DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

[Ducksrowing]

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

the issue is there is no end to this… i had a very stressful but under 100k job with a DH of the same mentality as yours.
Did everything for kids (although he is great at tidying up and cooks on weekends). Now I have a ‘bigger’ job well over that, but mentality has not changed. still his job comes first (he does still make more). and i have all responsibility for kids. Dont think you doing more at work means he does more at home. That sexism runs deep.

He sounds obnoxious. Try telling him that in a divorce you would get far more of the family income than he thinks you should have now 😡

He is being very controlling. Explain to him that if you get another job he WILL need to muck in more at home as you literally won't be there. He wants you as his nanny, chauffeur, cleaner, housekeeper etc but can see how much you are contributing!

The job isn’t the problem. You husband is.

Agree with this. My DH earns six figures, me 50% of his salary, and he has ALWAYS provided completely equal care for the kids and all the housework. He’s never made me feel like my job isn’t important or worthwhile and he’s never tried to opt out of our shared responsibilities. Lo and behold, he still manages his ‘big job’ just fine.

I think your idea of sharing equally the cash that's left after all child & household expenses is spot on.

This should also be AFTER your investment money is put away too - even if that's currently coming from his earnings.

It's tax efficient for him to do pension while he's working, but less so for you. But you should at least be maxing out an annual cash ISA in your own name each year as security & family savings.

Arguing that it's his money not family money is a bit moot this far into a relationship isn't it? He's already acknowledged it would shaft his job if he had to drop everything for sick off school, INSET, pm school runs & football training - so by default you're ensuring the family money can be earned, even while you have no employer's pay check of your own.

However, your head space & self-esteem will be better with any job.

Once you've agreed the premise of all money is family money, then you can look at what is available to outsource family/childcare tasks if you're bringing more into the family pool too.

No suggestions about what to do about the fact he's turning into an insufferable wanker though. Good luck with that!

Really I would run at this from the other direction- you need to find a job/career you will enjoy, your life shouldn't be about just servicing your husband's life- even if he earns 10 times what you do.
He needs to take some caring responsibilities- they are his children too, unless he wants you to be a stay at home mother, which clearly he doesn't.
He can't have it both ways, either you are free to find a fulfilling job, and he takes a share of the chores and childcare, so you can do that- or you take all the responsibilities and you don't do paid work outside the house.
What is it he wants? !/You to spend less money
2/ you to bring money in (but not with enough pay or hours that he has to face his responsibilities).
3/ He wants you to be a professional quality cleaner for free as well as bringing up his children, being a laundry maid and cook and doing all the admin
Well wanting is no crime- but even if he was a city trader on several million a year he is asking a great deal. Running a house and bringing up children is easily as hard work and as stressful as the most demanding job, if he earns well why don't you have a cleaner and a laundry service?
The DC go to a private school, why not have them board and go for your dream job?

Don't think this is nice as it's her partner whether you agree or disagree

I do think he does have a point. If I was him taking all the financial load I would expect that your role involved all the family admin and keeping the home tidy and presentable. You freely admit that you aren't good at the home chores but they do need to be done whether you find them stimulating or not.

With your children at school surely it's your role during the day to maintain the home and actually sort out dinners etc that can be cooked from scratch - not pre ordered food boxes.

Now it has come to a head you may be better placed to look for a suitable job that you would enjoy and outsource the cleaning, ironing etc. You may need additional childcare depending upon the age of your children, or not.

A lot of men just don’t ’get it’. My ex husband wanted me to work more, he wanted me to bring in a certain amount of money each month, but had to be around our children we have 5 together. I completely understood that my job hours had to work around his working hours and the kids as paying for childcare was not an option plus I also wanted to do school runs etc. That however meant that to get the full time hours in I started work 0930-1430hrs Monday-Friday left work straight to do school runs, fed them etc and then when he got home from work at 1830hrs I was back at work 1900-2200hrs also worked weekends (I was a home carer so for me it was ideal to work around the kids etc). Now what he didn’t understand was unfortunately as a carer you do an awful lot but get paid very little so to earn a good salary I had to get the hours in. Now there was only so much I could do physically and mentally because he also expected his evening meal on the table when he got home and all the kids in bed so he could ‘relax’ oh and all the household chores done. I use to run around like a blue arsed fly. It broke me. To add insult to injury on my long weekend to work I worked 0700-2200 both days I was apparently lazy as he had to wash the kids uniforms for Monday 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I am now remarried and we have 2 children together, I went back to work doing the same role after our first together around his job just doing evenings and every Saturday. As much as he does more around the house than my ex and expected much less of me, he still struggled to juggle what us mums juggle I don’t think many can cope as well as us. I was getting messages asking what he needed to do, what time bed time was honestly you’d think he hadn’t been a hands on dad when he is 😂. I’m a stay at home mum now, till youngest two start school and I swear he thinks all I do is sit and watch my tv all day long. As you can imagine having 7 children my wash baskets are rarely empty and I’m constantly busy doing housework and running the home. He does like to have opinions on my apparent money spending but in reality that two they don’t seem to appreciate how much even a pair of school shoes are, I honestly think is not always them being mean or controlling often they just don’t get it.

