Are we being unreasonable to think she's being unreasonable

[jadeycakes666]

I am back from a late lunch with long standing friends. One of whom has recently split with husband of 19 years. She cheated on him with one of his friends. Her and husbands friend are not together and she and her husband tried for a while after she told him what had happened.

August last gone she messaged us all to say she had taken his keys and told him to get out as she couldn't stand him being so miserable. We were all slightly taken aback by the attitude seeing as she's the one who broke his heart but it's not our relationship so hey ho. We all have known her husband since they started dating and she asked that we all blank him from our lives.

When he left he stayed in hotels for a while and she told him he wasn't seeing the kids (3 of them) in a hotel until he had a stable home. He found one and she told us all she wasn't letting them go round as he didn't have enough furniture bar a sofa TV and beds for them.

She has told us herself that he has left her the house, the car and all furniture and electronics that he purchased in the house. They also had a joint account with around 22k in which she gleefully told us she had emptied and told him so and he has said no worries keep it for the kids. He also pays her £800 a month CM and sends the kids £50 Weekley for any treats etc they might ask of her so it doesn't dip into maintenance.

At Christmas she very smugly told us she was making him drop his kids presents two weeks early as she didn't see why he should be seeing them over Christmas as she was doing all the work with them, we asked how he was supposed to when she kept rejecting him asking to have them. She got annoyed.

Anyway today she has asked us all for lunch and told us she has served divorce papers and will be going for full spousal maintenance so he has no chance of getting himself on his feet and meeting anyone as he'll have to pay this on top of his voluntary maintenence. She found this really funny. She told us she's better off herself now as UC are paying a fair chunk of her housing fees.

Everyone kind of made a face and another friend sat back and told her she was being extremely insane considering the circumstances.

She stormed off after we settled the bill and has gone home and removed herself from the group chat.

This. Not coming onto MN and asking if friends behaviour is unreasonable.

I would be dropping the friendship and reporting the 22k savings to the benefits office

shes vile

I agree with this. Disgraceful that some people are starving and freezing and then piss takers get to hide huge savings

What a cunt.

What a piece of shit she is… I am so pleased your friend called her out, I hope you all backed her up when it happened! I would take all this information straight to my DH so he can tell her STBEXH - he needs to know what a nasty, horrible woman she is - and get the right legal advice.

Why didn’t you call her out earlier - the Christmas present/ visit thing is just cruel. Hopefully her kids will get to know what happened and who she really is and treat her accordingly!!

I have NC for this to offer a different perspective. I don't think anyone can really know what goes on inside someone else's marriage and people can present in different ways when it goes wrong.

In my experience I was married to someone who was Mr Nice Guy in public but behind closed doors was the most self-centered and selfish person I have ever met.

He wasn't physically abusive but was extremely manipulative, controlling, financially abusive and passive aggressive. He kept me under his thumb in a very subtle way. I was his housekeeper, caterer, decorator, nanny and general dogbody. He lived like a single man, did what he wanted, gave everyone the impression of Mr family man. I was utterly alone and miserable. I developed an eating disorder. He knew but didn't care.

I put up with it for twenty odd years and one day I just flipped,decided to get out. I didn't have an affair, just made plans to leave including taking legal advice as to what to expect. He was a high earner so my prospects weren't as dire as I thought which was what was keeping me trapped.

I made the fatal mistake of confiding in 'friends', was going out with the same group having a good time. Thought they got it. I was probably as angry as the Ops friend at my husband, which in hindsight probably didn't come across very well.

When I announced I was leaving, omg, what a hand grenade I had unleashed. I was the gold digging, heartless bitch according to them (helped along by him getting in their ears on the sly). They eventually told me they 'were on his side'. I was ostracised from the group.

My point is it's very easy to form a strong opinion about someone else's marriage. I have also seen this again with another friend, poor man is left by heartless wife ( he was a multiple cheat). I think a marriage break-up can bring up all sorts of insecurities in other people, also internalised misogyny in some women who think women should put up and shut up (like they have to do).

The outcome of my divorce was no more Mr Nice Guy. Took me back to court to renege on the original settlement. Didn't pay a penny towards his child's university education. Hasn't seen them for the last ten years, total abandonment. Gone through another marriage and divorce.

Best decision I've ever made, could have done with some understanding from other people at the time.

I would have to cut this friend off.

