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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable to think she's being unreasonable

275 replies

jadeycakes666 · 04/01/2025 20:03

I am back from a late lunch with long standing friends. One of whom has recently split with husband of 19 years. She cheated on him with one of his friends. Her and husbands friend are not together and she and her husband tried for a while after she told him what had happened.

August last gone she messaged us all to say she had taken his keys and told him to get out as she couldn't stand him being so miserable. We were all slightly taken aback by the attitude seeing as she's the one who broke his heart but it's not our relationship so hey ho. We all have known her husband since they started dating and she asked that we all blank him from our lives.

When he left he stayed in hotels for a while and she told him he wasn't seeing the kids (3 of them) in a hotel until he had a stable home. He found one and she told us all she wasn't letting them go round as he didn't have enough furniture bar a sofa TV and beds for them.

She has told us herself that he has left her the house, the car and all furniture and electronics that he purchased in the house. They also had a joint account with around 22k in which she gleefully told us she had emptied and told him so and he has said no worries keep it for the kids. He also pays her £800 a month CM and sends the kids £50 Weekley for any treats etc they might ask of her so it doesn't dip into maintenance.

At Christmas she very smugly told us she was making him drop his kids presents two weeks early as she didn't see why he should be seeing them over Christmas as she was doing all the work with them, we asked how he was supposed to when she kept rejecting him asking to have them. She got annoyed.

Anyway today she has asked us all for lunch and told us she has served divorce papers and will be going for full spousal maintenance so he has no chance of getting himself on his feet and meeting anyone as he'll have to pay this on top of his voluntary maintenence. She found this really funny. She told us she's better off herself now as UC are paying a fair chunk of her housing fees.

Everyone kind of made a face and another friend sat back and told her she was being extremely insane considering the circumstances.

She stormed off after we settled the bill and has gone home and removed herself from the group chat.

OP posts:
NameChanger91736 · 05/01/2025 02:33

NameChanger91736 · 05/01/2025 00:27

Her behaviour is awful but your definetly no friend of hers with the way you describe her. Your group of friends have no idea what went on in her marriage.

Somthing is amiss here

They also had a joint account with around 22k in which she gleefully told us she had emptied and told him so and he has said no worries keep it for the kids. He also pays her £800 a month CM and sends the kids £50 Weekley for any treats etc they might ask of her so it doesn't dip into maintenance

Hes happy for her to keep 22 thousand pound and he gives her £1000 a month on top of that?

As badly as she is behaving and as awful as you have described her...... it sounds like he has done somthing terrible to her for him to accept all this bad behaviour let her keep 22 grand and giving her a thousand pound on top. Somthings happened that your not aware of

edited to add

Or maybe she knows somthing terrible about him. Somthing has gone on for him to be this accepting of her behaviour

Edited

Just thinking about things aswell and some of it just doesnt make sense

This man can afford to rent a hotel for a few weeks, can afford a deposit and months rent upfront for his house, his rent, his Bill's, his furniture, pay his ex £1000 a month on top, have 22k in the bank & they dont have a mortgage?

Either she or you are exaggerating, some of it just doesnt make sense

JMSA · 05/01/2025 02:35

Wow, what a grade A bitch.

ThisIsSockward · 05/01/2025 02:36

If I found myself in this position (which does seem very unlikely, tbh), I'd stop communicating with her, make sure he knew everything she'd told me (on the chance it might help him prepare), and watch my back. Anyone that evil is dangerous, and I wouldn't put it past her to try to retaliate, if she can find a way.

I do wonder how no-one in your group of friends ever saw any warning that she's so conniving and cruel, if you've been friends any length of time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/01/2025 02:48

jadeycakes666 · 04/01/2025 21:17

He left the house as he didn't want his kids to be witness to any arguing, also he wanted them to remain in their home regardless.

She called us to lunch to say she is serving them so he hasn't had them yet. He has spoken to solicitors and she has refused mediation, so he is now waiting for the next steps with that- according to my husband anyway.

