Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

I honestly believe things might have changed. I know that’s not normally how things go, our last bad fight was in early December and since we’ve gone back to a positive place that I’ve not experienced since before our daughter was born. If anything bad happens again, then I’ll to face some facts

We’re both allowed boundaries, for example I told him I’m not comfortable going into details about our sex life or fertility problems.

I know he’s done abusive things in the heat of the moment (seriously, I really think people are overestimating what these actually were). But I don’t believe he is an abusive person

When you say “hes done abusive things in the heat of the moment” can you elaborate on those?

‘We’re both allowed boundaries’ doesn’t actually answer my questions. You don’t need to answer them to me, but please answer them to yourself. And reflect on the answers.

Also, if you think we’re overestimating the abusive things, then tell us what they were.

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

Jesus Christ, OP. That’s actually much worse than I was imagining! That’s terrifying!

Would you be willing to speak to Women’s Aid? You’re clearly reluctant to engage with what we’re saying, so would you be comfortable speaking to professionals?!

Thanks for sharing op. I know its difficult to talk about these things. I really think you should call/chat online to WA tomorrow if possible for them to advise you. It is abusive. Hes not hit you YET but it does seem to be escalating over time. Hes seeing what youll put up with/he can get away with. Asking you not to mention to counsellor (or what will happen if you told?). Its worrying. Remember your anonymous on here. Log out of your mumsnet account and delete history if you believe he will look through your phone.

None of that is OK or normal.

Due to your past, you've got a warped sense of what is normal in a marriage.

I've been with my husband for 25 years, and he has never once laid a hand on me in anger.

Your husband is abusive.

I think these are seriously physical. If it isn't a suitable way to behave in front of others then it isn't a suitable way to behave period. ❤️

It sounds worse when it’s all put together like that. Bear in mind that a lot of these instances had months in between.

I don’t know. If something happens again then I will. If I lose him I lose my home, the only stable home I’ve ever had, and it’s not just me, it’s my daughter as well.

I also think I might be pregnant. I don’t know how that will change things

Please speak to Women’s Aid. You won’t be required to commit to anything and you’ll gain an honest assessment of your situation (and your options) that isn’t provided by randoms on the internet.

The next time he might kill you.

This is seriously abusive. Not ‘ a bit’. Not ‘better than he used to be’.

Those things are awful. I have been married over 30 years. In that time he has accidentally hurt me because of clumsiness and he’s been grumpy.

He has never sworn at me. Never covered my mouth. Never pinned me down. Never told me if we don’t have sex soon he’ll leave me. Never pushed me against a wall.

I’m so sorry you think these things are normal.

You’re being strong for your daughter and loyal to your husband, but please think how you’d feel if your daughter phoned you 25 years from now to say her husband had done these things to her. Would you feel she should stay? What example do you want to set for her about whether it is acceptable behaviour? Those things aren’t just degrading, they are violent and cross a red line. Sorry to be so direct saying something you don’t want to hear. I feel very bad for you.

How is this situation all your fault? It’s not your fault at all! You’ve done nothing wrong. Your husband is being controlling and it’s not ok.

Theres nothing wrong with getting ducks in a row op. Working out money, do you think going ahead with this pregnancy (if you are is it a good idea atm?), getting a job, checking out how much he earns, what do you both have in savings? Is money joint? Do you have access to that? What other assets. Passports, birth certificates etc

do you have any close friend(s)/family you could confide in other than Ashley for real life support?

I just don’t understand how we got here. Before our daughter was born we had the happiest relationship. We dealt with issues and conflict in a healthy way. Even now, when things are good, they’re great. I don’t want to throw away all the positives for a handful of bad instances in the six years we’ve been together

Good grief. Please stop defending him and face reality. He is an abuser.
Yes, your judgement is poor if you believe that pattern of emotionally, sexually and physically, abusive acts is remotely acceptable and forgiveable. Please leave him, if not for your own sake then for your daughter. By your own admission he verbally abuses her and if you stay with him you are enabling that. Your daughter needs to be your first priority.

Google the cycle of abuse. This is classic abuser behaviour. If you were to stand up for yourself or your daughter more it would not be a handful of incidents, it would be a regular occurrence. You are walking on eggshells and avoiding calling him out on his abuse of your daughter to keep him from hitting you.
It doesn't get any more clear cut than that. This man is dangerous. Just stop the rationalizations and face the truth.

Abuse does often show itself when you get pregnant and slowly gets worse. Read up on it. Arm yourself with knowledge x

Fucking hell OP. All of these things are horrendous. I get that your perspective is skewed because of your upbringing, but none of this stuff takes place in the "average" relationship.

He's already started swearing at your daughter. How long before he escalates his abuse towards her? You know what it's like growing up with an abusive parent, how can you want that for her too?

I believe your daughter is under a year old? So all these things have happened in the last year.

He has taken no responsibility for it, and is shifting responsibility onto you by requiring you to lie by omission to the therapist. It stops being about his violence and aggression and starts being about your betrayal of the relationship by speaking about it.

How can telling someone about it be a bigger betrayal than what he actually did?

You think this is funny?

That’s why I’m so scared if I do find out I'm pregnant again. I’d feel so incredibly grateful and blessed because I had so many issues previously, but I’m scared all the progress we’ve made recently will go out of the window

It doesn't matter if you didn't talk to him for days or whatever this supposedly bad behaviour is, he has no right to put his hands on you in an aggressive or threatening way. He's behaved physically for one month. Big deal.

Your post around 9pm is terrifying.

This is an unsafe relationship.

Your therapist should not be saying she thinks he is charming.

You need to leave. This is not safe for you or your daughter.

She’s 19 months old.

He’s always been incredibly sorry afterwards. That’s what makes it so difficult