DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

[Ducksrowing]

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

Completely agree with @HomeTheatreSystem .

Get the job you want, which fulfils you. Then split the cost of a cleaner and wrap around care proportionally.

He sounds Neanderthal.

His project runs this year and then is over. There have been major changes at his work and he is one of the only ones who has kept his job in the takeover. He is at a vulnerable age too and I think he’s acting out of fear. His thinking and views have become more rigid over the years. Honestly he was nice to a fault when younger but has become more unbearable with time. From his perspective, he has probably seen a once ambitious, sparky partner turn into a ‘lazy’ frump with no earnings who is crap at keeping house.

I would love nothing better than a huge fuck off job with the first 60k or whatever the limit is going straight into my pension…

He is also cross as I put some of our joint income into an investment for me every month (I don’t have enough of an occupational pension built up) and he says we can’t afford it with two school fees coming out…

He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.. get the best possible job you can and figure out the cleaning afterwards!

I think his ‘threats’ are his way of trying to get me back into the workforce as he is exasperated. He has never changed jobs while my career has been stop and start and more varied. I have largely had fun (as far as that is possible) with my work whereas his is high earning but would bore me to tears.

You're not very good at keeping the house in order by your own admission. That would annoy the shit out of me if I've been at work all day, especially with school age children. So in your case I'd go back to work but find a job that I wanted to do. Regardless of what he earns if you're both working ft you should both pull your weight around the house and with the kids.

I can see the point he's making but mundane is not going to work for you.

Adhd needs deadlines, emergencies, novelty for the focus to kick in (or not. 😁)

You need a job with some some jeopardy.

I'm too tight to pay for a coach myself (dud do a couple of courses, vwry helpful) plus mostly retired but have a look at Additude & read the books on women & adhd to develop some strategies.

I'd probably make a point & cancel anything that will inconvenience him like the Netflix too. 😁

He wants you to get a job
But not a big job
He wants you to do free labour
While not earning money
He wants to control your spending

Tell him to GF

@Brombat To be fair DC and I consumer more Netflix than him… He has recently fallen down a Musk-shaped rabbit hole and that is scaring me probably more than anything.

I need to build up enough income to give the DC stability and an education and that seems impossible currently.

I mean... I'll be honest I kind of see his point.

Why not do freelance consulting?

Yes there has been times I have earned more and times DH has earned more. When I started my own business he supported the family so I could work for free on it. He believed in me and was my cheerleader even when when I doubted myself. We have just moved to another country for his career which I am happy to support. At times he has done more at home and times I have but we are a team. I would be really pissed off if he told me what job I could have as he took priority and did sweet fa around the house. As another poster said get your ducks in a row, go out and find a job that works for you and I hope it pays more than his…and then using his logic you will be the priority and he can do all the domestic drudge!

Divorce him, work and get your own Netflix password.

Every time an Amazon package arrives ‘What has your mother bought now?’. Ooh extravagant insoles for DCms
shoes. How indulgent!

Absolutely this.
He doesn’t seem to place any value on all the things required to make a family run smoothly.

He isn’t interested in your happiness.
HE has chosen money over his own career wellbeing and has also decided to scapegoat you for it.

I would not feel safe and secure with this man. Get a cleaner/ au pair and get back to work.
11+ exams are a silly excuse to wait, as there will always be something. You need to prioritise your financial wellbeing because this man is not a partner.

Get the best job you can and get a cleaner.

Alternatively, ask him for recommendations for a job that will meet all his requirements for you.

He sounds like a twat.

He seems to think that he owns you because of his money and can therefore dictate your life and expect you to be his unpaid maid, cook and nanny and prop up his career in the process.

Frankly OP I could not live with a man like this.

Look for a job that you will enjoy doing/really want to do and take a good share of his precious money by hiring a good lawyer and getting yourself a decent financial settlement...

This man has no respect for you.

Do you want to be at home? No. Are you good at it? No. Get yourself an interesting sounding job but accept it won't be perfect as few jobs are, get a cleaner and a childminder. He has a say in whether you work or not. He doesn't dictate what type of job you do.

Does your dream job have a high salary? If so, maybe he could get a lower paid, more interesting and flexible job so he could deal with the school runs, life admin, housework etc?

He wants the best of all worlds, as he resents you not working but has very exacting requirements about the sort of job you should get. It seems as though it is more important for your new job to suit him rather than you.

Honestly your description of your family finances stresses me out. And I'm only reading it. 2 loads of private school fees, you hanging out for the right job and him potentially aging out of dull but lucrative role?
You need a hard look at long term finances until the kids are gone. And if your marriage will make it. Get the best role you can get, move house or give up your pension to save for future school fees (what ever is your real priority). Some hard decisions ahead OP.

When DH and I first got together, I made more money than he did. I worked for a non-profit and still do so my wages have been stagnant over the years. I also work part-time so I can be available to our ASD DD. my job allowed a part-time schedule easily and his did not.

the result is that he is now a high-flyer with an income to match and my salary looks like pin money in comparison. If my husband ever made me feel bad about that, we would have a huge problem. He has always looked at it as our money. That is exactly as it should be.

If he didn’t consider us financial equals, I wouldn’t be willing to do more of the family and child admin. I would work full-time and expect him to figure out his half.

To be fair, I can’t complain about what he doesn’t do around the house as he does do some things. He cooked Xmas dinner for example. He’s tidier than I am for a start. BUT it’s all the invisible planning, ferrying DC around, play dates, gifts, family admin, homework, subject options for schools etc he opts out of. He wouldn’t have a clue about school application procedures etc and has zero idea about the 11+ road. Of course this is not a full time unpaid gig for me either but I am struggling with feeling flat and unproductive.

I am also worried about taking the ‘big job’ should anyone give it to me, right as I’m sailing into menopause in the next year or two.

It can lead to divorce very quickly as many men seem unable to cope with a wife that earns more.

My DH 120% supports my business, he likes the idea of being my kept man - a 40 something gigolo. He would be bored after a few weeks and want to go back to work as he loves his job.

Oh yuck, falling down an Elon Musk shaped rabbit hole would scare me too.

You need to build up your income to give you some choices if living with him becomes unbearable, which based on this information, it might do.

This. You make him sound like a dickhead but actually if the kids are at school and you arent at work what actually are you doing all day if you aren't managing to keep on top of the house?
In another post you mention you buy weekly meal boxes so its not like you are spending loads of time planning menus and cooking as those hello fresh boxes etc are usually quick and easy meals, that's the point of them.
I can see why he's a bit irritated if he's slogging away at a job you admit is dull while you do sod all a day...

Ah, a man with A Big Job, joy 😒

@Saturdayssandwichsociety He is not 100% dickhead but has some elements in the way he is speaking to me currently, perhaps driven by the content he is consuming.

Weirdly the meal boxes can take 45-50 minutes per meal as I don’t use the quick ones and we don’t have a microwave/air fryer. I’m sure a more efficient housewife would do a better job!