To think this Tesco worker was a bit OTT?

[Newfamilyhome]

Perhaps I've taken it the wrong way and he was trying to be helpful but it came across a bit condescending if I'm honest.

So, I've just popped into Tesco's for some oil for my car. For context, I top the oil up regularly (not a leak, the car just drinks the stuff) so I'm fully capable of doing it myself. I've messed around with cars for years and see it as a bit of a hobby. Anyway, went to the self scan and the man came over to take the tag off then asked me if the oil light had come on. I said yes and carried on scanning my shopping whilst he stood there and said "make sure you don't put it in whilst the engine is hot and under no circumstances do not put it in whilst the engine is on". I just nodded and said "yes thanks for your help". I was trying to be polite and hoped that he would take the hint that I didn't need any advice.

He then continued "Make sure you wait until the morning before you put it in otherwise the engine might overheat and you could crash into someone else killing them or yourself". I did start to get a bit irritated at this point and said "yes thank you, I top it up regularly so I know how to do it". His reply was "maybe you should ask your parents to do it for you". Not that it matters but I'm 30 years old!! He then asked me what car I had and told me to get rid of it immediately and buy something else 😂

I felt quite flustered by the end and just wanted to get out of the shop. I'm not sure why he felt the need to give me this unsolicited advice tbh, maybe because I'm a woman?

AIBU?

Quite. When will this attitude fucking die? It’s unbelievable.

Oh, I think I know him. He's an ex-professor of automotive propulsion. He spent many years caring for his wife, who had early onset Alzheimer's. He lost her and had a mental collapse. Eventually he took a job at Tesco to get himself interacting with people again. He's quite open about it all. Anyway, it sounds like you were very patient with him, so good for you.

Of course, it might not be the same person I'm thinking of, but there's never any harm in giving others the benefit of the doubt, especially if they haven't done anything particularly hurtful.

If it's an ND woman and an ND man, the woman silently implodes, struggling to find a socially acceptable way to leave the situation and has to have some serious down time to decompress afterwards. Meanwhile the man merrily carries on not even considering he might be missing some social cues.

ND woman here.

Seriously, it does sound like he might be autistic. But he can be both autistic AND sexist - would he have insisted on advising a man in the same way? The autistic bit is him not picking up on the cues to shut up.

However this just means you need to be clear, not rude, in your response. Explain clearly that you know what you're doing, don't need advice. Explain it's rude of him to keep giving unwanted advice if he keeps going after that.

It's really not helpful to just say "Oh, he's autistic so it's ok". Autistic people might struggle with learning social rules, but this means they need to be taught clearly what is appropriate.

Aw you missed an opportunity to explain to him how to scan shopping properly so as not to cause spillages and how to correcly pack the bags without putting veg in with bleach. Maybe he should get his manager to come over at the bit where the transaction goes through the till

I think what I've learned from this thread is that it's not just in my own interest to be firm about refusing uninvited 'advice' from men. It may well be beneficial to their personal development, too. Which is interesting.

I'm ND, and I so wish there was the same understanding energy for the social faux pas of women like me as there has been for (potentially) ND men on this thread. It's also not lost on me that a thread about a woman's actual discomfort has descended into a debate about the possible discomfort of a man who may or may not be ND . . .

@MillyBar
To be blunt, his background is irrelevant and unknown to any customers, he can keep his opinions to himself, for all he knows the customer could be a mechanic.
Please can we all stop twisting ourselves in knots trying to excuse an interfering overbearing man.
ND people can learn manners and skills, it's not a get out to be rude or overbearing or intrusive.
I'm autistic and I remind myself what to say/when to say, never would I use it as an excuse to behave like this.

Well said @SnoopysHoose

I have had to guide my DH into the occasional tight parking spot - I usually shout a lot and gesticulate a lot as if to tell him the gap left behind.

Parking beepers are a godsend

Snap! Not a Citroen is it?

Unsolicited advice is irritating. Unsolicited advice that is bollocks is fucking annoying.

