Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

I didn't know this, thanks!

Sorry you are going through this.
I second the advice of @TableDoorbellSmile and others, to see Citizen's Advice... and maybe Women's Aid may have some ideas about where to get help, or about the whole birth certificate issue.
Better to speak to them first before sending anything in writing.

I haven't gone into depth with my finances because it's complicated. I have more than UC threshold but I can't spend it because I need it to pay off debt. But I'm not doing that just yet as I need the safety net and somewhere to live. My goal is to get back to work asap and pay off debts with my salary. This means that I will always have something to support DD. I was in a position where I had £4 on my account and I am never returning to that place again. So. Yes 500 is what I have to live on each month because the way I see it I am currently just holding on to other people's money that isn't mine to spend.

I've read all your updates so understand why you don't want any contact from him. It sounds like you've been through a horrific time and are now in a very difficult position.

From reading your posts though, it sounds like their is only one possible positive outcome for you - he gives you £500 a month and never makes any contact. Honestly, how likely do you think that is? Because I would say there is literally no chance of that! So on that basis, don't do it.

You do have money, thousands if you cannot get UC.

He should pay but in these circumstances there is no way I would be having any contact with him/trying to get money at all.

If you were broke, then I would understand why you’d have no choice but you have money now and when that runs out, then you can apply to UC to get a top up.
You should be back at work by then too and get better income.

Sending that message would be silly because 1 its an empty threat, 2 you should be having absolutely no contact with him and 3 your concerns about going through cms would still be valid with a private arrangement.

You’ve said yourself that he can easily stop working and then you’ll get 0 anyway.

oh silly me I must go find myself a brain sell .

Was simply a question.
Maybe you don’t know what your entitied too
Maybe there was other reasons you weren’t applying .
Loads of reasons my comment is just as valid as the rest. .

Your allowed 6k in savings so you must be well
over the thresh hold then, but who am I too comment . 😂

You are right and I've thought about this a lot. From what I know of him, I honestly believe he would just pay it for an easy life...but then again I don't know him that well. He pleaded the incompetence card before and I fell for it. I can't be sure if it was an act or actually what he's like. I'm now leaning towards staying away completely but then I get a sudden rage that it is so grossly unfair for DD and it makes me so mad!!!

Is the 'hush money' from ex? And separate to the tuition refund?

I am glad your dad is supportive 💞 lean on him when you can 💞

Sorry, didn't mean to offend. I do honestly appreciate you taking the time to reply. I read your first comment as a jibe. As I said I have money in savings but it's not mine to spend.

Not true, sadly. Recent legislation removes PR from child rapists but not men who rape adult women.

As a PP says, it’s not uncommon for men who abuse the mothers of their children to get access on the basis they aren’t dangerous to children.

He could go for 50/50 custody and if he has no criminal convictions and is supporting two children at university (so can be portrayed as a loving father) he might well get it. If the OP fights it, that’s parental alienation and she ends up with supervised visitation in a contact centre for a couple of hours a month.

Absolutely the worst case scenario but does the OP want to risk it?

A university.
Haven't had a penny off my rapist.

Sometimes a person can get a fixed idea of how they should manage things, and actually, they're not thinking straight. Particularly when dealing with trauma. It might be there's a better way of managing your financial situation.

I think you might be wise to get some financial advice and get a different perspective on what you're doing from an expert you can share all the relevant information with. There are free money and debt advice services.

From what I know of him, I honestly believe he would just pay it for an easy life...but then again I don't know him that well.

But then you’re worried about the repercussions of going through cms.

He sounds like a dangerous man, who would no way just pay for an easy life - which you’ve said.

You have at least £16k in savings.
Pay yourself more than £500 a month and do not contact him for another 6 months to give yourself time to think.

Once you contact him, you cannot take it back.

It’s good you’re being sensible with your money but your skint and your DD is going without, whilst you’ve got thousands sitting in the bank.
Spend it because that’s what it’s there for.
Budget still but once it’s under £16k you can get UC top ups.

I have nightmares about this happening one day. 😢

How is it not your money to spend? If it's ring fenced for debt then pay the debt and start claiming UC!

@Channellingsophistication(have tagged wrong person and it won't let me untag)

She is actually has to have over £16,000 in order to be ineligible for UC. £6,000 is just the level when they start to reduce it a bit.

@Journeyintomelody why aren't you paying off your debt in full now with your significant savings then claiming UC? That's the obvious thing to do.

Also, if you got your student fees refunded, and you are what, 19, 20 years old, what is this large debt you're paying off?

Agree very much with this. A debt advice charity would help you with another perspective on what to do with your money. Please get advice.

I totally get that and I would feel the same.

In your shoes I would do nothing re CMS, block any contact and live your lives as though he doesn’t exist. If he hasn’t even acknowledged the birth at all in nearly a year he is not going to randomly wake up tomorrow and decide he wants to be on the birth certificate and have contact. BUT if you reach out, whether that is yourself or via CMS, you put yourself and your child back on his radar and once you set those wheels in motion it’s hard to stop them again.

It is so shit and so unfair, but I really would find absolutely any other way to keep yourselves afloat financially without having to go to him because the money would not be worth the worry or danger he could bring.

Great advice! I haven't been in the headspace to maximise finances until now. I have debts that are increasing but I am not paying them off because my logic is better to have the cash to hand. I would rather pay X amount of interest per month for peace of mind and then attack debt from my salary. I am rebuilding everything and I still haven't got my own place. DD hasn't missed out on anything though. She is comfortable, her needs are met and so they should be.

I have already explained this, security. I am not that young. I don't want to go into my finances in detail on this thread. I ask that you respect that. I think I have given enough info in later posts, otherwise it could become outing.

If you have debts, you might be able to go into breathing space. Or mental health breathing space - considering all you’ve been through. I don’t believe they can charge interest during this period, or chase you for it. This might at least help you ‘survive’ this next few months.

It's not security though is it.

Why do you think it's security to have run up lots of debt then hoard the money required to pay it off in the bank to make yourself ineligible for UC.

I understand your logic and I always thinks it’s good to have some savings just in case.

But you’re actually losing out on money.

Your debts haven’t been paid off and you’re not getting UC, so you’re in a worse position.

Can you give us a bit of info on your debts and savings and we can help you come up with a plan.
I think this should be sorted before even thinking about contacting the dad.

Def keep £6k in the bank, as I believe this doesn’t affect UC at all.
The rest of it should either be spent on living or debts, or maybe both, depending on your circumstances which we can try and help you with.

Don’t give out too personal details but sometimes just writing it down and talking through it makes everything so much clearer.

That’s whats so difficult by being on your own and MN has been such a lifeline for me to just discuss things and get a second opinion.

I think sitting down and really looking at your budget and then planning it over the next lot of months is your best option right now. You have a significant amount in savings- more than many people do if you can't claim uc. My guess is credit history may be taken into account if you're looking for accommodation in your name so it'll be important to manage whatever debt you have properly. I think you need to consider how much you're repaying each month, if you're adding anything to your current debt and how much are you actually reducing it by when you take interest into account? If its credit cards could you consolidate and move onto a 0%interest loan instead? I think working with a charity like debt action or CAP would be worthwhile. They can even help with things like securing lower repayment plans/consolidating your loans and acting as a free middle man for you/ budgeting across the year and can even help if it's a tricky unofficial lender in some cases. If you've a lot on your plate outsourcing some of this to them might help.