prison for what he did to me. It's not always too late.

Im not sure why you dont think that housing element wont be included, unless you are living at home and paying rent to your parents.
In the long run thats probably not sustainable, and maybe you are relying on them for childcare,.
However you could get a small flat of your own, where your housing element will be paid, and as others have said, you will get help with nursery fees from UC, and possibly childcare vouchers from your work. Its always nice for children to have contact with their grandparents, but even if you lived seperately that could happen, and sometimes its better not to rely on them 100% for childcare as it can be quite exhausting / restricting for them, or they can get sick. If you are in a nursery or with a childminder, there is often flexibility, or GPs can help on sick days, The more options you give yourself the better.

It seems as though maybe you specifically want him to pay because of fairness/ justice/ getting something back for what was done to you.

I get that but you need to admit that's your motivation and put those feelings to bed because the reality is that he will no way just pay up easy peasy from one text. Best case scenario he will eventually pay CMS minimum after a world of wrangling and pain. Worst case he goes for and gets contact rights. You will be reminding him that you exist and, if he is as abusive as you say, he will obviously relish the chance to exert power and control over you.

On the other hand it really looks as though you can improve your financial situation without taking the risk of involving him. I know what I would do first.

Well, he does owe you maintenance and back payments for same, and your current financial situation is awful. But you don't want any contact, and if you pursue payment you think he is more likely to force his way into your lives than if you leave it alone. That, I think you'd find, is an even worse situation than you being so skint. As he IS the father, there is always the danger that he could force his way in anyway, but since you can't do anything about that, I'd just do as good a disappearing act as I could.

Every bit of this.

Pensions definitely count as income for CMS calculation. He has to live off something if he gives up his job so OP could always ask CMS to investigate source of income (e.g savings interest) if he tried to say he had no or minimal income.

I would stay away from this man at all costs. The £500 per month is not the worth the aggro.

This is good advice above, OP. I completely understand your thinking, but, having been in a similar situation, I urge you to re-assess.

Importantly, I would NOT under any circumstances send that email or pursue CMS. Can you not see how this man will use that to torture you further? He’s said nothing about your DD - that’s good. Odds are he’ll be happy to continue to ignore her as long as you ignore him for financial support. Take that implied offer. It’s by far the best thing you can do - for yourself and your DD.

Are you on your local council housing list? If not, get on this asap. You could then be awarded a property with no need to pay a deposit and at an affordable rent. You could also rent privately.

You need to take advice about your savings and debt. If you pay the debt off and get below £16k, you’ll be entitled to UC. Although you might not think so now, this will make a big difference. It opens doors, it provides a cushion, and, importantly, it reduces stress.

I agree with this, although it’s tough financially raising a child alone it’s safer than having a potential sex offender near your daughter. I would be protecting her at all costs and keeping him as far away as possible.

Sorry this is a long reply..
Firstly I am so so sorry to read what you’ve been going through..

Secondly, know that this is short lived and it all will get better. I’ve been through very rough times too and while you’re going through it feels like it’ll last forever - it won’t!

on the things you’ve discussed, I think you need to break it down, as there are lots of very separate things going on here, which are not linked. Some I have experience of so will give you my opinions from my experiences.

Money - don’t send the message, go straight to CMS. He isn’t nice, you adore your daughter and that money will make life so much easier both for you and her. He is legally obliged to pay it, so just take it. Do what’s right for you and your girl, and extra money will make a big difference. My mum chose not to take money from my dad, and I went without a lot growing up and used to begrudge it every time she showed off to her friends that she didn’t take money from him. (To be clear, she could afford, and paid for my brother, she was abusive and it was only me who didn’t get or couldn’t have very basic things like school clothes and deodorant etc).

Next, contact. It’s highly unlikely that he will go for contact, if he’s not even bothered up to now, but if he does it is completely separate to maintenance. He would have to go through court and you will get a say. I went through family court with two of my kids, and it isn’t nice but isn’t as biased as a lot of people say. There’s lots already that would go against him, the fact he hasn’t bothered at all, the allegations made him against him, he doesn’t need to have been charged for this to be considered! The fact that you had to escape when you were pregnant, presumably you have proof of this? It will help

and finally, he raped you. Report him. Police have to take it more seriously than ever before. It might come to nothing, it might get dropped. But firstly you’re showing him he can’t mess with you, and then if it does come to court then you have more weight to your reasoning for him to not see your daughter. And it sounds like his reputation is important to him, so there’s a bigger chance that he’ll pay quietly and leave you alone..

just my thoughts and I wish you all the luck in the world x

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders despite the awful trauma you have been through. And you are doing a fab job of being a mum too. It’s impressive. You will get to a better life. I’m confident of that.

Totally get why you don't want to go into your financial situation online op but if the debt was accrued during the time you were with him it might be worth speaking to womens aid to see if they can help with it. I've been able to get debts written off for women who accrued it through financial abuse before? Might be worth exploring.

@Journeyintomelody
Are you receiving all the benefits you are entitled to?
In your situation I would try to avoid him at all costs, even if I was short of cash.
Can you move to a cheaper area/home?
Probably a good idea if he knows where you live.

If you haven't checked this before, have look:-

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/intro/home?cid=60efe528-5611-43c3-8605-e19630eb3bf0

Contact Citizens Advice as well.

Once again for all the kind words of support and advice. It means so much to me.

The financial stuff really is a separate issue. It is outing to go into details I don't feel comfortable going into the ins and outs online but I feel like the people who took time to comment deserve at least a partial explanation. I didn't 'overspend', I took out a student loan. When tuition fees were refunded I kept the cash rather than paying back safe. This means I cannot claim UC. I have split the money - maternity pay (this is where the 500pm comes from) and the other part is for my long term plan which will improve my financial situation significantly. I have thought about this carefully. In 5 years time i aim to be on double abusers salary (very real estimate) BUT this means int he short term living like I'm skint. (Which I kind of am).

HOWEVER, I'm very glad the topic of finances came up because it helped me see something important. Two things drove me to write the draft message. 1. Anger at the unfairness of it all (when you've lived in £125 a week for 10 months and have at least 6 months to go, I just feel tired and stuck in the middle of it) 2. Doubting myself. All I have to do is stick to the plan and put one foot in front of the other but it still feels so distant even though I've come far.

My decision: I'm not going to apply for CMS. I'm going to focus my energy on my daughter and my career.

I'm very very grateful for all the support and kindness on this thread.

You are amazing and you will thrive. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Good luck, OP!! You’re going to do great and your baby is very lucky to have you 💖

Echoing this comment and the one above. DC is so lucky to have such a strong woman to look up to and call mum ❤️ xx

@TableDoorbellSmile @YourGladSquid @JustMyView13 Thank you, I'm getting all emotional 🥲

Op you are amazing and your daughter is so lucky to have such a fantastic mummy.

I get you feel the unfairness, I felt that too because it's bloody hard but you will reep the rewards.

Remember this is short term pain for long term gain. Take any help offered to you such as meals etc.

Keep taking those steps and look after yourself and your gorgeous girl. 💕