DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

[Ducksrowing]

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

It's not about his job. It's about him not wanting to do more. I have a big job, just under six figures (but over with bonus) and I try to share the parenting as equally as possible. This means drop off and pick up one day a week. And pick up on Fridays (DS does wrap Aron d care two days which helps). DH earns under half what I do, but his job is important to him and to us. To insinuate its pin money or that he should prioritise me would be incredibly disrespectful.

Not only are you not being unreasonable but your DH is a misogynistic twat. I would suggest getting your ducks in a row so that your DC learn that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Oh and I’m the one with the big job. I earn just shy of £200k and DH is on around £40k. We both work full time so have equal responsibilities around the home. I do all school drop offs and DH does all school pickups. At weekends, one of us takes DD to her clubs while the other does the cleaning. DH’s job is just as important as mine, if not more because of his specific role, and there have been plenty of times when I’ve had to deal with a sick DD instead of DH because it was more appropriate at the time. We have taken it in turns to pursue promotions and better roles to advance our careers. At one stage I worked 4 days a week and at another it was DH who went down to 4 days. Your DH is a twat.

Ah - this is a classic tactic. Puts pressure on you to get a job, but he wants you to have a unicorn job, where you can do all the childcare, housework and life admin as well without his being inconvenienced in the slightest. I would sit him down and ask him to commit to which days he was sorting the school drop offs/pickups? Which weeks of the school holidays he would take as leave to look after the kids? Which nights he was cooking the dinner?

What a twat.

My and DH’s arrangement is that he earns the money in his big job and I gave up mine completely. He carries the complete load of earning and about 10% of family stuff, I carry 90% of family stuff. We are both very happy with this arrangement and we both support and value each other.

That said, this was absolutely after free choice by us both. We agreed. Nobody told anyone what to do. If my DH ever TOLD me anything, I’d be on my way out. We jointly decided to start a family, we jointly carry the responsibility. I’m not his serf, he’s not my ATM.

All to say it’s not the solution to your conundrum that’s unreasonable per se, it’s his attitude. In short, how dare he?

so he wants to have separate finances, but you have to facilitate his career?

He's just angling for the easiest life he can get.

I have no sympathy here. I earn more than he does, and I manage to survive as a single parent, juggle all pick ups/responsibilities, housework etc. I think you need to make it clear to him the kids are old enough, you want to find a job that's exciting and interesting for you - like he's had for all these years whilst you've picked up the slack - and from now on it needs to be 50/50 on housework and childcare.

I'd also be wanting to boost my career anyway tbh - what happens when your children grow up and he doesn't think he's getting a good deal any more? Doubt he'll be remembering all these sacrifices then!

Your adhd could be worse due to perimenopause (hormones changing makes it worse) but it also means you can overcompensate, due to the shame of the messy house, etc. Bet your kids are well looked after and loved!

PP are right, the stress of a job is not proportional to the salary!

I took on simpler and simpler jobs due to my adhd and was still super-stressed.

Sit down (preferably with an adhd coach not arsewank) and plan a job strategy and also ways to sort out the overwhelm at home. I'd be looking at your DH with a very beady eye from now on, he does not have your best interests at heart.

He really thinks he's king of the world, doesn't he? He downplays your contribution, makes demands, refuses to be a team player, and generally shows you contempt.

I suspect this is just who he is. You deserve better.

Yanbu. He wants to have his cake and eat it - all the benefits of a housewife doing everything at home to enable him to work in his “big job”, but also expects you to work - except you can’t be as busy as important as him.

What's the context of the big project at his job? It might not be unreasonable for you to choose to focus on that if it will lead to him getting a promotion and pay rise for example.

However he will then need to accept corresponding sacrifices wrt the income you bring in.

Since it sounds like you had an interesting and stimulating "big job" before, would it be possible to do for instance freelance consulting in your industry or something similar?

You're not being unreasonable to think that the effort of becoming a shelf stacker in Tesco or something isn't really worth it given your situation. Or to recognise that some lower paid jobs actually come with less flexibility than more senior ones.

The division of childcare and domestic labour should be based on the hours you work, not how much you are paid. Your 'd'h thinks he's soooo important, doesn't he? How dare he try to limit the kind of job you can have while also trying to control your (no doubt perfectly reasonable) spending?! The man sounds like a misogynist arse.

I went PT post-dc and had a couple of years as a SAHM. We have always had a joint account and dh never once questioned anything I spent from it while I wasn't earning. I'm now (many years later) working ft again and earning the same as him. At all points I feel the division of childcare and domestic work has been fair, based on our working hours.

@DecafDodger I think he feels he’s paying for everything and not getting a good deal as I am crap around the house! I honestly am. And I don’t really care as I find it unstimulating. I guess he also thinks I have actually been indulgent as am holding out for the ‘right’ job that’s ‘interesting’ enough while he has done a really dull but stressful one that has paid him over 200k a year the last few years… I would probably feel like this too a bit. But there is lots of unseen work eg dealing with DC, keeping on top of school stuff, organising our and their social lives (particularly the DCs!).

He is actually better at housework than me and in folding laundry etc. I have higher qualifications than him but he is in a role that is more niche.

The problem is my dream job is not really that compatible with DC and would involve me travelling a lot.

@Ducksrowing
Reach for the sky girl, get yourself a HUUUUUGE job and watch the big I am crumble into a thin skinned man-baby😈

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

This would make me prioritise my career like no tomorrow.

How dare he say this to you.

“My work as a housewife is not good enough for you and not fulfilling for me. I’ll go back to work and you’ll increase your share of the housework accordingly, or we’ll get a cleaner who can do the job to your satisfaction.”

Belligerent?

So an abusive prick is a bully who wants you earning but combining it with your primary position as skivvy aupair?

Get legal advice first.
Ultimately you need to get back to work because this misogynistic prick cares only for himself.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

Get a cleaner.

He can't have it both ways that you can't earn but also can't access the family money.

Get a big job to build your own pension because I can envisage a situation where his pension will be "his" money.

Is there an intermediate job that requires less travelling but still in your industry?

I recommend the book Couples That Work for some different models in how to juggle two "career" type jobs. It can be that one of them takes precedence for a while, and then you switch. What position will DH be in a year from now?

This man think you are going to obey him!!?😂
He thinks you're going to oppress yourself to protect his ego.
He's a twit, serve him his arse on a plate.

Thanks @Brombat .
Is there a coach you could recommend? Though I doubt H would accept yet another bill going out!
The credit card bill is usually just over a grand a month. That’s for weekday meal box, Netflix, Audible, Peloton, occasional snacks with DC out, skincare product of £24 a month etc.

I actually think I don’t spend enough on myself! Friends in similar positions lead a life of ladies who lunch, regular beauty treatments etc though they’re also more disciplined around the house. But that superficial stuff just doesn’t interest me unless it means I command more respect with a more pulled together wardrobe etc.

If his job is so big and important and he earns so much money why not get a cleaner etc, and you get whatever job you want?

He can’t have it both ways moaning about you not having a job but then dictating that the job you get can’t be too good!?

So he wants to limit your access to the money he earns, whilst at the same time imposing limitations on what you earn yourself? Jog on, mate.

So you go for the job you want, tell him how much the extra childcare will cost plus cleaners and split the cost between you. Just because he earns 200k doesn't give him the right to tell you what job you should take. The care of the kids and the house are a joint responsibility if you're both out at work: he either does his share or pays someone else to do it for him.