DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

[Ducksrowing]

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

If you want to maintain your lifestyle then both of you need to earn enough between you to cover your quite high outgoings. If you can get a job paying six figures plus then his job needn't take priority. If you can't well logically speaking his job will need to take priority. What do you want.

Do the big job and split life’s admin inc dc stuff equally.
Its called equality……….

Id also be putting plenty into my private pension if I was you, it doesn’t sound like he likes to share

I did read the OP, yes. The bit where she says she is unemployed and not for the first time so of course she is the one doing these things. We also know that she doesn't keep on top of the housework or cleaning. Now, if she was the only one doing these things when they were both working full-time then she would have cause for complaint (divorce). And what I was really commenting on was the desperate claim from the OP that she is a chef, taxi driver, tutor etc. I don't get this trend from SAHMs to claim all these things. I cooked my own dinner tonight, doesn't make me a chef.

I'm sorry your ex took the piss out of you for years and you tolerated it but that doesn't make this the same as your situation.

If the OPthinks her husband doesn't value her then hopefully she will restart her career. If her husband won't support her then she has a difficult decision to make.

Here's another one saying take a good job and let the chips fall. No one ever went broke making money ...

Why is "ducks in a row" always the go to when anyone raises an issue with a male partner on Mumsnet. I just assume it's single people who want others to be on their own also. Why not suggest having an adult conversation instead.

My husband has a really ‘big’ job. Income and responsibility has doubled again in the last few months (very fast growing industry).

That being said, with the exception of travel for meetings, he works a very straightforward working day. I earn many multiples less than him, work longer hours and financially don’t need to work but want to.

He does easily 70% of our life and home admin (if I’m honest, probably more) because he works less hours than I do. He’s never once said to me that he’s too big or important for it. He goes out of his way to contribute to family life in every way he can, because he wants to, because he loves us and being a father and parent are the most important things to him.

He has never once questioned the balance or common sense of our situation (we would all be better really if I gave up work, took care of life admin and the home). I want to work - therefore I work. I work longer hours - therefore he picks up more slack at home.

It has never crossed his mind to question whether this is ‘worth it’ when he hugely out earns me. It’s our family money, he’s not superior to me and home jobs are not beneath him.

It’s nothing to do with how much your husband earns and everything to do with the fact he’s lazy and misogynistic and also probably just not all that nice.

Because having your ducks in a row means to have full knowledge and understanding of your financial situation and legal rights

And that gives you greater power in the "adult conversation" you have with your spouse.

If you are the lower earner or stay at home parent, your power and leverage is weaker than the spouse with the income and money.
If you don't have a full knowledge and understanding of your family's financial situation, pension savings, investments, debts, house value then it is easy for the working or higher earning spouse to take advantage of you when you have an "adult conversation".

It doesn't mean immediately divorce your spouse. It means to get a full understanding of the situation you are in financially and legally so you can make an informed decision.

@DaniMontyRae your hostility towards SAHMs is dull.

He's a controlling misogynistic AH Massive red flags abound Do what suits you !

I would be re-evaluating my marriage.
However, my husband never behaved in a similar way. Also had a very fortunate position, now retired.

These threads make me so angry. Women bloody work. SAHMs work. Many of them have well paid p-t or even full time jobs online!

It's not sitting home eating bon-bons. If you're part-time, it's not a 'day off', it's a day your DH expects you to be working for the household and your job isn't paying you but you need to do a few tasks to make the next day in work run smoothly. It means missing useful work interaction whilst you whip round and try to do the (sodding) housework no one is doing! plus taking DCs to appointments/pick up from clubs.

And yet, when you have a good job, he'll still be happy enough to try it on by asking you to pay 'half' and still expect (unreasonably) that you do everything you did when part-time plus pick-ups and drop-offs.
Just refuse. Point out all those years you didn't have a proper job when you worked for the family.

This.

@Ducksrowing I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc.

First thing is that I disagree with this attitude of not taking a job below your level, or a job that's beneath you so to speak. It is better for everyone to be out and doing some kind of job, no matter what it is and even if their health isn't the best. I once took a job that paid below £23k despite being at PhD level, because it was better to get outside and do something rather than continue to remain unemployed while searching for something better.

We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

An 11 year old is not really a child anymore. Do they have to ferried around, or is it an option to walk home from school or use the bus?

Given DH's whopping salary (well within the top 2% of earners on £100k+) why not have cleaners to help with domestic tasks?

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

DH is a dickhole for giving precise instructions in relation to employment. "You must get a job, but it has to be a certain type of job."

I think you would benefit from having any kind of work that is fulfilling, without worrying about the pay cheque too much.

She's clearly not a SAHM by choice - she freely admits she sucks at housework (as do I) - I, like OP, ended up taking on a SAHM role following country moves, from being 'reasonable' because 'he had a big job' - and thus it became a self-fulfilling prophecy - we 'as a couple' deprioritised my career for what seemed like good reasons at the time, and yet funnily enough, it was always to his benefit and my detriment - just like OP.

Cooking my own dinner is a choice. Cooking the kids dinner is a requirement/basic parenting. Same for all the other things. If it's so easy, then why isn't he doing it? If someone is refusing to take on more parenting tasks, can you see how that puts a crimp on job-hunting?

Complaining that your partner isn't pulling their weight financially, whilst not pulling your wait parentally is a massive cheek.

