Are we being unreasonable to think she's being unreasonable

[jadeycakes666]

I am back from a late lunch with long standing friends. One of whom has recently split with husband of 19 years. She cheated on him with one of his friends. Her and husbands friend are not together and she and her husband tried for a while after she told him what had happened.

August last gone she messaged us all to say she had taken his keys and told him to get out as she couldn't stand him being so miserable. We were all slightly taken aback by the attitude seeing as she's the one who broke his heart but it's not our relationship so hey ho. We all have known her husband since they started dating and she asked that we all blank him from our lives.

When he left he stayed in hotels for a while and she told him he wasn't seeing the kids (3 of them) in a hotel until he had a stable home. He found one and she told us all she wasn't letting them go round as he didn't have enough furniture bar a sofa TV and beds for them.

She has told us herself that he has left her the house, the car and all furniture and electronics that he purchased in the house. They also had a joint account with around 22k in which she gleefully told us she had emptied and told him so and he has said no worries keep it for the kids. He also pays her £800 a month CM and sends the kids £50 Weekley for any treats etc they might ask of her so it doesn't dip into maintenance.

At Christmas she very smugly told us she was making him drop his kids presents two weeks early as she didn't see why he should be seeing them over Christmas as she was doing all the work with them, we asked how he was supposed to when she kept rejecting him asking to have them. She got annoyed.

Anyway today she has asked us all for lunch and told us she has served divorce papers and will be going for full spousal maintenance so he has no chance of getting himself on his feet and meeting anyone as he'll have to pay this on top of his voluntary maintenence. She found this really funny. She told us she's better off herself now as UC are paying a fair chunk of her housing fees.

Everyone kind of made a face and another friend sat back and told her she was being extremely insane considering the circumstances.

She stormed off after we settled the bill and has gone home and removed herself from the group chat.

Also if he has given her the house he shouldn't be giving her money .. and he needs to go to court to get in writing child access arrangement

Could the ex husband ask for full custody? That might be an easier way for him to negotiate down to 50/50 contact if he starts with wanting full custody.

I think the fact she is denying contact and has taken 22k of martial savings already will surely go in his favour when it comes to a judge - can he get a good solicitor?

Despite what she says she's very unlikely to get spousal maintenance

How unfair.
It would have been great if you friends had got together and provided a home every Saturday as a weekly meeting spot for the kids and their Dad.

The poor children. Their mother is a cheater, a taker and a cow.

I’d be giving the DWP a call about those savings, they will investigate. She sounds awful. I’d also be going no contact with her and be checking in regularly with her ex, and letting him know the deal and what her intentions are.

This. He needs a great lawyer and to cop on.

That said, you should all have said something to her. Well done to your friend who did.

I’d enjoy telling UC about her 22k savings.

After all why should any taxpayer keep this nasty women whilst she has her savings tucked away?

Declare It for her via the benefit fraud website. It’s no less than she deserves.

Get your husband to tell him to stop sending so much money. Forget the "treat money". She's getting welfare, refusing access to the children. Check with a solicitor but I would think that if he stops paying anything until he has access then he would be in the right. IANAL

I'm lost for words! That poor man 😔

Tell your dh’s to tell him to go for 50/50 and half the house.

And have a mad dog turn on you?

Sometimes it’s best to say good girl, good girl and slowly back away with your hide intact.

And consider the clean getaway your lucky escape.

Her behaviour is awful but your definetly no friend of hers with the way you describe her. Your group of friends have no idea what went on in her marriage.

Somthing is amiss here

They also had a joint account with around 22k in which she gleefully told us she had emptied and told him so and he has said no worries keep it for the kids. He also pays her £800 a month CM and sends the kids £50 Weekley for any treats etc they might ask of her so it doesn't dip into maintenance

Hes happy for her to keep 22 thousand pound and he gives her £1000 a month on top of that?

As badly as she is behaving and as awful as you have described her...... it sounds like he has done somthing terrible to her for him to accept all this bad behaviour let her keep 22 grand and giving her a thousand pound on top. Somthings happened that your not aware of

edited to add

Or maybe she knows somthing terrible about him. Somthing has gone on for him to be this accepting of her behaviour

She is horrendous.

If there is no other back story here then I would be inclined to let the soon to be ex husband know her plans in all honesty as she is behaving disgustingly.

Her ex husband needs to grow a set and stand up to her!!

She can't claim UC with that amount of savings, report the money grabber.

She sounds downright evil…

She sounds vile and I'd drop her immediately.

Your friend who said something is the real hero here. If I had a friend who acted like such a cunt I would say something too. It really raises the question why you and your other friends did not. Those poor children being raised by a parasite with no morals, but most of all, that poor man. Serious question, why are you still friends with her? Ditch her and support the husband, he needs it. She destroyed their family, fucked up his life and stole their savings. She is evil.

She's horrible as everyone has said. She cheats on him and he's wrong for feeling bad my God

Yup, £16k is the max.

@arcticpandas
In the UK she may qualify for spousal maintenance if:

• They were married or in a civil partnership
• She can demonstrate financial need
• She's unable to meet her financial needs independently, and
• There's a significant difference in their earnings or income

YANBU - she sounds like an absolute piece of work and you should be relieved she's removed herself from the group chat. Her behaviour wrt the DC would be unreasonable if he'd been unfaithful to her, but the fact that she destroyed the marriage makes it even worse!
I never fail to be astonished at separating/divorcing parents who go to war with each other regardless of the harm it does to their kids - it's like they simply couldn't care less about putting their kids into the middle of their battleground. In fairness, he sounds like a great dad who is putting his kids' needs first, regardless of his own hardship. She, on the other hand, sounds utterly vile and shameless. I think you're all well shot of her.

I'd stay friends with him and boost his confidence to fight her for custody. I would not stand by and watch someone be destroyed like this by someone who is clearly abusive and vile.

What a woman/mother.

Agree with anon4net

"I'd stay friends with him and boost his confidence to fight her for custody. I would not stand by and watch someone be destroyed like this by someone who is clearly abusive and vile."

Report her! I usually think people should mind their own business but she seriously deserves some karma.

Your friend is deliberately punishing her husband for the fact she fell out of love with him.

She’s purposefully destroying the relationship between her children and their father, which is cruel to both and damaging to her developing children.

She has no right to tell you who you can and cannot talk to or be friends with. If you can, please check in with the husband and express your support.

He would also probably find all this info useful, if you’re willing to nuke the friendship with this woman.