Apparently judges do not look kindly on people, who refuse mediation. If you have the time, I would be personally ensuring the guy gets the settlement he deserves financially and with his kids. Get him to screenshot her messages refusing to allow him to see the kids and go for 50/50 or whatever is in the best interest of the kids. If she’s truly that vile, the less time with her the better.

Yalta · 05/01/2025 03:26

AngelicKaty · 05/01/2025 01:53

@arcticpandas
In the UK she may qualify for spousal maintenance if:

  • They were married or in a civil partnership
  • She can demonstrate financial need
  • She's unable to meet her financial needs independently, and
  • There's a significant difference in their earnings or income
Show quote history

Friend ticked all the boxes and still didn’t get spousal maintenance

It isn’t really the done thing nowadays
50/50 joint custody and everything split down the middle and she gets a job to support herself and dc for her half the week is the start

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 05/01/2025 03:41

jadeycakes666 · 04/01/2025 21:17

He left the house as he didn't want his kids to be witness to any arguing, also he wanted them to remain in their home regardless.

She called us to lunch to say she is serving them so he hasn't had them yet. He has spoken to solicitors and she has refused mediation, so he is now waiting for the next steps with that- according to my husband anyway.

So, she's got the house, the kids, generous child maintenance, the savings ... and he's asked for mediation while she's the one forcing it to go to court ASAP?!
I don't think you need to worry, OP.
Either your (ex?) friend is very stupid and will have her arse handed to in court.
Or, you and your husband are not privy to all the facts, your (ex)friend has very good reason to want this to go to court, and her stbXH has been placating her and giving her everything she asks for and seeking mediation because he has very good reason to want to avoid this going to court.

NameChanger91736 · 05/01/2025 03:45

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 05/01/2025 03:41

So, she's got the house, the kids, generous child maintenance, the savings ... and he's asked for mediation while she's the one forcing it to go to court ASAP?!
I don't think you need to worry, OP.
Either your (ex?) friend is very stupid and will have her arse handed to in court.
Or, you and your husband are not privy to all the facts, your (ex)friend has very good reason to want this to go to court, and her stbXH has been placating her and giving her everything she asks for and seeking mediation because he has very good reason to want to avoid this going to court.

Show quote history

This. I'm surprised more posters havnt clicked on somthing is amiss,

Poppins21 · 05/01/2025 03:46

Cadburyscreamegg · 04/01/2025 20:06

Fucking hell....
There are NO WORDS is there?!
I couldn't be friends with such a money grabbing cow...

Yes this. I hope the divorce backfires on her and her kids choose to live with their Dad.

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 05/01/2025 05:02

AngelicKaty · 05/01/2025 01:53

@arcticpandas
In the UK she may qualify for spousal maintenance if:

  • They were married or in a civil partnership
  • She can demonstrate financial need
  • She's unable to meet her financial needs independently, and
  • There's a significant difference in their earnings or income
Show quote history

SM is vanishingly rare and is usually only awarded when the salary of the payer is extremely high.

She will be expected to get a job, without a doubt. Full time too, once the DC are over a certain age. That will take her income over £20k straight away.

His CMS obligation is less than she's currently getting, on £50k seeing the kids one night a week it's £761 a month.

So, that takes his income down to £41k and hers up to £31k. Not a great deal of difference to be fighting for SM.

Your 'friend' is going to be learning some harsh legal truths if not any moral ones very soon.

femfemlicious · 05/01/2025 05:05

FrannyScraps · 04/01/2025 20:11

I don't think you can get UC with £22k in savings.

This all sounds fake!. Universal credit paying her rent or mortgage?

AngelicKaty · 05/01/2025 05:22

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 05/01/2025 05:02

SM is vanishingly rare and is usually only awarded when the salary of the payer is extremely high.

She will be expected to get a job, without a doubt. Full time too, once the DC are over a certain age. That will take her income over £20k straight away.

His CMS obligation is less than she's currently getting, on £50k seeing the kids one night a week it's £761 a month.

So, that takes his income down to £41k and hers up to £31k. Not a great deal of difference to be fighting for SM.

Your 'friend' is going to be learning some harsh legal truths if not any moral ones very soon.