To be fair, if you’re at home during the day while children are at school, it’s reasonable to expect you to keep the house clean.If you still have pre-school children or children have significant additional needs, then childcare is a job.

However, your husband is being an arse if he expects you to walk into a high- paying job and be fully responsible for all of the childcare and household responsibilities.

I’d start looking for work for your own benefit, not his. There’s a lot of lifetime left after children have left home, and you do need to look out for your own long term future.

Sounds like you were offered a 50-75K permanent role four months ago. Why didn’t you take it while you were looking around for something better? I think you need to restart your career and get support on the domestic front if needed. I understand you don’t find housework fulfilling so it will expand to fill the time the children are at school with not much achieved. You will feel much better working.

"To those saying get a big F off job so I can afford to live alone, isn’t the opposite advice offered to men? Cut down your hours so you don’t have to pay child maintenance?!"

You need to be honest and stop playing games. What do you want, what are you able to do, what are you prepared to do?

Good for you.👏As I said, in many cases the man expects the woman to cover all childcare and household duties whilst also expecting her to contribute 50/50 financially.
If he’s helping with household chores and childcare then fair enough.

Just in answer to the cleaners - current rate is around £18-20 per hour up north. They reckon they need 7-8 hours to clean my house. I clean at a much higher standard (we have tried a few), as does my husband, and it takes us 3-4 hours tops.

Despite the fact I earn way less than my husband, I still pay 40% tax plus NI and pension. I have to earn £40 to pay the cleaner £20. I also need to pay them for twice the number of hours it takes us to do it ourselves (and we do it to a better standard…). My hourly rate is quite a bit below £40 an hour - so having a cleaner isn’t always the solution. Add toddlers and/or dogs into the mix and it’s dubious how much benefit a weekly cleaner would bring as things need done daily (with dogs definitely).

Getting a cleaner isn’t always the solution in my experience.

We have, however, started to outsource ironing and that’s definitely a winner!

Hm the more I read the less I think DH is so bad. You're currently a SAHM of what, pre-teens? You admit you're not doing a good job at home. I've been a high earner with SAHP and would not be too thrilled with this situation, it's not a full time job to take care of kids that age, and doesn't sound like a fair contribution.

I think you would be happier if you had a job - but instead of you taking a little part time thing that works around his, get a big job and outsource the domestic work that you admit you're not so good at anyway.

On the other hand, your DH needs to take some of the domestic load as well, not everything can be outsourced. And if you are just starting in a new career, it will be harder fro you to establish yourself, if you need constant accommodations due to family reasons.

@Nina1013 Just in answer to the cleaners - current rate is around £18-20 per hour up north. They reckon they need 7-8 hours to clean my house. I clean at a much higher standard (we have tried a few), as does my husband, and it takes us 3-4 hours tops.

Did you miss the part where she said her husband earns 6 figures?

Despite the fact I earn way less than my husband, I still pay 40% tax plus NI and pension. I have to earn £40 to pay the cleaner £20.

First of all, pension needs to be excluded from that because that's money you are putting into your own savings pot. It is not money being paid to someone else, which is what tax and NI are.

Second, you only pay the 40% rate on the earnings which are in the higher tax bracket. And you can reduce the 40% tax rate by putting more money into salary sacrifice schemes, as many people do.

So the figure of earning "£40 to pay a cleaner £20" absolutely cannot be correct.

1. My husband earns well in excess of hers. My point was more that someone is paying the cleaner more than they earn themselves. This makes it a harder decision (in my own personal experience) in terms of whether to get one.
2. I am an accountant. I’m aware of how much I take home vs how much I earn. I was using round numbers, but ok, if you want to be pedantic. Even discounting pension, I will STILL have to earn very close to £40 gross to give a cleaner £20. I don’t earn close to £40 gross, so it costs more to have a cleaner for an hour than I earn for an hour. That was my point - I struggle to justify it because we would financially be better off if I reduced my hours slightly rather than paying a cleaner.
3. None of this was supposed to be about me, it was a general response to the ‘the answer is to get a cleaner’ statement. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. For us, it isn’t.

I'd say you are not listening to some legitimate political concerns he might have. A degree does not mean that you can interrogate sources, nor does lack of one stop you. Critical thinking is centred around a wide knowledge base e.g. I can't say much about Relativity but I can say a great deal about the Reformation in Northern Europe and its consequences. Perhaps he feels school fees are a waste of money? After all, he has a 200k job and he didn't go to a private school. You might like to re-consider things like private education and your political stance, whatever it is (I can't tell from what you say).

Meanwhile, he is being misogynist in suggesting that you sacrifice having an interesting and fulfilling job so that he can earn more. You might like to read up on feminism and discuss this with him as a counter to his X fixation?

I (female) earn more than double what my partner (older male) earns. My job is incredibly flexible with wfh whereas my partner has a long commute and awful hours. As such, I do most of the life admin, cleaning, cooking, and I'm flexible around him. It's not about money, it's about being a team and supporting each other.
You should do what YOU want to do and if that requires your husband to step up a bit then so be it.

Interesting thread. I was the one with the big city job, earned more than my DH and yet did 90% of the life admin too - nursery drop and picks ups, school run, cooking, cleaning etc. it wasn’t sustainable and I almost had a breakdown with stress. I quit my job and this allowed my self employed DH to step up and take on more. I now have a local job with less salary and we split the admin side. Saved our relationship because it’s more equal and the income is about the same. Find a job that works for you and go for it.