Normally I continue to maintain friendships with the person I was mates with first if their relationship ends but she has zero morals. I could never trust her and I hate women that weaponise access to children in this manner.

It's women like this I can't fking stand!!!
Selfish greedy and sounds like the shittiest mother, I hope her ex hubby wakes up and takes it all the way, her stolen share of the £22k won't last long. And I hope she gets an std the next affair she has.
Please support this man, he seems decent enough, get a big night out or in organised and make sure she sees plenty of pics with u all! Absolute cow.

Also she can ask for spousal maintenance but not sure she will get it and I don’t think they set it at a level that means he won’t be able to have a comfortable life. Contrary to what is believe in the main men end up richer post divorce, women richer.

But she sounds awful. If she keeps blocking access he should go for a court order and if she plays difficult go for custody.

I hope he gets an absolute stunner of a 25 year old, gets buff and wins the lottery 🤣

There’s something I think that happens in the brain of people who cheat. It’s like they’ve lost their mind. The total and utter selfishness and nastiness MUST be the result of a breakdown or a disorder because no one half decent could possibly behave that way.

It's cognitive dissonance; most people like to think of themselves as good people, and almost everyone agrees that infidelity is a bad thing. So, when a person cheats, it's not uncommon for that person to seek ways of framing their partner as a terrible person, who is completely at fault, and therefore are at blame for everything. It's remarkably common, and seems to affect both men and women pretty evenly.

I agree.

My SIL I mentioned earlier who got pregnant by her affair partner…she went on something of a smear campaign against her DH saying he’d put them into crippling debt

12 years later, she is with affair partner still, they are in crippling debt and her ex has remarried and they live a wry comfortable lifestyle in a 6 bed property and are putting their respective through Uni. Which makes me think it was not him who brought money problems to the marriage

What a fucking biatch. No wonder men top themselves.

she wouldn’t be my friend.

Well said! That poor husband does not deserve such treatment. She is a money-grabbing, selfish, self-centred piece of poo and I am amazed she has any friends at all. I hope Karma comes along and gives her what she deserves!
if she is eating this, I hope she feels ashamed, but I won’t hold my breath. She sounds a really nasty piece of work!

I meant if she is reading it, not eating it! Auto what’s it has a lot to answer for!

Well she sounds absolutely horrendous!

What did the poor guy do to deserve such awful treatment?

This makes me feel really sorry for him. I hope he has some nice, supportive people in his life as this is awful.

She’s being abusive. Full on, abusive and terrifying. Denying a parent access to their children is horrible behavior.

Honestly this is something you really need to call her out on in my opinion as otherwise you are complicit in her abuse. It seems like you eventually did, but genuinely every time she discusses it you need to say, ‘this behavior is abusive and not ok’.

Has she always been like this? Because that behavior seems genuinely psychopathic to me- displaying absolutely no empathy for her husband or her children, who must be really hurting right now and missing their Dad.

She's an absolute horror of a woman. Her ex husband is so much better off without her. What a bitch to do that to him then bleed him dry

Why are you tolerating this awful woman OP?
Well done your friend who called her out on her awful behaviour
Id be supporting her poor husband , he needs to stand up to her cruel unreasonable behaviour

Agreed, I think he definitely needs support - she’s effectively holding his children hostage so if it’s just him standing up to her then she’ll just deny him access. I think he actually needs to get lawyers involved as surely her behavior can’t be legal.

Something isn't right with this post. Your friend seems to be behaving like the injured party. A friend however is a friend. Something is off with her and it sounds out of character? You can tell a friend you're not down with her behaviour with out acting out yourself. Maybe the burden of guilt is weighing heavy?

He's in real trouble it seems...I am wondering if there is a back story? He seems to be delegating all responsibility/ means, like he's punishing himself for her. Sounds dangerously depressed and grief stricken. I don't think it's a sounds like situation, as in sounds like a bitch, sounds like a fool. I think theres some real harm going on. Yeah, look in on him and help him get representation, he's lost his friend and his wife, I'll wager grief (all consuming and paralysed with fear), or won the lottery....and just waiting for her to bog off. Or something else even more mystifying....

I would make a point of really befriending him. He must be going through a really tough time with her and can do with all the friends he can get.

Wow what a vile woman poor guy

Shes not getting help with housing as it's owned but she will be getting quite a bit of UC ... she sounds like a nasty bit of work .. I couldn't be friends with her and would tell her so . And I would be checking in with the husband

This. In spades.