Sorry for my long post, I personally as a mum who can’t earn as much as my husband on his full time yours think that any job I get would be more important or equally important as for me that’s where the money is coming from. However, when our jobs have been of equal importance is when I have got a job around and outside of his working hours, then when I’m suppose to be at work and he is not then my job is more important in those hours, so when he has had courses with work or has to work away mon-fri and that would impact my job, if I can’t book holiday then that’s his problem and he has to sort the kids as it shouldn’t impact my job and that is where I expect the respect to be reciprocated. A new job that you may get I feel shouldn’t impact his already established job and working hours. However, he should be expected to help, take some responsibility for household chores when you are working or actually just in general.

Hmm, my own high-earning DH was very similar and piling on the pressure for me to earn more until a sudden combination of circumstances meant that one us really had to be at home for DC. Then it instantly suited him for me to be a SAHM and he doesn’t seem to give two hoots about my financial contribution these days! But I am now a couple of years out of the workplace, in my late forties and have had absolutely no luck with job hunting. Organisations are delighted to leverage my expertise for a few days of freelance work, but I cannot seem to actually get a job.

It’s a tough job market out there and all this is theoretical until you have a job offer on the table. A lot has changed in the last year and jobs seem to be disappearing, so I would begin applying and see what you can actually get.

Has he lost patience and become unreasonable because you are lazy and hopeless at home? Are you depressed because you have nothing to fulfill your life other than childcare? So what do you do all day while they are at school?
Go out and get a job. Get a cleaner. Use a childminder. And the two of you get some counselling to learn how to share roles and respect each other and yourselves.
FYI many moms work full time and look after kids- it’s not that hard.

What A Dick. So he wants you to work to ease the imaginary financial ‘burden’ on him but doesn’t want it to be in ‘too’ good a job or God forbid he would actually have to step up as a parent and with household tasks. Does that pretty much sum it up? Try putting it to him like that and see if he can realise just how ridiculous that sounds. You can’t win!
I think you should go for whatever work option seems right for you and let him know that there will have to be a sensible discussion about how you both share the load.
He may then change his tune and ‘decide’ you shouldn’t work after all. Is money a struggle right now? Or is it just that he wants to have all the luxuries while you justify your existence? Urgh.
To be honest if I were you I’d go back regardless of what he thinks. You need a way to be financially independent should you decide to leave this misogynistic, selfish, arrogant ass and even if you don’t leave I’d be damned if I’d be beholden to him.

I think there's a balance to be found here - some sort of maths for hours of working, salary, flexibility in your roles, home responsibilities isn't working out at all in either scenario. Like a few people said, the person who makes more isn't automatically the one who gets to do less at home, it's more complicated than that. My husband earns more than I do (we both make way less than is being talked about here and I make around 75% his salary) but his job is much more flexible so more of the day to day stuff has fallen on him. We have always split the household stuff down the middle - he does all the cooking, I do all the laundry, etc.

One of my friends just took early retirement as her husband makes crazy money and they were driving themselves insane trying to do all of it with two full time workers. So he does his job and travels and whatever and she does every single thing that happens at home while he's away - then they split things when he's home. He travels a lot but if he's home for a weekend he does the driving around and cooking and whatever. They outsource things too where they can (they have a cleaner for example) and their kids are at state school.

I can never take a job that involves travelling as my husband travels for work and we can't both be away. So that's restricted me at times but as he has a great job and makes more money that's how the maths works out for us. So I do think any couple with two 'big jobs' do need to have some sort of idea of how that will work on a practical basis - if you are both having crazy weeks, who is picking up the slack? Can you have a nanny? Are there grandparents around? It would be naive to think it would just all happen without a plan.

This ^
How can he dictate how/what job you do to facilitate his work/job and declare that you have to have totally separate finances?
My DH earns far more than me and works 6 days a week, in his down time he still does things with the kids/around the house.
I work part time so that one of us is around to do for tea prep, school pick ups, life admin and homework, I have my own wages and can access a joint account if I need to.
There is no way I would work less etc if I wasn’t valued and able to access family funds, if that’s his attitude you might as well take on a big project and use a little of your wages to outsource cleaning etc

Your spending £1k a month on a meal box and subscriptions, or is this including household bills also? If it’s the former, yeah you need to cut down on the spending!! Wow.

OP he can’t have it all. He can’t expect you to work and do everything round the house like a 1950s housewife. If he can’t do anything with the house and kids or choses not to, when you get another job (and I would aim for a medium one with some flex rather than a “big” job), then he needs to be paying for the after school clubs/ nanny and cleaner you need to accommodate that.
I have chosen to not pursue the “big” job and go for a middling one as my husband works shifts so the childcare falls on me. If I took a “big” job then I would be accepting If he wanted to give up work or reduce his hours to pick up more of the home/kids load.