DH wants me to get a job but not too big a job…

[Ducksrowing]

DH earns six figures inc bonus. I usually earn a bit under half this when working as contractor or in other roles. I have not worked for 4 months as my contract ended (couldn’t continue longer without massive pay cut by about half to become permanent). New roles were thin on the ground at my level in late summer due to market conditions and election etc. We have 2 DC and it was agreed if worst came to worst, I would look for new roles by January after 11+ exams.

DH has become increasingly belligerent about me not working and trying to control my spending. I do nearly all cooking, school runs, life admin and laundry but am not v tidy or consistent with cleaning…. (ADHD and perimenopause have also not helped). I know I need to work for my own sanity if nothing else.

He is now suggesting maybe we should have separate accounts to stop me spending so much money… For the record, the things I ‘spend’ on family bills which are run up on a credit card to earn air miles as well as subscriptions inc Netflix, Audible etc which I should rationalise.

He has now said that whatever job I take, it can’t be ‘too big a job’ as his ‘has to take priority’ as this a crucial year for him due to some project. He has pointed out he will always earn more than me so whatever job I take has to have some flex for school runs etc.

I have pointed out a lower paid job can be as stressful as a high paid job so I’m not taking that from.

I don’t expect any sympathy from anyone as on paper we are a high earning household - top 5/10%. We are in London and after tax, this is chopped in half. After school fees, it is almost evaporated. To move house to a decent state catchment would cost us more than paying for school so that’s not an option.

Before DC and up to them starting school, I used to have an interesting and stimulating job but it’s not one I can return to (too competitive now and I would be too old - really). I have struggled to replicate this sense of achievement and feel I have lost myself.

My priority is to get DC through school otherwise I would be tempted to try and get my ducks in a row as I feel disrespected. I know he feels like life is a slog on one wage too though.

My AIBU is:

Should DH’s job always be a priority as it is much higher earning than mine and I am unlikely to ever earn the same as him? YES

Should I activrely go for the BIG job with more days in the office even if it means I earn less than him and he has to start doing more around the house and life admin in an important year for him? NO

Imposter syndrome is awful but you need to just ignore that awful self doubting voice. Easy to say I know and I get how that feels.

If your DH is tidy he probably finds it difficult, my DH has ADHD and the constant leaving of doors and draws up drives me insane. The way he leaves stuff on the kitchen counters and doesn’t see it winds me up. But we just have different standards and priorities and have made it work. The compromise was a cleaner.

The kind of 'man' who says your job needs to be 'less important' so you can do more at home and with the childcare so he can work longer hours and do Big Important Work Things is the kid of 'man' who will say his money is entirely down to his own hard work and he shouldn't have to share of it ... especially in the case of a divorce.

Do what's best for you, not him, as he may not be in it for the long haul with that attitude towards you and your own work.

He's annoyed that you're not a perfect tradwife - this is the rabbit-hole he's falling into.

So the issues are maybe you don't like who and what he's turning into?

And that you also need to do a bit of self-care now and you really do, so I'd be at the GPs for bloodtests (my thyroid packed up at your age) and if appropriate, HRT, etc. Check your ferritin too.

Have you got a decent exercise habit?

That will help your adhd. You probably do need to be busier as it will actually help you focus.

Is he worrying about money, given he may be out of work in a year or two?

Perhaps you need to sit down and talk more about whether private schools, and excessive subscription services are a priority? Have you even look at your local state school?

Netflix do a cheaper subscription if he hates the Netflix bill, I think it's about a tenner?

Still, he wants you working I presume to help with finances and be contributing to your spending but also wants you home with the kids. But, if you are home and not working, you need to sort the house out. Get more organised etc, I'd be pissed off as well if I did all the work and then came home to a shit tip house (only excuse is when there are very young babies/toddlers in the house).

I mean, you are home all day......what do you spend your day doing?

Saying you’ll be in menopause in a few years so can’t have a big job - that’s just making excuses sorry.

Time to get a grip, get busy with your cv. Not cos your DH wants you to but because you need more interesting stuff going on.

Yeah I don't get all the LTB he's a misogynistic prick posts at all.

Explain why you think splitting up means the kids not having stability? Single/separated parents manage just fine, particularly if you've got one parent earning good money and one earning excellent money.

