Are we being unreasonable to think she's being unreasonable

[jadeycakes666]

I am back from a late lunch with long standing friends. One of whom has recently split with husband of 19 years. She cheated on him with one of his friends. Her and husbands friend are not together and she and her husband tried for a while after she told him what had happened.

August last gone she messaged us all to say she had taken his keys and told him to get out as she couldn't stand him being so miserable. We were all slightly taken aback by the attitude seeing as she's the one who broke his heart but it's not our relationship so hey ho. We all have known her husband since they started dating and she asked that we all blank him from our lives.

When he left he stayed in hotels for a while and she told him he wasn't seeing the kids (3 of them) in a hotel until he had a stable home. He found one and she told us all she wasn't letting them go round as he didn't have enough furniture bar a sofa TV and beds for them.

She has told us herself that he has left her the house, the car and all furniture and electronics that he purchased in the house. They also had a joint account with around 22k in which she gleefully told us she had emptied and told him so and he has said no worries keep it for the kids. He also pays her £800 a month CM and sends the kids £50 Weekley for any treats etc they might ask of her so it doesn't dip into maintenance.

At Christmas she very smugly told us she was making him drop his kids presents two weeks early as she didn't see why he should be seeing them over Christmas as she was doing all the work with them, we asked how he was supposed to when she kept rejecting him asking to have them. She got annoyed.

Anyway today she has asked us all for lunch and told us she has served divorce papers and will be going for full spousal maintenance so he has no chance of getting himself on his feet and meeting anyone as he'll have to pay this on top of his voluntary maintenence. She found this really funny. She told us she's better off herself now as UC are paying a fair chunk of her housing fees.

Everyone kind of made a face and another friend sat back and told her she was being extremely insane considering the circumstances.

She stormed off after we settled the bill and has gone home and removed herself from the group chat.

She sounds awful, it would be bad enough is she was trying to avenge him having an affair, but she is the one who split the marriage up. Those poor kids 😢 there was no reason the kids couldn’t carry on seeing their dad.

Is there anyone who he is especially close to who can have a word? I had an acquaintance who was lovely, but a total people pleaser. When he divorced he just gave his ex the house, probably to avoid conflict. He is now in his 60s and renting. Please tell him not to throw away his future security, he should be looking for a fair split of assets.

I'd be sharing these detailed information with the stbxh, not fucking Mumsnet.

I think she’s in for a shock. I’m not long divorced. All assets start as 50/50 so the house and cash pot that were in joint names will be classed as joint assets and have to be declared. If it was a joint bank account and he can prove that a. He put money in and b. She took it out he’ll be entitled to half. My solicitor said it's incredibly difficult to get spousal maintenance in UK. The only example he had was a couple where the DC had complex health issues and Mum was a full time carer. If she’s claiming UC and they find out she has cash in the bank, they’d class it as fraud and at the very least, she’ll have to pay it back 🤨
I’m glad her H has support, he’ll need it but with a decent solicitor he should get what he deserves.

Nor do you get state benefits when receiving spousal maintenance.
It would have to be a high worth divorce and a rarity to get SM.

I could never be friends with someone like her.

This is categorically incorrect. But she sounds like an utter c*not so let her think she's getting a big ole pay out forever more and laugh when she gets none of it.

SM is for when one party earns a lot. Like well over £350k. Which if he's paying £800 a month CMS for 3 kids, he isn't remotely anywhere near that. I get £700 for one child, and he's on a wage that would never have generated SM. Only after this first box is ticket do you factor in when one party has not worked for the entirety of a long marriage, and it would be unreasonable for them to actually support themselves. Only other factor can be when a child had severe disabilities preventing her from working. Your twatty friend isn't a Beverley Hills multi millionaires housewife, she's some muppet who's had all she's going to get and about to get a life lesson in a big way.

Couldn't happen to a nicer person.

She had the affair, not him.

People you think you know can really surprise you. I know people complain a lot of about people picking sides after a divorce, but when you hear stories like this, it is not surprising. I would disengage from her.

That’s what the PP is saying… it would be bad enough if the woman was seeking revenge
for an affair that her husband had had.

My friend had worked very hard to work out the finances for a divorce caused by his wife's affair. The priority was for two homes close enough that the children would be able to stay at their schools.
Realising that the impending divorce amounted to a limited time, 50% off sale, she bought herself a brand new car.

Sounds like she's working on free advice and we all know how much that is worth.

I’m a family solicitor and it is a thing. However it doesn’t sound like it would be appropriate in this situation!

Some unkind things being said about the husband. He is probably reeling in shock. If you can speak to him he really should go back to the house if they own it then it needs valuing and probably selling. He needs to keep records of everything she has said and done regarding the children. I appreciate he is thinking of his children and has been suggested perhaps go 50/50.

There’s something I think that happens in the brain of people who cheat. It’s like they’ve lost their mind. The total and utter selfishness and nastiness MUST be the result of a breakdown or a disorder because no one half decent could possibly behave that way.

I’ve never been cheated on (to my knowledge!) but I’ve known a few people who have and their behaviour has knocked me for six. It always follows the same pattern: never taking accountability and suddenly slinging mud at their OH or ex to deflect from their own actions.

My SIL cheated on her DH with a colleague and got pregnant by the colleague. The DH had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a MH inpatient unit. SIL kept banging on about how in love she was and how her new BF was so much better than her DH. She did this in front of her primary aged kids. By month 8 of the pregnancy her DH started seeing someone else and one of their kids (11 at the time) accidentally saw him kissing this woman. SIL was LIVID! Saying “How dare he expose her to that”. I had to remind her that she’s pregnant and her child knows how pregnancy happens so she can’t really complain about a kiss. She went absolutely postal on me and we didn’t speak for ages. We are ok now but I’ve never ever forgotten the astounding selfishness and the damage she did to her kids and ex.

I would be telling her that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and she’s putting her pettiness above her children’s needs.

Not even mentioning the man she’s supposed to gave ‘loved’.

I would then stop speaking to her and just support him.

Hopefully with everyone’s support, he can get back on his feet, find someone who loves him and has a great life with access to his kids.

I’m sure she’ll regret her decision one day and I just hope he’s not stupid enough to take her back.

....this feelings like a reject storyline from Eastenders.

Is she living in rented? As uc won't pay anything for housing if your in a mortgaged place

I would have had no problem giving her my opinion. It is their lives though so in the end they have to figure it out.

Spousal maintenance is definitely a think in the UK ( in Scotland anyway)

I have a friend whose wife did this. She cheated and threw him out. She didn’t work, he does and earns a good wage but she has financially ruined him. She still lives in the marital home and now works deliberately under a certain amount of hours to get all the benefits possible while still claiming loads of him. It’s ridiculous people get away with this

Totally agree, but got deleted for saying so.

She is very foolish to refuse mediation as courts take a dim view of this. It will probably go against her. Her husband needs to get himself a good solicitor and pursue a court order for contact with his children. It's quite unusual to get spousal maintenance now, even if she has been a SAHM, she's a grown woman who is capable of getting a job.

Women like this are the reason we are all painted as money grabbing, heartless bitches that alienate children against their fathers.
Report your "friend" to UC at the very least.

I get spousal maintenance, it's minimal and ceases upon another marriage or child turning 18 (older of child has SEN)

You can’t not declare it as it’s all done his your NI number which you have to provide to open a bank account.

Please contact her poor husband to offer your support.

I would. Your friend sounds like a psychopath.

This is what the word cunt was invented for.