Hilarious but hopefully coming from a helpful place....you must look very young if he thinks your parents should do it.... surprised he didn't want proof your an adult 😁👍

Haha, had to reply to this one. That’s hilarious.

Female race engine builder of 13 years here.

I think to ‘mansplain’ something would mean to actually know what you are talking about.

The amount of times I have topped my oil up, my cars overheated and I have killed people… 😂

Sounds like you are more clued up than he is.

Exactly this. Marvellous mansplaining 👏👏👏

Oh my God - this is where I start telling people to fuck off. I do not need my car explaining to me, I know it well. Certainly better than some random twat in a supermarket.

It’s fine.

You ‘should’ check when engine has not been running for some time (10-15mins is fine) as the oil has settled back into the sump so you will get a more accurate reading on the dipstick.

Some modern cars don’t have a dipstick and read the level whilst the engine is idling or whilst it’s not running depending on which measuring device is fitted. So if your more modern vehicle tells you that you need to top up… then top up. Engine hot or cold… just don’t burn yourself.

On other hand, if you don’t regularly check your oil level and your engine does eventually become starved of oil…. You will most certainly blow the engine up. Hot metal parts moving at 1000’s of revolutions per minute with no lubrication…. BANG!

The only time I have ever scraped my bumper whilst parking was when my idiot manager insisted on guiding me in, waving his arms about as if he was directing a plane. He then said, 'Oh, you've scraped your car.' and left swiftly.

Lesson learned: do not trust people to help you who have the mental acuity of a gerbil.

I think to ‘mansplain’ something would mean to actually know what you are talking about.

On the contrary, the archetypal mansplainer knows less about thr matter than the woman he's explaining it to.

It’s possible, but even new engines consume some oil. The pistons have piston rings which seal the combustion gasses but these rings have a tiny set gap, which in turn causes some combustion gas to leak into the crankcase and some oil to creep up into the combustion chamber, which will burn the oil and exit through the exhaust.

As the engine racks up mileage these rings wear and the seal between the ring and the cylinder bore becomes less effective so more oil will creep through and be burnt. Obviously in this case there was a design issue with this Audi engine which caused more oil to be burnt this way.

Oil can also leak into the combustion chamber from the cylinder head via the valve stem seals once these become older. And of course oil can leak through general leaks, head gasket failures and other types of failures.

He's mansplaining. Ignore.

I'd imagine by the time the mansplaining lecture has been satisfactorily completed, the oil level in the engine will be quite settled.

Maybe it was an attempt at chatting you up? :)

My first thought hearing Ops recounting of the conversation is that the cashier may be ND. He's not explaining because he thinks you need it. He's explaining because he knows about it. Nothing to do with him thinking you need an explanation or you being a woman. He's speaking the thoughts he had in response to understanding your oil light was on and you were buying the oil for that.

Perhaps he gets told to ask his parents to do it for him because he struggles, and is echoing what his parents tell him about the rules of changing oil.

Of course he could just be super sexist but from the description, my gut says no.

He went OTT. But the point with the original mansplaining was that Rebecca Solnit was actually an expert, and had written the book the mansplainer was talking about. He just didn't listen when she tried to tell him.

Whereas how is random Tesco man supposed to know who knows and who doesn't? He's probably seen someone screw things up and doesn't want it to happen again. People aren't psychic, but often we expect others to be able to guess our circumstances.

The point of mansplaining is that they assume you don't know because you're a woman. Nobody needs to be psychic to not insist on offering random advice, and keep going when it's clearly not wanted.

Well let’s be honest here, dear. The fault is entirely your own. Firstly, a woman owning a car. Whatever next! Then to try and buy oil for it yourself, and pay for it yourself and then think that you should worry your pretty little head about doing the top up yourself. Assuming of course that you have the strength to get the cap off the oil can. where will you put it? Do you even know where the engine is, what it looks like .

He was quite right about getting your parents to help. Although of course he did not mean parents he meant parent . As in your Father. Don’t however trouble him until he is home from his very important job. Find him his pipe and slippers, settle him in his armchair, then ask him.