I earn pretty good money, my daughter's dad is on minimum wage, we co-parent 50/50 and our daughter is happy, healthy, stable, and excelling at school.

Just the Musk thing would be a massive LTB from me.

My DH also has a six figure job and isnt an arsehole! I earn about 75% of what he earns but it never comes up as we are a team. Joint account, shared chores at home, youngest now in college but school runs etc were always shared. Often he would do more as his job had more flex back then. We both travel for work, have hobbies etc, everything is shared.

I would absolutely not tolerate hour husbands bullshit.

Go for your dream job and buy in help OP. It isnt right that you're supposed to be pretty much running the house but can't be bothered because it's not stimulating. I'd get resentful as well if I was him. ADHD or not. Housework is boring as fuck, you don't get to opt out though.

He doesn't get to call all the shots though, his arrogance needs slapping down a bit.

My DH earns a 6 figure salary. I went back to work fulltime after the kids went to secondary school. This means I could get my own pension and would mean that as a family we can retire sooner. We manage this by having a cleaner, robot hoover and gousto/asda deliveries.
We have a joint account and he never comments on what I buy (not that I buy much). He also works from home so is more likely to make tea during the week and get the washing done.

Get yourself the big job. You need to protect yourself and your family, and also pay into your pension. I’m assuming he has a much bigger pension pot than you?

It makes sense to get a job given that he’s had a close shave with redundancy and he’s vulnerable in his market.

Interesting that he sees himself paying for you to cook and clean and look after the kids. So is your “wage” the £1k a month credit card? He’s got a cracking deal there especially as you’re on call 24/7.

Doesn’t matter if you watch more Netflix that him, you’re both still watching it.

As he wants to separate finances (twat move given you’re a SAHM). I’d say get your big job, but all the bill including childcare, kids clothes & hobbies & Christmas gifts in the pot and when you get your job you both pay proportionally into the pot. That way he gets what he wants but you’re financially more secure.

oh yeah put the cleaner bill into the shared pot as well. I’ve read so many women on here say they share bills 50/50 then it turns out they alone are paying for childcare/kids clothes/kids hobbies/uniform.

This feels like a balanced view, thanks.

@Bumblebeestiltskin It’s about financial stability and the fact running two households in London and two sets of private school fees would be even harder.

He wants it both ways, doesn’t he?

He wants to keep all “his” earned money for himself, but yet have you do all the childcare, housework, mental load etc.

That is not a reasonable position for him to take!

Yeah @Eze his pension pot will reach seven figures in the next two years if it keeps growing at current rate (NOT a given). Mine - which includes private ISAs - would be a fifth of that.

He sounds a controlling twat. You should take whatever job you're capable of and is something that brings you fulfilment and a sense of purpose. If I were you I'd not want to be with a man like that.
Whatever you're qualified in, or have experience on, or want to try. If you have transferrable skills then apply.
If you end up employed in Asda as a shelf stacker you should tell him you're the new CEO. Just to piss him off. His ego needs to be brought down several pegs.

It's fair to address the pension thing but do you really have no appreciation for someone earning £200k in a boring job they hate to support you and your children?

Flexibility is often a privilege that comes with seniority. My husband is massively more able to flex work round school runs now that he's the one chairing the meetings.

Of course there are exceptions but unless you are a barrister, surgeon or CEO there is every chance that this idea you can be more "support" to him on a NMW job than on a more lucrative one is a complete fiction.

Get yourself a big job and a nanny if needed. He’s horrible, has no respect for you, and has got you thinking he is right.

You are on your own, plan accordingly

Get the Big Job and hire a nanny/housekeeper to deal the house stuff.

Get the job that earns you the most. Never give up your career for a man who can leave you with nothing at the drop of a hat.

Outsource the shit yoy aren’t good at. Cleaning, laundry etc. if your kids are too young to let themselves in after school either nanny or in week boarding.

misses point entirely Why the hell at circa
£240000 don’t you have a cleaner? 🤣

Someone asked if I didn’t appreciate that I had a DH who was in a boring job earning well. I do actually and feel some guilt that before children, I had a career that I largely enjoyed. I’m not sure he has ever had that. Perhaps I would have been forced into a boring but more highly paid role earlier if he had not earned well so I do appreciate that and his skills around the house.

What I don’t appreciate is being talked down to and the threat of financial control.