DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

[Ducksrowing]

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

Go for the big job.
There's no glory now on a society level of supporting the kids and the big job man. If the Big job man doesn't support you and appreciate you now. I guarantee it will be less in ten years time.
Don't be me.

I doubt posters would be so kind if it was a man who had been unemployed for 4 months, had a stop/start (read periods of unemployment?) career, didnt do much housework because it is boring and was refusing to apply for any jobs that weren't stimulating all the while the woman had to put up with a stressful career they don't enjoy in order to pay 2 sets of school fees.

OP, look at HRT to see if that will help you with symptoms and focus.
It has enormously helped my late 50's friend with adhd.
Not to mind her skin, hair and general mood and outlook.

He is away with the faeries. I know jobs with travel are a real pain with young children but it is possible with reliable childcare. Get costs for a nanny and cleaner, laundry service etc. now is the perfect time to do a budget for the year - there are plenty of templates out there and print it off . You need to have a sit down and discuss what is your short , medium and long term plans. How are you planning for retirement ? If he’s not willing to sit down and have a sensible disscussion some couples therapy maybe needed.

This is why I respect other cultures where men are the providers and woman take care of the family life. Far too many men over here want a traditional slave wife and for you to also contribute 50/50 financially. I grew up in a country where men are the providers and worked in an international company where many of the woman would not accept dates with men where they expected 50/50.
Since my divorce, I’m happy to stay single rather than be with a greedy man.

That’s true @DaniMontyRae . But what if that man were to be a tutor, taxi driver, chef and social planner? And run a volunteer gig on the side (I can’t elaborate as it’s quite outing but it would have financial benefits for us if it’s victorious). One of my periods of inactivity was maternity discrimination related and the second was mass Covid redundancies.

💯

I think he's right about some things but he can't just make a plan unilaterally.

I was the breadwinner for a while, and it is frightening. Proper terrifying. I used to obsess over symptoms like not being able to find words when i was knackered, or not being able to open a jar, and was convinced on a daily basis that i had MS or MND and that we'd all starve as dh was chronically ill and unable to work. Eventually I took out income protection insurance which gave me the confidence to book a doctor's appointment. The reduction in stress meant the symptoms stopped anyway.

Thank God dh never wanted ds to go to private school. He was incredibly careful with money, never bought anything for himself though. He couldn't do everything at home but was tidy and organised.

Presumably you've got a huge mortgage, are paying, what, £30k a year absolute minimum on school fees, plus all the assiciated costs. Are all of the costs and spending necessary, do you consult on them at all? He's feeling alone with all that I should think.

Yes I think a job's a good idea. He would feel less alone and might be less horrible. But the work you are doing now has a value - a huge monetary cost if you pay others for it, plus additional value of a parent more directly involved with care. He needs to understand that. And you need to get on the same page about finances and what matters. That means imo taking a proper chunk of time and talking.

DH does realise, I presume, that in a marriage all money is jointly the couples, not individuals? You can spend what you bloody like - it's your money too. Do so and tell him so. Prat.

What century are you living in? Everything is split equally in my house.

A woman in the role of "taking care of family life" with no provisions for herself is trapped, and on top of that deprives herself of opportunities.

I second getting a cleaner @Ducksrowing it's not in your skill set. Or mine. That will give you more head space for a job.

I presume private school means a later finish. Can he stay on for tea/prep adjusting the fees.

I have said YANBU because he is saying that you should prioritise his work as a family but he will not share his money without being controlling.

If he was happy for you to spend as you see fit to run your household then you may well feel like you'd like to prioritise his job but he isn't fair or nice.

It’s ludicrous isn’t it?! But we have a big house in an expensive area and private school fees which take most of our pay. VAT on school fees means we had to let the cleaner go as she cost about half of the additional amount we have to pay.

My first thought is to not let the little changes happen now that allow the big changes later on. For example, if you give in and go to sole accounts for spending and then you continue to not have a job and he continues to monitor the bank account - who decides how much money you get transferred to spend every month. It sounds like he’d want a say in that. This could very quickly become a financial abuse situation.
You must remember, thought you are married you are still two separate people and his time is no more important than yours. You should have a say in what you do with it. If you want to be a housewife then great, by all means (no judgement here, that’s basically what I am now as we are self employed with my husband having taken the majority of my role for me since we had our baby) but if you want to have your own career and earn your own money then you absolutely should not be denied that right by the people who is supposed to love and support you.

A Peleton is massively indulgent though, and putting it on a credit card is madness. You could get an exercise bike off FB marketplace and watch cycling class YouTube videos.

I’ve suspended the subscription @devilspawn as it’s extortionate but the bike is a sunk cost as it’s already paid for (old model).

Can you sell it?

Well no he's probably annoyed that he has to work hard presumably 8hrs+ per day while his partner gets all day every day to herself and doesn't even manage to keep the house tidy!
He cooked the christmas dinner himself, it doesn't sound like he's expecting a trad wife!!

@LL1991 yes he did go quiet when I said that’s fine, all income gets divided so each party has an equal amount to spend after bills go out 😅.

I am concerned that several times he’s mentioned that ‘women today’ seem to chase only tall, handsome, very high paid men and wonder why they’re single. He’s indicating that women have unrealistically high standards while
poor men can never match up. He’s obviously been radicalized to think of women as potential gold diggers. We have been together since university so approaching three decades by the way…

He should be doing his fair share especially if you are both out of the house. Salary does not necessarily mean harder work. My hubby earns six figures. I'm a teacher who will never see 6 figures unless you count the decimal points however i probably put in a lot more hours than him. He however does the majority of the cooking, washing, school runs as he works from home in the main and I do general jobs at the weekend such as hoovering.

Charge him for all your roles as wife, mother, domestic engineer, nurse, administrator etc . He couldn't earn enough!!!

You absolutely go for your dream job max pension contributions and pay for more help etc.

You can do the "well I need to pull my financial weight" grey rock when he moans.

Is he tall?

Is he jealous that his tall, handsome colleagues have young/hot second wives or girlfriends perhaps and he is taking some of this resentment out on you? Are the young women in his office not admiring enough of him perhaps?

I am not currently working due to my youngest's additional needs. DH is a high earner. But if he was commenting a lot on my spending or me paying into my pension then I don't think I would be that happy about it and might be looking for a new arrangement. We also have a cleaner. I'm facilitating DH's work and home life being manageable and he's well aware of it.

I second going for your dream job and buying in more help btw. If the marriage is on the rocks, you would be better off that way.

Your children also will be fine without having a really busy social life and having each subject choice or hobby made the focus of greater discussion or research. They are getting a great education and opportunities - you don't need to dedicate your life to all aspects of their social life.