Show quote history

and @Yalta
I was replying to someone who didn't think we had SM in the UK - and I said OP's "friend" may be eligible if she meets the criteria (which she may do currently as a SAHM, but if her children are older than 3 she will certainly be told to get a job and support herself). It doesn't alter the fact that SM does exist in the UK, even if it's rarely awarded.

AngelicKaty · 05/01/2025 05:24

femfemlicious · 05/01/2025 05:05

This all sounds fake!. Universal credit paying her rent or mortgage?

Show quote history

UC doesn't pay a mortgage - the housing element of UC pays some or all of a claimant's rent.

AngelicKaty · 05/01/2025 05:29

NameChanger91736 · 05/01/2025 02:33

Just thinking about things aswell and some of it just doesnt make sense

This man can afford to rent a hotel for a few weeks, can afford a deposit and months rent upfront for his house, his rent, his Bill's, his furniture, pay his ex £1000 a month on top, have 22k in the bank & they dont have a mortgage?

Either she or you are exaggerating, some of it just doesnt make sense

Show quote history

In her original post, OP wrote: "She told us she's better off herself now as UC are paying a fair chunk of her housing fees." To receive the housing element of UC, the friend and her STBEx must have been renting their home.

CatsndtheBear · 05/01/2025 05:35

Mhmm... Something doesn't quite add up here.
Seems to hit rather a lot of hot button topics that MRA's rant about in regards to how they believe women act.

ueberlin2030 · 05/01/2025 05:54

Good story OP.

Lurkingandlearning · 05/01/2025 06:03

Flipslop · 04/01/2025 20:13

Wrong post I think love?

Show quote history

The woman emptied the joint savings account £22k. Then talked about getting UC

MumsGoneToIceland · 05/01/2025 06:32

Of course YANBU. but I’m surprised you’ve not called her out on her behaviour before now. I’d be asking your dh to give him a heads up on what she’s doing and advise him that he needs to get proper legal advice and start fighting back and insist on proper access to the children, ensuring that there are protections in place that she doesn’t walk away with the house after the kids complete education etc.

ThejoyofNC · 05/01/2025 06:36

I would have had to hell her exactly what I think of her. No way could I remain friends with a demon like that.

brummumma · 05/01/2025 06:47

If he earns £50k a year she has ZERO chance of getting spousal maintenance

It's rare and usually only when someone earns hundreds of thousands/millions a year and then usually it's only for a fixed period of time and the other party is expected to cut their cloth and lifestyle accordingly and get a job

Your friend is delusional and spiteful and I don't know why you have continued to be friends with her

artohmyletmehelp · 05/01/2025 06:53

Fernticket · 04/01/2025 23:27

This. In spades.

Show quote history

If she's real....

Xccccc · 05/01/2025 07:06

This doesn't sound real at all , the writing style is immature and reads like a list of false statements from someone angry or bored.

Gremlins101 · 05/01/2025 07:08

Horrible person. I think you should have all told her so long ago. Don't entertain her again and please make sure her husband is included instead.

Nothanks17 · 05/01/2025 07:57

Your 'friend' is horrible.

If you were friends with the husband, I would be supporting him. I could not be friends with a woman like that, no morals or heart. That treatment is enough to tip anyone over the edge he has lost everything

LookingRuff · 05/01/2025 08:03

This can't be real. He won't pay spousal maintenance, and when it goes to court she will have to do maintenance via cms and get less, the courts won't get involved in child maintenance for this couple as he earns within the cms jurisdiction, she can't be getting UC on top of the 22k - it's virtually impossible to hide the 22k from UC. Why have they been married for so long and don't own property? I'd understand it if they were recently married in the current housing climate but it would be unusual for someone in their situation to be renting if they're together since before house prices went completely insane, and UC will only pay rent not mortgage. The UC rates for housing are set by area and don't actually reflect actual rent prices- it's more of a contribution unless there are other factors at play which don't seem to apply here. This reads like it's made up by a misogynist tbh.

Woodworm2020 · 05/01/2025 08:11

What a horrible and ugly way to behave. Very very unreasonable.
Has she explained why she is being so callous?